Sad and Nervous.

[kittybean]

My grandfather passed away today. He was a wonderful man, and he lived a long, very full life. It was hard for him at the end as he was very ill, but he passed peacefully in the company of his family. I am so sad that he is gone.

My family has planned the funeral for this weekend, and my aunt is turning it into this big "show," complete with me both giving a speech (not in my primary language) and playing the piano. I didn''t agree to do it; I was just informed I would be part of the program. She''s insisting that it be a three-day affair, and the funeral is being held in a big cathedral (not my grandparents'' church). Not really sure why. This is emphatically not what my grandfather would have wanted. I am so frustrated and sad and nervous. I''m not sure what to say, if anything.

I would love any support or advice you might have to offer.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

My aunt died this past summer, and I know how hard it is to try to make the people who were close with your grandfather feel better. I mean your mother and aunts and uncles. I hope you are strong through the whole thing and we are all behind you on PS!

huge hugs and you can do it!

 

[Lilac]

I''m so sorry for your family''s loss.

I wish I had some good advice, but I can really only offer *hugs* and support. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

 

[D&T]

I am so sorry for your loss

you''ll do fine, it should be more about the remembrance of him, not the "show" really. But as for saying anything maybe just ask if it would make you feel any better why she chose to do what she is doing? maybe it''ll help with closure?

 

[KimberlyH]

I am so sorry for your loss.

When my grandfather passed away there was no service, at his insistence; instead my mom''s family had a very strange gathering at the grave where we each put something in his mosoleum. No one said anything, so as to honor his request, but everyone felt a bit lost, particularly his wife of 60+ years (my grandmother), as we all felt it was necessary to find some way to say goodbye. It was then that I learned that funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living.

That being said, you get and need to choose how you want to grieve and say goodbye as well, and if that doesn''t include speaking and playing a piano piece that''s okay and you should inform whomever is in charge that you are not comfortable doing so.

My best to you and yours during this difficult time. It''s so hard to navigate, please, and respect everyones'' needs. I think sometimes during planning it''s easy to forget that others don''t grieve the way we might, and no way is right or wrong.

 

[Bia]

kittybean, I am sorry to hear about your grandfather''s passing

I sympathize with you...sometimes our family members do things we can''t begin to understand. I guess this is part of your aunts grieving process. Maybe she believes she is honoring her father by holding such a grand memorial/funeral?

Stay strong honey - we''re here for you and you''ll get through this.

(((hugs)))

 

[packrat]

Ohhh Kittybean I''m so sorry! Just wanted to let you know I''ll be thinking of you and your family!

 

[cindygenit]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Burberrygirl]

I''m very sorry, I know how you feel. I lost my grandpa earlier this year after over a decade of suffering from Alzheimer''s. My aunt also passed away at the age of 50 from cancer two months ago. I had to make a speech at my aunt''s funeral. I was extremely nervous, but it turned out okay and her family was so happy I did it. I was the only niece asked to make a speech so I didn''t have a choice. In the end I''m glad I did it, and I''m sure you''ll be fine. I''ve learned throughout this past year that everyone reacts very differently when someone dies. Maybe your aunt feels like a huge funeral is the appropriate tribute to your grandpa... just try and stay strong. I''m sure you''ll make an amazing speech, it probably means a lot to everyone that you''re even attempting to do it in another language. Try to stay positive, your grandpa is in a better place where he isn''t suffering anymore. I''m sending you big hugs!!!

 

[MishB]

I''m very sorry for your loss. Just keep in mind the idea that funerals are for those left behind, not for the deceased. Your grandfather is in heaven, he is far beyond anything that happens here on earth. It may not be the type of funeral you would have chosen, but hopefully it gives some comfort to your aunt and the rest of your family to honour him this way, they are basically saying he was a very big deal and deserves a ''big show''. Try to play your part in it to the very best of your ability, it won''t be easy but in the end you will be glad you did.

 

[Deelight]

I am so sorry kitty, *hugs* my condolences for your loss

 

[dani13]

I am very sorry for your loss, kb. Sending you lots of hugs, and praying for you and your family.

 

[wolftress]

I''m so sorry for your loss.

Sometimes people do strange things to deal with grief, but I''m sure it will be a beautiful memory of your grandfather. Just focus on all the memories and you will be fine.

*hugs*

 

[gemgirl]

kittybean, I''m so sorry for your loss. I know your heart is broken at losing your Grandfather. Try to remember good memories during this difficult time. Try to remember what would have really made him smile and hold on to that in your mind.

I''m afraid that if no one else in your family is voicing any opinion against your Aunt''s big plans, that you might really stand out if you said something about not wanting to speak or play the piano. It might be best, if you are alone in your feelings, to just remain quiet, gather up your strength and do what she''s asked of you. I know it might be uncomfortable, but families tend to remember these things for a long time.

We''ll all be thinking of you this weekend.

 

[tyty333]

I''m so sorry kittybean. Just dealing with his death must be hard enough much less the "big" show
that it is being turned into. I think when someone lives a long, fulfilled life that they need to be
remembered and celebrated for the person they were. I hope in time you will be able to remember
him with smile but I''m sure its just to difficult at this point.

If you''re truely not comfortable, tell your aunt you do not want to speak or play the piano (or both).
No one can insist that you do something that you are not comfortable with. Be prepared...she
may beg. Maybe you can volunteer to so something you are comfortable with.

{{{Hugs}}}

 

[joflier]

I''m so sorry for your loss. Perhaps throwing herself into planning a big affair is a way to help your aunt grieve? Everyone does things in their own way, and perhaps if it helps her get through, your grandpa would be ok with that. Your in my thoughts.

 

[Steel]

I am sorry for your and your families loss.

Please bear in mind we all deal with loss in our own way. Your Aunt may be dealing with the loss by keeping busy, and a three day extravaganza will take lots of planning, each day of which may allow her the opportunity to avoid her grief.

Try to turn the other cheek, if you can.

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m so sorry for your loss, Kittybean.

I have no advice, but I just wanted to give *hugs* and tell you I''m sorry that along with his passing, you''re put into an uncomfortable situation.

 

[AdiS]

I am so sorry for your loss kittybean, my condolences.

 

[tlh]

I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family in this difficult time.

grief makes people behave in strange ways... perhaps this is her way of being able to let him go - even if it isn''t what he would have wanted. Sometimes our hearts are filled with so much love for a person that it is beyond just what we can express in words... I just think that his passing was so hard for your aunt, that she can''t say goodbye in a quiet ceremony - but she has to make such a big to-do about it... because of how important AND wonderful he was... this may just be her way of letting go, and finding peace with his passing. There is a saying I like very much, you can live forever in the hearts of your loved ones.

 

[somethingshiny]

Ditto to Mish.

This "show" is for your family, for some reason they think it will bring them peace or help in their grieving. I understand that it would make you uncomfortable, it would me. But, if it will do more good for your family I would try to go through with it.

I''m sorry for your loss and your family is in my prayers.

 

[dragonfly411]

Kitty - I really don''t have a lot of advice hon but (((HUGS)))) I''m so sorry for your loss.

 

[Blackpaw]

Im so sorry Kittybean

hugs for you...

 

[princessplease]

I am so sorry for your loss, kb.

May you find solace and peace in this painful time.

::hugs::

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so sorry for your loss Kittybean. You do what you are comfortable with. Take good care.

 

[radiantlvr329]

I am sooo sorry for your loss

I lost my grandmother last year and it was so hard for me. I''m sorry I don''t have much advice but I can tell you one thing... Remember the good times and cherish them. Those memories will make you laugh when you feel like crying. You and your family are in my thoughts.

 

[Haven]

I''m so sorry Kittybean.

 

[beechezz]

Kittybean,

I just wanted to offer my condolences on the passing of your grandfather. I feel badly that you are being pushed into doing something that you know were not your grandfather''s wishes. Unfortunately family members can be opinionated and bossy at times.

I am so sorry for your loss!

 

[oddoneout]

I''m very sorry to hear this but I am glad your grandfather had a long and happy life. As to the funeral I would be nervous too. Maybe to your aunt is using the planning of the funeral and the idea of the big show as a way of grieving and that''s why she''s making such a big deal out of it.

 

[kittybean]

Thank you so, so much everyone for your kind words, advice, condolences, and support. It was so wonderful to read when I came home from a long day of work today (although being busy was good for me).

After thinking about it today, I realized you guys are right. The funeral is my aunt''s way of grieving, and I need to let her do this the way she feels best. She has been my grandparents'' caregiver for the last few years, and she was there through almost every moment of my grandfather''s illness. I spoke with her today, and I told her that I would be happy to share some words and memories at the funeral, but that I''d really prefer not to play the piano, if it was okay with her. I do not play well when I''m sad, upset, or shaken, and I don''t want to give a bad performance in my grandfather''s memory. Thankfully she understood. I''m still a little nervous about speaking, but I think I''ll be able to handle it.

Many thanks again for your support, everyone.