Religion clash of "THE IN-LAWS". Where and where not to get married!!

[CrazyWannaBeBride]

Help!!! Okay, his parents are devoted catholics. My mother... well, she USED to be catholic, now... she''s part Seventh day Adventist/part mmmmm... she goes to some (Jewish) synagogue.

My mother, who HAD been once catholic, doesn''t believe in Catholism and so she says we could get married in any church BUT THAT.

His mother (parents) say, if it''s not catholic, they won''t support us financially bc they don''t feel right about giving money/supporting if it''s done at any other church but catholic.

Argh.... isn''t this OUR wedding???

Ok, so yes, we need all the help we can get. I don''t really care as I don''t consider myself belonging to any religion other than just saying I am Christian. As for him, he doesn''t really care either. A judge is fine with us... other than...

people saying that churches to recognize ppl married if it''s by a judge, and that we''ll have a hard time baptizing our children in a catholic church (that''s another story ....).

Sooo, now it''s the battle of the in-laws and us.

His mom seems to thing that because my mother doesn''t have any money to help, (I think she thinks) that she should have no say.

She''s really adement (is that how u spell it?)that we get married in a catholic church EVEN if I''m not (she doesn''t care), she even stopped talking to us when we said we were thinking of getting married by a judge.

In both parents eyes, THEIR church is the right church.
(Aahh, it seems that religions just causes war!!! Why do we have them?!?!? Isn''t this true in the real world????)

What do we tell them and still have their support??

 

[fire&ice]

Well, you've got to pick one. A judge is going to p*ss off everyone. Try talking to the priest if there exists some sort of compromise.

Try talking to your mom. Is there some sort of compromise?

Good luck - your's is not an easy one. But, trust me on this one - it's not great starting out your married life w/ any party furious w/ you. Try to resolve it rationally w/ compromise.

 

[BTO]

This may sound kind of snotty, but I SWEAR its not intended to be, I just can't seem to find another way to re-word the question. But here goes:

Are you concerned about them supporting you as parents/people or supporting you financially?

If money is the issue, you can try talking to them. But if they are firmly set on a Catholic wedding, you might be in trouble. However, anything is possible!

If its an emotional support issue (as in, supporting you as a couple, respecting your wishes, wanting YOU to do what makes YOU happy), I think most parents would hear you out and understand where you're coming from. And from there I'm sure a compromise could be made that everyone was comfortable with.

But hey, I know how tough families can be, especially when a wedding is involved. Even if his folks weren't insisting on a Catholic ceremony, you would probably feel guilty for not having one if they were footing the bill.

Everything aside, you're right, it is YOUR wedding. You have to decide what's most important to you, and then go from there.

Brandy

 

[mike04456]

My $0.02 (I'm not a bride, just a lawyer

)




When you have two families trying to play you off against each other, and using their money to get what they want, the best thing is not to give in to either side. Sit down with your fiance and decide what the two of you want--and can afford--on your own. Then do it. If you give in just to get some financial help, you will be paying it back in kind for years afterward. Marriage is a time for stepping out on your own, not reinforcing your dependence on your family. It may be tougher in the short term, but over the long term you'll be much better off.

 

[glitterata]

I'm totally with Lawgem here. You can put an end to the power games right now by refusing to play them. Decide what you and your fiance believe, decide what's right for you, and stick to it. Have a smaller wedding if you need to.

About baptising the children: I'm not Catholic--I'm not even Christian. But isn't Catholicism a religion that welcomes anyone who wants to join? Why would they forbid you to baptize your children Catholic? Maybe someone who's Catholic can answer this.

 

[redjenn]

I would do it at a Unitarian Church. That is what my friend Nicole did.

Remember it is YOUR wedding also. They can get over thier religous differences...if you have it in a Unitarian Church then it is still "christian" for them and then whatever you want it to be for you.

J

 

[chousholder]

why dont you get married OUTSIDE the church like at a park, beach, etc, but have a PRIEST conduct the wedding.
hopefully that would make EVERYONE happy, but most important, you and your spouse. *remember*, its YOUR day

if thats not an option, you COULD try to reason with your mother about just spending those few minutes in the church and then having the reception somewhere else.
i guess just ask her to compromise for 1 hour so you two can get married.
hopefully you can come to an agreement, if not...
ELOPE!!!!!!!!

 

[abradabra]

I know this is an insanely old thread and the original poster is long gone, but since it got rehashed, I figured I would answer some of the old questions for future reference. I'm not going to bother opining on what the original poster should do though...

First of all, you can baptize your child Catholic, even if you are not. Especially if one parent or one side of the family is Catholic. This is a common occurrance. I think at least one godparent is supposed to be Catholic, but that isn't a definite rule. Christianity doesn't really work like Judiaism where the religion is passed from one parent to the child. It is essentially a religion of converts, so your child can convert even if you don't.

Re: being married outside, although it is not forbidden, it is my understanding that canon law (the Catholic Church's law) dictates that both the liturgy and the "form" of the wedding ceremony are important. By "form," they mean location. It is preferable to have the wedding ceremony in a consecrated church. Priests can forgo this rule if they wish, but it is up to the individual performing the ceremony.

In case anyone has a problem like this in the future, there is another option. The Catholic Church does not officially recognize non-Catholic weddings. Ergo, you could a civil or other ceremony and later, get a blessing from a local priest to make your union recognized in the Catholic Church. Or you could have a small Catholic ceremony with one side of the family and then later have a formal ceremony with a reception. A friend of mine is using the former option because she is getting married in the Caribbean and didn't want to try to find a church there.

 

[Nicrez]

I was raised Catholic, but won't marry in a church. My fiance is very not catholic, and I was told that we can't rasie our kids catholic or baptise them unless we have a marraige certificate form the church. Does anyone know if that's true or not?

Is it worth getting a Catholic priest to marry us at our reception site? Is it considered the same as getting married in a church, or would we have to get married in a church BEFORE our real wedding?

I say we all just celebrate Festivus and let it be. Religion seems to cause more problems than fix them lately...

 

[cmcwill]

There are pastors/priests that specialize in combo weddings. catholic/jewish, catholic/protestant...etc. I supposed it has become something of a 'business' but it might be a way to appease both sides. They can perform this in a church.

Colleen

 

[moremoremore]

I skimmed here, but think it's gross that his mother thinks that just b/c of money issues your mom should have no say...UMMM, she's the mother of the bride...more important than her sorry a**!

My father pulled that crap with me when I married outside my faith...but to the extent that I've been disowned...well, he can pretty much BITE ME to this day LOL

 

[fire&ice]

Nic, I would suggest talking with a Jesuit priest. They are the most liberal.

Mom - a converted Jew. Dad - the Pope himself. Hubby's family Baptist. We married in a Catholic Church because it wasn't a big deal to either of us - but a huge deal to my Dad.

In the end, pick your battles. And, the Church was this perfectly Architectural gem. That's what appealed to my Hubby!

 

[abradabra]

There are a lot of ways to have the Catholic Church recognize your marriage. You could have a priest perform the ceremony or more than one officiant (one non-Catholic and one priest). You could have two ceremonies (one Catholic and one non-Catholic). You could get a blessing afterwards. And so on.

If you don't have a kid on the way, I wouldn't worry too much about the baptism issue yet. When you are trying to get pregnant, look into it, but I really don't think the Church's opinion of your marriage would disqualify you from having your child baptized. Especially if at least one of you is a practicing Catholic. There might be a few hurdles to jump through, but you have to think that the Catholic Church wants you to raise your child Catholic.

But Fire & Ice is right, you should look into Jesuit priests. They tend to be a bit more lax. Also, you should check out the reputations of local dioceses in your area. Where I live, there are two local dioceses. One is quite liberal and the other one of the most conservative dioceses in the country. You'd certainly have better luck trying to get something unusual agreed to in the the more liberal diocese.

 

[AGBF]

The *JESUITS* are lax? They were always the MOST doctrinaire! It is the Franciscans who were relaxed! Think of who Saint Francis was...gentle and loving!

As for the religious stuff: you've heard just about everything there is to say. Why would you care which of the opinions I share?

Deborah

 

[abradabra]

Perhaps "lax" was a poor choice of words. However, I understood it was traditional for the Jesuits to be more critical of the hierarchy of Catholic Church, of the rules, etc. Now they are obviously still intensely devout, they are just less into the structure of things (their big principles are spirituality and education, which are very abstract and non-doctrinal). The Franciscan also tend to be very introspective, as confession and their version of the rosary are the two "things" they are most know for.

That being said, I guess it also depends on diocese you are exposed to and the individual priests, more than anything.

Okay, this has gotten really far off topic. Back to the point of the topic, can you get your marriage okayed by the Catholic CHurch if you don't marry under their rules? Yes. Should you let your family force you to have a particular type of ceremony? No (my opinion, at least).

 

[fire&ice]

Deb, St. Francis was a Jesuit. And, yes, I am certain that most Jesuits are more relaxed. All this stuff is quite fresh in my mind. We were married by a Jesuit priest. I can assure you, he was significantly more liberal in enforcing the party line.

 

[AGBF]

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On 10/22/2004 11:01:03 AM fire&ice wrote:

Deb, St. Francis was a Jesuit.

Well...I must give you your due, F&I. I didn't know that. But he had to be *something* since there were no Franciscans before he came along. I mean, Henry VIII was a Catholic before he became head of the Church of England he founded, and Jesus was a Jew throughout his *ENTIRE* life.

That said, I won't let you say the Franciscans aren't relaxed. When I was in my 20s I once (in the same week, mind you) served sausages to the Third Order of Franciscans on Ash Wednesday (which they ate, feeling it would be sinful to waste food) AND chicken stuffed with sausage stuffing to some Israeli friends. (They opted for the other chicken, stuffed with chestnut.)

Deb, feeling full of anecdotal evidence

 

[fire&ice]

Deb, I trump your one experience. Mine is a life time.

Priests really come in all ranges of conservatism.

 

[goldengirl]

Heh heh...I think you should elope and then tell them you got married.

Hell, you're gonna piss off somebody no matter what you do. Might as well piss off EVERYBODY, then you both have equally-pissed-off parents and you don't have to add in hurt feelings if one party feels like their opinion mattered less.

Edited to add: well now I feel stupid for not checking the posting date, especially considering we've had so many ancient threads being resurrected lately and I mentally poke fun of the dumb people who respond to them. Bad, bad Bekkah.

But that's still what I'd do.

 

[Nicrez]

Actually, we are having two weddings, one here with a "Catholic" priest or someone closer to my religion, and then some time this up coming year, I will travel to his parent's country, where we will get married according to their religion, and with about 300 or so of his family's closest friends and family... His parents will pay for that ceremony, so we are paying for our American ceremony...

So, technically, I need to find a "Christian" priest to marry us here. His religion dictates a few days of ceremony, so we are not having any of that here, so technically, it's just one priest needed...

I just wanted to make sure I pre-emptively took care of the whole religion thing, before we had kids... That way I wouldn't have such issues to deal with later. My mother actually scared me (which she is very good at doing) by saying that if I didn't marry in a church and have a certificate from the church, I couldn't raise my kid Catholic, according to the church (or at least send them to religious classes - CCD).

I will try a jesuit priest, but you'll forgive my stupidity, but what are the differences between a Catholic, Jesuit and the other Christian faiths? Raised as a Catholic (Father was non-practising Baptist), I learned very little about the other Christian religions...

 

[abradabra]

Nicrez,

Catholicism is just one religion (unlike Protestantism) but it has different groups with shared beliefs/focuses in it. The Jesuits are Catholic priests. Basically, a priest attends seminary school before becoming ordained. If he decides he wants to join one of the "orders" of priests (and monks, who are not ordained, like nuns), he goes through an extra period of study and "training" of sort to join the order. Other common orders include the Franciscans and the Dominicans. As a vaguely interesting aside, the Jesuits are generally known for education; most (but not all) Catholic academic institutions are Jesuit (Georgetown, Loyola, BC, etc.).

In addition, there are "groups" within the Church that allow lay people to join, Opus Dei is the most famous example of this, thanks to Dan Brown's depiction of them in the Da Vinci Code. The best analogy I can give you for these groups is like how each political party has groups within it. Young Democrats are still Democrats, they just banded together to focus on a specific set of issues. These orders and groups are similar, they are all still Catholics, they just focus on certain issue areas and espouse certain theological theories.

As for the other Christian faiths (Episcopalian, Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Congregationalist, etc.), the biggest difference between the Protestants and the Catholics is the Pope. Protestants have no one individual that is leader of their international churches. There are also significant belief differences between both the Protestants and the Catholics and within the different Protestant faiths. Each Protestant faith is a distinct entity/sect. The Episcopalians are the closest to the Catholics, as they were derived from the Anglican Church.

One thing that might calm you down a bit about the baptism issue is that the Catholic Church recognizes any Christian baptism where the Holy Trinity and water are used in the ceremony (this pretty much only excludes Mormon baptisms, if I understand correctly). I don't know how much more complicated this could make your child's confirmation, but they would accept a baptism from another Christian faith. I'm not totally sure about this, but I think around 13 or so, a child can choose to convert to Catholicism. When I went through RCIA (the adult conversion process), there was a woman whose young daughter was converting too, as part of what appeared to be the regular confirmation of Catholic children. But I didn't pay that much attention to the details of her daughter's program, so my info is somewhat unreliable.

Eep! This is too long...

Let me know if you have any other questions.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/25/2004 12:11:38 PM abradabra wrote:

Nicrez,

As a vaguely interesting aside, the Jesuits are generally known for education; most (but not all) Catholic academic institutions are Jesuit (Georgetown, Loyola, BC, etc.).

Let me know if you have any other questions.----------------

Pretty much sums it up. And, yes the Jesuits (even on primary education levels) are the teaching order. I've always wondered if that is why they are less strict; as, academia in general is more liberal.

Nic, would Rand be from India? I know their celebrations last days.