SAHM getting picked on

[vespergirl]

Hey ladies, I guess I just wanted to vent to some of the other moms on here ...

I''ve been staying at home with my son since he was born in November 2006. Before that, I was a successful, well-paid law firm marketing manager. However, both my husband & I were raised by SAHMs, so we decided that I would stay home while our children are still young, and I would go back to work once the youngest is in full-day school. Considering the price of nannies in our area, it basically would cost almost as much as the salary I would be bringing home, so since I wanted to stay home with my little guy for his first couple of years, that was my choice. My husband is blessed with a secure job & good salary, so it''s not putting our family in any type of financial hardship to do so.

My problem is with my new neighbors. We moved into a single-family house in a new neighborhood about two months before my son was born. The other nieghborhood moms (who are all working professionals) were initially very warm & friendly to me, but when they found out that I was going to stay home with my son, the relationships cooled and the invitations to weekend playgroups and gatherings dropped off. Whenever we do run into people or end up hanging out at a block party, I end up fielding questions like, "Aren''t you going out of your mind with boredom at home?" (uh, no - I enjoy my son''s company) or general disbelief that I hadn''t "had enough orf the drudgery yet" and surprise that I didn''t return to work after his first birthday. Several have suggested that I was losing my job skills, and would be unhirable if I end up staying at home for 5 or 6 years as planned.

I don''t understand why it''s acceptable for me to have to answer these rude questions with a smile on my face - since when did it become socially acceptable to pick on women who choose to off-ramp for a couple of years? I got really tired of it this weekend at a block meeting after the third woman came at me with the same round of questions & snide comments, and it was all I could do to not shoot back with a scathing question myself, like, "How does it feel to hand off your baby to strangers 10 hours a day - personally fulfilling?" I know that that sort of rude comment would get me socially ostracized, but it''s fair game to pick on the SAHM moms, I guess.

BTW, I don''t have any problem at all with moms who work outside the home - I just think that we should get to choose what''s best for our own families without getting critizcized for it. Do any of you other SAHM moms get the same crap from your working mom friends or neighbors? How about you working moms - getting equivalent garbage from SAHMs in your community? How do you guys deal with these rude & intrusive questions?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I''ve been a SAHM for seven and a half years and nobody, except my husband, has every complimented me on being home. My husband''s sister bluntly asked me, while giving me a dirty look, "so what exactly do you do all day long?" She''s never been nice to me. One time, years ago, she got drunk and admited she''d rather be a SAHM. That pretty much sums up WHY she''s so rude to me.

I''m the ONLY woman on my husband''s side of the family who doesn''t work. They don''t like me, talk bad about me loud enough so I can hear it, and look annoyed when hearing that I''m planning to do swimming lessons with my kids during the summer days. I try so hard to be nice even when I hear comments stating, "I cannot imagine not working," but doing so truely tests my nerves.

If working women are being rude to you, then why not find SAHM mother''s groups and summer programs where parents are involved.

 

[Elmorton]

Vesper, while I'm not a mom (nor do I plan to be a SAHM), your post is something I think about a lot.

I grew up in a small community where the trend was actually that SAHMs were more prevalent than working ones (as did my DH). I grew up with my mom being sometimes very frustrated - for example, she didn't have the time or the know-how to create the amazing home-made Halloween costumes that my friends had or have the time to not only bake treats for my entire class on my birthday but also personally bring them in (like it seemed everyone else's mom did). So, basically, I grew up hearing my mom's retaliation that "SAHMs watch soap operas and eat bon-bons while the rest of us have real jobs."

As an adult, I know that feelings like that aren't healthy nor do they help women. And, as a college student, one of my sociology professors made us "balance a budget for 2 working class parents and 2 children" - and every last one of us in our class made the decision for one parent to stay at home since the cost of childcare is insane. There are times where I think about the future and I'm absolutely petrified because I don't know if my husband and I will be able to afford the type of childcare that I'd like my children to have (and know that I could provide myself). From that perspective, I completely understand why parents (both men and women) decide that one wage-earner should stay at home. Also, I understand what it means to keep up a home. This semester, I've been working part-time and so the burden of taking care of our home (just the two of us) typically comes down on me, since I have the majority of the time. Sometimes, I'm just exhausted - it's hard to be the one that is supposed to put meals on the table, make sure everything is clean, the laundry is done, etc. And, for the record, I can't stand it. While I love my home, I feel like I need to get out of it at the end of the day and resent how DH wants to just be home when he comes home from work. Being a SAHM is not something I could do. I really miss working full-time. Some of us are just programmed differently, I think.

But, I can't help but know that I'll feel a little snide when we have children and some our childrens' peers have parents who stay at home. I know that I won't be able to compete with halloween costumes (although my kids are soooo getting cupcakes sent with them for their birthdays!), but I will be proud of what I do for my family and those I help via by career. Recently, our local paper ran a really interesting article about a woman who figured out what her "worth" was as a stay-at-home parent. She totaled everything up, from child-care-provider, in-home chef, house-keeper, etc, and came up with the number of 36k plus per year. I believe it, she does earn all that! But the frustration will always remain that moms who hold down full-time jobs outside of the home hold their job PLUS about 20k of "mom" responsibilities - that's where all that snideness comes from. It's regret, frustration, and a lot of it is competition. It's one thing to be competetive in your job, but as women, I think we're most afraid of being a "bad mom." SAHMs ARE threatening because they aren't part-time and they have better hours - it's sortof the difference between being the CEO and the assistant.

So, while your neighbors are being ridiculous and cruel for ridiculing you for your decisions, and there is absolutely no excuse for their vindictive behavior, I can't say I'm surprised by what they've said or done. Until women earn the same wages as men, until men start staying home at the same rates of women, and until men are recognized with equal parenting rights and responsibilities by our courts (thus changing the expectations/roles of women in our culture)...I think this battle will just continue to rage on.

Kudos to you though for doing what is right for you and your family and for being the better person and not lashing back to your evil neighbors. I promise you, they're just jealous about cupcakes and halloween costumes.

 

[swingirl]

Aww. I''m sorry you are getting treated badly. Ask any kid whose had both and I bet 100% of them would rather be home with their moms than with a bunch of strangers. Even when they are in high school they still want to come home to mom and talk about their day. Those women are jealous and rude. You need to find a mother''s club where you can associate with other professional women who have made the same choice as you.

 

[sunnyd]

Ick. You could phrase a retaliation like "You know, that''s like me asking you how it feels dropping your kid off with strangers for 10 hours a day" like you were thinking. They see how rude it is, but it''s not so evil. I don''t know. I can''t believe people keep getting more and more rude...

 

[Mandarine]

I am not a mom, but will love to be a SAHM one day!....it''s almost like my dream job..lol...DH knows it and if it''s whitn our means is what we will do once we decide to have kids. Everyone is different and it really is nobody''s business what you do or not do. Don''t let that bother you, those ladies don''t seem that much fun any way if that''s how they act at get togethers!

You are not going around asking them why they decided to go back to work...some people just feel entitles to ask personal questions and when someone makes a decision different than what they would have chosen they feel they have a right to tell the other person they''re wrong. So don''t listen to the, enjoy your son and let them think whatever they want to think!!

M~

 

[steph72276]

Hi, Vesper. I too am a SAHM and do get the same kind of comments like...aren''t you going out of your mind? or aren''t you bored all day? Um, no I''m not bored and if they had ever been at home with a 3 year old boy all day, they would see that there is always something going on. I used to be a teacher, but by the time we would pay someone to watch my son all day, I would basically be working for free. I plan to go back when he''s in school full time, but for now, I am just enjoying the memories we are making together each and every day. I wouldn''t worry about the neighbors, I''m sure they are just jealous that you have that choice. There is no other explanation for their rudeness. Just smile, so they don''t think they got to you and come vent to us!

 

[vespergirl]

Thanks you guys, you are the best. Sometimes when everybody is ganging up on you it''s just hard to take a step back & realize that I just shouldn''t take it personally. MC, thanks for your suggestion about a SAHM group. I actually did make one friend at our neighborhood pool - our sons are the same age, so it is really nice to have someone else who is going through the same experiences at the same times.

I think it''s been a little hard for me also, because of our crowd of friends, even though we''re in our 30s, we''re the first ones to get married & have kids. So, all of our old friends, even though they make an effort to do things with us, it''s not like any of them have kids, so it''s hard to talk to them about it, or we can''t get together with them as frequently as we used to.

Some of you guys made a good point about taking what the other women say with a grain of salt - I actually didn''t mention, but their kids all go to the same day care center with the same teachers, and they''ve also known each other for years & have a lot in common, do birthday parties together, etc. Maybe they thought that I''d join that crowd when we moved in the neighborhood, but sometimes it''s hard to break in to a group of already-established friends.

I guess that the point is that sometimes the grass can seem greener on the other side - maybe they will make a snide comment here & there because I spend lots of time with my little guy, but there are definitely days when I wish I was actually putting on a dress and makeup instead of sweatpants, so I guess we all envy what we don''t have from time to time

 

[NewEnglandLady]

In all honesty, I feel that non-SAHMs sometimes feel guilt over their decision to work outside the home and it can make them overly critical of SAHMs.

I know that might sound harsh, but I only say that because I already struggle with it and I''m not even a mom yet. Like Elmorton said, I grew up in a predominately SAHM rural community and my mother would always have to "keep up" with the craftier moms for halloween, school plays, bake sales, etc. I have always been very matter-of-fact with DH about my decision to be a working mother--even if my entire salary goes to an au pair, I''d consider that a fair trade. It''s more likely, however, that DH will stay home. He does make significantly more than I do, but we can live comfortably on my salary and for me it''s the best of both worlds: one parent gets to stay home and it doesn''t need to be me.

Still, I already feel guilt about not being the mom who stays home with her young child. Like I''m lacking a maternal instinct--and when talking to my friends/coworkers who work and have young kids, they feel the same way. Sometimes I think they envy the feeling of wanting to stay home with their children all day, they feel guilty about not having that urge.

Anyway, my point is that it''s fantastic when a mother makes the (often difficult) decision to stay at home for several years and that any negative comment almost always comes from the other person''s own insecurities. When it comes to parenting, women are understandably sensitive, so women who work outside tend to feel that SAHMs are criticizing them for not prioritizing their children over their work, and SAHMs often feel working moms are critical of them for not trying to "have it all". The bottom line, though, is that you are a fantastic mother, Vesper, and you and your husband have figured out a solution that works for your family. If I were you, I''d forget the neighbors and befriend the nannies!

 

[neatfreak]

They are ridiculous and stupid. Period. If they knew anything about economics at all SAHM''s are actually VERY productive and add a lot to society. Not to mention whether they have actually seen how much they are taking home after they pay for daycare.

I think working moms are great as long as that is what you want. I also think SAHM''s are great as long as it is personally fulfilling. I DON''T think it is anyone''s right to judge you for your choice.

Just know that they are very narrow minded. And big HUGS to you!

 

[krisvrn]

Ignore the rude comments by the other mom''s. I sense some jealousy here. Enjoy your time with your child.

 

[lyra]

I''ve been a SAHM for 20 years. I still get rude remarks. I still get asked where I work, where I''m employed, etc. When I say "I don''t work", that feels like a vast understatement too. So I guess nothing has changed in 20 years then. You have to do what is right for you and your family regardless of what anyone else thinks. I never had a real career, so it''s not like I left anything big, or wasted years of schooling or whatnot. I wouldn''t use that against anyone either. You always do what''s in your kids best interest, even if it means sacrificing material things for years on end. Good luck!

 

[CrookedRock]

I''m not a mother yet, but I just wanted to chime in... My mother was a SAHM and I can tell you that it isn''t as easy as it seems. And I actually think it gets harder the older the kids get bc they become more involved with friends, sports, etc... and with that comes responsibility for Mom to make sure the kids have uniforms for their sport, rides to their friends houses, picked up from the movies, etc... The list could go on and on! My Mom even got to the point when My brother and I were 12 and 10 that she was spread so thin that she hired a live in nanny.
I would love to be a SAHM in the future and my bf and I agree on this, thankfully! But I know that it is not a walk in the park. It is probably harder to stay home than it is to go to work!
So to all of you SAHM''s....

You really do desere more credit than you get! Vesper, please ignore these ignorant women, what you are doing for your son by not handing him off to someone else (bc you are fortunate not to have to...and I do know women who don''t have to work but still hand their children off everyday!) is something that he will be thankful for down the road...Nothing can replace this time in his life... enjoy it!!
**)))off to call Mom and thank her!!(((**

 

[purpleshirt]

I know how you feel all too well! I stayed at home for just over 2 years before I decided to go back to grad school. I got comments like you had to endure from people when I stayed at home. Then when I decided to go back to school, I got the opposite comments about my decision to leave my kids....

So, if it makes you feel any better, you''d be comments even if you decided to work. I really don''t understand why people can''t understand we''re all just doing what''s best for our families

 

[Allisonfaye]

This is easy. They are jealous.

But I also agree with your theory about them being already established friends. I have had the same issue with the women in my area. They never invite me to girls night out. One lady did once the day of and it was not possible but I would have liked to have been asked again. Long story.

 

[icekid]

Seriously, people need to keep their ridiculous judgmental opinions to themselves. You should not feel badly for staying at home with your child. Just like women should not feel badly for working either, and "handing their baby off to a stranger." Each family needs to weigh their options and do what is best for them. It seems no matter what a woman chooses to do, she will be looked down on by one faction or the other. I do think that perhaps some of these women feel jealous that you are able to stay home.

Heck, I am a little jealous that you can stay home! Given the amount of time, money, and effort that has been invested in my career, this will never even be an option for me. I don't think I'm cut out to stay at home anyway, but still. Part-time maybe? Of course, part time in medicine will be 45 hours/week hehe. Anyway, my mom worked most of the time when I was growing up and I turned out fine. I truly never felt I was missing out on anything and certainly never thought my mom had abandoned me to strangers.

Date: 4/14/2008 4:15:28 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I'm not a mother yet, but I just wanted to chime in... My mother was a SAHM and I can tell you that it isn't as easy as it seems. And I actually think it gets harder the older the kids get bc they become more involved with friends, sports, etc... and with that comes responsibility for Mom to make sure the kids have uniforms for their sport, rides to their friends houses, picked up from the movies, etc... The list could go on and on! My Mom even got to the point when My brother and I were 12 and 10 that she was spread so thin that she hired a live in nanny.

I think maybe a bit of the animosity here is that working moms feel they do most of the same things as those who stay at home, in addition to working. In my family, we had two competitive figure skaters and two hockey players (not to mention baseball, soccer, etc). So we were each on the ice at least 5 times/ week, and only my sis and I had the same home rink. My dad was often out of town for work. So it often fell to my mom to drive all over town, daily. No help; her life truly revolved around taking us where we needed to be when she was not working. Occasionally she even found the time to do some cleaning

 

[D2B]

I am a SAHM (was a full on career woman once upon a time

) and have had periods of doubt about my choice. However, overall it has been the best for us and our family. I tried the part-time thing for a while, ended up sick, stretched to near breaking point, achieving neither well and financially was only marginally better off. we are lucky to be able to have the choice for me to be a SAHM.

I think the key to my survival and enjoyment has been moving to a well off area in the UK, where there are a lot of SAHM''s (some who had busy careers and others who hadnt). For me it has meant that there has been a lot of other mums to meet, who have made the same choice I made and who at times will moan about it, but overall we are all happy with our decision and go along to make the best of each moment we have. Without the other mums and lots of activities and support I would have gone crazy. I have to remind myself that there will be plenty of time to work soon enough, and that for us this works, just as for others not to be a SAHM might be the best.

I honestly think that the only ones who are negative to you, are the ones who wish they had the choice to be a SAHM and cant (be it financial or pressure from husband/family/peers to work). A truly contented SAHM or working mum will not care one way or another about your choices as long as your family and children are happy and cared for.

Enjoy the time, they grow up so fast (cliche I know, but so true)

D2B

 

[anchor31]

First, I want to give a big standing ovation to the SAHMs here...

What you do is wonderful, don''t let other people tell you otherwise.

My mother was a SAHM until my sister and I started school. I''d love to stay home with my children until the youngest goes to school one day, but it may not be possible... We''ll see. If it''s not possible, I''ll look for a part-time job so I can at least stay home a day or two a week! Having a mother at home was wonderful for me and I''d like to give that to my children.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree that they''re just acting on their own jealousy and insecurity. They feel like, deep down, they aren''t good mothers because they work.

If you still care to go to these functions (I don''t know if I would!), I think the best thing you can do is to come up with a one-size-fits-all phrase that will shut them up. "That''s my choice, and I''m happy." Or just gush about how wonderful being a SAHM is until they get nauseated and run away. But don''t be a sounding board for their pathetic attempts to make themselves feel better about their choice.

I''ve been getting crap like this at work from female coworkers about losing weight. I went from the high end of the normal range of BMI to the low range, but I am a small-boned, flat-chested person (flat-chested before I lost weight too!). No real friends or family think I am unhealthy, and I''ve made a point to ask pointedly since this one woman at work won''t let it go.

Mainly this one retired teacher who is a permanent sub makes these ridiculous snide comments constantly. "You know you got sick because you lost too much weight, right?" (Strep is caused by weight loss??!?) "Wow, look at those pants. You''ve really lost too much weight." My plan is to shoot her down the next time she says it. I''ve been polite long enough.

My theory is that the people who say things like this feel bad about themselves when we do something that they want to do/feel they should do but haven''t done.

 

[Miranda]

You''ve been given loads of good advice here. I''ve been a SAHM for nearly 14 years. For the most part I''ve had tremendous support from family and friends. Most of my neighbors stay home, too, so for me I never have felt like an alien for making this choice. I think the running theme I''m hearing from all of these posts is jealousy. I have to agree. I think a lot of people feel bad that they aren''t willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be a SAHM. Because, make no mistake, there are sacrifices. I made a clear choice as a child of two parents who worked constantly that if I chose to have kids I would not work. I would make any and every sacrifice to do so. I wanted to be the one with them every single day when they were infants. I didn''t want to miss a ''first'' anything. I wanted to be the one home with them in the afternoon after school helping them with their homework. And now, as I have a son approaching high school, I sure as heck want to be sure I know where he is at all times and that he is making the right choices. I want to be at all of their practices and games and I want to feel proud that I am helping them to grow into successful people. I am positive that no matter how exceptional the childcare there is NO substitute for me in my kids'' lives. Nobody cares like mom and dad do IMO. To me that is worth every sacrifice. That''s why I stay home. I am sure you feel the same. It is nothing you should feel bad about EVER!

It all boils down to choices in life. We have choices every step of the way. This may be slightly off topic as I got a bitter email from a ''friend'' today and I''m on a bit of a roll. I really think people should live their lives based on what is right and what feels good to them. Envy is a terrible thing and can destroy relationships. I think everyone should make choices in life to reflect who YOU are and who YOU want to be. And make no apologies for it! If people want to work...Good for them. If they wish to stay home...Great. I do not understand why some people stand around judging other people because they make a different choice. The right choice for one may not be the right choice for all.

I really can''t understand why your neighbors would think it was ok to ask you intrusive questions like that. How insanely rude. heehee I had to chuckle at the question you think of shooting off. "How does it feel to hand off your baby to strangers 10 hours a day - personally fulfilling?" Maybe they wouldn''t perceive it as rude if they think it is fine to ask you questions equally as rude.

Sorry for the rant, but, SAHM/lifestyle bashing is touchy for me today.

 

[diamondfan]

Sour grapes.

I am not saying all of the working moms want to be at home with their kids, some moms cannot handle it or do not want to.

But I guess seeing that you had a great career and chose to stay, and can, and enjoy it, just pushes their buttons.

How rude some people can be. I totally would have replied back about day care. What a snarky witch and what is the point?

I am so sorry.

You likely do the job of ten people. And I am not putting down anyone who loves their career and is fulfilled by it and wants to be working outside the home. I think while you do not get those years back with your kids, not everyone is suited to it. And while some kids do well no matter what, we all know kids who would have likely done better if mom had been around more in those critical years. Maybe some of those moms know that and are being snarky because they know your kid is getting something their kid is not. Anyway, my basic point here (and I have one) is people should live and let live. You are blessed to be at home and that is your pleasure, business and choice. Period.

 

[Girlrocks]

I''ve been a SAHM for 8 years. For the first 3 years or so, all of the other moms around me worked, and I got the same crap as you. Then it seemed like all of those moms moved, and now there are younger (younger than me even) working moms have moved in around me and from them, I usually get the genuine "I''m so jealous, I wish I could stay home". But I think that''s just because they''re new to the neighborhood and I''ve been here the longest.

They are jealous. I have 1 good friend who swears she could not stand to be home with her kids all day because they would drive her crazy. She is very career driven. For her, I think she truly would HATE to be a SAHM. But from everyone else, I feel it''s jealousy. Especially when we are still doing the same things they are...taking the kids to Disney, new(er) car, vacations, etc.

 

[movie zombie]

i admire you for your decision to be at home with your son. and i actually think you should fire off one of those comments.

movie zombie

 

[VegasAngel]

They are jealous

I wouldnt want to hangout with women like that.
meetup.com is a good website to find playgroups/groups of various interests.

 

[Haven]

I''m so sorry to hear that people are mistreating you like that. I know I always say this in response to these types of things, but these peoples'' rude comments say far more about THEM than they say about YOU.

I personally think it''s wonderful that you''re staying at home to raise your child, and I can''t imagine why anyone would want to do anything else with their time. In my mind, I don''t care what you do in your career, it cannot be more personally fulfilling or make a greater contribution to our world than raising a healthy, happy child. I just don''t think that''s possible.

Be proud of yourself and of your family. Let those unhappy people say what they want, and respond with a smile because you know that you''re living the life that is right for you, and that''s why you CAN smile, and they can do nothing but sling nasty comments your way.

 

[Blair138]

You have my dream job...by the time I have kids I will probably have my Master''s degree (teacher) and I know that ultimately I want to stay at home. I think if you can do it, you should. My mom was a SAHM and I want my kids to be able to experience all the things I got to. Those people who are mean to you are jealous. They probably wish they could do the same thing and talk about you because that''s what rude people do. Next time, tell them to mind their own dang business

 

[Kaleigh]

I wouldn't hang with those women, they are jealous. You said most if them work, so having you be a SAHM is like a threat to them? I agree on finding a SAHM group in your area. I'm glad you have a good friend in the neighborhood that is also a SAHM. I am a SAHM although the kids are older. I worked when they were young, but felt I was missing out so quit my job to stay home with them. I really have to say it was the best thing I ever did. I was there for them no matter what. I have no regrets. You hold your head up high, what you are doing is the toughest job out there!!

 

[GoingCrazy]

I have been a SAHM now for since my son was born. I do work VERY part time just to have a little bit of cash and to have some adult conversation. (something besides 4 year old speak.)

The cost of daycare simply does not make sense for me to work full time at this moment. Now my son will be going to pre-k this year full time and if something comes along that looks inviting I might do it BUT IT HAS TO BE JUST RIGHT.

My mom was a SAHM and I am so glad that she was. She did work when we got into h.s., but now that she''s passed away some of my greatest memories are of her being with me during my early years. Volunteering in my class or going on field trips and things like that and I want my son to have that same experience.

I think each person has to do what is ultimateley best for their own family.

 

[GoingCrazy]

I also do think those women are extremely jealous.

Being a SAHM mom is not as easy as one thinks, do you have days you would rather be working and getting paid for your time? Yeah sure.
For example, like when your child will not listen to a word that comes out of your mouth, or you''ve been asked for the BILLIONTH time why this toy will not work when you''ve already explained it until you are blue, or when they decided the walls would be great to test that new red crayon on, or when you are covered in stuff that should only be found growing on a dish in a laboratory from being puked, pooped and peed on when they decide orange nail polish looks great on the carpet.

Yes, on those days I would rather be getting paid, but who wouldn''t.
Being a mother is the hardest job on the planet, but the smiles on your kids faces and seeing them healthy and happy is the ultimate pay.

 

[somethingshiny]

I get this same line of harassment, too.

My response is this: "I will never regret having stayed home with my son."