Second Thoughts/Broken Engagements?

[Adrienne]

As I stumble through my massive episodes of cold feet and second thoughts I found a website for those who''s engagement isn''t going so well.

http://theregoesthebride.com/

It appears to be a great source of support and assistance for anyone who is having second thoughts about getting married, and for those who are dealing with a broken engagement and a broken heart.

I hate to interject such a sad thought in a wonderfully happy place, but I just wanted others who might be in similar situations to be able to find some online support and not feel quite so alone.

 

[NewYorker]

Please, put off the wedding till you're sure. My sister had second thoughts but went through with it anyway - now 12 years later and 4 children - NOW she initiates divorce. Save yourself a lot of heart ache and put off the wedding until you are absolutely sure!

 

[AGBF]

A good friend of mine (mentioned in another thread as the woman who said she would rather have a house than the $40,000 Tiffany dome ring) went through this many years ago. (Years before I met her, in fact.)

Invitations were out and she cancelled. She and the man she met soon after and married a year later are still *VERY* happily married. I believe they have been married for 32 years now. They are just perfect together and still, obviously, so attracted to each other. They have been through a *LOT* and have two sons in their 20s. If she hadn't cancelled that first wedding she would have missed out on her soul mate.

She never said she had any doubts about marrying her husband. In her case the "cold feet" were about the wrong man. I don't know what is causing your cold feet, though, and I wish you well in your struggle.

 

[Mara]

There are many reasons for 'cold feet'...alot of them are natural. It's difficult to make the differentiation at times. Esp as the wedding day gets closer, it seems as though everything becomes much more 'real' and you really become aware that you do NOT want to make a mistake that could haunt you forever.

My fiance and I discuss our feelings in a joking sort of way (e.g. 'Oh my god...its FOREVER!'), of course women are not alone in their feelings of confusion or fear or immediate terror!

I think if you can talk about how you feel, it's much healthier, as sometimes it is things that are left unsaid which can cause problems later. It's such a huge decision that is being made, enter into it with communication lines wide open. It's also good to know that the other side feels the same way you do at times, that you aren't alone, and that you shouldn't be ashamed or feel guilty because you aren't blissfully unaware of what COULD go wrong. I think it's very natural.

Especially in this age of high divorce rate, getting married is very scary. For me, I only want to do this once. No one goes into a marriage *wanting* to get divorced. We all want to be sure that we're doing the right thing. However, as most of us already know, life offers no guarantees. You just have to follow your heart and hope for the best IMO.

BTW that website also is a book..I saw it at the local bookstore. I took a quick peek through it and was instantly depressed at all the sad stories. To me broken engagements are very sad....the dissolution of a promise of the future. Even if the two should never be married or have never been engaged...it's still sad that it had to happen in the first place.

But on a cheery note, best of luck to all the brides!! We'll all get through it or die trying!

 

[Mara]

Oh and here is an article that may be helpful to some people. I found this a long time ago and thought it had some very good points. I used to be a die-hard fear of committment type gal and now I have found someone that I can finally see the future with.

http://www.andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/58.htm

 

[Adrienne]

Thanks for everyone's support - but I had just wanted to post that website in case there is anyone else struggling with their engagement and feeling lost and alone.

In my case - we are taking the sensible approach. Individual counseling, separate houses, time apart... all very logical and practical, and with personal benefits for each of us whether we stay together or split up.

It's a tough road right now, but eventually I will find my way again.

 

[dancingmelimel]

Mara, that's a fascinating website.....very interesting viewpoints which I'll have to examine more.

BTW, how do you make an active link?

Adrienne, it was very thoughtful of you to post that link for those who may need it......and definitely be sure to search your soul before you make the leap into marriage! There is always risk of course, but make sure you understand your reasons for your doubts before you disregard them.

-Melissa

 

[Mara]

Mel..I just pasted the url and it turns into an active link when I hit return to go to the next line.

The article was very interesting to me and still is, as it speaks of marriage as a huge responsibility which is what may frighten some people. The fact that someone now relies on you and that you may be committing to future children who will rely on you speaks to your deepest inner fears, are you 'good enough' to be someone's wife and mother, take the responsibility that you will now have to be that 'life partner' to them, put the other person before yourself alot of the time, not think so selfishly, etc. It's not just about 'wow I have found love' but rather...am I deserving of this love and the trust? Almost like someone else is putting their life in your hands. Marriage is a committment between two people that say, yes I can see us through good and bad for the rest of our lives.

Scary to think about it that way, but makes things more clear. Many people just think of marriage as the ultimate achievement or just something that happens or is a natural next step. So when people have doubts, at times they blame themselves or feel inadequate. But really I think the ugly three-headed monster 'fear' drives alot of those feelings. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of yourself.

While many of us go about our daily lives and feel secure, I think many more still have some doubts inside about themselves, so it is not always about that other person and whether they are right for YOU....but rather do you have it in you to be right for THEM...and make that committment for the rest of your life. Scary to contemplate, but powerful as well. I think many people do not think about this before entering into marriage, and maybe that's the reason why the divorce rate is so high. As with any 'purchase' or committment (kind of like buying a stone), you research first and then make an educated decision--you don't just jump in head first and hope for the best.

 

[trichrome]

Mara,

Are you a psychiatrist?

lololo..

just joking.

Seriously, a lot of maturity is coming from your last post.

Trichrome.

 

[Mara]

Maturity is a character I play on the internet Tri ....

 

[trieshard]

Hi Mara,
I am a new viewer and a new subscriber. My fiance is having doubts about our up-coming marriage and this is why I have searched the net and found this site. She has doubts and is not sure if these are natural. I have tried to help her through it and have explained to her almost exactly how you have explained it in your messages. It is actually scary how similar your words are to mine. I just wanted to say thank you for writting them down and it is a comfort to know that someone else shares views similar to mine.
Thanks for your words of wisdom...are you a shrink???hehe
all the best and thanks again.

Paul

 

[Mara]

Ha Ha far from a shrink...in fact I should probably SEE a shrink like most of the people out there...

I had my own doubts and fears and having been in a serious relationship in the past where I felt trapped and unhappy....I was scared that this relationship I am in now would 'change' from the great thing we had into what the other relationship ended up being. I had alot of fear of moving forward..and 'changing' things...when we were so happy the way we were. So I definitely can relate to that article and it really helped me *see* what sorts of excuses I was making and admit to myself that I wasn't sure that I could be a really good wife or life partner. Fear is natural...we shouldn't be scared to admit we ARE scared. Life is scary..decisions like this are scary..but as long as you know that you feel good when you are around that person...to me...that was what mattered the most in the end.




It was also great because my fiance was a skittish bachelor (at 34!)...so I wasn't alone in the fear department, which actually made it easier. If you feel like there is an unbalance between your desire and your mates....its hard to communicate. In the past, I didn't want to tell my ex I felt unsure...because then he would get upset or think I didn't love him enough. But whenever my fiance and I feel freaked out...we joke around about it and it makes it better because the other one can totally relate and doesn't get offended--in fact they may be feeling the same way! I think that's SO important...to help put you at ease moving fwd. My fiance doesn't even try to ease my fears or talk me out of them. He just laughs and makes a joke..and then I just feel better.




I still sometimes get a little frisson of nervousness as we make big decisions for the future (e.g. talking about buying a house now and visiting loan brokers etc), but then I just think about how much I love to spend time with my fiance and how I am always wishing we are together when we are not...and know that I feel happy in what I have found. No guarantees in life...you just have to live it the best way you know.

Good luck!

 

[TheDiamondangel]

Marry in haste, repent in leisure. If there is any doubt, call it off. It's better to suffer wounded pride and a heartache now than to go through the hell and expense of a divorce later. My hubby didn't learn that lesson in time, and we're still paying for crap from his first marriage.

 

[Adrienne]

Just wanted to update this post - since my last post on it was last August.

I moved out, we took a month apart (basically broke up), started dating REALLY slowly... I moved back into his house in March and I proposed to him this weekend.

It took a lot of work - a lot of counselling (for each of us) and a lot of anxiety - but we are doing great, both individually and as a couple.

Now let the search for the diamond begin (again)!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Congratuations, Adrienne! I'm so glad to hear everything has worked out positively for both you and your fiance.

 

[dbgaap]

You proposed to him?
How very excellent!

Thanks for sharing your story & kudos to you for tackling the issues head on.

I must say, I do feel very very sure about getting married.
However, I have the benefit of experience.
I made a very deliberate choice to marry my first husband and it lasted 10 years.
Kissed a few frogs, got out of the the pond and then I devoted myself to raising our daughter.

In this relationship, I feel many things that were definitely missing first time around.
But, I no longer regret the first marriage nor do I feel like the 12 years of being a single Mom were a mistake.
It's all just the experience of living.

Also, I know all kinds of bad things could happen in the future, so I figure I'll just luxuriate in this delicious time.

All the best to you!!