sad mixed feelings about ring

[navel_gazer]

Hello - I'm afraid nobody will understand my worry but here goes (deep breath)... I do not love my engagement ring. I SO want to. But I find myself looking at it and feeling mixed.
My boyfriend put so much effort into choosing the ring and planning the proposal. Everything was so sweet and lovely. The ring is lovely. If it weren't mine, I would think it was lovely. But I don't love it. I just like it. Which I confess is disappointing.

Don't get me wrong. This is a quality piece, a very nice diamond in a very nice setting. Its valuable. But it just doesn't make me feel sure, certain. It doesn't "speak" to me. It makes me feel mixed and actually a bit sad, because I feel guilty for not loving it. Apart from a watch and a string of pearls, I own no other jewelry. And I see my hands so much at work, that I am constantly reminded of these mixed feelings.

Fiance and I are close on an intellectual level but like many young men, he does not take a huge interest in women's jewelry - or fashion for that matter. His job is involved in the wider world of politics, and he simply sees jewelry as sparkly and indulgent. I know he is proud of the ring he chose for me, but he considers it a symbol of his efforts rather than a symbol of our love/my identity. Months prior to his proposal, I had dropped hints about styles I like but he evidently chose to surprise me with his own choice.

The traditional girl inside me is very grateful for his efforts and I think its good he demonstrated his own taste (very nice taste). But I read stories about ladies who chose their own engagement rings and I must admit I am wistful.

So. what to do? I have been trying to wear it and feel happy with it, but often I'm "forgetting" to wear it or spinning it round because I feel mixed about it. We're only a few months from the wedding and we recently went to the stores to look at wedding bands. That is when the e-ring really started to bother me, because the wedding bands that suit it are not really what I want either. Its all really nice but the style just isn't "me". The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. We've already had the e-ring re-sized, and the band slightly reshaped (I had really hoped this would help me like it more), but still I wear it with mixed feelings.

Its not only my fiance's feelings I'm worried about. I'm also worried about how his parents will judge me if I appear to be ungrateful for the ring. And my parents for that matter. It cost him a lot of money and he works so hard. It would really upset me to see this ring go to waste.

In desperation, I have been toying with the idea of wearing the engagement ring on my right hand or even on my little finger. Or I'm thinking after the wedding, I just won't wear the engagement ring any more - just wear a wedding band alone...And from then on choose my own jewelry. The engagement ring is a good quality, valuable piece with a nice diamond. I don't want to sell it because it would be so sad for my finace. But I don't know if I'll ever love it. Not the way so many ladies on this forum love theirs.

Please, I'm sorry for going on, but I really need to make a decision before we buy wedding bands and risk spending more of his hard-earned cash on something I'm mixed about. What do you advise me to do?

 

[sillyberry]

I'm so sorry you're not excited about your ring.

A bunch of questions for you...

Does he know you're not happy about it? Would he rather you have something he proposed with or something you loved (that isn't a trick question, I promise)? Would he be hurt if you just wore the wedding band and rather have had the chance to make it right?

Is it the stone or the setting you don't care for (or both)? Would you be happy to use the same stone in a different setting?

 

[navel_gazer]

Hi Sillyberry. Thanks for your questions. I was worried people might cast me aside as trivial and spoilt, but I do have good intentions at the heart of my worries.
Does he know you're not happy about it?
Hmmm. I think he has a fairly good idea that I'm not over the moon about the ring. As I say, we've had it resized and slightly reshaped already. The fact that I've quibbled over the shape, plus the fact I often "forget" to wear the ring... I'm pretty sure he knows. But when I do wear it and we're hugging, he always says how beautiful it is

Would he rather you have something he proposed with or something you loved (that isn't a trick question, I promise)?
There's a bit of history to our proposal in that we had been together a few years, and marriage naturally came up as a casual topic and it was discussed fairly openly. But then I think he wanted to redress this balance and became very protective about planning a proposal, in order to introduce a bit of tradition and romance - and play out the gender roles. Which I do like. So it all became smokes and mirrors; he wanted me to be surprised by everything. I was. The time, the place...the ring. He certainly wanted it that way.

Would he be hurt if you just wore the wedding band and rather have had the chance to make it right?
He would be seriously hurt if I chose never to wear the engagement ring. But ... I don't know this is a very difficult question actually. I'm very grateful you ask it. Um. I think he just really wants me to love it, because he does. As I say, he always comments how beautiful it is when I wear it. And last week at the shop, trying on bands he was going crazy over it --- he seriously loves this ring I think he put so much effort (and $$$) into it that the idea of starting over or buying a new ring is madness in his opinion. But he wants me to be happy, thats why he did it all in the first place. If you can imagine him: he's a really sweet, cute guy with his mind on other things and he thinks he tried his best and this job is over and done with. fair enough.

Is it the stone or the setting you don't care for (or both)? Would you be happy to use the same stone in a different setting?
At first it was the setting that bothered me. But the more I have contemplated my options, I find the stone presents problems for me too. Pretty bad huh. But yep, I guess I'm saying that I don't love either the stone or the setting. You've no idea what a relief it is to tell somebody this. I think the stone could work in a different sort of ring, a right-hand ring of some kind. Its a nice clear stone, a nice size. But on THAT wedding finger, it just erks me. As mad as it sounds, it makes me question the engagement! That must sound nuts but it makes me worry he doesn't know/understand me ... all this crazy worries are starting to erupt. Is this crazy?

Oh I'm sorry its so boring but I'd be so grateful for your feedbacK!

 

[decodelighted]

How would you feel if you picked out a car for him as an engagement gift, gave it to him, and, because it wasn't the very one he'd have chosen for HIMSELF, he starts questioning the wisdom of being engaged to you in the first place?

Do you want to marry this man?

I think you're seeing what you want to see around here. A bunch of women thrilled with rings they picked out themselves. If you read more closely you'll see women who were proposed to 20, 30, 40 years ago -- with tiny chips, or awful cuts, or now dated styles. Or you'll read countless tales of the "I don't really LOVE my ring" even if the gal in question picked out the darn thing THEMSELVES. There are few fairy tale stories that end up w/perfect ring bliss in a perfect surprise proposal w/a perfect guy resulting in a perfect union and perfect life.

LIKING the objectively *nice quality* ring ain't so very terrible. You might want to start examining your extremely high expectations because right now there's not much of a way for either of you to win or ultimately be very happy.

 

[ForteKitty]

i'm curious. what shape is the diamond, and what shape did you want? is it simply the shape or is it the cut? what kind of setting is it, and what kind of setting did you originally want?

 

[PavePrincess]

i'm curious. what shape is the diamond, and what shape did you want? is it simply the shape or is it the cut? what kind of setting is it, and what kind of setting did you originally want?

I was thinking the exact same thing.. Could we get a picture?? Or at least an idea of what you have and what you want??

I think a lot of the things you said in your initial post are very honest and I respect that. I think you may want to talk to your fiance though.. If this ring is making you question the very idea of being engaged to him then you need to either get a new ring, or get a new man (that's a joke).

That being said, had my fiance picked out MY ring all by himself, I would not have gotten my **dream ring**. In fact I KNOW the ring he would have picked out because he tried to persuade me that I wanted it.. This isn't because he doesn't "know" me or know my general style, but because there are SO MANY ENGAGEMENT RINGS to choose from and for whatever reason a particular setting "spoke" to him. Same thing probably happened with your man..

 

[navel_gazer]

Thank you for your response Decodelighted. I agree my expectations are perhaps unrealistic and childish. And its helpful to remember that my feelings about my engagement ring aren't unique. I think its sensible to question how my expectations about the ring may reflect on my feelings towards my marriage - whether I've got the right attitude etc.
Although I would point out that I do love my fiance a good deal and my reason for wanting to love the ring is because I want to wear it proudly and happily. It is symbolic. And I want to feel pleased with it. Will it be the end of the world if I'm not? No. But as I don't own much jewelry at all - certainly no other rings, I had hoped to wear an engagement ring with more excitement. There is a distinction between me loving my fiance and me loving the ring - I know that. Its foolish of me to question the engagement and I admit that is a crazy thing to say. But I am genuinely disappointed he didn't choose something more akin to my taste and style (we've been together for years) and I had hoped it would reflect his understanding of my taste a little better. But as I have seen mentioned many times on the forum - jewelry is a very personal thing and if he was choosing based on his taste, then he chose the 'right' one. In this case it was his choice and by accepting his proposal, I need to do away with whatever preference I might have had for a ring. Thats the nature of gift giving.

 

[navel_gazer]

Hi PavePrinces and Fortekitten, Thanks for your interest in my worries - which I'm feeling a bit embarrassed about now. But hey I'm just being honest so what can you do. Its not every day a gal opens up on an internet forum about fairly personal things... and I really welcome your interest in my little life! I can't post pic of the ring. Its a step cut (ascher), i believe 1.5carats in a white gold setting with some little round diamonds up the side. Its nice. I feel badly describing it as though its not nice because it is. But the metal doesn't suit my coloring very well; plus my only other jewelry piece is a watch and that is yellow gold - hey, maybe he hates my watch! What can I say, maybe I'll never be satisfied so I think I'm going to slink away as I've maybe made a fool of myself this afternoon...

 

[decodelighted]

If women were to select a husband based on their ability to select *jewelry* uniquely suited to their lady's existing tastes .... there'd be a lot of lonely ladies out there. I'm sorry you didn't realize how picky you were in advance and communicate that pickiness TO HIM & ask for what you wanted: to pick out your ring yourself.

FWIW, I don't think its odd to wear a white metal engagement set with a gold toned/ or gold watch. White metal is exceedingly popular these days in e-rings, mostly because it flatters the white of the diamond stone color -- & matches *it*. Versus, say, your earrings. As far as flattering your skin tone -- I don't know a straight man on earth that would discern this subtlety themseleves. You would LITERALLY have to say to them: I hate white metals of all kinds. Period. I just would never, ever, ever wear such a thing. It looks like A** on me for reasons you'll never understand or appreciate in any visual way at all. Just trust me. And obey.

You're not making a fool of yourself. Lots of gals come on here & have similar feelings. Some of us will try to help you keep things in perspective & realize that, in life, you have to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. Hopefully in advance. You can't expect people to please you or read your mind. Not even a potential mate. If they do from time to time ... great. Gravy. Not the main meal. Not the meat & potatoes.

And, BTW, I'm not sure why you aren't able to wear that ring he did get you WITH PRIDE. You might not LOVE it. But you can be PROUD of what he selected, in your honor, on his own. The physicality as well as the sentiment. If you can only take PRIDE in things you control 100% ... well, think about that some more hmmmm? BEFORE you wed.

 

[slg47]

yeah. I mean, I hate to say this, but this is EXACTLY why I picked out my own engagement ring...because I am very picky and while I think my FI would have chosen a perfectly lovely ring he would not have picked exactly what I wanted. Look, I'm sorry you don't love the ring...as I see it you have a few options

1) trade in the ring (does it have a trade in policy?) for something else

2) live with it even though you don't LOVE it (and maybe you can pick out an anniversary ring together 10 years down the road?)

3) never wear it.

Option 3 sounds like the worst to me because he will be really offended if you never wear it. I wouldn't question your FI's love/commitment-he clearly spent a lot of time picking it out and tried to get it right. White metals are really popular right now for engagement rings, it is possible he told the salesperson you wear a yellow gold watch but the salesperson told him that *most* people get white metals since as deco said it matches the diamond, plus lots of people mix metals nowadays?

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Navel Gazer,

Don't feel bad about not liking your ring. It happens more often than you'd think. I was trying to find old threads about this topic, (there have been several) but could only find one:
https://www.pricescope.com/communit...ate-my-proposal-and-my-engagement-ring.74521/

Maybe you could upgrade/change the setting for your anniversary?

Can we see pics of your ring?

 

[swingirl]

Why aren't you able to post photos of your ring? We'd like to see it.

Some people love asschers but they are not for everybody. They can look antiquish or contemporary depending on the setting but they aren't sparkly like a round and don't have a traditional "engagement ring" look. I understand your disappointment. I was picky too but made it clear to my future husband that I better do the picking out.

But looking at your ering shouldn't make you sad just because it's not your perfect choice. I would NOT suggested never wearing it, though, as that is sure to hurt you FI's feelings. I mean a 1.5ct of any shape can't be that bad! Unless you are willing to sell it or exchange it, I think you are going to have to accept your ering as a gesture and symbol of your engagement/marriage. Only you know how your FI would react to your honestly about the ring but from what you say, he's pretty proud of it.

I am guessing your FI was at a loss to guess your style since you don't own much jewelry. Most jewelers would steer a man towards the white metals as that's what's popular. Yellow gold was more popular in the 80s.

 

[KittyGolightly]

For what it's worth, your ring sounds just lovely, but I completely understand your disappointment. It sounds as though you cannot return the ring at this point since you've had it for some time and have altered it. I think if you are not going to talk to your fiance about the situation, the best you can do is suck it up and realize that this does not have to be the last piece of jewelry you ever get. If I were in your shoes, I would try to find a wedding band that went well with the e-ring. No sense taking up valuable finger real estate by transferring the piece you really don't like to your right hand. Leave that right hand for a ring that screams you.

Now look, you're getting married soon, right? Good news - brides need more jewelry than just their e-rings. Distract yourself and look for some earrings and a necklace that you love. And then as soon as the reasonable mourning period for your e-ring has passed, start looking for a ring to wear on your right hand.

 

[Amys Bling]

For what it's worth, your ring sounds just lovely, but I completely understand your disappointment. It sounds as though you cannot return the ring at this point since you've had it for some time and have altered it. I think if you are not going to talk to your fiance about the situation, the best you can do is suck it up and realize that this does not have to be the last piece of jewelry you ever get. If I were in your shoes, I would try to find a wedding band that went well with the e-ring. No sense taking up valuable finger real estate by transferring the piece you really don't like to your right hand. Leave that right hand for a ring that screams you.

Now look, you're getting married soon, right? Good news - brides need more jewelry than just their e-rings. Distract yourself and look for some earrings and a necklace that you love. And then as soon as the reasonable mourning period for your e-ring has passed, start looking for a ring to wear on your right hand.

Totally agree--- first of all- a 1.5ct asscher is LOVELY! I dont know if I would pick it for my Ering, but do love and appreciate that cut. He honestly probably went into the store- saw that stone- thought wow is it so beautiful and different! I understand though the disappointment- you want to be as much in love with the ring as you are with your man. It's not an easy thing to handle and I think more women than you know go through this....

Idea- I love the idea KittyGoLightly said- why not pick out your wedding band- I think go with what you LOVE- maybe a two tone band so that it goes with your white gold Ering, and you can bring in the yellow gold that you really love? and then focus on a stunning RHR for an anniversary! I am already planning out my 5 or 10 year anniversary right hand ring!

 

[yssie]

My 2c - talk to him. You're getting married.

In the years to come you're going to face much, much bigger issues together than the style of your engagement ring... so why not just *talk* to him? Tell him exactly what you would like, why you would like it, and that whilst you appreciate the thought that he put into the ring you'd like something in a different shape/style/colour/whatever... you are no more right or wrong for wanting something that you love than he is for wanting you to be happy with what he likes because he likes it. Yes, it'll be a difficult discussion, but like I said.. there are many, many more of these to come, on more difficult topics, and you frankly can't expect a happy marriage if you fear them so much you avoid that communication completely.

My very unromantic, unsentimental thought on this - it's a LOT of money to throw away on something you don't adore. And big ditto Deco - you have to ask for what you want, noone in the world can read your mind, not even your mate! More specifically, even if he had a very good idea of your general jewellery tastes, he likely would've been just as stumped in choosing your Ering because so many women do often prefer something very different to what they usually wear for that specific piece...

Communicate your feelings, and expect him to communicate his, instead of doing this dance 'round the elephant. It is a good precedent to set, if nothing else. And you've both learnt something about each other for next time.

 

[iota15]

My 2c - talk to him. You're getting married.

In the years to come you're going to face much, much bigger issues together than the style of your engagement ring... so why not just *talk* to him? Tell him exactly what you would like, why you would like it, and that whilst you appreciate the thought that he put into the ring you'd like something in a different shape/style/colour/whatever... you are no more right or wrong for wanting something that you love than he is for wanting you to be happy with what he likes because he likes it. Yes, it'll be a difficult discussion, but like I said.. there are many, many more of these to come, on more difficult topics, and you frankly can't expect a happy marriage if you fear them so much you avoid that communication completely.

My very unromantic, unsentimental thought on this - it's a LOT of money to throw away on something you don't adore. And big ditto Deco - you have to ask for what you want, noone in the world can read your mind, not even your mate! More specifically, even if he had a very good idea of your general jewellery tastes, he likely would've been just as stumped in choosing your engagement ring because so many women do often prefer something very different to what they usually wear for that specific piece...

Communicate your feelings, and expect him to communicate his, instead of doing this dance 'round the elephant. It is a good precedent to set, if nothing else. And you've both learnt something about each other for next time.

I second what Yssie said. Talk to him. Gently. Tell him you loved the proposal and the surprise and everything. You're just not that sure about the ring and it seems like too much money for something you don't love. If there's an upgrade policy, hopefully you can still take advantage of that now. If not, maybe suggest wearing the ring until a later anniversary or on a right hand after the wedding... or whatever else you can agree on.

But, I can also see the wisdom of keeping quiet on such a sentimal, symbolic piece for him. Only you know him, and hopefully what's best.

By the way, what were you hoping for instead? Can it be rectified (somewhat) by a setting change?

I would probably buy the wedding band that screamed the most to you - not what fits with the ring necessarily since you might wear it on its own. If he says, well, it doesn't seem to match the ering - just tell him the truth - somedays, you'll wear it alone. Every woman has less bling-ed out days.

 

[SB621]

My 2c - talk to him. You're getting married.

In the years to come you're going to face much, much bigger issues together than the style of your engagement ring... so why not just *talk* to him? Tell him exactly what you would like, why you would like it, and that whilst you appreciate the thought that he put into the ring you'd like something in a different shape/style/colour/whatever... you are no more right or wrong for wanting something that you love than he is for wanting you to be happy with what he likes because he likes it. Yes, it'll be a difficult discussion, but like I said.. there are many, many more of these to come, on more difficult topics, and you frankly can't expect a happy marriage if you fear them so much you avoid that communication completely.

My very unromantic, unsentimental thought on this - it's a LOT of money to throw away on something you don't adore. And big ditto Deco - you have to ask for what you want, noone in the world can read your mind, not even your mate! More specifically, even if he had a very good idea of your general jewellery tastes, he likely would've been just as stumped in choosing your engagement ring because so many women do often prefer something very different to what they usually wear for that specific piece...

Communicate your feelings, and expect him to communicate his, instead of doing this dance 'round the elephant. It is a good precedent to set, if nothing else. And you've both learnt something about each other for next time.

+1 for what Yssie said.

 

[Circe]

I agree with Yssie, too ... but I also understand how tough it can be to talk about jewelry with a man, just because it's so imbued with meaning.

My husband gave me my first piece of jewelry from him when we'd been dating less than a week ... most of it long distance. See, we'd been best friends for three years before that, and we got together right before he was scheduled to fly home across the ocean for a week. Over the course of the friendship, many was the time that he'd heard me grouse about the importance of jewelry - its significance, how big a deal it was for a partner to know your taste, the whole shebang. So, when he came back, he brought me a big book of local stories (my subject area) and some duty-free smokes (bad habit, I know), and a gold necklace, just because he knew it was important to me, and because he wanted me to know how he'd been thinking of me.

Is the necklace my style? ... well, no. Do I love it anyway? HELL, YES. Because he tried. I might not wear it every day like I do some of my other pieces, but the sentiment behind it is priceless. (And I will now be putting that necklace on, on principle.) The next time he bought me jewelry, we had to have a talk ... he'd tried to get me something in the Art Nouveau style I loved, and wound up with a sorta 80's looking swirly heart. He wandered in to find me staring at it, wondering if a sufficiently long chain could make it okay, and quickly figured out he hadn't gotten it quite right: when I explained the whole "it's a heart-shape" to him, he was probably more horrified than I was.

Since then, all the jewelry purchases have been made together. I sort of regret the lost "romance" of his picking things out for me ... but I adore the results. And, frankly, short of his magically becoming a jewelry person, it's hard to have both simultaneously. I figure that so long as we know we love one another, and enjoy our little tangible things, it's a good compromise - the latter doesn't signify the former, after all. At the end of the day, it's less important for a partner to know your taste, and more important that you just plain want one another to be happy - something that took the best relationship of my life to figure out.

One possible solution would be to pick a wedding band that you adore, and move the e-ring over to your right hand, which a lot of women do: you mention that you might like the ring, just on another finger. Another would be to keep shopping, find the band you love, and use that as the impetus for a talk about resetting the ring (if, of course, the center stone would suit you in a different setting). And, of course, the last would be to talk to him about your ideal, and see if it would be possible to find a solution that makes you both happy ....

My husband grins about my e-ring, too. Not out of a sense of personal satisfaction - we chose it together, and by "together," I mean, mostly me, since I'd be the one wearing it. But apparently, seeing the idiot look of glee on my face, even 4 years in, gives him a kick. Maybe your fiance will feel the same? The momentary "d'oh!" of not having gotten it completely right right off the bat might be tempered by the satisfaction of seeing you mesmerized by your absolute dream ring ....

 

[slg47]

But apparently, seeing the idiot look of glee on my face, even 4 years in, gives him a kick.

that's good, my FI thinks I stare at my ring too much

 

[Octavia]

Navelgazer, I've been in your shoes and, when I'm in a certain mood, probably could have written your post word-for-word. My DH picked out my ring without any input from me (I didn't even know he was doing it) and the only thing about it I would have picked out, if I had been asked, is that it's platinum. And I know what you mean about questioning the relationship, because for awhile I kept thinking, "if I'm gong to marry this guy, he should know me REALLY well, and obviously he doesn't even know me well enough to pick out a ring I like...so what does that mean for us?" In my mind, I knew I was seriously overthinking it and blowing it out of proportion, but in my heart, I wanted him to have picked out something so perfect, so me, that it just blew me away. And right or wrong, it kind of hurt that he hadn't listened enough, or bothered to put in enough effort, to do that.

As far as the "why don't you talk to him" sentiment, it's easy to say but hard to do. When he gave the ring to me, my DH said we could exchange it for something else if I didn't like it...but he really, really does like it. And I felt like he would be more hurt by that than I would by wearing the damn thing. It's just a piece of rock and metal, after all. In retrospect, I do think I should have said something because he does have a bad habit of doing things for me that he would want if he were in my place, but that aren't actually what I want. For example, he threw me a surprise birthday party...which is exactly what he would love for his own birthday, but I felt awkward and ended up resenting having to clean up after all the people he'd invited over to our house on my birthday. It probably would have been good to address that tendency earlier in our relationship rather than putting it off because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but that's not exactly about the ring in and of itself.

On the flip side...it did come out awhile ago that I wasn't crazy about my ring. DH was talking about one of his co-workers who had just gotten engaged, and apparently she was pretty vocal about disliking her ring. He ended up asking me how I felt about mine, and I did say that it wasn't what I ever would have chosen if he'd asked me about it but that it had grown on me over time. He was quite upset and kept saying for weeks (months?) afterward, "I'm sorry you don't like your ring." It was awful. I wished I'd kept my mouth shut. Yes, we're married, and we're capable of having difficult conversations, but there's also something to be said for picking and choosing battles. If it's super important to you, then the conversation is worth having, but if it's just going to lead to hard feelings, it doesn't do a lot of good. I know that even if I'd ended up getting a ring that was more "me" after that, it still would have had negative connotations because my DH would have been unhappy and consequently I couldn't have been completely happy. For other jewelry purchases, I have no problem speaking my mind, but there's just something different about the engagement ring for me.

I did (and do) wear my engagement ring all the time, and I just tried not to think about it. In the end, I got a wedding band I absolutely adore, and I really like my set now. I won't ever get rid of my original engagement ring, but I may get a different one at some point...we'll see. I've chosen to let it be for now and concentrate on getting some other pieces that make me happy; you might decide differently. I wish I was able to tell you that it will all work out fine, but IMO it's a situation where you're kind of screwed either way. I envy the ladies who have rings they loved from first sight and who don't have to balance their misgivings about a piece of jewelry against the feelings of another human being...

 

[yssie]

It would seem that in the end it comes down to sillyberry's very perceptive question:

Would he rather you have something he proposed with or something you loved (that isn't a trick question, I promise)?

And that question is not necessarily just about the engagement ring, and I think a man deserves the opportunity to consider it, and answer it from his perspective, and the only way for him to do that is if you (both) address the issue directly. The most we can do is guess what our DHs are thinking, how they will react - afterall, we are no more mind readers than they are. BUT we are often tuned in to our their feelings and emotions, so all actually addressing it likely ever truly does is bring to the forefront what both parties already know is simmering...

And that's an encompassing "it"

 

[junebug17]

Oh goodness yes, I think you should talk to him about it. I don't think you are being silly in the least. Here's what I think is silly - keeping a ring worth thousands of dollars in a jewelry box for the next, oh, say 40 years?; "forgetting" to wear your ring. The fact that you are planning on doing that makes me think you really dislike this ring. But I'm a practical sort, and not very sentimental about jewelry so you can judge my comments by that. If you think about it, this isn't really fair to your fi in the sense that this is a major investment, and you're already planning your life around not wearing it! It's a waste of good money. Yes, I understand that he may be hurt or offended, but I also think it's important that you get joy from your engagement ring. Again, I've been married for awhile and past the point of beating around the bush with the hubs. After so many years I've learned to speak my mind or I'll end up with jewelry I'll never wear, and that just doesn't make sense! so I apologize if my comments seem cold or unfeeling, but I just don't think not wearing your ring is a viable solution for the rest of your life. I don't know, I think honesty in a marriage is important and this is as good a place to start as any.

 

[Pandora II]

I don't think you are being silly. I also rarely wear jewellery and I wanted my ring to be something I loved not just something the man I love had chosen.

I told him explicitly not to buy me a ring as I wanted the fun of designing it with him and that is exactly what he did - proposed without the ring and we designed it together. He's practical and didn't want to spend $$$ on the wrong thing or have me unhappy. Now he is super-proud of my e-ring.

I think if your fiance knows you're unhappy that it might be a good idea to have a talk about it.

Just out of interest, what would you have chosen?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I agree with everyone else...you do need to talk.

First of all, because this man is going to be your husband, talking it out shouldn't really give you trepidation's. I mean really. If this is such a huge deal to you that you've so much as considered whether or not this guy is the one, not being able to discuss makes me really uneasy. I have always approached big "talks" with a simple motto, it's not what I say but rather, how I say it. So, take that to heart. If you're really kind about the whole thing, chances are he'll understand--he is, after all, a practical man.

Secondly, there must be happy middle. Keep the stone, get a new setting...keep the setting, get a new stone. It doesn't HAVE to be one or other...as a couple you can come together and make the situation agreeable for both of you. Obviously something about this ring drew him in, let him tell you what it was/is...and that's the part that stays.

Lastly, and I don't mean this to sound harsh...but...you need to remember, the man isn't the ring and the ring isn't the man. I was really taken back by you questioning your whole relationship over the ring. Chances are, and I'm dead serious about this, if your FI isn't a jewelry guy, the sales staff wherever he bought the ring guided him. He may have loved the setting or the cut of diamond, but I highly doubt he went in thinking "this is what she hates, so lets get that!!" Give the guy a break, please.

Good luck.

 

[Indylady]

If women were to select a husband based on their ability to select *jewelry* uniquely suited to their lady's existing tastes .... there'd be a lot of lonely ladies out there.

..yes. Do you think you might be getting the jitters and using your ring as a scape goat?

 

[Amys Bling]

I agree- you need to find out what your FI loves about that ring.... and think about maybe keeping that aspect.


Also- I am really curious as to what you really wanted in details- cut, color, clarity, size, and setting..... and exactly it was that you told him you liked.

Maybe- being a guy and not really diamond ring savy- he didn't understand what you wanted and misinterpreted it.... i.e. if you said, "I want a square stone on a thin ring... he might have seen an asscher and thought that is the square stone... and hey- that is a nice thin ring with diamonds in it..even better!" Who knows, maybe he misunderstood and thought he did great!

 

[vsc]

I just want to join the other ladies in saying that those feelings are common. Most of the girls around me who didn't design their ER quickly end up wearing mostly their band. I also concur with your feeling about the wedding ring that you wanted vs. the one that matches your ER- I don't have exactly the ER I would have picked, and while I like it alone, the discrepancy with my style really shows up when trying to find a matching wedding band.
Try to assess how romantic vs. practical he is - This is a touchy topic, and if he gets hurt about it, you run the risk that even if you pick something you really like, every time you look at it you'll remember how hurt he was and it might ruin it for you. Do you really want another ring? I sometimes had doubts about mine, but I realized that while I can admire other rings and objectively like them better, I can't imagine having another ER because that's the one he proposed with.
A suggestion I'd have is to try to design your dream ring (within a similar budget) and see if you can come up with something that you would absolutely, positively prefer and love over the one you have now. It might give you some insight about how you really feel about the one you have now.

 

[manderz]

Can I throw a random thought out there..... Do you maybe not love it based on the fact that you have almost no jewelry? What I like to look at is drastically different than what I like to wear, and that's even different from what looks good on my hands. I love the look of pave and white gold and super delicate settings, but it looks awful on my sausage fingers ( I wear a 6 1/2 but they look kinda pudgy).To be honest, I got so caught up in picking the diamond for my ring that I nearly forgot about the setting, until I had to make a super quick decision about it so we could get a great sale price. I'm still on the fence about it, but the fact that he bought it for me, as the symbol of the love we share, will always override any doubts I have about it. I love him, and maybe I can ask for a reset of a big anniversary. Our 10 year dating anniversary is coming up in a couple years anyhow!

 

[Circe]

Hey, Navel-Gazer - how're you doing? Feel better knowing how common these things can be?

 

[Laughinggravy0]

I'm with those saying you should talk this over.

Now, I have an idea which you might think is not at all how you'd want to handle it, but for me, this scenario would make it easier:
I'd say something like: 'I saw a programme/heard from a friend that talking through our hopes for our marriage with a priest/vicar/therapist can really be a good way to go into the all the wedding preparations and help us to clearly see what's important for each other 'cos sometimes that can get out of focus. So I'd really like to do that.'

Then go for a session with a third party, and when you are there, sharing and listening to what you both have to say about your hopes and thoughts, you an introduce one of your own. And that could be that you'd like to be consulted on major choices because if you don't have an input you fear that things might not pan out as you would hope....' and then that could flow into the example being the ring.

Because however you tell him, it will hurt him so I think, 'poisonally', I'd rather have an experienced third party who could step in and steer his thoughts away from feeling rejected. Or worrying that you are putting the emphasis on the 'wrong stuff'. And who, instead, would be able to see that this matters to you for a load of other reasons, not just because you want a new sparkly toy or because you doubt the guy.

I'd want someone on hand who could keep the conversation as rational as possible and take the heat out of it and let him see that you have the sort of character that wants things to be as you see them in your mind's eye. That's presumptuous of me since I don't know if that is the cause here, but the point still stands, something about you he doesn't know and needs to know because it is about who you are - you want to be involved in big choices rather than be surprised. That's a characteristic, and that he didn't involve you means he doesn't know that about you.

Also, just to add, me and my honey went to see a therapist that I had been seeing from time to time, quite early in our relationship when there was nothing remotely wrong. We go once a month or so to keep it that way. So getting into the habit of seeing an experienced, wise third party would, I suggest, be no bad thing anyhooo - cause you never know which 'little' thing is going to turn out to be the beanstalk. And an outsider sometimes can.

Just my two penny's worth - good luck, and do talk.