Saver vs. Spender

[meresal]

What is your relationship dynamic? Saver/Saver, Saver/Spender, or Spender/Spender?

How would you suggest figuring out the best way to respect eachother''s habits, if you found yourself in the Saver vs. Spender situation?

 

[geckodani]

DH is a saver. I'm a reformed spender.

(Well... mostly....) I got into some major credit card debt in college, and once I managed to pay if off, tried to be a LOT more careful with the cash.That said, if we go over budget for the month, it can ALWAYS be traced to me. DH doesn't spend money, LOL.

The way we have appeased the spender in me, was to set an "allowance" for each of us. All the money goes into the joint account, and we both pull out a set amount in cash as our spending money. If it's not groceries or gas - it comes out of the cash. End of story.

It seems to be working out pretty well so far, and took a lot of the strain off of our money dynamic. The first year of marriage, before we instituted the cash rule, had a lot of, "Where the hell did the money go?!?" conversations...

I've also made it a point to spend as little of my cash as I can and stash the rest for bigger purchases.

Big purchases for the house etc are discussed and budgeted for separately from the cash.

That's what works for us. I have friends that have their own credit cards that the other doesn't have access too, separate accounts etc.

 

[tlh]

Great TOPIC!!!
My hubby and I are Saver/Savers. But we''ll save and budget for luxury items.

I have friends w/ the saver/spender dynamic in various stages and I find that after awhile the saver starts to resent the spender. (The beginning stages, it isn''t so bad... but after several years 10+ of marriage, it really begins to eat at the couple if they aren''t in sync.)

 

[sklingem]

Hm - I think we both adjust our spending/saving according to anticipated expenses and income. If we feel we can spend it - then we both are eager to do so. If not we get into extreme saving mode ... Sometimes I do have to ask my GF if she REALLY needs that handbag or pair of shoes. The answer is usually "yes". Do I enjoy spending money?? YES!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm an intense saver. DH is an intense saver. I couldn't marry a spender. Having similar financial goals and spending habits is way too important to me. I personally love making sacrifices and achieving financial goals together--it reinforces that we're a strong team. Saving money is much more fun for me than spending it...I genuinely hate spending money.

ETA: DH and I have to buy a used SUV this weekend--we tucked the money away a long time ago because we planned to buy one after we got our first dog (4 years ago)...I have been very depressed and crabby all week because I absolutely hate that we're going to have to write a check for a depreciating asset....we've put it off for as long as we can. This is generally my attitude, though...I feel uneasy and frustrated anytime I have to make a big purchase.

 

[onedrop]

Unfortunately we both lean more toward spending than saving with me being more of a saver. BUT...recently we had a harsh reality check and are committed to severly crimping our spending style such that we are more prepared when something unexpected comes up. On the postive side, we are on the same page as far as saving for the future and such, so we contribute to our respective 401Ks and contribute to a brokerage account which contains our 6-8 month emergency fund.

I think what has worked for us in terms of reconciling our spending habits has been good old fashioned communication. And we decided as a team how to tackle our various debts. We also use each other''s strengths to our advantage. For instance, DH is much more organized and good with #s than I am so he handles double-checking to make sure all the bills have been paid, and reviews all the financial statements etc. I on the other hand, am great at research, so I am able to gather and break down all the financial information we need to have on hand to make decisions.

 

[NovemberBride]

Good topic! I am a spender and DH is a saver. However, I am a spender only after saving is done so it works for us. What I mean by that is after we have put away the agreed upon amounts in our 401ks and savings accounts and paid all our bills, I have no problem spending everything we have left. DHs attitude is that he doesn''t buy anything unless he needs it - by his method, I would never buy another handbag or pair of shoes! However, since my spending does not affect our goals for the future, it doesn''t cause issues for us. Basically, we have agreed to disagree so long as our mutual goals are being met. We are lucky enough to have a high enough income that there is plenty left to spend after we save.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:06:35 AM
Author: NovemberBride
Good topic! I am a spender and DH is a saver. However, I am a spender only after saving is done so it works for us. What I mean by that is after we have put away the agreed upon amounts in our 401ks and savings accounts and paid all our bills, I have no problem spending everything we have left. DHs attitude is that he doesn''t buy anything unless he needs it - by his method, I would never buy another handbag or pair of shoes! However, since my spending does not affect our goals for the future, it doesn''t cause issues for us. Basically, we have agreed to disagree so long as our mutual goals are being met. We are lucky enough to have a high enough income that there is plenty left to spend after we save.

We are exactly the same. Thanks for writing what I was just about to.

 

[Shoopy]

Spender/Saver (Me/FI)

I''m very quick to tell him that I don''t feel like waiting for a meal at home, let''s just go to a restaurant (even though by the time we get there 10 minutes later and wait for our table for 30 minutes, dinner at home would have been ready).

In order for me to respect his habit, I have completely changed my spending habits. I don''t buy things unless I really need it. And if there is something really pricey that I want, I call him and talk about it. Sometimes he can convince me not to purchase, sometimes he can''t but he appreciates that I at least discussed it with him.

At the same time, he has to respect the fact that I work really hard and if I want to splurge every once in a while then that''s what I''m going to do because I deserve it (as does every other hard working person). Bills are always paid on time, we have everything we need, and we are saving money so if I want to go have a nice meal then I should be "allowed."

I think its also important to be on board with your goals...whether that''s saving for a wedding or for a house or for improvements on a house, etc. You can''t have the saver wanting to do something like put tile throughout the house and the spender wanting to spend it on rims for the car or something ridiculous like that.

 

[Haven]

I''m a saver and DH is a spender. He''s reforming his ways, though.

I''m thrifty, and I really dislike parting with my money because I prefer to have choices and options over having stuff. DH, on the other hand, spent over a decade living on his own in a modest condo while making a very good living, so he was used to not having to budget his money because he always had extra.

Since we''ve been married my thriftiness is rubbing off on him. He''s finally adopted my "think on it" method to impulse purchases--if I find something I decide I want to buy on the spot, I never purchase it then and there. I always take at least a day to think about it, and more times than not, I never end up buying it.

 

[elrohwen]

Ooo, interesting topic. Compared to most people I know, I think I'm a saver. I'm careful with money, I have no debt, pay off my credit card every month, contribute tons to my 401k etc. However, FI is way more of a saver than I am. Haha. For example, we'll get Chinese takeout once or twice a month and he'll say "I think we're eating out too much! We need to cut back!"

He's silly. So I guess we're saver vs saver, but he worries about it all much more than I do and sometimes makes me feel like more of a spender than I normally would. He also never buys clothes or shoes, so I think he just can't understand when I spend money on things like that occasionally.

We're not married yet, so I can still spend whatever money I have left after bills and savings and he can't really comment if I want to go on a shoe splurge at Nine West. Once our money is combined, we'll see if he starts to get more anxious whenever I spend extra money on clothes or something. The way I see it, as long as we're meeting the goals we've set, it doesn't matter if I spend some of the extra that I've worked hard to make.

ETA: I went back and read the posts and Novemberbride pretty much summed up what I wanted to say.

 

[Rhea]

Saver/Saver. We try to save and neither of us spends much day to day, but we both have our items that we save for and then spend quite a lot on. DH''s new amp, for example. We don''t really have too many goals or plans with our money, but we always consult the other person before making a large purchase.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:24:57 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I''m an intense saver. DH is an intense saver. I couldn''t marry a spender. Having similar financial goals and spending habits is way too important to me. I personally love making sacrifices and achieving financial goals together--it reinforces that we''re a strong team. Saving money is much more fun for me than spending it...I genuinely hate spending money.

ETA: DH and I have to buy a used SUV this weekend--we tucked the money away a long time ago because we planned to buy one after we got our first dog (4 years ago)...I have been very depressed and crabby all week because I absolutely hate that we''re going to have to write a check for a depreciating asset....we''ve put it off for as long as we can. This is generally my attitude, though...I feel uneasy and frustrated anytime I have to make a big purchase.

NEL... I''m the exact same way. The first time I had to pay my semi-annual insurance payment, which was when I graduated from college three years ago, I had an anxiety attack and cried. Literally!! I had never had to write a check for over a $500 before... and it was something I didn''t "want".

I used to be a spender in college, but my ex was an extreme saver... obviously it has rubbed off. I actually get lots of joy and pride from watching my bank account grow.
However, my FI is a spender... not a huge one, but a spender. A hundred here and there, and then he goes and buys CD''s and a couple magazines everytime we are at an airport. I know it is just getting under my skin, beacuse I never spend money, but I feel like I''m driving him away. I found out last night, he even waited till I was out of town to go buy a new pair of football cleats, because he was scared to tell me.

He makes substantailly more than I do, but hasn''t accumulated much more than me... yes he saved ALOT for my ER, and maybe that is why I feel so horrible for being a watchdog of sorts. I don''t want him to be scared of me, but I want him to see that we are not at the point in our lives where we can spend freely.

I definitely need to be better at respecting the fact that he makes money and can buy things he wants, but I also feel like I don''t get the respect from him that I deserve. Like promising to put a certain percentage away every month, which I would be ecstatic about.

I''m stressing about the fact that he doesn''t see long-term purchases very well. This is a great time to buy a house in our area, rates are at and below 4.5%. Also, my car is 6 yrs old, and is over 100k miles. I will need a new one in less than probably 3-4 years, but he just doesn''t look into the future to see these things, and how they could effect us.

 

[iheartscience]

I''m the spender, my fiance is the saver. I have gotten better about spending the older I''ve gotten, but honestly, there are still weeks where I wonder where all my extra money went!

I really love clothes so I buy them a lot, which is where most of my extra money goes...I often think if I had a different job I wouldn''t be around clothes so much and I wouldn''t buy so many, but there''s no avoiding them at my job, so oh well!

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:21:35 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/29/2009 9:24:57 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I''m an intense saver. DH is an intense saver. I couldn''t marry a spender. Having similar financial goals and spending habits is way too important to me. I personally love making sacrifices and achieving financial goals together--it reinforces that we''re a strong team. Saving money is much more fun for me than spending it...I genuinely hate spending money.

ETA: DH and I have to buy a used SUV this weekend--we tucked the money away a long time ago because we planned to buy one after we got our first dog (4 years ago)...I have been very depressed and crabby all week because I absolutely hate that we''re going to have to write a check for a depreciating asset....we''ve put it off for as long as we can. This is generally my attitude, though...I feel uneasy and frustrated anytime I have to make a big purchase.

NEL... I''m the exact same way. The first time I had to pay my semi-annual insurance payment, which was when I graduated from college three years ago, I had an anxiety attack and cried. Literally!! I had never had to write a check for over a $500 before... and it was something I didn''t ''want''.

I used to be a spender in college, but my ex was an extreme saver... obviously it has rubbed off. I actually get lots of joy and pride from watching my bank account grow.
However, my FI is a spender... not a huge one, but a spender. A hundred here and there, and then he goes and buys CD''s and a couple magazines everytime we are at an airport. I know it is just getting under my skin, beacuse I never spend money, but I feel like I''m driving him away. I found out last night, he even waited till I was out of town to go buy a new pair of football cleats, because he was scared to tell me.

He makes substantailly more than I do, but hasn''t accumulated much more than me... yes he saved ALOT for my ER, and maybe that is why I feel so horrible for being a watchdog of sorts. I don''t want him to be scared of me, but I want him to see that we are not at the point in our lives where we can spend freely.

I definitely need to be better at respecting the fact that he makes money and can buy things he wants, but I also feel like I don''t get the respect from him that I deserve. Like promising to put a certain percentage away every month, which I would be ecstatic about.

I''m stressing about the fact that he doesn''t see long-term purchases very well. This is a great time to buy a house in our area, rates are at and below 4.5%. Also, my car is 6 yrs old, and is over 100k miles. I will need a new one in less than probably 3-4 years, but he just doesn''t look into the future to see these things, and how they could effect us.

That''s tough Meresal. What does he say when you try to set financial goals? Like, if you set up an online savings account and said "We need to start a fund for a new car/new house/whatever and each of us needs to contribute $X (or Y%) every month." What would he say to that? I can''t see how he could say no to developing financial goals together, but I guess if he doesn''t think they are necessary he''s not going to jump on board with the plan.

It seems like you''re nervous about where this spender/saver thing is going and you don''t want to resent him down the road (or him to resent you not letting him buy stuff). I definitely think there are ways to approach finances where he can have free money to spend on the things he wants to get, but he only gets that free money after you feel that you''re meeting financial goals for that month. You''re going to be married soon, so he has to respect that it''s now joint money, even if you don''t put it all in a joint account or use the same credit card.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:21:35 AM
Author: meresal


I used to be a spender in college, but my ex was an extreme saver... obviously it has rubbed off. I actually get lots of joy and pride from watching my bank account grow.
However, my FI is a spender... not a huge one, but a spender. A hundred here and there, and then he goes and buys CD''s and a couple magazines everytime we are at an airport. I know it is just getting under my skin, beacuse I never spend money, but I feel like I''m driving him away. I found out last night, he even waited till I was out of town to go buy a new pair of football cleats, because he was scared to tell me.

That''s definitely something you guys need to work on because you don''t want him to be afraid to tell his wife that he''s making certain purchases.

One of the bigger things we had to overcome in our relationship was something similar to that statement. I make a lot more than FI does. We combined incomes because it was just easier for us to save and knock off the big bills. But because I make a lot more, he was afraid to buy stuff and would ask permission to buy a $5 used CD or go grab BK for lunch. That situation made the both of us feel uncomfortable. He felt that even though he makes significantly less, he still brings in money. And I started feeling like his mother instead of his partner.

So there was some adjustment that needed to be made and we''ve set rules (I

rules). We don''t question each other''s purchases unless they are over a certain dollar amount (used to be $200 but now down to $150).

You do deserve respect to know exactly where the money is going. You guys are a household.

 

[meresal]

ETA: After re-reading, I realize that my post may sound very selfish. Let me explain...
We do live together, but all of our finances are separate... and probably will be after marriage as well. At this point, it is probably the best for my sanity and our relationship

FI works for his family business. His truck is paid for, which he recieves a new one of every 2 years becuase they are on leases. His gas and insurance are also paid for by the company. His personal monthly expenses include his half of the rent, a $500 payment towards my ring which ends in May, and food.

We switch months paying the cable and water bills. I pay the cell phone and electricity every month, and then submit a quarterly invoice to him, and move his half to my account. Yes, an invoice.

Right now we spend 50% of our pay on necessities (the things stated above); Yes, cable is a necessity for him. And have plenty left over for spending.. however, we don''t own a house, don''t pay property taxes, and don''t have a car note. We are VERY lucky, but this will not always be the case. I need to show him that what we make now, will not always leave us with such a large amount of excess funds.

 

[decodelighted]

DH & I are both reforming spenders ... but I''m a bit further along & dragging him w/me HEH. We both were frugal, frugal, frugal out of necessity for years & then made a bunch of $$ at once (individually) & went a little crazy. Since we''ve been together, fortunes have been more rollercoastery for both of us. Its been a slow, tough process to get back to our roots & be frugal again. Once they''ve seen Pariee etc.

Though I''m tight with *our* cashola ... I do always seek out opportunities to spend OTHER PEOPLE''s money (on them, of course). Finding things that suit them on sale ... thinking up anniversary gifts for other people to give ... planning trips my parents should take ...

So maybe I''m BI???

 

[Bia]

I''m a Spender

/ He''s a Saver

Because of him we own a home (technically he owns since we''re not married yet) and we have a fairly decent amount in savings. If he were not a saver, we''d be up s**** creek. I never adopted a "savings" mentality until recently, when we FI helped me create a budget, and that has helped tremendously. I am still, by instinct, a spender. I always want something and I''ve had to learn to curb those feelings. Slowly my personal savings is rising, which is a great feeling.

Funny thing is, my parents are savers and so is my brother, but I never adopted those ways. I''m trying!

 

[tlh]

Your post didn''t make you sound selfish at all. It is an age old debate. Sometimes it comes down to how much debt you are comfortable having. Sometimes it is a set amount. $50 or less okay to spend w/o checking... stuff like that.
Splitting the money down the middle definately gives a sense of my money, your money... and well I tell my DH it is ALL MY MONEY.

But in all honesty, when it is split like this, it does sometimes cause a rift in a divide. Sometimes, my money, your money, OUR money - works in this situation. IE: 50% of my take home goes in for bills, 50% of your take home goes in for bills and then there is a split. 25% of the extra goes to savings, the other 25% we can spend on dinners, things etc... sometimes can work.
Best wishes, I do find talking helps. (As you said you are a reformed spender!)

 

[Vix]

Re the possibility of the (Extreme) Saver resenting the Spender 10 years down the line...let me tell you, "vice versa" applies here too.

Assuming serious bills (rent/mortgage, food, insurance etc) are being paid, it can create a lot of joylessness in a relationship if one party cannot let go to spend on what are technically non-essentials, or resents the other one for wanting to do so.

Quite frankly if the Extreme Saver has any OCD tendencies, the saving can cross over into hoarding pretty easily. Ditto for those prone to anxiety -- IME/IMO money is an easy thing to fixate on and attempt to control.

And since it''s *generally* more socially acceptable to save (notice how the e-ring threads aren''t too supportive of this, ha!) it can be very hard to be an advocate for living one''s life with a bit more individually-defined pleasure vs saving for a future life. Naturally -- and understandably -- this economic climate is giving Extreme Savers fuel for their more doomsday-oriented behavior.

I have to say, there''s a reason why couples counselors make money off of sex and money issues! Any, all or none of the strategies above may work well for relationships. Sometimes one truly has to agree to disagree or find someone with more compatible habits.

My .02 (and now I''m broke again

)

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

We''re spender/spender, but I sit on the fence between spending and saving. I go through fits and starts where I''ll save and pinch pennies or I''ll spend. But I''m always the first to raise a red flag and say "hey, we need to cut back a bit" or mention where money needs to go. For example, I know that if FI has a chunk of money in the bank he won''t just let it sit. He thinks "Hey! I''ve got money, I can buy this game". He doesn''t think long term-for example, we''re getting married this summer and the honeymoon is his responsibility. We''ve decided to go to Belize. He''s getting a sign on bonus from his new job in this next paycheck and he plans on putting it towards the HM. I know that if it''s sitting in his account he''ll spend it without realizing it. So I made the suggestion that he make a good-sized payment on the HM now, so we know for sure that it''s going to the place it needs to go and there''s no temptation. There''s no reason why the trip needs to be paid for in one lump sum.

I think the allowance idea is probably a technique we''ll adopt once we''re married. The idea of merging accounts is SCARY though!!! I really want to go see a financial advisor before we try merging things ourselves though. I''d like an objective person to review our personalities and spending habits and help up devise a plan that works for us both and will help us achieve our goals.

 

[Aloros]

We''re saver/saver. It works out really well. We discuss purchases with one another and splurge once in a while - enough to keep us both happy and not complete scrooges. Some of the things we are doing to save money are things that we find really enjoyable (making our own bread, growing our own vegetable garden). We like to keep at least a 3-month expenses cushion in our account, in case of disaster. Really, the more money we have in savings, the better we feel! We''re going to reach a point in the next six months where we won''t be pinching pennies as much, and it''ll be nice, but we manage just fine right now.

We tend to be on the exact same page regarding $$, and it is such a comfortable arrangement!

My last relationship was with a spender, and I tended to feel a little resentful.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/29/2009 11:51:51 AM
Author: Aloros
We're saver/saver. It works out really well. We discuss purchases with one another and splurge once in a while - enough to keep us both happy and not complete scrooges. Some of the things we are doing to save money are things that we find really enjoyable (making our own bread, growing our own vegetable garden). We like to keep at least a 3-month expenses cushion in our account, in case of disaster. Really, the more money we have in savings, the better we feel! We're going to reach a point in the next six months where we won't be pinching pennies as much, and it'll be nice, but we manage just fine right now.

We tend to be on the exact same page regarding $$, and it is such a comfortable arrangement!

My last relationship was with a spender, and I tended to feel a little resentful.

Saver / saver, we both live very simple lives, don't go out much and spend most of our time at home as we are happiest that way but although we save, we both believe in a splurge now and then but are careful to make sure we have our safety net behind us, we try not to go below a certain sum.

 

[elrohwen]

I don''t think you sound selfish at all, Meresal! I think it''s smart to think about these things and to think of constructive ways to solve them. Too many couples don''t think about it at all or just fall into the habit of nagging to control their partner.

 

[coatimundi_org]

Hub save-Me spend.

 

[omieluv]

When we met I was the saver and he was the spender. He just did not understand the concept of saving money for the future, which did put a strain on our relationship for a while. His family felt had that "live for the moment" mentality, which drove me crazy because it negatively impacted their finances. They also did not have the best financial sense. To give an example, his mother thought for a while that as long as you have checks in your checkbook, that meant you had enough money to cover whatever amount you wrote them for. Geesh. His dad was better than his mom, so he handled most of the finances himself, but he does not have much of an understanding regarding saving money. Eventually, my BF has become more of a saver, as he has realized that he wants to have a better lifestyle than his parents had. .

 

[kcoursolle]

Probably closer to saver/saver. We both have financial goals and make sure we meet them before spending and for the most part we don''t go out to head or buy things all the time. We both however, have one expensive hobby, his is electronics and mine is jewelry, but we balance each other and check in to make sure we aren''t going overboard with our purchases.

 

[Steel]

Saver/Saver.

Perhaps with a twist. We hate to spend money on necessities and are as frugal as possible day to day but I have a slight diamond and LV habit and DH has his own vices.

If I HAVE to spend money I do not want to pay more than I have to. But if I want to spend money I have no problem handing over the €€€''s.

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m the saver, he''s the spender. I also analyze and research every purchase (hence, PS) while he would love to just throw money at the first thing he sees without any knowledge.