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Ring before or after?

tyty333

tyty333

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
28,083
After reading several post from LIW with the same theme...Guy has ring but waiting to propose...Girl cant take it anymore!

Which way would you rather have it?

1. Guy proposes without ring and you shop together?

or...the way it seems like its happening a lot

2. Couple talk about marriage, find ring, but proposal is planned for a later date (usually when Guy gets around to it).

To me, it sure seems like there would be a lot less frustrated LIW if the guy proposed first without a ring. I guess at that
point you can choose to tell people you're engaged and hunting for the ring or choose to wait till you have the ring in hand
to tell people you are engaged. Either way you are engaged and I think it would take the pressure off.

Option 2 almost seems like torture to me. You know its coming at some point but the waiting is hell! And, to top it off there
is this beautiful ring you picked out/designed sitting somewhere collecting dust (for what reason)!

So...which way would you rather have it?
 
I agree that it can be tough to wait - but I still prefer option #2.

My SO and I believe that he should slip the ring on my finger when he asks me to marry him, and that I should wear that ring (or at least the stone) forever; it's a symbolization thing.

I definitely can understand why some couples choose the first option though.
 
I'm an old married lady, but I was engaged via scenerio #1, and I would do it again that way! You get the surprise. You get the input on the ring. You get to practice the compromise and cooperative spirit necessary for a successful marriage.
 
My problem with option #1 is the first thing people say to you when you say you're engaged is "show me the ring!".
 
Option 1 I would love! Sponaneous proposal + getting to choose the ring would make me very happy. Plus if we wanted to start telling people right away, I've got my grandma's engagement ring to use as a fingerwarmer until I could get my Sapphire.

Also, Uppy! Love the Star Sapphire in your avatar!
 
After reading what the girls go through on here I would rather be proposed to first and get the ring later. I also don't see the point of having the ring sitting around for months on end not being worn.
 
We did/are doing kind of a combination I guess.

We've been talking about marriage and have known that we're getting married for a long time now. So i guess in that sense its kind of like we've been engaged for awhile. I think its important to talk about things (like if you want to be married to each other, for example), just so everyone is on the same page. Don't get me wrong, I think when the girl gets totally surprised its so cute and makes me cry a little, but at the same time, getting engaged is a big step, and should be a mutual decision.

Anyhow, this summer, when we knew we were ready to get officially engaged, we started talking about what kind of ring I would want, he started doing research on here, etc. He found a number of center stones and had them looked at/inspected, and picked the one he liked best, based on what I told him I liked. For the side stones, there was a choice between .5 ct each side stones (1 ctw) and .61ish ct side stones (1.21 ctw) and he asked me which one I would prefer (the answer was obvious :P). We worked together to find pictures of the setting that I liked best and sent the pictures to JA so they could copy it (its just the simple tiffany 3 stone EC setting). So we designed the ring together, but he made the important decisions (like the center and side stones).

As far as the actual proposal goes, I have no idea what he is going to do and I dont WANT to know. I do know that it will probably occur by the end of July (and if not, within the first 3 days of August). I like knowing the timeline. But I don't want to know anything about the actual plan. The ring will be here in a few days, so as far as getting the ring and holding on to it for awhile until he "gets around to it", thats not really what will be happening. We waited until we were ready to be officially engaged to start ring shopping, so he won't be holding on to it for more than 2 weeks (and I guess thats just beacause thats when our vacation is planned...and also, he will be out of the country until Friday...so it will be within a week or so of his return). We started the process of looking for stones, vendors, etc. at the end of May. We officially made the purchase at the beginning of July.

I also don't like the idea of telling people "I'm engaged" without having a ring to show. Superficial maybe, but its part of the culture. If I didn't care about it, we wouldve started telling people that we were engaged like 2 years ago lol.
 
amc80 said:
My problem with option #1 is the first thing people say to you when you say you're engaged is "show me the ring!".
Click to expand...

Which is why we got engaged.... for other people. :lol:
 
Uppy said:
amc80 said:
My problem with option #1 is the first thing people say to you when you say you're engaged is "show me the ring!".
Click to expand...

Which is why we got engaged.... for other people. :lol:
Click to expand...

Obviously not what I meant. Just for me, personally, I think it's a total package sort of thing. To me, official engagement = proposal + ring + wedding date (or at least being in the process of getting an official date).

Don't get me wrong, any proposal is better than no proposal, and I would say yes either way.
 
Hmmn..either one? I'd prefer to be engaged with a ring. I'm looking forward to wearing a sparkly to complement the grin on my face. :D
 
If I had to choose one of those options I'd have to go with #2 because I want him to put the ring on my finger when he asks me.

However, I'm really happy with the way we're doing it. We're both very traditional so he's picking out the ring (I've told him and shown him the styles I like) and proposing with no help from me. Even though it's driving me crazy not even really knowing a timeline, I think the surprise is going to be well worth it! I know that wasn't part of your question but I had to give my overall preference :))
 
I would also pick option 2. I want everyone to know I'm engaged with a ring on my finger. :bigsmile:
 
option 2!
 
Grlsbestfrnd said:
If I had to choose one of those options I'd have to go with #2 because I want him to put the ring on my finger when he asks me.

However, I'm really happy with the way we're doing it. We're both very traditional so he's picking out the ring (I've told him and shown him the styles I like) and proposing with no help from me. Even though it's driving me crazy not even really knowing a timeline, I think the surprise is going to be well worth it! I know that wasn't part of your question but I had to give my overall preference :))
Click to expand...


This is exactly how BF wants ours to be except I only got to tell him once the things I liked and at the time I really didnt know myself... so we will both be in for a supirse whenver he asks but I know it will be beautiful because it was all his inspiration... i get excited just thinking about it!
 
I prefer to get engaged with the ring. To me it's a symbolic thing that represents that it's 'official', plus I get to show off my ring when we tell friends and family! :bigsmile:

I must say I don't really understand why some people buy the ring and only propose months later (sometimes longer!). If you're ready, then why wait so long? And if you're not ready, why get the ring?

I know my BF will propose very soon after getting the ring. In fact, that's all we're waiting for right now, for the ring to be done!
 
Well, I don't really know which I prefer. I think as long as we get engaged I will be happy. We have discussed both routes and he likes #1 better and I somewhat like #2. I like the second option because I have always imagined a proposal where BF presents me with the ring during the proposal. It's just traditional to me and how I've imagined it happening. However, I also want to help pick out my ring.

So, really, I want the best of both worlds. ;)) I think in the end we will go with option 1 and just wait to tell people until I have the ring. I have been planning to wait a few days, at least, to tell people just because I think I want to spend our first few days as an engaged couple just enjoying each other and what is to come. Once you tell people, I feel like everything just goes crazy, people want to know what the date is, where you think you'll get married, etc. I would like a few calm days of just me and him. :)
 
Okay, given that this is the Ladies in WAITING forum, but the results are split along one specific determinant.

All married, or previously married women have posted that they'd prefer to be proposed to first, and then seek the ring together.

Single and LIW have all desired to have their SO propose with the ring in hand.




I must say, that when I was a LIW I wanted a magnificent proposal, fully orchestrated along with a glittering diamond ring! Hubby didn't go that route, but the time came spontaneously. And, for those who want a great story to tell others (and their grandchildren), I'd venture to say those stories that lacked a ring are just as romantic (and/or comedic) than those engagements with rings!
 
I would like option 3: He picks the best biggest diamond he can afford within the specs I have so generously provided when we talked about marriage 8) and then sets it in a temp setting and proposes to me as a total surprise! Best of both worlds.
 
I think whatever he feels comfortable with is best. My FF has asked what kind of rings I like and I have emailed him the one I love and then it is out of my hands and I am aware it could be up to a year away (I really hope not though).

I would go nuts if it were all a complete surprise because I feel something that is such a huge deal in my life I should have some knowledge of and be kept in the loop. The eventual proposal I would love to be a complete surprise, but I don’t want to be surprised that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. In that scenario, as far as I knew, it could be just as likely I get the surprise that he doesn’t. That would drive me all kinds of crazy. :lickout:
 
I am married, and we got engaged rather spontaneously without a ring (other than that from my phone when he sent me a text from the emergency room of a hospital in another province (he was away for a couple weeks) asking me).

We thought about getting an engagement ring (actually rings, as DH would have liked one too!) but we then decided not to at the time. For various reasons, including wanting to put the money toward our wedding as we were paying for it ourselves, wanting a short engagement anyway, not wanting to be rushed to pick one out, me not buying into the whole traditional engagement and wedding stuff, or into idea that HE has to be the one to prove he can provide by giving me a ring (besides, I was main breadwinner at the time, I still am, I should have given him a ring in that case, ha!).

Indeed, we got married two months later without ever having an engagement ring. We did have wedding rings of course that we picked out together. It was kind of exciting that we both first put rings on our ring fingers at the wedding.

So I would say the engagement was pretty official without the ring! And I love my engagement "story", I would not change it for anything (not even to have a huge ring with it).

No one ever asked to "see the ring" right away. I would not have friends whose first reaction to an engagement announcement was "let me see the ring" - I certainly never react that way to others announcements! A congratulations does just fine.

I did get a ring eventually after we were married, I had my own ideas for it, and had it custom made to those, and used my own tax return on it, but of course DH also shared his preferences for it which I certainly took to heart (though he left it up to me since I am the one wearing it!). I chose one that still is in the spirit of my original wedding band, and compliments his own ring too, and has its own sentimental touches. I love it, and it is still very symbolic and sentimental to me, as is my original wedding ring that I still wear time to time.

So, I choose the option that has you both on the same page (be it a ring before or after), and having had discussed marriage (not just weddings and rings) beforehand and that has you both going forward as a team with eyes and hearts wide open.

I will say I don't get the point at all of buying and hanging onto the ring for months. If you are not ready, you are not ready - if you are ready, just do it already! But for me, I see engagement as saying "we are ready to be married NOW" (not, this is another step, let us see how it goes), so I would not even make plans to be engaged unless I could say I was ready to get married THAT day.
 
Well, I liked the element of surprise when I got my ring. I just didn't like the ring haha! I wish we would have shopped for it together.
 
RaiKai said:
I am married, and we got engaged rather spontaneously without a ring (other than that from my phone when he sent me a text from the emergency room of a hospital in another province (he was away for a couple weeks) asking me).

We thought about getting an engagement ring (actually rings, as DH would have liked one too!) but we then decided not to at the time. For various reasons, including wanting to put the money toward our wedding as we were paying for it ourselves, wanting a short engagement anyway, not wanting to be rushed to pick one out, me not buying into the whole traditional engagement and wedding stuff, or into idea that HE has to be the one to prove he can provide by giving me a ring (besides, I was main breadwinner at the time, I still am, I should have given him a ring in that case, ha!).

Indeed, we got married two months later without ever having an engagement ring. We did have wedding rings of course that we picked out together. It was kind of exciting that we both first put rings on our ring fingers at the wedding.

So I would say the engagement was pretty official without the ring! And I love my engagement "story", I would not change it for anything (not even to have a huge ring with it).

No one ever asked to "see the ring" right away. I would not have friends whose first reaction to an engagement announcement was "let me see the ring" - I certainly never react that way to others announcements! A congratulations does just fine.

I did get a ring eventually after we were married, I had my own ideas for it, and had it custom made to those, and used my own tax return on it, but of course DH also shared his preferences for it which I certainly took to heart (though he left it up to me since I am the one wearing it!). I chose one that still is in the spirit of my original wedding band, and compliments his own ring too, and has its own sentimental touches. I love it, and it is still very symbolic and sentimental to me, as is my original wedding ring that I still wear time to time.

So, I choose the option that has you both on the same page (be it a ring before or after), and having had discussed marriage (not just weddings and rings) beforehand and that has you both going forward as a team with eyes and hearts wide open.

I will say I don't get the point at all of buying and hanging onto the ring for months. If you are not ready, you are not ready - if you are ready, just do it already! But for me, I see engagement as saying "we are ready to be married NOW" (not, this is another step, let us see how it goes), so I would not even make plans to be engaged unless I could say I was ready to get married THAT day.
Click to expand...

That's an interesting story. To each his own!

I will say, that it probably depends on who/type of people you hang out with and where you live, what kind of family and family background you have, etc. when it comes to folks asking to see the ring. I know my family would definitely be skeptical and/or disapproving of an engagement without a ring. And I know they have seen other non-diamond engagement rings and thought it was kind of odd or something. I'm not saying it is (or that that kind of thinking is right), and it would be nice if there was less pressure to "do the normal thing", but it is what it is. My mom gave me the stink eye when I mentioned that we were getting our ring from a vendor online. She said "Do whatever you want, I just hope you're getting what you think you're getting and you're not being scammed". Nothing will change her mind - she will always go to our family jeweler, regardless of whether he is giving her the best deal or not. They are just very traditional about these things, and theyre my family, so its fine. And I know my friends have already asked to see the ring (they said to sent them a picture txt lol) even before I have it (but I'll be totally happy to show it off when I get it haha)!!

Yes I wish that there wasn't pressure to follow societal norms with this kind of thing (I mean, I'd still want my diamond engagement ring but there wouldnt be any pressure on us), but at the same time, I want my engagement to be joyous, not just for me, but for everyone! Afterall, I will be gaining a husband, but my family will be gaining a son/brother/etc. So I want everyone to be happy with no negativity.
 
Ideally I would love to have option number 1 because I am a very picky person and I want input on the ring. That being said I don't need a ring right away just the fact that were engaged would be enough for me. Although I know that will never happen my SO is very traditional and a big part of me wants to have a ring to show so option 2 is actually what did happen except for the proposal part. We already talked about marriage the first year in the relationship I kind of over heard his time line for it within 5 years of dating we've been together for 3. I asked him a couple of months ago if I could give him hints on the ring I want he said sure but he won't let me pick the actual ring out. Although I don't expect the ring for a couple more years two at the most , he'll probably plan the proposal for a later date I'm totally not expecting.
 
I'm really surprised that most LIW picked #2.

The first time I was married it was via #1 (total surpise). It was very exciting but I hated the diamond. It was really
ulgy...I hate to think how much he got ripped off :knockout: .

The second time we talked marriage then got the ring (so...#1) and all-in-all it was my favorite. I love the bonding you
get to do over hunting for a ring. Plus, actually getting what you want :appl: couldnt be better to me.

Thank you ladies for your feedback...it has been eye-opening! I hope you all get the ring and proposal you desire (and let
us pray that its in a timely manner!)
 
I've actually had both, and I'd say hands down option 2. My first marriage began with an impromptu proposal, in bed, after...well, yeah. Nothing I could actually tell my kids or friends and family about. We shopped for the ring together after, but I always felt that it was just sort of an unplanned, half-arsed attempt (which it was, and clearly it didn't end well >.<).

Second time around I have a MUCH better feeling and memories of the whole thing - from looking together for diamonds and settings, to the proposal that he put so much time into. It means a lot to me that he'd put in the forethought for the ring and the proposal.

I suppose if my FI had gone the route of just surprising me with the same proposal and a "stand in" ring with the promise of looking together with me, I might have been fine with it. It was still really awesome to have that ring slipped on my finger with him down on one knee. ::)
 
I definitely think option 2. I want a proposal where he has to plan to get the ring and he puts it on me when he asks me.
 
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