Ring as control tactic

[lucyandroger]

Does anyone remember this story about the man who murdered his wife on thier honeymoon to Australia? I originally saw the story on Dateline about a year and half ago. It turned out that the guy had a history of abusive and controlling behavior. One of the things they mentioned was what he did with her engagment ring:

"in November 2002 Gabe bought Tina an engagement ring. But, bizarrely, instead of giving it to her, he put it in a bag and placed it on top of the TV at his condominium, and told her if she looked, he would take it back. "I told her she should tell him to take the ring and shove it," said her father after her death. "Tina complained to us about Gabe on several occasions. She said that she let him get away with it because she loved him, and hoped one day he would ask her to marry him."
http://www.cdnn.info/news/article/a080930.html

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/25326275/

http://www.abc3340.com/news/stories/0609/629169.html

These links are just what I got with a quick google. I''m sure there are much better articles out there if you do your own search.

Just thought this was interesting and sad.

I certainly hope none of our LIWs are in relationships like this but I do think this is why the forum is quick to make sure that the lady is sticking up for herself and not being manipulated or abused.

 

[winelover23]

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

 

[4ever]

 

[lilyfoot]

Wow. Just .. wow.

 

[katomm]

Disgusting. My ex husband would throw his wedding band at me every single time we got into even the tiniest of arguments. Then he''d take our pictures down off the walls. He smashed a coffee pot into the side of my face and broke three bones in my right foot later that year. There are certainly warning signs of an abuser and you can''t make someone leave. It''s hard to go through and sometimes even harder to watch the ones you love go through it.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Threadjack commencing....

Katomm, I''m glad that you''re in a much better relationship now and I know that you''re truly happy. I''m sorry that this had happened to you. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before meeting my FI and I''m glad that there are still good guys out there. Often times, people (men or women) don''t think that they are being abused while in the relationship. You really can''t see it until you''re out of it, and that''s if you get out of it. That''s why it''s always so important to stick up for yourself and I''m glad that PS is such a supportive forum in a lot of ways.

Threadjack over....

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/11/2009 10:45:26 PM
Author: Luckyeshe
Threadjack commencing....

Katomm, I''m glad that you''re in a much better relationship now and I know that you''re truly happy. I''m sorry that this had happened to you. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before meeting my FI and I''m glad that there are still good guys out there. Often times, people (men or women) don''t think that they are being abused while in the relationship. You really can''t see it until you''re out of it, and that''s if you get out of it. That''s why it''s always so important to stick up for yourself and I''m glad that PS is such a supportive forum in a lot of ways.

Threadjack over....

Sorry to continue the threadjack, but the highlighted comment above hit home with me. I never realized the effects my ex''s words were having on me, until after we broke up, and I found myself subconsciously repeating those things to myself.

I''m very lucky that it wasn''t, IMO, anything "crazy", so to speak, but who knows where my self esteem would''ve been had I continued on with that relationship? It''s unfortunate that so many of us have this type of story in common

I have definitely seen posts here that have set off red flags in my mind ..

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/12/2009 9:24:05 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/11/2009 10:45:26 PM
Author: Luckyeshe
Threadjack commencing....

Katomm, I'm glad that you're in a much better relationship now and I know that you're truly happy. I'm sorry that this had happened to you. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before meeting my FI and I'm glad that there are still good guys out there. Often times, people (men or women) don't think that they are being abused while in the relationship. You really can't see it until you're out of it, and that's if you get out of it. That's why it's always so important to stick up for yourself and I'm glad that PS is such a supportive forum in a lot of ways.

Threadjack over....

Sorry to continue the threadjack, but the highlighted comment above hit home with me. I never realized the effects my ex's words were having on me, until after we broke up, and I found myself subconsciously repeating those things to myself.

I'm very lucky that it wasn't, IMO, anything 'crazy', so to speak, but who knows where my self esteem would've been had I continued on with that relationship? It's unfortunate that so many of us have this type of story in common

I have definitely seen posts here that have set off red flags in my mind ..

Not a threadjack at all!

The highlighted comment is so true. I'm so glad you ladies are out of those bad relationships. I myself was in a controling relationship when I was younger. At least we're learning from mistakes and more able to see those red flags now!

*************

I'd like to think that if this girl had been a PS LIW, we would have brought those red flags up to her rather than just tell her "oh he's waiting for a special day" or something. My take on it is that we're all strangers on the internet when it comes down to it. So if someone brings up something they see as a flag and you feel you're in a great, healthy relationship, then a stranger's comment shouldn't affect the way you feel about that relationship. But if the comment might be able to help some girl out there who is being manipulated or abused, then I think it's totally worth it to bring it up.

 

[Erin]

I know I'm quick to relate situations to my past because I don't want girls going through the same things I did. In my father's words, I dodged a bullet not marrying my ex boyfriend. He had the ring for over a year. The house we moved into had a built in microwave above the stove and he kept my intended engagement ring in its box, inside the spare microwave we kept on a high shelf in the mud room. That was the pink elephant in the room. I wasn't allowed to ask about it or mention engagement or marriage because that just pushed back the date he was supposed to ask even further.

Yes he abused me, but he was careful not to do any physical harm that would ever blemish me. I would have sworn I was a strong enough woman to never EVER be "that woman" who keeps finding ways to not leave. My rationalization was that he was such a GREAT guy for the first couple of years we dated. He just is going through X and he'll resume being that great guy.

It wasn't until after I got out of the relationship, and even then add a month, did I realize what a sad, sad person I was. I don't know what kind of person I would be today without having dated my ex, but I love the person I am today because I am more confident, self assured, happy, bold, friendly, active, involved, focused, in shape, amused, determined, organized, responsible, beautiful..... Without him!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Sometimes it is very difficult to see the tornado when you''re sitting in the center of it.

 

[winelover23]

Date: 11/12/2009 3:23:26 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I know I''m quick to relate situations to my past because I don''t want girls going through the same things I did. In my father''s words, I dodged a bullet not marrying my ex boyfriend. He had the ring for over a year. The house we moved into had a built in microwave above the stove and he kept my intended engagement ring in its box, inside the spare microwave we kept on a high shelf in the mud room. That was the pink elephant in the room. I wasn''t allowed to ask about it or mention engagement or marriage because that just pushed back the date he was supposed to ask even further.

Yes he abused me, but he was careful not to do any physical harm that would ever blemish me. I would have sworn I was a strong enough woman to never EVER be ''that woman'' who keeps finding ways to not leave. My rationalization was that he was such a GREAT guy for the first couple of years we dated. He just is going through X and he''ll resume being that great guy.

It wasn''t until after I got out of the relationship, and even then add a month, did I realize what a sad, sad person I was. I don''t know what kind of person I would be today without having dated my ex, but I love the person I am today because I am more confident, self assured, happy, bold, friendly, active, involved, focused, in shape, amused, determined, organized, responsible, beautiful..... Without him!

Isn''t this amazing? I was in the same situation. I was married to the MASTER manipulator for 9 years and endured physical and mental abuse. Most people would describe me as outgoing, outspoken, independant etc so this was soooo not a situation that I would ever end up in. Wrong! I''m glad we''ve all come out on the other side better and stronger women.

Girls rule!

 

[oddoneout]

I'm proud of all the ladies who have the courage to get out of bad situations and help others by relating their stories.