Rude post-reception email; how do I respond? HELP!

[sydneycasandra]

I am so stunned about this e-mail I received this morning (sent at 5pm yesterday, the day of our post-DW reception.)

For a little background, the person that wrote me this email had emailed & called me while I was off on our DW/honeymoon to know how long she should plan for the reception. (The invites just stated that it began at 2pm). I wrote her back AND left a voicemail saying she could arrive and leave at her convenience, but just to give her some idea the band would be playing until 6 (which didn''t happen but anyway...) I never heard back so I assumed that was okay.

We started the reception at 2pm; DH and I made our "grand entrance" and first dance at 2:45 (and yes I am sure of the time.) Here''s the email I received, which has offended me by its rudeness as well as hurt my feelings. I directly copied and pasted, my comments are in brackets. Names have been changed to protect the innocent!

**
Cxxx,

Sorry I missed you. I guess you hadn''t arrived yet. I came about two thirty. Talked to the Stantons and Patty. [The stantons were sitting at the same table as my mom.] Didn''t see anyone else that I knew, including your mother or Leslie [see note about stantons; Leslie was the person that was doing my hair so she was inside with me]. Couldn''t find a guest book to sign. [On our table, in the center of a big iron pergola with a WEDDING CAKE there was a signable photo mat and ink pen subbing as a guestbook-???] So I left.
***

Then she writes a short note about how DH and I should come to her place for dinner and gives me the lunch and dinner times that she would be available to host us for the next two weeks; she said to call if that wasn''t okay and then just signed her name, no "best wishes" or "congratulations". Also the dinner invitation was written in a different font so I am suspecting it was an afterthought. I read the first part of her email as being rather accusatory and blaming me for inconveniencing her. (And if anyone cares, yes, she did bring a gift, but it was basically a cedar meat roasting plank; I''m a vegetarian and have been for many, many years, which she knows.)

I am so perplexed and hurt by this e-mail, especially from someone who usually has a great deal of class and etiquette. Why would you email the bride with such nonsense and how do I respond? Do I just say "Well actually, I came out at 2:45, my mom was at the table w/ the Stantons, there were only 75 people there how could you not have seen her, I am sorry to have kept you waiting for an entire FIFTEEN MINUTES, and you are obviously so blind you couldn''t find the big table in the center of the garden with the wedding cake!?" Obviously I don''t, but I do want to defend myself but I feel anything I say will come out rude. Plus, she is a former teacher of mine and so I have a very hard time not being extremely polite.

HELP ME!

 

[sydneycasandra]

Oh, and if anyone cares, this was just the topper to a rather awkward reception day. 9 people cancelled w/ less than 24 hours notice; another 6 or so didn''t even show up. (Out of a guest count of about 90 that''s pretty bad IMHO but I''m not too sure.) Many, many people left about 3:30 (before we even cut the cake at about 3:45 or 4) and the band stopped at 4:45 even though they were paid til 6. (And no they didn''t give us any refund or even ask if it was OK to stop). The last guest left about 5pm but most were gone by 4:15. Is this normal? Most people left w/o saying goodbye, the people doing the flowers FORGOT to make the bouquet I was supposed to toss (we decided the day before it was a go but the flowers were done about half an hour before the reception they just cut a bunch and stuck them in vases), and the wedding planner left w/o saying anything OR making me a plate of food to take home, so I didn''t get to try half the stuff that was served (I ate a couple bites of stuff during the reception.)

We stayed around for a while and helped clean up a bit (I was picking up and tying up garbage bags in my wedding dress what a SIGHT!) and then went to my house to open presents; we received mainly gift cards and cash (which I was extremely thankful for, I am glad the stigma seems to be going away from that) and a whole lot of regifts (some were obviously used, such as a porcelain figurine with chips out of it and dirt!) It was overall a very strange day.

 

[sosst7]

AntiguaBride, I am sorry to hear about your rude email! I would definitely be hurt too, she seemed miff that things didn''t go according to HER plans/time table but what I think she forgot was that it was YOUR day, and not hers. It was weird how she just left, I would at least given it 30 minutes and I am extremely particular about time.

I would just write her back and I''m sorry if I missed you while you were there, we will have to together soon. Or something along the lines of that. Just keep it very short. Though the dinner offer was an afer thought, she still did offer when she didn''t have to so I would take her up on it. It will give you two an opportunity to talk about the wedding and for her to explain.

 

[decodelighted]

Sorry so many things went wrong on your reception day! Perhaps this email just "topped it off" so to speak. My take? Some people are better one-on-one friends, than "group event" people. Sounds to me like she knew she had to "do the right thing" and show up, but quickly grew anxious when faced with a bunch of people she didn''t know and also - realized that you weren''t gonna have much time for her ANYWAY when you DID arrive -- so, she thought "I made my appearance ... I left the gift ... I''ll email her and explain" and then scrammed. I''m not saying that''s ideal behavior -- but as someone who despises parties myself - I give her the "anxiety" benefit of the doubt. You don''t have to. Just hoping my interpretation might make the whole thing seem less PERSONAL to you. Also - would you rather people do what she did, show, gift & run --- or do what the REAL COWARDS who didn''t show/call/or come did. Weddings bring out a ton of bad behavior. It doesn''t mean you have to cut off friendships with everyone. You just know a bit more about how they react "under pressure" or "in a pinch".

 

[dani13]

Antiguabride-

I am so so sorry you have to go through this. My advice: just let this go. In this world you cant expect people to behave or act the way you would- she was rude and you know it, and anyone who hears this story would know it. But the bottom line is that you cant expect too much from people- for example, you and I know that we are both courteous, nice people, and we would never do something like that, right? But to expect others to do the same is holding your expectations too high- youre more likely to be dissappointed this way. For some reason (and we dont know why) she abruptly left. We dont know the reason. Try not to take it personally. Unfortunately, people are going to dissappoint you, it just goes with the territory. So, try your hardest to just email her back, say how youre sorry she missed your special day, and that's it. It just isnt worth any more than that. What are you going to say now, after the fact? It is somewhat of a lost cause....

 

[FireGoddess]

How peculiar. I agree with what has been said - some people are better one-on-one friends than party people, especially if they had to/did come alone. What bride and groom ISN''T late to the reception? Most are taking wedding pictures for the first hour anyway! Quite surprising that she would just up and leave after 45 min. I mean, go talk to someone or make a new friend! Some people aren''t comfortable doing that.

I would suggest getting together like she mentioned and just talking your feelings out. It truly is the best way. 2 friends (a couple) of mine were so outraged that I didn''t spend enough time with them (at my wedding of 250 people) that they acted cruelly to me the next time we got together and then ignored me for almost 2 years. When they finally realized that was a childish way to behave, I was so disgusted at how they handled themselves that I couldn''t even talk to them. By finally talking to me they realized they had NO IDEA what was going on with me before, during, or after the wedding I had to plan and pay for entirely myself. But having ''punished'' me for something I didn''t know they felt, instead of talking to me, it ruined a long standing friendship. And for what? So I recommend just talking to each other and clearing the air...if it''s a friendship you want to keep. Just my 2 cents!

 

[sydneycasandra]

FG- She was actually only there for 15 minutes as she didn''t come until 2:30! Very, very strange. I talked to one of the people today that she said she had spoken with; Patty said that this lady seemed fine and doesn''t know why she left early, didn''t see her leave (apparently no one did.)

We''re not particularly close, but I''ve known her for many years; I just hate to not keep in touch with old teachers/friends/coworkers and I like to be on good terms with everyone. Unless DH really wants to go to her house for dinner (he''s never met her) I think I will politely decline the offer by explaining to her that DH and I live very far apart and aren''t together frequently and wouldn''t be able to make it b/c we''re busy with work/research etc. I know that if I decline this offer it is probably the last I will hear of her, but given her rather bizarre behavior and email which essentially implied I was a "bad bride", I''m not sure if it''s a connection that I will miss. After the email I will mail a polite and brief thank you note for the meat roasting board (still perplexed?) and call it a day. She seems to have tried to justify her weird, inconsiderate behavior by making it seem like my fault that we didn''t come out until 2:45- we weren''t taking pictures at that time, but as some of you have said, it''s traditional that the bride and groom come out late; while people were waiting, drinks were being served and waiters were walking around with appetizers to tide everyone over until the food line opened.

Thanks for your help, ladies.

 

[LAJennifer]

Try not to take it so personal (I know, its very hard to do). In the process of planning our wedding, my fiance and I have learned that nobody cares about our wedding nearly as much as we do.

 

[selflove]

I get the sense, too, that if you decline her offer, that it will only make it more awkward or strain the friendship even more. So if you don''t care about maintaining the friendship, I wouldn''t even stress about responding (just delete the email), send her a nice thank-you card and be done with it. But if you want to repair any damage, I''d ignore her underhanded snide comments and have dinner/lunch with her.

I think it''s ridiculous for people to think that at a wedding they need to have their hand held by someone they know there, especially if it''s the bride and groom! What a high maintainance pain in the ass. Sorry you had to deal with that!

I wonder if people left early and had different behavior b/c it was on a Sunday and because it wasn''t the wedding day? Sometimes there''s just no explaining strange behavior. It is disappointing when people who RSVP don''t show up. It happens at every wedding. Personally, I haven''t talked to the no-shows yet and it''s been a month since our wedding.

If it makes you feel any better, I had a weird friend at our reception. She came alone from Houston (we live in LA) and arrived the day before the wedding. We spent that whole day together from noon to 11pm, getting pedicures and massages, and then she helped me with the flowers well into the night. The next day, she came to the ceremony with the van we rented for the family transportation and she left the church with my BIL to go to the reception. We got to the reception about 45 mins after everyone else and she had already left the reception! I haven''t talked to her since then but I did send a nice thank you card to her and just ignored the issue of her leaving. I think it was just weird for her to be around a lot of people she didn''t know, or something, I dunno.

 

[Mara]

Date: 6/5/2006 1:41:21 PM
Author: LAJennifer
Try not to take it so personal (I know, its very hard to do). In the process of planning our wedding, my fiance and I have learned that nobody cares about our wedding nearly as much as we do.

Ditto, as a third party she probably has no idea of all the other stuff that went on as well yesterday, and also ditto to whoever said that miscommunications are easily had, especially over email. I didn't think the email was rude necessarily, it sounded a little short or clipped though, nor did I get that she felt like you inconvenienced her...maybe she had a horrible day as well OR something happened right before she sent the email. Also you said she normally is very polite and gracious, that definitely underscores that something else is going on, maybe totally unrelated to you or your situation. Maybe you both had icky days and have residual feelings from them. It's so hard to tell in an email!

I would just respond and say I'm so sorry we missed you, thank you for coming and for your wonderful gift & we'd love to come to dinner on XYZ date. And leave it at that! I wouldn't read too much into it and I wouldn't stew on it. There are lots of types of people out there...not everything goes as well with friends as we often hope.

 

[ephemery1]

I agree with Mara et al. Some people come across horribly in email, even when it''s not their intention. And some people just aren''t great at expressing themselves in general. And some people just have a way of finding fault with everything. Regardless, at this point, it will be more of an effort for you to continue thinking about it than to just let it go... and you deserve a break!

 

[pebbles]

Date: 6/5/2006 9:52:57 AM
Author: AntiguaBride
Oh, and if anyone cares, this was just the topper to a rather awkward reception day. 9 people cancelled w/ less than 24 hours notice; another 6 or so didn''t even show up. (Out of a guest count of about 90 that''s pretty bad IMHO but I''m not too sure.) Many, many people left about 3:30 (before we even cut the cake at about 3:45 or 4) and the band stopped at 4:45 even though they were paid til 6. (And no they didn''t give us any refund or even ask if it was OK to stop). The last guest left about 5pm but most were gone by 4:15. Is this normal? Most people left w/o saying goodbye, the people doing the flowers FORGOT to make the bouquet I was supposed to toss (we decided the day before it was a go but the flowers were done about half an hour before the reception they just cut a bunch and stuck them in vases), and the wedding planner left w/o saying anything OR making me a plate of food to take home, so I didn''t get to try half the stuff that was served (I ate a couple bites of stuff during the reception.)

We stayed around for a while and helped clean up a bit (I was picking up and tying up garbage bags in my wedding dress what a SIGHT!) and then went to my house to open presents; we received mainly gift cards and cash (which I was extremely thankful for, I am glad the stigma seems to be going away from that) and a whole lot of regifts (some were obviously used, such as a porcelain figurine with chips out of it and dirt!) It was overall a very strange day.

I agree with what the others said about the email -- blow it off. Life is too short to get upset about it, and besides, you said she wasn''t a great friend anyway. Get together with her on a one one one (or couples) basis and see how she is.

The other stuff you mentioned about the reception stinks but a lot of it actually sounds normal unfortunately. This time of year especially, everyone is swamped with other events to attend (graduations, other weddings, kids softball games, etc.) so it''s not surprising that a lot of people left early. I haven''t really followed your story, but did you make it clear that it was a wedding reception, and not just something like an open house or get together, know what I mean? The reason I ask is b/c one of my girlfriends had a DW a couple of years ago, and a reception a few weeks later. We didn''t realize that she was having a formal reception, just like you would if you had the ceremony in town. Many of the guests did not realize she was having a sit down dinner, or a band or the cake cutting ceremony...they thought it was more like a "party" to celebrate their marriage, so many arrived late and dressed more casually then they should have. A 10% no-show rate is about normal; when you send out the invites there is usually at least a 20% decline rate. At our wedding we had several couples not show up either. Their loss we told ourselves. Most people do wind up sneaking out w/o saying goodbye too.

And you will always have people regift. I got a used ice cream maker -- how''s that for a regift?

 

[sydneycasandra]

pebbles- I probably wouldn''t have minded the used ice cream maker, had it come with some ice cream inside! Really though, that is pretty strange. We DID make it abundantly clear that this was in fact, a wedding reception; it was also held on the very first weekend after we came back so it was as close as it could''ve been to the wedding/honeymoon. The invitations were even the same for the DW/reception; we knew ppl wouldn''t come to the DW so we did a double-duty card that "announced" the wedding on the first block of text, and then invited ppl to the reception in the second block. If anyone really did want to come to the DW I''m sure they would have made it clear. We did the first dance and a kiss but not the bouquet since there wasn''t one. Aiy.. I just feel like a balloon that someone slowly let the air out of.

-Tried to call the mean e-mail lady but no answer. Hmmm.

DH and I have made the following pledges following our wedding experience, for when we go to other ppl''s weddings:
1. RSVP before the date regardless of whether it is yes or no. Gives the busy couple one less phone call to make.
2. Stick with the original decision! Unless someone is VERY sick, we''ll be there if we said we would. And vice versa.
3. We''re giving money/checks/gift cards. Possibly registry items if its a family where that would be tacky, but NO REGIFTS and no "creative" gifts!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/5/2006 9:17:20 PM
Author: AntiguaBride
DH and I have made the following pledges following our wedding experience, for when we go to other ppl's weddings:
1. RSVP before the date regardless of whether it is yes or no. Gives the busy couple one less phone call to make.
2. Stick with the original decision! Unless someone is VERY sick, we'll be there if we said we would. And vice versa.
3. We're giving money/checks/gift cards. Possibly registry items if its a family where that would be tacky, but NO REGIFTS and no 'creative' gifts!

These sound like great rules. It's funny how much CLEARER this all becomes AFTER you've hosted a wedding yourself. I bet most newlywed couples either

a) become SUPER CONSIDERATE (i.e. your rules) -- OR --
b) become APATHETIC (i.e. -- "people were rotten to me, now I don't care how I act")