divergrrl
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2002
- Messages
- 2,224
Hi...its diver..didn''t want to hijack your other thread....
I wish I could just do that with my mom...problem is...she''s an emotional blackmailer & manipulator. She''s been putting me inbetween her & my dad since the divorce when I was 8. ("Call your father & tell him if he wants to see you he''d better bring the child support check") (fwiw, he always paid...he was no deadbeat & always there for me) So much garbage that I chose to let go of as an adult...
Ever since my wedding, there have been numerous occasions where we have to have everyone in the same room. (showers, rehearsal dinners, college graduations, baby showers, birth of my son at hospital, baptismal, first birthday, second bday, etc.) My mom tells me if my dad''s wife "has any decency, that woman would not show her face" at any of these things.
Real quick...my dad met my stepmom like.. 15 years after he divorced my mom, so its not like she''s the other woman or this is new or anything. She''s nice to me, my dad loves her, I get along with them fabulously. My stepmom does not try to be my mom, she has her own kids, but she & I are friends, so in my mind, its a good thing. I mean, if you have to have a stepfamily, isn''t it better to LIKE them?
So everytime we have a "function",my mom tosses a fit. Says my son is going to think my stepmom is his "real" gramma. I try to explain to her that there is enough love in his heart to go around & when he''s older, he''ll understand, but she just needs to be herself & he''ll love her more than she can ever imagine & not to worry about it. but she won''t hear it, says I treat her like a dog, and no other granparent in the world has to deal with this. She''ll call the house or my cell 35 times (my dh has counted---it really started getting psycho/scary) screaming at me. Screaming. She''ll finally show up, and act very nice & even hug my stepmom. By that time my nerves are shot.
Then for weeks afterwards I get the "you don''t know what those people have done to me" lecture. I tell her I dont'' want to be in the middle but she won''t listen.
I can''t get into it without getting really long winded/upset, but she started using my son to manipulate situations over the last year. She''ll do things to him to annoy me (have him for the weekend & not make him nap-go to bed early, not change his diaper for 12 hours straight so when I pick him up his dipe is down his pants & he''s covered in urine just to name a few) and that have the potential to make him very confused once he gets older. I started to worry about his well being with her.
Without putting it like that, I tried to have a civilized conversation with her, asking her to work WITH me on his schedule, etc when she has him, trying to empower her as part of "our" team etc...but she''d have no part of it. She lights into the whole business with my dad/stepmom (which has nothing to do with her but she''s obsessed with) and tells me I treat her like doo-doo. If I knew what ''those people" did to her, then I''d see things her way. Honestly, everyone has been nice to her.
Truth is, she''s kind of crazy. She''s never been "all there" and I''ve spent my entire teens/20''s/and the last 6 years of my 30''s trying to get along & work with her & quite frankly, I''m done. I''ve forgiven her for physically abusing me as a child (i have scars from the stitches) and I tried to give her the benefit of a doubt & look for the good in her. But I have come to the realization that if I don''t set boundaries with her she''ll continue to pull her crazy act & while I''m old enough to understand that she just is the way she is, my children do not need to be in the middle of it. I spent my life in the middle & it was horrible.
She can be part of our lives, but she is going to have to work very hard & it will take a long time to earn our trust. I have to be honest, I doubt she can do it.
I''m just really sad because I never had one of those "moms" that you felt close to. The worst part was, when she was good, she was actually pretty great, so it was like getting the rug ripped out from underneath you again & again when she''d "go bad on us". My brother finally quit speaking to her a few years ago because he''d had enough. Her own brothers & sisters won''t talk to her either...its a very dysfunctional family.
I appreciate your telling me about what you went through, and I agree, sometimes you just have to stick around and fight the good fight. But when you aren''t dealing with someone with the ability to forgive (she''s got a sick obsession that drives her behavior) sometimes you have to protect yourself & your family by putting up some serious boundaries. It just saddens me deeply because I just want to have a mom who loves me enough to let go of her fixation long enough to just be with my family. I know its hard for her to have to see my dad & his wife, and I always tell her she''s welcome to stay home if for any reason its too much for her & we will totally understand, but the fits & drama are not acceptable. I can''t spend my whole life having 2 versions of every function for each of my children. I already do 2 version of xmas/turkey day because even I know they shouldn''t have to see each other then....but I can''t make the schools do 2 graduations, or the church do 2 baptisms, I''m not throwing 2 birthday parties..etc....
It just really hurts because she''s cutting off her nose to spite her face & nothing I''ve ever said or done has changed that. I always wind up being the traitor in her eyes & can never win. If I want to cut my dad out (but she''s go to her grave telling me that she respects my relationship with my dad --however her action say exactly the opposite) and make his wife stay home from everything, then she''ll come around. I''m not willing to do that to the man who treats me with respect, love, and the utmost of compassion. My dad is even cheering for my mom & she doesn''t know it. He tries to rationalize her behavior & always tells me "she''s your mother, she loves you, we will always try to make her feel comfortable because she''s important". He finally said to me the other day..."I think you are right...I tried to work with your mother for years & I finally had to just leave. I could never win, sounds like you are fighting that same losing battle & it makes me really sad to see this happen to you".
Oh...and my son is not allowed to call his wife gramma, even though to us, she is one. Shoot. The world is a hard place...what is one more loving face/soft lap to land for my kid? I grew up with no grandparents around (only one living was my mom''s mom & I saw her only rarely) so I figure the more people who love him ( and my unborn daughter) the better. Plus my stepmom is there for me. She''s retired. If I get into a pickle and need help watching my son, she''ll drop everything and run over here and help out. My son is the 1st kid & she loves him. He loves her...Why do I have to tell her she can''t be a part of his life?
Its just sad.
Thanks for letting me vent...its just really hard & has been a battle I''ve fought my whole life. I''d hoped my having a baby would make her so happy/mellow her out but no luck. I guess its like folks who think having a baby will save a marriage...it never does, it just highlights the real problems. I have my own children to protect now, and I am just mourning the loss of the hope I had that she''d come around.
ok...enough...that''s my "fun" I get to deal with.
Diver
I wish I could just do that with my mom...problem is...she''s an emotional blackmailer & manipulator. She''s been putting me inbetween her & my dad since the divorce when I was 8. ("Call your father & tell him if he wants to see you he''d better bring the child support check") (fwiw, he always paid...he was no deadbeat & always there for me) So much garbage that I chose to let go of as an adult...
Ever since my wedding, there have been numerous occasions where we have to have everyone in the same room. (showers, rehearsal dinners, college graduations, baby showers, birth of my son at hospital, baptismal, first birthday, second bday, etc.) My mom tells me if my dad''s wife "has any decency, that woman would not show her face" at any of these things.
Real quick...my dad met my stepmom like.. 15 years after he divorced my mom, so its not like she''s the other woman or this is new or anything. She''s nice to me, my dad loves her, I get along with them fabulously. My stepmom does not try to be my mom, she has her own kids, but she & I are friends, so in my mind, its a good thing. I mean, if you have to have a stepfamily, isn''t it better to LIKE them?
So everytime we have a "function",my mom tosses a fit. Says my son is going to think my stepmom is his "real" gramma. I try to explain to her that there is enough love in his heart to go around & when he''s older, he''ll understand, but she just needs to be herself & he''ll love her more than she can ever imagine & not to worry about it. but she won''t hear it, says I treat her like a dog, and no other granparent in the world has to deal with this. She''ll call the house or my cell 35 times (my dh has counted---it really started getting psycho/scary) screaming at me. Screaming. She''ll finally show up, and act very nice & even hug my stepmom. By that time my nerves are shot.
Then for weeks afterwards I get the "you don''t know what those people have done to me" lecture. I tell her I dont'' want to be in the middle but she won''t listen.
I can''t get into it without getting really long winded/upset, but she started using my son to manipulate situations over the last year. She''ll do things to him to annoy me (have him for the weekend & not make him nap-go to bed early, not change his diaper for 12 hours straight so when I pick him up his dipe is down his pants & he''s covered in urine just to name a few) and that have the potential to make him very confused once he gets older. I started to worry about his well being with her.
Without putting it like that, I tried to have a civilized conversation with her, asking her to work WITH me on his schedule, etc when she has him, trying to empower her as part of "our" team etc...but she''d have no part of it. She lights into the whole business with my dad/stepmom (which has nothing to do with her but she''s obsessed with) and tells me I treat her like doo-doo. If I knew what ''those people" did to her, then I''d see things her way. Honestly, everyone has been nice to her.
Truth is, she''s kind of crazy. She''s never been "all there" and I''ve spent my entire teens/20''s/and the last 6 years of my 30''s trying to get along & work with her & quite frankly, I''m done. I''ve forgiven her for physically abusing me as a child (i have scars from the stitches) and I tried to give her the benefit of a doubt & look for the good in her. But I have come to the realization that if I don''t set boundaries with her she''ll continue to pull her crazy act & while I''m old enough to understand that she just is the way she is, my children do not need to be in the middle of it. I spent my life in the middle & it was horrible.
She can be part of our lives, but she is going to have to work very hard & it will take a long time to earn our trust. I have to be honest, I doubt she can do it.
I''m just really sad because I never had one of those "moms" that you felt close to. The worst part was, when she was good, she was actually pretty great, so it was like getting the rug ripped out from underneath you again & again when she''d "go bad on us". My brother finally quit speaking to her a few years ago because he''d had enough. Her own brothers & sisters won''t talk to her either...its a very dysfunctional family.
I appreciate your telling me about what you went through, and I agree, sometimes you just have to stick around and fight the good fight. But when you aren''t dealing with someone with the ability to forgive (she''s got a sick obsession that drives her behavior) sometimes you have to protect yourself & your family by putting up some serious boundaries. It just saddens me deeply because I just want to have a mom who loves me enough to let go of her fixation long enough to just be with my family. I know its hard for her to have to see my dad & his wife, and I always tell her she''s welcome to stay home if for any reason its too much for her & we will totally understand, but the fits & drama are not acceptable. I can''t spend my whole life having 2 versions of every function for each of my children. I already do 2 version of xmas/turkey day because even I know they shouldn''t have to see each other then....but I can''t make the schools do 2 graduations, or the church do 2 baptisms, I''m not throwing 2 birthday parties..etc....
It just really hurts because she''s cutting off her nose to spite her face & nothing I''ve ever said or done has changed that. I always wind up being the traitor in her eyes & can never win. If I want to cut my dad out (but she''s go to her grave telling me that she respects my relationship with my dad --however her action say exactly the opposite) and make his wife stay home from everything, then she''ll come around. I''m not willing to do that to the man who treats me with respect, love, and the utmost of compassion. My dad is even cheering for my mom & she doesn''t know it. He tries to rationalize her behavior & always tells me "she''s your mother, she loves you, we will always try to make her feel comfortable because she''s important". He finally said to me the other day..."I think you are right...I tried to work with your mother for years & I finally had to just leave. I could never win, sounds like you are fighting that same losing battle & it makes me really sad to see this happen to you".
Oh...and my son is not allowed to call his wife gramma, even though to us, she is one. Shoot. The world is a hard place...what is one more loving face/soft lap to land for my kid? I grew up with no grandparents around (only one living was my mom''s mom & I saw her only rarely) so I figure the more people who love him ( and my unborn daughter) the better. Plus my stepmom is there for me. She''s retired. If I get into a pickle and need help watching my son, she''ll drop everything and run over here and help out. My son is the 1st kid & she loves him. He loves her...Why do I have to tell her she can''t be a part of his life?
Its just sad.
Thanks for letting me vent...its just really hard & has been a battle I''ve fought my whole life. I''d hoped my having a baby would make her so happy/mellow her out but no luck. I guess its like folks who think having a baby will save a marriage...it never does, it just highlights the real problems. I have my own children to protect now, and I am just mourning the loss of the hope I had that she''d come around.
ok...enough...that''s my "fun" I get to deal with.
Diver
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