Saver vs. Spender

[pennquaker09]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:11:18 AM
Author:meresal
What is your relationship dynamic? Saver/Saver, Saver/Spender, or Spender/Spender?


How would you suggest figuring out the best way to respect each others habits, if you found yourself in the Saver vs. Spender situation?

I would say we''re Saver/Saver. I do spend, but what I spend is very well within what we have. I''m not sure if that makes sense. I think the thing that I''ve learned is to spend in moderation.

When Nate and I first met, I''ll be honest and admit I was an unabashed spender. My parents were enablers. If I called my dad right now and asked him for oh say a car, he''d buy it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Ugh, the Pricescope ate my original posting...I need to remember to copy everything I write just in case...

I am absolutely a spender. While I''ve never gotten in too far over my head (typical first time credit card stuff) I''ve always enjoyed buying nice things. My husband is a perfect blend of spender/saver. He''ll spend freely and openly once our bills are covered and we''ve tucked money away into our savings accounts. Once we''re talking strictly fun money, his view is that we work hard so lets play hard. But, he also understands at this point in our marriage that I''m going to shop on an "as-needed" basis...meaning, whenever.

We have 4 open savings accounts right now. A basic savings account--our rainy day fund. A vacation account. A household upgrades account. And a maybe-baby account.

 

[Tuckins1]

Saver/Saver for the most part.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Before my DH changed careers, we were spender/spender. Dh bought only big ticket items - one big item every few months. . . I bought only small ticket items - lots every month!

We both recently admitted we're terrible with managing money and wrote up a budget and decided after any increase in income level for us, ALL of that extra will go into the bank.

Now, we're saver/saver.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:55:00 AM
Author: thing2of2
I really love clothes so I buy them a lot, which is where most of my extra money goes...I often think if I had a different job I wouldn''t be around clothes so much and I wouldn''t buy so many, but there''s no avoiding them at my job, so oh well!

Thing - where do you work? My friend works in retail and has to present a professional image and is constantly wearing new outfits and my husband always jokes that she''s "working for clothes." lol (I know if I was in retail, I''d buy TONS of clothes even if that meant living off of Top Ramen.)

 

[AmberGretchen]

We are really both. We both love to shop and buy nice things for ourselves and for each other, but we also recognize the importance of saving and making sure we don't go into debt.

I think the key is to communicate about it with each other and be willing to compromise.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/29/2009 11:32:32 AM
Author: Vix
Re the possibility of the (Extreme) Saver resenting the Spender 10 years down the line...let me tell you, ''vice versa'' applies here too.


Assuming serious bills (rent/mortgage, food, insurance etc) are being paid, it can create a lot of joylessness in a relationship if one party cannot let go to spend on what are technically non-essentials, or resents the other one for wanting to do so.


Quite frankly if the Extreme Saver has any OCD tendencies, the saving can cross over into hoarding pretty easily. Ditto for those prone to anxiety -- IME/IMO money is an easy thing to fixate on and attempt to control.


And since it''s *generally* more socially acceptable to save (notice how the e-ring threads aren''t too supportive of this, ha!) it can be very hard to be an advocate for living one''s life with a bit more individually-defined pleasure vs saving for a future life. Naturally -- and understandably -- this economic climate is giving Extreme Savers fuel for their more doomsday-oriented behavior.


I have to say, there''s a reason why couples counselors make money off of sex and money issues! Any, all or none of the strategies above may work well for relationships. Sometimes one truly has to agree to disagree or find someone with more compatible habits.


My .02 (and now I''m broke again

)

This is really excellent. I''ve been an extreme saver until recently and you could see the surprise in DH''s eyes when he told me he wanted a piece of audio equipment and I said "sure, when are you going to order it" rather than immediately logging into our bank account to figure out when in the next 6 months might be best. I realized that my unhealthy relationship with money was affecting DH and my relationship. It help that we''re both savers, but I still need to loosen up a bit.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i''m the spender (of my own money) she is a saver. she don''t care how i spend my money. we have separate accounts.

 

[meresal]

Thanks for the input. I really feel like I just need to gather some options and figure out how to present this to him. I've brought it up before, but it just never sticks with him.

I've caught myself freaking out about things that he could go spend lots of money on (ie Bachelor party in Vegas), and it just strikes me as extremely selfish on his part.(Every time he goes to vegas he takes $2000... usually comes back with at least half if he isn't ahead, but that's so much money for one weekend, considering he just went over Christmas) I'll be doing something local because I would rather have all my friends attend, and he just says he'll have another one here with the friends that can't afford to go to Vegas. I don't know how to get it across to him, that he needs control his spending by budgeting, and do it without yelling on my part. I start talking and I just get so frustrated with the thoughts of what he spends money on. I'm getting myself worked up again... I have no idea what to do.

I can't force a 26 yr old to do or feel anything, and I'm at a loss as to how to get him to do this on his own. He doesn't have to worry about his car breaking down, he doesn't have to worry about gas prices rising... nothing. How do you get someone to "see" into the future??

Date: 1/29/2009 6:00:23 PM
Author: Addy

This is really excellent. I've been an extreme saver until recently and you could see the surprise in DH's eyes when he told me he wanted a piece of audio equipment and I said 'sure, when are you going to order it' rather than immediately logging into our bank account to figure out when in the next 6 months might be best. I realized that my unhealthy relationship with money was affecting DH and my relationship. It help that we're both savers, but I still need to loosen up a bit.

Addy: What made you change? I see saving money as being responsible, and buying "wants" as being irrational. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

ETA: I understand vacations and nice dinners/weekends... its the impulse buys that bother me, and contantly "wanting" something else.

 

[Rhea]

The absolute look of shock on DH's face and his tone of disbelief as he said something like, "haha...wait, are you serious?!" Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally reformed, this was only about 3-4 months ago, but he was so shocked and had come prepared with ways what he wanted would benefit us. It was like hitting a brick wall. It made me see myself through his eyes temporarily, and it wasn't pretty. It was 442.69 GBP all told (sigh, old habits die hard), not something that was going to make or break us. And he loves it.

ETA: We have no problem with vacations and nice dinners, funny enough. That's date time. DH doesn't constantly want, which is a huge help. This is a series of 4 things, all audio related, that should total no more than 800 GBP. Three have been purchased, one of which counted as part Christmas present and part household funds, the fourth is waiting until at least summer, so it was just those two things that I let go of. He earns money too, I don't need control everything that is spent from our household funds. Two of the four he is building himself, but the parts are still costly in my opinion.

 

[meresal]

Well, he came home and asked me what I wanted to do tonight, and I said that I would really like to talk about finalizing a budget. He cocked his head and said, "Are you worried we don''t have money?" My reply, "I know we have money now, but what about after the wedding and the honeymoon, what if something happens?"

He rationalized by saying that I have lost my job before and we were fine, and I reminded him that I got a job before my unemployment stopped paying. His reply was, "Well I''m making more now." Then he left to go workout.

I realize it''s not the spending that bothers me, he''s not a huge spender, it''s the fact that he doesn''t see any point in saving. I just don''t understand, if he''s not spending alot, then where the heck is that money going?? I''m not happy living in an apartment for another 3 years, how he thinks we can afford a house without any down payment is beyond me? or what will happen when I do need a car? what if I lose my job and we have a car note?

He thinks we can just save for things "later". I''m so upset.

 

[tlh]

Oh sweetie!!! HUGS! My girlfriend whose husband is a spender and she is a saver has this same issue. What she ended up doing was taking over all the money affairs to make sure that money was going into savings, and this completely backfired, because he no longer felt the need to look and see if money was there, because he wasn't attachted to any bills. She would recommend against this. One thing that helped was she made HIM up his 401K so that things would be okay later down the line... and he wouldnt see it in his paycheck. This helped some. But she gets incredibly frustrated because she feels that in order to save anything, she is the one that must sacrifice on things. So he goes on ski trips to Colorado, extravagent Vegas trips, and spends money on electronics and gadgets, and she mostly does without. Whenever she tries to bring it up to him, and he's spending money, he just says, well if I get these $300 pair of boots, you can go shopping and buy $300 worth of clothes... But she is like... but that is $600 we dont HAVE to spend! So he tries to feel better by forcing her to spend money on other things... it is a strange dynamic. But it is not one that is hopeless. She just gives up the argument/ discussion, because he doesn't see her point in fretting (because they do have money NOW)... and is exhausted. He HAS gotten better though when she actually explained, look I am sacrificing to save, and you are spending all that I saved and it is frustrating. I think once he understood that he was being very selfish, he felt really bad... and is actively trying to work on things. He discusses with her now if they can budget $XX to do certain things, and it really does seem to be working out. I am not saying that he shouldn't go to Vegas for his Bachelor party. I do think it stinks that you have to have a backyard Bachellorette Party while he gets 2 Bachelor Parties (even though the one at home will probably be free for him...) what I mean by this is that, this is $2,000 he is spending on himself... and not $2,000 you are spending on a vacation together.... which is frustrating. I am sorry I was soo longwinded, but here is a HUGE HUG!!! I know you'll get through this!

 

[elrohwen]

I''m really sorry

::hugs::

I don''t really know what you can do other than bring this stuff up to him again and again and hope he gets it eventually. I still think playing the marriage card will work ... maybe he''ll understand a little better when he realizes it''s not just about money for him, but money for both of you?? His attitude is a tad selfish in the "I''m making lots of money so I can spend it any way I want" way of thinking. That''s fine when you''re single and have no one to answer to, but he has to think of married things now like buying a house and a car.

I don''t think I have any more constructive advice, but I wanted to offer my support. It can''t be an easy thing to go through, but I''m sure it will make you a stronger couple in the end when you learn to really work together to meet goals (seems like he has to do most of the learning).

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh, I so understand how you must feel!

Truly, you need to get him to go with you to some kind of neutral financial planner to help you make a budget. You need one account that all the bills will be paid from, a set amount going to savings and retirement, and a separate account for each of you for your own use. I think if you don''t get this worked out now, the problems will only grow. You need to talk about goals. Doesn''t he realize that paying rent is money down the drain? Have you talked about ever having children in the future? These things (houses, kids, etc.) are worthwhile, but they require discipline to save for. Marriage really requires both people to be willing to make sacrifices to some extent and you need to be sure he is ready to do that.

 

[meresal]

Thanks ladies. In the yr and a half I''ve been on this site, I don''t think I''ve ever needed hugs, but last night was a pure melt down. I don''t share much about my relationship, but it''s wonderful to know that there is always someone listening when I need help. Thanks again.

Well, we sat down and talked again last night while having dinner. It was a much calmer discussion, thank goodness, and we got alot out on the table. We talked about things that we want in the future, and I expressed how saving for them "later" is just not an option at this point. We agreed to 25%, from both parties, before bills are paid. It will be a set amount of money per pay check, which should make it easier once he gets into the habit.

I''ve heard him say this before, and never followed through, so I''d really like for this one to stick. I''m not really sure what I''m supposed to do, if he doesn''t save the money we agreed, but for some reason I think this time will be different.

Thanks again for all of your input. I have been the spender in a relationship before, and I know what kind of feelings it can harbor from both sides. I want to nip this in the bud.

 

[jewelerman]

Im a saver and most of the women ive dated seriously have been either savers or extreme spenders(the extreme spenders didnt last long)I dont mind spending money if its planned for and hate impulse spending.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:11:18 AM
Author:meresal
What is your relationship dynamic? Saver/Saver, Saver/Spender, or Spender/Spender?

How would you suggest figuring out the best way to respect eachother''s habits, if you found yourself in the Saver vs. Spender situation?

get three accounts...your,his,ours...what you spend from your is not open for debate...If impulse buying is kept down to a minimum(plus over spending on wants rather then needs like entertainment,eating out,shopping)then the occasional binge isnt grounds for a fight.

 

[JSM]

I''m more of a saver, he''s a definite spender. He knows that once we are married he will get an allowance (so will I), but I will take control of the day to day finances. My checkbook is balanced to the penny, I save a certain portion of my paycheck no matter what, I know how to shop for the best deals on the things we NEED.

Luckily, I think he''s looking forward to not having to worry about the money aspect. He''ll spend his money as he sees fit, no questions asked, though the majority of it I will control for bills and savings.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/30/2009 8:43:24 AM
Author: meresal
Thanks ladies. In the yr and a half I''ve been on this site, I don''t think I''ve ever needed hugs, but last night was a pure melt down. I don''t share much about my relationship, but it''s wonderful to know that there is always someone listening when I need help. Thanks again.

Well, we sat down and talked again last night while having dinner. It was a much calmer discussion, thank goodness, and we got alot out on the table. We talked about things that we want in the future, and I expressed how saving for them ''later'' is just not an option at this point. We agreed to 25%, from both parties, before bills are paid. It will be a set amount of money per pay check, which should make it easier once he gets into the habit.

I''ve heard him say this before, and never followed through, so I''d really like for this one to stick. I''m not really sure what I''m supposed to do, if he doesn''t save the money we agreed, but for some reason I think this time will be different.

Thanks again for all of your input. I have been the spender in a relationship before, and I know what kind of feelings it can harbor from both sides. I want to nip this in the bud.

I practice this philosophy... plant the seed and water often... you''ll see results, and they''ll think it was their idea!

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/30/2009 11:46:12 AM
Author: jewelerman

Author: jewelerman
get three accounts...your,his,ours...what you spend from your is not open for debate...If impulse buying is kept down to a minimum(plus over spending on wants rather then needs like entertainment,eating out,shopping)then the occasional binge isnt grounds for a fight.

I agree with jewelerman. This is what D and I do-we have our own accounts and our joint one. Bills etc come out of the joint one, we have a savings one and then whatever is left in our own accounts is ours to splurge as we see fit. I''m a spender and D is most definitely a saver although he does enjoy spending some money on his hobbies. It works well for us as we get our savings and bills paid and I don''t feel stiffled by his lack of wanting to spend.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/30/2009 12:24:44 PM
Author: bee*

I agree with jewelerman. This is what D and I do-we have our own accounts and our joint one. Bills etc come out of the joint one, we have a savings one and then whatever is left in our own accounts is ours to splurge as we see fit. I''m a spender and D is most definitely a saver although he does enjoy spending some money on his hobbies. It works well for us as we get our savings and bills paid and I don''t feel stiffled by his lack of wanting to spend.

Bee*: How did you determine what would each of you would put in the "bills" account and the "savings" account?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You have to take the total that you both make, and add up all the regular monthly bills. Have that much go into the joint account. Once you subtract all the expenses, then decide how much you each need for personal spending each month and put that in your separate accounts. Put 25% plus any extra in savings. It is good to have more than one savings account for multiple purposes to be sure you keep enough in each account for it''s purpose (such as the emergency fund that is not touched, the house down payment/maintenance account, maybe a vacation account, etc.).

I realize that might be hard to do before you are married, but once you are married, the money belongs to you both, regardless of who makes more. I think if either party considers the money belonging solely to them, then there is a problem that may intensify later on.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:04:07 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
You have to take the total that you both make, and add up all the regular monthly bills. Have that much go into the joint account. Once you subtract all the expenses, then decide how much you each need for personal spending each month and put that in your separate accounts. Put 25% plus any extra in savings. It is good to have more than one savings account for multiple purposes to be sure you keep enough in each account for it''s purpose (such as the emergency fund that is not touched, the house down payment/maintenance account, maybe a vacation account, etc.).

I realize that might be hard to do before you are married, but once you are married, the money belongs to you both, regardless of who makes more. I think if either party considers the money belonging solely to them, then there is a problem that may intensify later on.

Well put.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:04:07 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
You have to take the total that you both make, and add up all the regular monthly bills. Have that much go into the joint account. Once you subtract all the expenses, then decide how much you each need for personal spending each month and put that in your separate accounts. Put 25% plus any extra in savings. It is good to have more than one savings account for multiple purposes to be sure you keep enough in each account for it''s purpose (such as the emergency fund that is not touched, the house down payment/maintenance account, maybe a vacation account, etc.).

I realize that might be hard to do before you are married, but once you are married, the money belongs to you both, regardless of who makes more. I think if either party considers the money belonging solely to them, then there is a problem that may intensify later on.

Thanks for you help!
Your break-up above sounds alot like what we have decided on, but instead of taking into account how much we "think" we will need after bills, I decided that we should put 25% before bills, pay our bills the, and then live off of what is left which will be more than enough. At the end of the month, whatever we have left in our respective personal accounts can be done with what we please. I told him that mine will most likely go into a personal savings acct and he might want to consider the same, but he can do what he wants. I made it clear that the 25% savings each month will not be touched for any reason. We both have set salaries, so for him it will be easier to put the same exact amount away each month, rather than figuring a different number each paycheck.

Here''s my qestion: To set up all these accounts, do we need to have both of our names on a Main account, and then set up these separate ones within it? Right now we have separate accounts, so it''s hard to create a "bills" account, "vacation" acct, etc. Is this something that we need to go sit with a banker and discuss?

 

[tlh]

I''d visit a bank on that one, they can get you setup and usually multiple accounts dont really cost you anything...

or settup like an ING savings account... they have a REALLY GOOD RATE (as far as savings goes... just takes 2 days to get the $$ out... which isn''t too bad really!)