Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Home relationship advice: what would you do?

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
A

anony

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 21, 2009
Messages
7
Hi. I''m a fairly regular poster, but I created an annoymous account because I have friends that might stumble across this post and I don''t want them to know about this personal issue I''m going through.

My husband and I have been married for less than a year, but we have been together for about 6. I left him at about three years, because he said he didn''t know what he wanted (I wanted marriage, he wasn''t sure) and then he made up his mind that marriage was what he wanted and proposed a few months later.

About two months ago he told me that he was no longer happy in our relationship and he feels like something is missing but he doesn''t know what that is. He says he still cares about me and he''s trying to figure out why he''s not happy and what is missing. We tried counseling separately, we tried it together and we have gotten nowhere. We try to talk on our own, without a counselor, and we just talk in circles and get nowhere. He''s been staying at his parents while I''ve been staying at home, and when we do get together to try and talk it''s painfully awkward and just heartbreaking.

I''m hurt and frustrated and I just don''t know what to do at this point. This is the second time he''s had doubts about our relationship and I''m starting to think this might be a lifelong issue, where he flip flops about knowing what he wants and then not knowing what he wants.

I guess I''m just looking for some feedback as to what some of you might do if you were in this same situation. Any responses would be appreciated.
 
Hmm from your post it doesn''t appear that the problem here is you, so I don''t think there is anything you can do the save the marriage. You mentioned that your DH still cares for you, but you didn''t say that he *loves* you.

My advice may sound grim, but you haven''t been married that long, and if you see this pattern emerging that every couple of years he causes an upheaval in your home by saying something is missing, and he''s no longer in love -- get out while you''re still young, and don''t have children to think about.

Actions have consequences, and flip flopping about your commitment to your partner and marriage has very serious consequences. In the course of long relationships, I''m sure most people reflect on theirs and have doubts here and there, but they figure it out, and don''t necessarily hurt their partner by voicing them. I''m not sure if your DH is having some sort of verbal diarrhea or if he has given this a lot of thought.

I do wonder if this is stress induced? Are you guys going through a particularly stressful time (aside from DH proclaiming something is missing)?
 
Hi anony, I agree with everything Brooklyngirl said. I''m sorry that you are facing such tough choices right now.
 
Thanks brooklyngirl and mayachel.

Yes, he hasn''t said that he loves me, he continues to say that he cares about me and that he''s not ready to give up on the relationship, but he doesn''t know what is going to fix all of this.

Unfortunately, it can''t be blamed on stress. He''s even said that he has everything he wants, so he doesn''t understand why he isn''t happy.

 
Hmm, this is not good. I am so sorry.

While the ball is clearly not in your plate regarding whatever your husband does or wants, it may be time to think about what you want and take control of your life rather than just keep waiting for him to make up his mind.

Can you see any way in which your husband moves back in and convinces you that he is your life partner that does not involve self-deception? Either him convincing himself or you that it is what he wants, when he really is still harboring doubts and questions? Seems like he has already convinced himself once to marry you, and that didn't work out so well.

It is possible that he *hoped* his feelings would fall nicely in line with his vows once he married you, but they didn't and now here you are.

Absent any signs of depression, mental illness, large doses of outside stress that might be affecting him, I would start living my life without planning on him to return. Baby steps. Start finding things to do today, this week, next month, all to make yourself feel good and live your life without planning on him it in. Will be really hard at first, but hasn't this whole counseling/doubts/separation thing been really hard?

And as soon as you are able, start taking steps for a formal legal separation if you haven't already. Don't need to file for divorce tomorrow, but you want to protect yourself and not neglect the practical things entirely while dealing with the difficult emotions. You can always unseparate, but at this point he has moved out.

Best of luck.
 
I've always told my FI, if he ever feels that I am no longer the woman he wants, I want to know! Period. I'm not staying with some chump who doesn't know if he loves me, but is too afraid to leave me for good.

Your husband may be confused, and he may be coming from what he thinks is a good place, but the fact that he doesn't know if he wants to be with you anymore, that would my dealbreaker. Marriages go through ups and downs but when they do, a husband and wife should lean on oneanother for support. You're trying to get in, and he's leaving you in the cold. I can't tell you to leave, but I urge you to ask yourself if you're willing to do this again in 5 years, because it could very well happen again.

I can't even imagine the hurt you're going through right now. Please don't let someone dictate your happiness. You deserve more than this. If you want to keep pulling for this marriage, I understand, but please, think long and hard about your future. I don't know if children are in your plans, but if they are, imagine doing this again years down the road with a small children.
 
This is a tough one. I''m sorry for what you''re going through. I''m not sure what you can do but continue individual therapy to help support you ... especially until you''re ready to tell family/friends. Seems like you''d want all the support possible right now. Folks have seen a lot these days -- it takes a lot to surprise people. I''m sure they''d want to know & be able to be there for you during such a difficult, confusing, disappointing time.
 
Hi there,

I feel sad for you. I think I might understand the pain and confusion you must feel.

Whatever is going on around you it is important that you understand what *you* want. It is very easy to get caught up in what your DH wants or needs, be sure you remember what you want.

Two thought come to my mind:

1. What is his history? If he had a turbulant past it may be possible he is testing your staying power. If this were an option is depends on his motives as to whether you accept it. If he needs reassurance of love and your staying power then maybe you could work on it.
It might be possible also that he has abusive tendencies and is trying to control you, holding his love as collateral.

2. You are a long time dead. I heard recently somebody say - when you are dead 100 years you have not begun to be dead. Do you see yourself in this cycle in 25 years time, 35, 45? If it does not improve, every year you stay you reduce your happiness. You may also find happiness in another man in years to come - love freely given.
 
anony, so sorry to hear you are going through this. It has to have been an agonizing few months to have this pop up just a few months into the marriage.

can i ask a few more questions:
* how did the engagement process come about? was he waffling and pressured at all?
*what have been his consistent "issues" meaning, is it his fear of commitment, bad parenting examples, doesn''t want kids, suspicious of marriage, etc.? Usually these issues come up repeatedly and do not come out of left field. I''m sure some of this was brought up in counseling.

I do have a friend who was married 7-8 years and her husband said something similar out of no where. Said he didn''t think he wanted to be married anymore (huh??). It was triggered by the talk of kids though (after 8 years, she couldn''t be put it off anymore). He went to all the counseling, but really, he was doing it out of guilt only b/c his mind was made up. Soon after he found his own bachelor apartment and it was a rough divorce. So random..and who knows what else he had going on, but it was a total shock to her. I share this to show how it is better to deal with this now, rather than 7 yrs from now when there are fewer options and more invested.

I''m not sure what other advice to offer except echo the others and encourage you to consider getting out now. While they say the first year of marriage is the toughest, it shouldn''t come to this. I am sorry though and we''re here to lend an ear and give some more feedback if it helps.
 
First of all, I want to express how truly sorry I am that you''ve found yourself in this situation. If your posting is any reflection of how you''re handling yourself in the face of this, you appear to be coping with so much grace.

While this may sound unkind--please know that that isn''t my intention. But, sometimes marriages don''t work out...and it isn''t always a reflection of you or the work you''ve put into it. It''s said that the first year of marriage is the hardest...it''s the place where you learn to become a unit and thrive together. But it''s also a point in time where some people realize marriage isn''t for them and they aren''t "cut out" for it.

I think all you can do right now is deal in the facts. Protecting yourself should become a goal. I would strongly suggest getting your personal effects in order...speak with a lawyer, find out what the legal ramifications would be...overall, simply prepare yourself. I am not saying it would ever, ever come to that...but if he''s pulling away, it would never hurt you to be in a place of knowledge and readiness.

And I want to say...that although this hurts like hell...you deserve better. You may feel like the ball is totally in his court...but it''s not...you have opportunity to choose for yourself whats best. You have the ability to say "for better or for worse I''m toughing it out until we just can''t" or you can say "I am better than this, I deserve more than this, and I''m going to get my happy ending with or without you". It''s much easier said than done...obviously...but don''t lose sight of the fact that this is your life--and you still have the power to make decisions...you don''t have to sit around and wait for him to decide your future.

I wish you the absolute best...and I''m so sad for you because this is just awful....but please know you''re not alone, you have lots of support here--and we''re always going to be on your side.
 
Italia, that was beautifully said.
 
I don''t have any advice . . . However, I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you.
 
You''ve gotten some great advice here. I''m sorry you''re going through this and I hope you find the path to resolution and healing as soon as possible.

Remember, we''re always here for you in whatever way we can help...
 
Wow. Thank you everyone for your responses. I can''t tell you how much it helps to just get some outside advice.

Cara, I have thought those exact things. That he has just convinced himself that this was something he wanted, instead of actually feeling it. He told the counselor that he isn''t depressed. That he is happy around his friends and at his job, the issue is in our marriage, with me. That was really tough to swallow. That he is happy around everyone and everything except for me.

Bia, that''s exactly what I''m afraid of. Even if we do figure things out this time, what happens a few years down the line and we''ve maybe had a child? That would be even more horrible than the situation that we are in now.

Thank you Decodelighted. I consider myself a pretty private person, but I have told two of my best friends of the troubles that we''re having. They are very supportive and are shocked that our marriage has taken this turn.

Steel, you raise some good questions. I don''t believe that he is testing my staying power and he knows how much I love him. Sadly, I do see us in this cycle again.

Janinegirly, I would say that that once we hit the two year mark in our relationship I started asking about marriage. He kept saying he wasn''t ready for it. I finally decided after year three that he would probably never be ready for it, so I moved out and tried to move on. He kept persuing me and eventually he proposed to me. His persistant issues are that he wasn''t ready for marriage, but when he proposed I believed that he was. He also is not ready for children, but I am not pressuring him about that.

Italiahaircolor, thank you so much. I did not think your words sounded unkind. Everything that you and everyone else has said has gone through my head many times. I do know that I deserve better than this, even my husband has said that I deserve better than how he''s treated me and he''s just trying to figure out how he can do it. It really does hurt like hell. I have always considered myself a strong woman, someone not to put up with a lot of crap and if we weren''t married I''d be gone. I think about that phrase, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." But at the same time I took my vows very seriously when I said them and I am struggling with what the right thing to do is.

Thank you again everyone. I really do appreciate it.
 
anony, I''m so sorry you''re in such a bad place right now
8.gif
. I wanted to comment taking your vows seriously. I think you''re taking them very seriously, but remember that apply to both people, and one person cannot keep their vows if the other isn''t. In this case, your husband has broken his vows.

I''m sad that your husband is in effect blaming you for his unhappiness. He didn''t expressly say it in counseling, but by saying that he''s happy with everyone else but you, he''s placing the blame squarely on you.

When I first read your post, I had an inking that this may be the beginning stages of abuse. He now has all the power in the relationship, and is holding love at ransom. It really irks me that he is saying he "still cares" for you. You care for your friends, your goldfish, your pets, but for a wife, anything short of "in love" doesn''t come close to cutting it.
 
Another issue I''m seeing is this "I don''t know" business. It''s really hard for me to believe that he really doesn''t know why he feels unhappy with you. He knows, or at least has some idea, but doesn''t want to admit to you or himself.
 
Gosh, anony, this is just so horrible. To be brutally honest, it sounds like he doesn't want to be married b/c of some underlying issue. I don't want to guess what that might be but he may just be the type that never should have married and convinced himself otherwise rather than lose you. It's terribly unfair to you. It seems like you were engaged for at least a year, and he should have raised these feelings then, rather than now! It doesn't seem like he wants children either, so that would be another battle and could trigger similar reactions if you stayed together.

What has the counselor said--has she/he identified any potential issue? How about when you go on your own?

I'm glad you have those 2 friends IRL to lean on--those are friends for life. I wonder what his family is saying to him.
 
Date: 5/21/2009 4:00:37 PM
Author: anony

That he is happy around his friends and at his job, the issue is in our marriage, with me. That was really tough to swallow. That he is happy around everyone and everything except for me.
Click to expand...
console2.gif


Oh honey.

That was a bitter pill.

If it were me. On hearing that I would call it a day.

So I would explain to him that unless he changed his attitude we would be working towards a dissolution. I mean what in hell could you be doing to make him sooooooo miserable. He sounds like a twat.

ETA: Any chance he might be suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - a common symptom is emotional detatchment from a spouse.
 
I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I believe you have put 100% of yourself into trying to make this work out, and I highly respect you for doing that. I agree with much of what has already been said. I don''t think there''s any blame or shame on getting out of this marriage now. You''ve worked hard, and he is the problem for whatever his reasoning. He may never ever be truly happy in his life or relationships. It happens. Take care of you. I wish you all the best for the future.
 
Unfortunately your husband is one of those people who have a sense of entitlement and have seen too damn many movies telling him he "can have it all". Helloooo, no, you probably won''t have it all. Welcome to the real world bozo. It makes me want to hunt him down and b*tchslap him silly.
29.gif


Obviously you are the sort of person who will hang in there trying to be honorable and all that. I don''t have any advice for you at this point. You''ve done the counseling. Just know that it''s not up to you to make him happy !!!

He''s supposed to do that for himself. If being married to you isn''t contributing to his happiness, then he made a great big mistake and I guess we''re all grateful that he came to that conclusion before you started a family
38.gif
You know me, I''d kick him to the curb and get on with my life...but I''m not going to say that''s the right thing for you. I think it''s a question of 1. how long will it take him to grow up, and 2. will he always view his marriage as something he "settled" for? I know you deserve better than that, so he needs to make up his mind.
20.gif
 
I''m sorry you''re going through such a heartbreaking situation.

I''d probably offer different advice if your husband hadn''t bailed on you twice, but he has. Do you want to stick with a marriage where you''ll always wonder if there''s a third breakup in your future? I can''t answer that; only you can. And if you feel the two of you have done all you can to change the situation (and by that I mean everything you can do as a couple) and he still feels the same way, there''s not much else you alone can do. Your choice is either to take steps toward divorce or figure out how long you''re willing to wait to see if he can find his way back to the marriage on his own. If you''re separated for longer than 6 months though, I''d say he''s never going to solve whatever his problem is or maybe he doesn''t want to.

And I agree you deserve to be treated better than this. Much, much better.
 
Date: 5/21/2009 4:00:37 PM
Author: anony
Italiahaircolor, thank you so much. I did not think your words sounded unkind. Everything that you and everyone else has said has gone through my head many times. I do know that I deserve better than this, even my husband has said that I deserve better than how he's treated me and he's just trying to figure out how he can do it. It really does hurt like hell. I have always considered myself a strong woman, someone not to put up with a lot of crap and if we weren't married I'd be gone. I think about that phrase, 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.' But at the same time I took my vows very seriously when I said them and I am struggling with what the right thing to do is.

Thank you again everyone. I really do appreciate it.
Click to expand...
Anony, I wanted to come back and touch on some of the things you responded...

Of course your husband is telling you that "you deserve better". One, he knows what he's doing is wrong in the terms of how he's behaving and handling his feelings. It's not "natural" to cause people pain, and I'm sure he has a lot of guilt over how he's treating you in the wake of his unhappiness. Secondly, he's saying you deserve better because you do. I'm sure there is a part of him that doesn't know what to say to you....what he has done in the past year is the ultimate form of leading someone on...and there is absolutely no excuse for that.

Secondly....no bride on their wedding day stands at the alter thinking a year from now they will faced with making life changing decisions when it comes to their marriage. You say your vows in perfect faith that you'll happy and that the obsticles that will come won't be insurmountable. But sometimes, life gets in the way of your very best intentions. Then, you need think about self presevation. Marriage only works when two are equally committed and willing to push forward come hell or high water....it is impossible to believe that one person can carry that weight alone. It is okay to put yourself first regardless of your wedding vows...you can love him, but you need to love yourself more.

Trust is a keystone in a marriage. If you can fix this overtime, where will your trust level be? Will you ever fully forgive him for putting this doubt in your mind? Will you forever wait for the other shoe to drop? Could you move forward with your life together and never fear that this incident will come around again? These are important questions to ask yourself...be fair and honest.

I've said this a million times on this site...but it's so true...when a man let you in and shows you who he is, you need to pay attention to that--no matter how painful it is. You may learn things you never wanted to know, but thats the reality of life--it isn't always pretty.

You cannot "fix" someone and you cannot make someone "love" you. So please, let go of your guilt. The only fault you have in this is the fact that you trusted someone you love, and there is very little fault in that.
 
Date: 5/21/2009 4:58:50 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Unfortunately your husband is one of those people who have a sense of entitlement and have seen too damn many movies telling him he ''can have it all''. Helloooo, no, you probably won''t have it all. Welcome to the real world bozo. It makes me want to hunt him down and b*tchslap him silly.
29.gif


Obviously you are the sort of person who will hang in there trying to be honorable and all that. I don''t have any advice for you at this point. You''ve done the counseling. Just know that it''s not up to you to make him happy !!!

He''s supposed to do that for himself. If being married to you isn''t contributing to his happiness, then he made a great big mistake and I guess we''re all grateful that he came to that conclusion before you started a family
38.gif
You know me, I''d kick him to the curb and get on with my life...but I''m not going to say that''s the right thing for you. I think it''s a question of 1. how long will it take him to grow up, and 2. will he always view his marriage as something he ''settled'' for? I know you deserve better than that, so he needs to make up his mind.
20.gif
Click to expand...
I have to agree.
 
i''m with purr.......at this point, i wouldn''t be able to trust him....and i wouldn''t want to have a child with a man i can''t trust to be there fore ME much less ME AND OUR CHILD. at this point, its what can he possibly do to redeem himself in your eyes so that you can ever trust him again? i think he wants out and just doesn''t have the guts to say it and is waiting for you to do it.

mz
 
Date: 5/21/2009 2:16:27 PM
Author:anony
Hi. I''m a fairly regular poster, but I created an annoymous account because I have friends that might stumble across this post and I don''t want them to know about this personal issue I''m going through.

My husband and I have been married for less than a year, but we have been together for about 6. I left him at about three years, because he said he didn''t know what he wanted (I wanted marriage, he wasn''t sure) and then he made up his mind that marriage was what he wanted and proposed a few months later.

About two months ago he told me that he was no longer happy in our relationship and he feels like something is missing but he doesn''t know what that is. He says he still cares about me and he''s trying to figure out why he''s not happy and what is missing. We tried counseling separately, we tried it together and we have gotten nowhere. We try to talk on our own, without a counselor, and we just talk in circles and get nowhere. He''s been staying at his parents while I''ve been staying at home, and when we do get together to try and talk it''s painfully awkward and just heartbreaking.

I''m hurt and frustrated and I just don''t know what to do at this point. This is the second time he''s had doubts about our relationship and I''m starting to think this might be a lifelong issue, where he flip flops about knowing what he wants and then not knowing what he wants.

I guess I''m just looking for some feedback as to what some of you might do if you were in this same situation. Any responses would be appreciated.
Click to expand...

Hi,
I''m very sorry you''re going through this. I haven''t read all the other posts so sorry if I''m repeating others.

It sounds like this issue is really about him. I think, if it were me, I would have to try and let him go.
I say this partly b/c I was in a situation, shortly before my initial wedding date, where my then FI wanted to call off our wedding. We did call it off, had a very difficult and extremely painful period where we had some counseling, quit counseling, I started counseling on my own and finally ended up deciding to stay together and did get married. I know that I could never go through that sort of turmoil again.
What that period taught me was to trust myself more, to value myself more and do what feels right to me.

I see my experience somewhat like your first experience where you left b/c he had doubts. I can imagine that must''ve been incredibly painful. I would probably feel like my husband never really worked through his issues, his doubts and concerns. I can''t imagine that I would be able to continue if he came around again. That''s just too much risk that I could handle. Working through *my* first experience was very hard, and I would not be able to do it again. I would not be able to trust again or commit myself entirely to someone who could do the same thing to me again... not knowing what it did to me the first time.

So, I know I put my experience into your situation but your post really reminded me of what happened to me. I hope it didn''t make it more confusing. Now, all of that being said, I would never say to you to leave. That has to be your choice. I strongly believe that people should do what feels right to them. Maybe you could try seeing a counselor, for yourself, to help you make a decision about what to do.

Good luck and so sorry!
 
Bless your heart. I am sorry you are having these troubles. Seek counseling for yourself. You need someone to talk to who can help you work through your feelings so you can determine how to proceed.
 
I don''t have any advice to add (the previous posters have pretty much covered it), I just wanted to say you need to take care of yourself emotional and mentally right now. Make sure you don''t end up putting him first in everything.
 
I''m so sorry that you are in this situation. I agree with the other posters... although I also take marriage vows seriously in the sense that I am willing to *work with* my partner to overcome almost anything, I would not be willing or interested in continuing a relationship with a man who had behaved the way that you describe your husband as behaving. I couldn''t trust him and certainly would not want to have kids with him. A small but significant percentage of marriages end in the first year -- 7% to be exact. And I would wager that in many of those cases there were issues boiling before marriage that one or both members of the couple thought would disappear after marriage. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. I also strongly believe that whatever issues are causing your husbands feelings, they will not go away easily, and he down''t sound all that motivated anyway. He will probably not permanently change and become the devoted spouse you want and deserve. I am sorry to say that it sounds like it may be time to move along.

One thing to note, if you do decide to separate, he will most likely some back begging at some point. He did before and losing you again may prompt a similar reaction. Still, I doubt that the result over time would be very different were you to take him back again.

Once again, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I hope you can rely on your friends and family in real life to support you through whatever course of action you choose.
 
I''m very sorry that you''re in this situation. I''m sure it must be frustrating and disappointing and bewildering... and extremely painful. Please take care of yourself as you decide how to deal with this situation, including seeking counseling or other emotional support. I trust you know that this is not a failure on your part -- it''s your husband''s failure to be honest with you about his real feelings. I would say he probably wasn''t being honest with himself either, but it''s late and I''m just not feeling that charitable, and besides, there''s cowardice and self-centeredness written all over what you''ve told us about his part in this. Other than that, I can''t add to what the others have already posted. Please take care of yourself.
 
Totally agree with what all the others said - especially Italia. This sounds like a devastatingly difficult situation, but you need to start protecting yourself - legally and financially as well as emotionally.

I think your husband''s situation is particularly striking because its the opposite of what it seems to me should be the case in a marriage. As an example, my DH has struggled with depression, especially over the last year or so, exacerbated severely by a miserable, high pressure, incredibly stressful job that leaves him almost no time or energy for anything else. This has understandably affected our relationship. We''ve been to counseling and had a lot of difficult discussions while dealing with it, but throughout it all, he was CRYSTAL clear that I was the best thing in his life, and that our marriage was an unmitigated positive force for him. If that''s not true, it seems to me that it defeats the purpose of being married - if your spouse isn''t a support and a help through difficulties, but rather the source of unhappiness, I can''t imagine what either of you can get out of staying.

I don''t meant that to sound harsh, because this is certainly not your fault. This man has clearly been dishonest with himself, and possibly with you as well. He is now being manipulative and controlling, as others have noted, but basically holding love ransom.

I''m so sorry you are in this situation, but he and everyone else here are right: you deserve so much better, and I have no doubt that better is out there for you, you just need the courage and the strength to go and find it, which I am sure you will find.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top