Second marriage

[crystalheart1]

Well, after being in the "DATING POOL" for 16 years, I am now engaged to a wonderful man. We are planning a smallish - around 50 guests- reception. Probably a nice sit down dinner with an elegant flair. I have been sending my Mother ideas of venues, centerpieces, etc... I bought a nice wedding gown with a little bolero jacket to wear for a winter wedding.

Today Mom states,,, Why are you doing all of this for a second marriage..?? I thought most people just go to the justice of the peace and have a small dinner with their immediate family. She has not been very interested in anything I have shared with her. Making little or no comments, so I know this has been in the back of her mind for some time

The first time I was married, my in- laws hosted the wedding at their house. My parents never "officially" contributed finacially to my first wedding. It is not a matter of not having money. It is more of not wanting to spend it on things like this. They are not very sociable - nor do they host any family dinners for Thanksgiving or any other holidays. It is not "their thing". I was just a bit taken back at this off handed remark. My response was, even if it is a second marriage, it does not make it any less special... I would still like to do something nice since we are joining the two of us, along with our children.
Has any of the second timers shared this response from parents when planning anything more than a family dinner ??

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I don''t think there is anything wrong with your plan, but I have known a lot of people who get remarried and none of them did anything as put together as yours is. Some went to the court house but most simply flew someplace nice and got married without anyone else there and that was the end of it. My parents did the most of anyone I know when they married each other (they had each been married before). They wore white sweats on a friends lawn, had a proffesional cake and played volleyball.
So while I see nothing wrong with your plan if its what you want, I don''t think your parents are out of line for thinking you are doing more than most people.

 

[sklingem]

Hey CH1,
I think that you are totally right in pointing out that "it does not make it any less special". It is very special to you and you can only hope that other people (including your family) are there to celebrate with you and support you. Honestly, sometimes I want to ask "why are you doing all of this for your first marriage???", i.e. spending 20-30K (or having others foot the bill), but nobody seems to have a problem with that!? Unfortunately having 2nd or 3rd marriages is becoming rather common (for a variety of good/bad reasons) but attitudes about them have not changed a lot apparently ... Bottom line: do what feels right to you and don''t take any crap from other people.

 

[crystalheart1]

Thanks - The funny thing is MOst second marriages have a better rate of success than the first ones. It is also a celebration which will include our children. Mine are young men 21 and 20, his kids are 12 and 13 so I want it to be a celebration for them to enjoy too.
Raising two boys on my own for most of their lives, I feel it something really exciting happening for all of us.
I guess another reason I am confused is because My Mother has said very little as far as being happy for me - in general .

I know she likes my fiance but she has shown very little enthusiasm for us,,,Very confusing.

I guess I thought she would be a bit more excited for me in general.

 

[Courtneylub]

I am currently planning my second marriage. My first was a big Catholic wedding, which my parents helped with a lot.

This is my 2nd marriage and my FI is older and never been married. This is a big deal for him and even if that weren''t case, if we wanted to have a big wedding, that''s our choice!!

I would be so upset if any of my family did that. If anything, my parents seem more excited about this wedding. Maybe it''s because they know it''s a good thing this time. Or maybe it''s because they aren''t contributing any money this time around.

You are absolutely right in that it''s not any less special than your first. That really chaps my you know what.

 

[lauralu]

This will be mine and FI''s 2nd wedding. We actually don''t even think about our first and how we need to do a smaller one ect. We are doing what we want to do. It will be small and intimate. But we are renting a venue and having it catered. My daughters and our daughter together will be our brdiesmaids and they are insisting on wearing bridesmaids dresses. I am still searching for a dress and haven''t decided what exactly I am even looking for. We won''t have a dance. However, eventually I will be looking for center pieces, flowers, color schemes ect..just on a smaller scale.

Or maybe we will take the girls and elope.....one just never knows. But one thing is for certain, whatever we do has nothing to do whats so ever with our previous marriage ceremonies.

You do what feels right for you. Beings your mom and dad are not big entertainers ect, I would just maybe chalk some of it up to just them being them.

Good Luck with the planning..

 

[february2003bride]

First- congratulations on your engagement! My DH was married once before (and I have a daughter from a previous non-marriage relationship) and he feels our marriage is so much better because he learned so much from is first marriage and divorce. We did have a wedding because it was my first marriage but DH wanted one also to celebrate our union together.

I wonder if your mother''s comment stems from a generational point of view? From her generation, second marriages really were court house or immediate family only with a minister. She probably doesn''t "Get" the whole blended family thing that is so common now, along with celebrating 2nd marriages (or 3rd or 4th

)! In fact, I would even go so far to say that if she''s not being mean spirited, to try and let those comments, albeit hurtful, to roll off your back or with gently explaination that you and yur FI may be going at this time second time around, it makes it no less special or important as your first.

 

[Harleigh]

LOL Crystal...I think we may have been separated at birth! You just described MY family! They have shown no interest in my wedding, which is my first, so I can''t imagine what they would do if I ever had a second...probably just disown me! So sorry they are being like this, and I understand completely and feel for you. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you. {HUGS!!!}

And though I may not be of much assistance abou this, I think you should do whatever makes you happy. Your marriage, no matter what number it is, is a celebration of your love, and I don''t think you should let anyone rain on your parade.

Congratulations on your engagement, and I hope you have the most wonderful wedding!

 

[ktdid]

I just happened upon this thread and was excited because I thought I was one of the only "2nd marriage" members

My BF and I are planning on getting my ering next week so engagement will follow soon enough. I was married for 11 years and got married at 21 the first time. My ex and I paid for our own wedding which was very modest since we were still in school.
My BF says he just wants to elope or the like and I kind of feel bad about that. I don''t want a "wedding" per se but I feel like he might be missing out on the experience. I think this marriage will be so much better as I''ve "been there/done that" and have learned so much. I wouldn''t want to treat getting married the second time around as though it''s not special.
I''m sorry that your mom isn''t supporting you in this! I don''t expect my parents to contribute any $$ (heck, they didn''t the first time, either) but I know they''ll be very happy that I was lucky enough to find a great guy! And that I''d be even willing to think about getting married again when I swore I would never do it again

I think my point is to do what you want! This relationship/marriage is just as special as anyone else''s first wedding! Celebrate that!!!

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 3/28/2008 10:18:59 AM
Author: ktdid
I just happened upon this thread and was excited because I thought I was one of the only ''2nd marriage'' members

My BF and I are planning on getting my ering next week so engagement will follow soon enough. I was married for 11 years and got married at 21 the first time. My ex and I paid for our own wedding which was very modest since we were still in school.
My BF says he just wants to elope or the like and I kind of feel bad about that. I don''t want a ''wedding'' per se but I feel like he might be missing out on the experience. I think this marriage will be so much better as I''ve ''been there/done that'' and have learned so much. I wouldn''t want to treat getting married the second time around as though it''s not special.
I''m sorry that your mom isn''t supporting you in this! I don''t expect my parents to contribute any $$ (heck, they didn''t the first time, either) but I know they''ll be very happy that I was lucky enough to find a great guy! And that I''d be even willing to think about getting married again when I swore I would never do it again

I think my point is to do what you want! This relationship/marriage is just as special as anyone else''s first wedding! Celebrate that!!!

Amen!

My FI refers to my first marriage as "Relationship College".

 

[crystalheart1]

Harleigh - I am so sorry for what you are going through ...It does sound like you are making a wonderful wedding for you and your fiancee... I read your other posts and felt for you . Do your parents go out and enjoy themselves? My parents were totally out of my first wedding. My ex In Laws did everything at their home. It was nice , they had a large house with a nice high two story living ring where we held everything. I just felt embarrassed for my parents since they did not volunteer to contribute anything... I was in my twenty''s so was a little out of what was going on at the time.. I would of spoke up more then.

It is nice to hear there are a few of us taking this trip down the aisle again. Well, My Mom just told me that her and my Dad are going to tour Europe for a few weeks in May.. My Dad made all the plans so all she has to do is pack.
I guess I am feeling a little hurt since I am the only daughter, and thought we had a nice relationship... with Mom that is. My Father is only interested in travel and is more self centered. They would be there for any of us - just not the warm and fuzzy type. I guess you can''t force someone to be happy for or interested in something they are not.

I am still going forward to make a nice - elegant celebration, for one of the happiest moments ( besides the birth of my boys)
in my life. I guess my Mom is looking at it an uneccessary and a waste of money.

 

[bee*]

Sorry to hear that your parents aren''t understanding why you want to celebrate your marriage. Personally, I think do whatever makes you happy.