Scared of marriage?

[Indylady]

I know, I know. I''m posting this in LIW. I''m preparing myself for a resounding chorus of, "NO!"

Let me preface this with: My relationship is sturdy and fantastic. My SO is also both. This thread isn''t at all about my SO, or our relationship. Committing to my SO is no problemo; I''ve been doing that for nearly 4 years.

Its about..marriage.

I''m be honest. I''m a little scared. I''m scared of the responsibilities that seem to come with marriage and "growing up". Sure, I have responsibilities now, but they''re just my responsibilities to him. With marriage seems to come a whole host of other responsibilities. A home, a mortgage, kids...they''re all very long-lasting commitments. Sure, a marriage doesn''t require those things, but they do seem to often come with marriage, summing up to quite a daunting package.

I do have friends that are married and living with roomies, so they get to me married but have a fun 20-something life as well, so that''s a possibility.

The things I mentioned above all seem to "tie" one down. Right now, I''m free as a butterfly. Well, a free as a butterfly with a protective SO and parents, but free nonetheless. Summer internship in another state? Sure! I''ll be there. Fulbright? Of course! Fourth of July girl''s weekend? I''m down! My SO has a great internship across the country, and that''s just fine with me.

Does this "freedom" change? I am not implying that married people aren''t free. I am saying though, that there''s more to consider when you''re married.

And of course, "FOREVER" and "DIVORCE" are intimidating topics. I''m assuming most divorced people didn''t think they''d get divorced when they walked down the aisle. Change in itself can be scary.

Care to share your thoughts?

 

[FrekeChild]

Marriage is what you make it. It doesn''t have to be a mortgage and kids. You can live in an apartment and be childless for as long as you want.

Maybe you''re just too young for the ideas of those responsibilities just yet. You''re still 22 or so right?

Yes there is more to consider when you''re married. My conundrums are often something like this: "Can I buy these shoes or is my husband off buying a video game right now and we''ll be lower on money than we planned?" instead of "I want those shoes. Do I have enough money in my account?"

There is another human being you''re working with a team on, and you have to consider them, their life and make decisions based on you as a team. But the cool thing about marriage is that you can make it be whatever you want! You don''t HAVE to follow societal norms. I promise.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/19/2010 4:29:07 PM
Author: FrekeChild
But the cool thing about marriage is that you can make it be whatever you want! You don''t HAVE to follow societal norms. I promise.

Perfect.

You have no idea how relieving it is to hear that.

 

[redhead02]

You bring up good points IndyLady. Oddly I''ve never thought about it that way because I looked at it like FrekeChild does. My boyfriend and I aren''t very conventional, so I didn''t figure much would change.

I do think about the financial aspect because working as a team will definitely be an adjustment. I hope I''m up to the challenge.

Regardless, I''m sure many ladies here would agree with you and might be a little intimidated by marriage.

 

[iheartscience]

If you just graduated college and aren't ready to settle down and get married, don't. Everyone says life is short but it's actually pretty long for most people. Why can't you continue to date your boyfriend and do your own thing for now? At age 21 or 22 I would hope you don't feel any pressure from friends or family to settle down, get married and have kids.

I met my husband when I was 21 and we dated for 4 years before we got engaged and 2 more years before we got married. We were committed and in a relationship the whole time, so why rush into marriage? My mom always told me and my sister to take our time and not rush into marriage. Even after I had dated my husband for several years she was telling me the same thing. I'm glad I have a mom like her!

It sounds like you're scared of marriage because you're not ready, and that's a-okay!

 

[princesss]

Oh, thank the Lord, I'm not the only one!

I love my BF, and am totally committed to him, but for whatever reason marriage freaks me out right now. It just seems so...adult. Scary. Like I'm not old enough/mature enough/whatever enough to do it. I have married friends and they all assure me it's not as big a deal as I make it out to be in my head, but I just have this big mental block about it.

We have a great relationship. We're a team, and it stopped being me and him a long time ago - it's us. We support one another, we take care of one another, and in many respects live as a married couple. I don't know why I'm so nervous about marriage! I know really cool married people that make it seem not so scary when I'm around them. But then we go home and it seems scary again.

I don't know. I know that it boils down to me not being ready, but I just wish I could understand myself and why I'm all over the place about it.

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 6/19/2010 4:29:07 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Marriage is what you make it. It doesn''t have to be a mortgage and kids. You can live in an apartment and be childless for as long as you want.


Maybe you''re just too young for the ideas of those responsibilities just yet. You''re still 22 or so right?


Yes there is more to consider when you''re married. My conundrums are often something like this: ''Can I buy these shoes or is my husband off buying a video game right now and we''ll be lower on money than we planned?'' instead of ''I want those shoes. Do I have enough money in my account?''


There is another human being you''re working with a team on, and you have to consider them, their life and make decisions based on you as a team. But the cool thing about marriage is that you can make it be whatever you want! You don''t HAVE to follow societal norms. I promise.

Freke took the words out of my mouth.

 

[yssie]

I know exactly how you both feel Indy and Princess, I felt exactly the same way! There came a point where I was ready to be 'engaged' and start thinking about thinking about being married, and FI proposed... I was the driving force behind first waiting to get engaged, then our two-year engagement.

And somewhere along the line something changed. Now, I'm so excited to be getting married, to start that new journey together! I don't think anything in our relationship will actually change in the way we relate to each other or treat each other, but I'm ready to make it official and have the world know it

My big sticking point was that I was terrified of losing my independence, but I'm realising now it's not so much losing it that I was afraid of, since even then I'd call my FI and tell him where I was and what I was up to and such, and we'd discuss work/weekend/long-term plans together... I was more scared of committing to doing that for the rest of my life. Financially, yes, there will be an adjustment, though I think we can work through any issues with minimal fuss.

I really think that shift in thinking will happen when it's supposed to, and there's not much to be done trying to make yourself 'think' or 'feel' it faster. Just enjoy the wonderful relationship that you have, and let things happen in their own good time, and they will

 

[Indylady]

Thing2- Don't worry, there's no rush! There isn't pressure from family, but I guess there is a bit of it from friends. It seems like more and more people I know are getting engaged.

Princesss, I am so glad you're with me! I feel the same way. "Right now" are definitely key words; I want to marry him, but right now, it sorta freaks me out. My parents will be celebrating their 25th this December, and they've always given me a great example of a healthy marriage. I

 

[kateydid05]

Hi Indy! Totally know where you''re coming from and relieved that others felt the same. For the past year or so I think I''ve been doing the freak out. Before that, it was "oh whatever, i''m in no rush, etc". Now at 25 I''ve begun the shift of becoming ready and wanting that commitment and not being afraid anymore. Perhaps that will be the same for you, but just do things according to your own timeline and you''ll know what''s right

You''re perfectly normal!!!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/19/2010 4:29:07 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Marriage is what you make it. It doesn''t have to be a mortgage and kids. You can live in an apartment and be childless for as long as you want.

Maybe you''re just too young for the ideas of those responsibilities just yet. You''re still 22 or so right?

Yes there is more to consider when you''re married. My conundrums are often something like this: ''Can I buy these shoes or is my husband off buying a video game right now and we''ll be lower on money than we planned?'' instead of ''I want those shoes. Do I have enough money in my account?''

There is another human being you''re working with a team on, and you have to consider them, their life and make decisions based on you as a team. But the cool thing about marriage is that you can make it be whatever you want! You don''t HAVE to follow societal norms. I promise.

Huge, huge, HUGE amen to this!

Honestly, marriage IS scary. As much as I thought I was committed to my (then) boyfriend/FI forever, regardless of our marital status, being married has deepened my commitment level even more. It''s hard to explain, but to me, my marriage is like this crazily intimate world that only me and my husband live in - we make the rules, we set the standards, etc.

Getting married was the scariest thing I''ve ever done - and also probably the only thing I''ve done in my life that I have been absolutely 100% certain about.

The thoughts you are having are completely normal and healthy, IMO. It''s a HUGE decision to commit yourself to somebody for life, and it''s not one that should be made lightly.

You''ll be fine, IndyLady, I promise

 

[Indylady]

Thanks Redhead and Beachrunner!

Yssie, I know just what you mean. I love being independent, and my SO loves that I am independent. I''ve seen quite a few friends toss their dreams once they get serious with their boyfriends/engaged/married. If they''re sad about it, they haven''t let on. More or less, when the wedding mags came, their dreams left and they opted for careers that would fit around their family life. I commend them for the sacrifice they''re making for their family, but it also makes me sad because I''ve seen them working towards a certain career with rigorous courses and internships, only to give them up.

Thank you Katey for telling me I''m normal.

I''m looking forward to the shift! Perhaps it will just come in time.

And Lily, I like the sound of this little world with just me and my man. Can one of the rules be ice cream for dinner? (I kid!)

(Or do I?

)

 

[Callisto]

Date: 6/19/2010 10:47:03 PM
Author: IndyLady

Yssie, I know just what you mean. I love being independent, and my SO loves that I am independent. I''ve seen quite a few friends toss their dreams once they get serious with their boyfriends/engaged/married. If they''re sad about it, they haven''t let on. More or less, when the wedding mags came, their dreams left and they opted for careers that would fit around their family life. I commend them for the sacrifice they''re making for their family, but it also makes me sad because I''ve seen them working towards a certain career with rigorous courses and internships, only to give them up.

First off you are definitely normal. It is a huge scary commitment no matter how sure you are.

I''m not engaged at the moment but I can''t imagine much will change between SO and myself besides probably combining finances. We already live together and make decisions together, our friends joke we''re married since we pretty much act like it. We still spend time together when we want and time away from each other when we want. I tell him where I am and what I''m up to because I WANT to not because I feel I owe it to him or anything. Yes I want kids and a mortgage, but I wanted that before I met him, now I;m just glad I found someone I want those things with. But if that''s not in the cards for you and your SO, you can still be happily married.

I''ve changed some of my priorities since meeting SO (perhaps like some of your friends) and it''s not because I''m tied down or complying to societal norms. It''s because when I think about my life HE is what I can''t live without, not an internship, or studying abroad, or anything like that. There are days when I wish I could have done some of those things but I would have regretted jeopardizing our relationship so much more. (Just want to note that you can definitely do those things and have an amazing relationship, however SO and I were long distance for the first 3 years of our relationship which is very stressful so I made choices that avoided any more stress on our relationship and I don''t regret it at all.)

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/20/2010 12:21:01 AM
Author: Callisto

Date: 6/19/2010 10:47:03 PM

Author: IndyLady


Yssie, I know just what you mean. I love being independent, and my SO loves that I am independent. I''ve seen quite a few friends toss their dreams once they get serious with their boyfriends/engaged/married. If they''re sad about it, they haven''t let on. More or less, when the wedding mags came, their dreams left and they opted for careers that would fit around their family life. I commend them for the sacrifice they''re making for their family, but it also makes me sad because I''ve seen them working towards a certain career with rigorous courses and internships, only to give them up.

First off you are definitely normal. It is a huge scary commitment no matter how sure you are.


I''m not engaged at the moment but I can''t imagine much will change between SO and myself besides probably combining finances. We already live together and make decisions together, our friends joke we''re married since we pretty much act like it. We still spend time together when we want and time away from each other when we want. I tell him where I am and what I''m up to because I WANT to not because I feel I owe it to him or anything. Yes I want kids and a mortgage, but I wanted that before I met him, now I;m just glad I found someone I want those things with. But if that''s not in the cards for you and your SO, you can still be happily married.


I''ve changed some of my priorities since meeting SO (perhaps like some of your friends) and it''s not because I''m tied down or complying to societal norms. It''s because when I think about my life HE is what I can''t live without, not an internship, or studying abroad, or anything like that. There are days when I wish I could have done some of those things but I would have regretted jeopardizing our relationship so much more. (Just want to note that you can definitely do those things and have an amazing relationship, however SO and I were long distance for the first 3 years of our relationship which is very stressful so I made choices that avoided any more stress on our relationship and I don''t regret it at all.)

I think the bolded part is something important to remember. I passed up applying for a program that I *now* know that I probably would have found interesting, and would definitely help my career if I were to stay in my current industry. Instead, I took a job I hated (with the same company) to be with my BF and have a chance at really making my relationship work. One of the people I talk to at work did the program (we would have been in the same "class") and told me only one relationship survived, which is higher than the average for that program.

Every now and then when I''m at work, I hate that I didn''t apply. Hate it. Hate that my friend, J, not only knows the answers to complex problems, but understands the reasoning behind them without it being explained/having to madly research. Hate that I could have already had an expat rotation, but I''m stuck Stateside for the time being.

But I would have hated leaving BF more. I would have hated putting that strain on our relationship, and worrying that were were growing apart....and, honestly, probably growing apart. So while sometimes I have moments of regret that I didn''t choose the career-focused path that I''d planned on and dreamed of throughout high school (not in this industry, but just being your average career-focused 20-something), I know it was worth it. Because at the end of the day, I have a job I love with good bosses and interesting work, AND a boyfriend I love more than anything. I''ve got it all, which I wouldn''t have had I done the program. Doesn''t mean my ambition to do well and expat is gone, just that sometimes my relationship is more important than that. I''m not the type that thinks my relationship has to be the top priority at all times - it''s there to support me in everything that I do, not to be the all-consuming focus of my life - but it does have to be the top priority SOMETIMES, and I think (for me) the key has been learning to recognize when it has to come first.

 

[Callisto]

Date: 6/20/2010 12:36:03 AM
Author: princesss

I think the bolded part is something important to remember. I passed up applying for a program that I *now* know that I probably would have found interesting, and would definitely help my career if I were to stay in my current industry. Instead, I took a job I hated (with the same company) to be with my BF and have a chance at really making my relationship work. One of the people I talk to at work did the program (we would have been in the same ''class'') and told me only one relationship survived, which is higher than the average for that program.


Every now and then when I''m at work, I hate that I didn''t apply. Hate it. Hate that my friend, J, not only knows the answers to complex problems, but understands the reasoning behind them without it being explained/having to madly research. Hate that I could have already had an expat rotation, but I''m stuck Stateside for the time being.


But I would have hated leaving BF more. I would have hated putting that strain on our relationship, and worrying that were were growing apart....and, honestly, probably growing apart. So while sometimes I have moments of regret that I didn''t choose the career-focused path that I''d planned on and dreamed of throughout high school (not in this industry, but just being your average career-focused 20-something), I know it was worth it. Because at the end of the day, I have a job I love with good bosses and interesting work, AND a boyfriend I love more than anything. I''ve got it all, which I wouldn''t have had I done the program. Doesn''t mean my ambition to do well and expat is gone, just that sometimes my relationship is more important than that. I''m not the type that thinks my relationship has to be the top priority at all times - it''s there to support me in everything that I do, not to be the all-consuming focus of my life - but it does have to be the top priority SOMETIMES, and I think (for me) the key has been learning to recognize when it has to come first.

Glad to know that there are others in the same boat as me. I''m definitely still ambitious and relatively career focused also, I''ve just made adjustments to what those words mean to me as it sounds you have too. Idk this may sound cheesy, but the idea of marriage and all that is scary, but even scarier at times is that I''ve found someone I would literally drop everything for if he asked. Somedays it''s just like "when did that happen?" But I guess that''s life... no matter how hard to try to plan for it, it knocks you on your ass anyways.

Idk I definitely go back and forth on the scared of marriage issue. There are days when I want nothing more than to call him my husband, but then other days when I''m just feeling like "I can''t get married... I''m a child!" haha.

 

[FrekeChild]

A week or so after we got married we looked at each other and my husband said, "So when do they find out we were just messing around and we''re not REALLY married. We''re just playing house!"

Which is what it feels like. I don''t feel old enough to be MARRIED. I''m probably still hovering between 5 and 16, and thats way too young to be married! But we are old enough, it IS legal (in case you were wondering!) and it is one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

Yet, I still feel like a little kid, playing house. Tee hee hee! Don''t let them find out!

I think Princesss described it well. Sometimes it is evaluating things and saying, "Which would I regret losing more?" And making a decision from there. Brings me back to my ex, when I went to school in NY. I knew there was a risk. We didn''t withstand that risk.

But it''s a darn good thing we didn''t! Then I wouldn''t be playing house now!

 

[UnluckyTwin]

My SO and I plan to have a wedding/ceremony/party/whatever you want to call it, WITHOUT legally getting married. (My post introducing myself to LIW explains why.) If we change our minds, or if down the road we really need to be legally married for some reason, we''ll get the marriage certificate and make it official according to the government. But even if one of those two things happens, I feel very strongly that it will be like it never did.

We already live together. We have separate bank accounts and prefer it that way forever. Our families and friends recognize us as a couple. Splitting up, whether it''s called "divorce" or not, will be painful. (I''ve done it once before, have been through the emotional pain, the "practical" pain of splitting up possessions and cats, etc.) We never plan to own a home, since we much prefer not having a yard and not having to fix things ourselves. I definitely do not want children. Since we''ve been together for a while, we''ve already negotiated what is an obligation (dinner with his parents every few weeks) and what is not (he plays frisbee seven days a week, I can go to a poker game with my friends, and we can both do those things without the other freaking out, though of course we let the other know). Simply put, these are the facets of the life we have created together. Whether or not we ever get a legal certificate, those things do not have to change if we don''t want them to.

I''m a sociologist studying women who do not want children, so believe me, I understand that marriage is part of a "package" deal (I actually use the word "package" in my thesis, just like you used, IndyLady). The women that I researched felt like once they were old enough, finished school, got a job, got married, and got a house, people expected them to have children because that would make the package complete. But marriage isn''t magical. It doesn''t do anything to you that you don''t want it to do. Marriage is an institution, and institutions are created and maintained by people. There are great communities out there that resist the institution of marriage as it is and do it in their own creative ways, maybe because they just want to but mostly because that''s what works for them. The standard "package" isn''t a one-size-fits-all, so those who don''t fit, create a new one.

 

[luckynumber]

nope, not scared at all.

but i''m sure that is because

1. i''m in my 30s

2. i have had an amazing 20s single/dating life

3. i''m ready to move on to a new chapter of my life, and fully expect some adjustments

4. my career will not need to change to fit in a family etc

if i had been in my early 20s/hadn''t dated much/had to change my lifestyle for marriage, you can bet i would feel petrified of marriage. personally, i wouldn''t have been able to go through with it at that age.

does that mean it''s not right for you? heck no. but it does mean that a little anxiety is completely natural. it shows that you have thought seriously about marriage and all it entails, rather than have airy-fairy little girl dreams about it.

what i''m saying is: embrace the fear, and do it anyway!

 

[ksinger]

Good thread. Very honest.

If you''re not ready, then for heaven''s sake, resist the pressures you may feel from outside. Those pressures are in fact internally generated. Regardless though, resist. If you want to be free now, then be free. There are so many things you can do ONLY NOW, when you''re young, that will be much harder or just flat out out of reach when you get older, and that would be true whether you were married or not. If there are things you want to do right now, DO THEM!! My husband got to do a lot of things he would not have been able to if he had been married to me when we were in our 20s (if I''m being honest) stuff like going all over the country and sailing in big races. Now that we finally ARE married, I''m glad he got to do that stuff, because at 48, even he can see the end. He''s still in good shape, but the day will come. He''s a happier, nicer, and more complete person for the doing of those things. The same goes for us girls.

I guess the point is, if you don''t do some of the things that you can only do as a free young person, you really can end up resenting it. Sometimes decades later. I''ve seen this happen many many times, and while a marriage may technically endure, it can be dead on the inside, and I''ve seen it most in those marriages where both people were very young. That old saw about not regreting the things you DID do, but the things you DIDN''T do, is perhaps trite, but very true.

Hopefully too, some of the other LIW will read this thread and be able to understand a bit of what their marriage-phobic guys are likely going through. In general it really just does take men a bunch longer to get to that point than it does for women.

I don''t come in here all that often, because this is not the stage of life that I''m at, and quite frankly, because I find the general level of, well, desperation, a bit depressing. I know it''s just where 20-somethings are frequently at, and I was once there too - and have a failed marriage to prove it (married at 31). I just wish so many of the ladies here could see themselves more clearly as strong individuals apart from men, and LIVE their lives instead of waiting for some magic event like "marriage" to begin. And I promise this is not intended in any way to sound condescending or like I''m so wise - as I said, I have a failed marriage to prove my feet of clay, but there is a reason that there are so many movies with the theme of going back in time and getting overs as your younger self.

 

[luckynumber]

Date: 6/20/2010 11:13:46 AM
Author: ksinger

Good thread. Very honest.

If you''re not ready, then for heaven''s sake, resist the pressures you may feel from outside. Those pressures are in fact internally generated. Regardless though, resist. If you want to be free now, then be free. There are so many things you can do ONLY NOW, when you''re young, that will be much harder or just flat out out of reach when you get older, and that would be true whether you were married or not. If there are things you want to do right now, DO THEM!! My husband got to do a lot of things he would not have been able to if he had been married to me when we were in our 20s (if I''m being honest) stuff like going all over the country and sailing in big races. Now that we finally ARE married, I''m glad he got to do that stuff, because at 48, even he can see the end. He''s still in good shape, but the day will come. He''s a happier, nicer, and more complete person for the doing of those things. The same goes for us girls.

I guess the point is, if you don''t do some of the things that you can only do as a free young person, you really can end up resenting it. Sometimes decades later. I''ve seen this happen many many times, and while a marriage may technically endure, it can be dead on the inside, and I''ve seen it most in those marriages where both people were very young. That old saw about not regreting the things you DID do, but the things you DIDN''T do, is perhaps trite, but very true.

Hopefully too, some of the other LIW will read this thread and be able to understand a bit of what their marriage-phobic guys are likely going through. In general it really just does take men a bunch longer to get to that point than it does for women.


I don''t come in here all that often, because this is not the stage of life that I''m at, and quite frankly, because I find the general level of, well, desperation, a bit depressing. I know it''s just where 20-somethings are frequently at, and I was once there too - and have a failed marriage to prove it (married at 31). I just wish so many of the ladies here could see themselves more clearly as strong individuals apart from men, and LIVE their lives instead of waiting for some magic event like ''marriage'' to begin. And I promise this is not intended in any way to sound condescending or like I''m so wise - as I said, I have a failed marriage to prove my feet of clay, but there is a reason that there are so many movies with the theme of going back in time and getting overs as your younger self.

i agree with a lot of this. i DO think there are some things that are just easier to do when you are young and aren''t married eg my FI spent years travelling the world, often to places i have no interest in, that he probably wouldn''t be able to do once we are married.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My DH and I met when I was 18. We knew fairly quickly we were going to get married, but I was not comfortable doing so until after I got my BA. My tuition was being paid by my grandfather''s and my parents gave me a stipend, so I really wasn''t an adult. I was never a romantic and to me, marriage was more legal than anything. That meant to me, if something happened to one of us, we were saying we trusted the other above everyone else to have our best interests at heart. I didn''t feel like I was an adult if I wasn''t working and that I really wasn''t ready for that and even when it came time to get married, it was scary. I am not a very trusting person, and that was a big leap for me, that I was so tied to another person, but it has been over 1 1/2 years and I really don''t feel trapped.

As for being free, we both make compromises. DH held off on getting his undergrad until I gradutated becuase he could not afford the school I went to and there was nowhere in town he could do so. When it came time for me to pick a grad school, I didn''t pick the best one I could get into, I picked a local one so DH could afford to go to school at the same time. Does it limit my options? Yes. But he is making compromises too. Assuming I get in, we are moving across the world for me to get my PhD since I went to the local school instead of a major one for my MA.

 

[Indylady]

Callisto and Princesss, thank you for sharing your experiences. To be honest, I''m also sad that I''ll be away from my SO for nearly a year. I feel like I would have regretted it down the line if I hadn''t taken this opportunity, though it may be hard. Callisto, I like the way you said "adjustments" instead of "changes".

Freke, I''d definitely regret losing my SO more. Ha! I don''t think there are words to describe how much more. The Fulbright doesn''t call me "princess" and make me dinner (my SO is a mean cook!).

Unluckytwin, I was a Sociology major! Are you in grad school?

Luckynumber, I like your advice! My orientation is this week, so hopefully I''ll be coming back to you with a question or two. Any chance you''ll be in that neck of the woods this next year?

Ksinger, thank you. I like being a proactive person, and I hate the idea of waiting for a man to run the show. Sometimes I''m a little bothered by the title of a "lady in waiting", which is why I waited to sign up for it as long as I did. Then I decided just to take it with a grain of salt and sign up anyway.

Brazen, we might have to do a bit of graduate school compromising. We''re applying to all of the same areas and states, but we have no idea whether or not we''ll get into the same places. And even if we get in, there''s no guarantee that the schools we want will be affordable or offer funding.

 

[luckynumber]

yes m''dear indy, i''ll look out for your post!

as for marriage, i reckon you have a good head on your shoulders, and will make the right decision for YOU. you''ve got plenty of time to get there, enjoy it!

 

[princesss]

I think you would definitely regret it if you didn''t take this chance. That''s the balance we have to strike sometimes as people in a relationship - what is worth it, what isn''t? For me, the line is where not doing something would (IMO, of course) inhibit my personal growth. I''m willing to take a small hit professionally (not applying for the training program), but personal development isn''t something I feel like I can turn down. My SO is super supportive of that and of me continuing to explore the world and expand myself in whatever manner I choose. It sounds like yours is, too - we''re pretty lucky ladies, aren''t we?

 

[Haven]

Hey IndyLady!

I had similar fears (or at least concerns) about marriage before I was ready to get married, myself. However, since being with my DH I feel even freer than when I was single. Now I have a partner in life who supports everything that I do (and vice versa) and even though I never needed someone to support me in my endeavors before, since being married I feel like I''m more powerful/independent/ready to take on the world.

Do you have a friend who is like a partner in crime? That one person who, for whatever reason, fuels a fire within you and any time you spend with her feels like time intensified? Your conversations are intense and thought provoking. You are bolder, braver, funnier, and just generally more of everything you love about yourself when you''re around her? Think of finding all of that in a man and marrying him.

I''m having a difficult time articulating it, but I suppose what I''m trying to say is that when you''re married to the right person it opens your world up instead of closing it. Marriage truly is what you make of it.

If you marry someone who doesn''t want you to travel without him, Or, who doesn''t support you pursuing things like summer internships or other opportunities, then that will be limiting. But it doesn''t have to be that way.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Hi Indy! It''s good to see so many open and honest replies in this thread. Nice to see so much reassurance.

I''d like to say that I know several married couples who live in apartments and don''t want children any time soon. I already have a mortgage and don''t plan to have children, so while I understand what you mean about feeling like marriage/house/kids are a package deal, I''d like to remind you it doesn''t have to be that way. Thank goodness!

FF and I have had a few good discussions about exactly this. We''re both independent and we both have some concerns about getting married because of that. He told me one day that he didn''t even understand why he felt ''afraid'' of marriage at this point. He said his real fear about getting married was losing his independence, but that that didn''t make sense to him, since we already choose to do a lot of things together because we like to. We''re both easygoing, and not controlling, and it''s not like we''re going to get married and demand all of one another''s attention and time. It''s okay now if he wants to play a video game at home when I want to go shopping - we just split up and do our own thing - and why should getting married change that?

Marriage will change some things for us... The biggest change will be that we will live together, not just on weekends but every day. Which means we''ll technically have less ''alone time'', but we''ll still have our own spaces. We''ve talked finances, and we''ll still have separate accounts because that makes sense for the two of us, and one joint account for our bills and some savings. I really look forward to marrying him, and I''m a little nervous about the adjustment it will take at first, but I feel like we are both nearly ready for it, and will definitely be ready by the time we get married.

What I''m trying to say is that marriage can change some things but I don''t feel like it has to. You can still have some independence, as long as you talk with your partner about that and you are both understanding of what one another wants.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/20/2010 6:18:08 PM
Author: princesss
I think you would definitely regret it if you didn''t take this chance. That''s the balance we have to strike sometimes as people in a relationship - what is worth it, what isn''t? For me, the line is where not doing something would (IMO, of course) inhibit my personal growth. I''m willing to take a small hit professionally (not applying for the training program), but personal development isn''t something I feel like I can turn down. My SO is super supportive of that and of me continuing to explore the world and expand myself in whatever manner I choose. It sounds like yours is, too - we''re pretty lucky ladies, aren''t we?

We''re definitely lucky ladies.

I think you''ve articulated something really interesting, separating personal and professional development. Really, really interesting. Because I''ve always felt like I''d choose family over work, and actually imagined myself as a SAHM. A lot of the things I''m doing now really are about me, growing, living in a different city, living on my own, having a serious internship...its not about the money I''m making or putting it on my resume, but about the experience of having real responsibilities. I have to run so I can post a few more replies and go to bed (I''m flying tomorrow! and therefore have to wake up at 5am.

)

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/20/2010 11:01:28 PM
Author: Haven
Hey IndyLady!


I had similar fears (or at least concerns) about marriage before I was ready to get married, myself. However, since being with my DH I feel even freer than when I was single. Now I have a partner in life who supports everything that I do (and vice versa) and even though I never needed someone to support me in my endeavors before, since being married I feel like I''m more powerful/independent/ready to take on the world.


Do you have a friend who is like a partner in crime? That one person who, for whatever reason, fuels a fire within you and any time you spend with her feels like time intensified? Your conversations are intense and thought provoking. You are bolder, braver, funnier, and just generally more of everything you love about yourself when you''re around her? Think of finding all of that in a man and marrying him.


I''m having a difficult time articulating it, but I suppose what I''m trying to say is that when you''re married to the right person it opens your world up instead of closing it. Marriage truly is what you make of it.


If you marry someone who doesn''t want you to travel without him, Or, who doesn''t support you pursuing things like summer internships or other opportunities, then that will be limiting. But it doesn''t have to be that way.

I am really, really thankful that my SO has all of the qualities you mentioned. He''s completely supportive of me, and so proud of the things I''m doing and have put my mind too. Reading your post just makes me so happy and thankful.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/20/2010 11:35:27 PM
Author: crossmyfingers
Hi Indy! It''s good to see so many open and honest replies in this thread. Nice to see so much reassurance.

I''d like to say that I know several married couples who live in apartments and don''t want children any time soon. I already have a mortgage and don''t plan to have children, so while I understand what you mean about feeling like marriage/house/kids are a package deal, I''d like to remind you it doesn''t have to be that way. Thank goodness!


FF and I have had a few good discussions about exactly this. We''re both independent and we both have some concerns about getting married because of that. He told me one day that he didn''t even understand why he felt ''afraid'' of marriage at this point. He said his real fear about getting married was losing his independence, but that that didn''t make sense to him, since we already choose to do a lot of things together because we like to. We''re both easygoing, and not controlling, and it''s not like we''re going to get married and demand all of one another''s attention and time. It''s okay now if he wants to play a video game at home when I want to go shopping - we just split up and do our own thing - and why should getting married change that?


Marriage will change some things for us... The biggest change will be that we will live together, not just on weekends but every day. Which means we''ll technically have less ''alone time'', but we''ll still have our own spaces. We''ve talked finances, and we''ll still have separate accounts because that makes sense for the two of us, and one joint account for our bills and some savings. I really look forward to marrying him, and I''m a little nervous about the adjustment it will take at first, but I feel like we are both nearly ready for it, and will definitely be ready by the time we get married.

What I''m trying to say is that marriage can change some things but I don''t feel like it has to. You can still have some independence, as long as you talk with your partner about that and you are both understanding of what one another wants.

We''ve had a few good discussions on married life as well. We''re both pretty easygoing; and we''ve both volunteered at being the SAHParent. Neither of us are "set" in an area or even career field yet, so we both have a fair amount of flexibility for the time being. And lucky, we have similar timelines (though we''re not mega timeline oriented) for marriage and kids.

I feel so much better about all of this after going through this thread.

My SO and his roomies play this horrific game called Mass Effect. Has anyone heard of it? Thank goodness they''ve all finished it, I was so sick of seeing that game!

 

[4ever]

Date: 6/21/2010 12:15:42 AM
Author: IndyLady

We''ve had a few good discussions on married life as well. We''re both pretty easygoing; and we''ve both volunteered at being the SAHParent. Neither of us are ''set'' in an area or even career field yet, so we both have a fair amount of flexibility for the time being. And lucky, we have similar timelines (though we''re not mega timeline oriented) for marriage and kids.

I feel so much better about all of this after going through this thread.

My SO and his roomies play this horrific game called Mass Effect. Has anyone heard of it? Thank goodness they''ve all finished it, I was so sick of seeing that game!

BF has tried to convince me I''d really like this game and should give it a go.....not gonna happen.