Home relationship advice: what would you do?

[anony]

Thank you all again for your continuous support and advice on this. It''s difficult hearing all of these things, but at the same time, I''ve thought all of these things that have been said. I just wish there was a way to know for sure that whatever I decide to do is the right thing to do. I am going to see the counselor again by myself today and try to make sense of all of this.

Brooklyngirl, I completely agree with you that he must know, at least have some inkling, as to why he is so unhappy. The "i don''t know" is completely frustrating and I wish that he would just be honest with me and himself as to what is missing or making him so unhappy.

Janinegirly, when we went to counseling together, the counselor couldn''t seem to make sense of the things that he was saying. He kept asking him, if things changed this way, how would he feel then and all he could continue to say was "I don''t know." I certainly am thankful for my friends too and I wonder what his family is saying too!

Steel, you calling him a twat made me laugh. He certainly is acting that way. And it could be possible that he is dealing with some PTSD. His job is one where he sees some awful things sometimes, but he never discusses it with me.

Lyra, thanks for your kind words.

Purrfectpear, I completely agree with you on the things that you''ve said. I keep saying that same thing, that he should have figured all of this stuff out before he married me, not after.

Rainwood, thank you. I know I deserve much better than this. It''s crazy because if I were to respond to a post like this one, I would probably say the same thing. It just feels so much harder when you''re in the situation and dealing with so many different factors.

Italiahaircolor, the trust thing is something that I am definitely struggling with. I know myself, and I know that I don''t know if I could ever fully trust him again. I think this would be something that might always be in the back of my mind and I''d always be wondering if this might happen again.

Justjulia and Moviezombie, I agree too. I actually brought that up to my husband, that I think he just wants out and that he''s just too scared to do it. He didn''t have any response to that. But then he continues to tell me that he''s not ready to give up on the relationship. Talk about mixed signals.

Dixie94, I''m so sorry you''ve been through something similar. I am actually going to the counselor again today to try and figure out what''s best.

Cinnamon013, thank you. I agree with you.

Adah, I am definitely trying to take care of myself emotionally right now and I am definitely putting myself first before him at this time.

Dreamer_Dachsie, you are right. I actually did try ending it about a week ago, saying that I was done and couldn''t take it anymore, and that same day he left me flowers and a card at the house saying he wanted to make things work. It was the first time during this whole ordeal that he showed he cared like that. But it took me saying it was over for him to do it. I agree that I think he is acting totally self-centered and a bit like a coward.

VRBeauty, thank you. It really is frustrating, disappointing, confusing...a whole range of emotions. I am trying to take care of myself and I''m hoping that the counselor will be able to help me with all that I''m struggling with right now too.

 

[anony]

Date: 5/26/2009 2:10:43 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
Totally agree with what all the others said - especially Italia. This sounds like a devastatingly difficult situation, but you need to start protecting yourself - legally and financially as well as emotionally.

I think your husband''s situation is particularly striking because its the opposite of what it seems to me should be the case in a marriage. As an example, my DH has struggled with depression, especially over the last year or so, exacerbated severely by a miserable, high pressure, incredibly stressful job that leaves him almost no time or energy for anything else. This has understandably affected our relationship. We''ve been to counseling and had a lot of difficult discussions while dealing with it, but throughout it all, he was CRYSTAL clear that I was the best thing in his life, and that our marriage was an unmitigated positive force for him. If that''s not true, it seems to me that it defeats the purpose of being married - if your spouse isn''t a support and a help through difficulties, but rather the source of unhappiness, I can''t imagine what either of you can get out of staying.

I don''t meant that to sound harsh, because this is certainly not your fault. This man has clearly been dishonest with himself, and possibly with you as well. He is now being manipulative and controlling, as others have noted, but basically holding love ransom.

I''m so sorry you are in this situation, but he and everyone else here are right: you deserve so much better, and I have no doubt that better is out there for you, you just need the courage and the strength to go and find it, which I am sure you will find.

AmberGretchen, you are right. I know you are right. I''m so sorry about your husbands depression but I''m so glad that he sees that you are the best thing in his life.

 

[Burk]

You''ve gotten a lot of good advice so I won''t repeat. Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you''re going through!

 

[anony]

Thanks Burk. I appreciate it.

 

[Allison D.]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, A.

I think one of the hardest things in a relationship is knowing that something isn't working but not knowing how to improve it.

From the history you've given, he wasn't ready for marriage but didn't want to lose you, either. It sounds as though he tried to hasten himself into 'being ready' to avoid losing you; perhaps he set aside his misgivings in hopes that once he acted, they'd disappear.....and they haven't.

That he can't point to specific things that are making him unhappy (behavior issues, personality issues) really makes me think he's coming to the realization that 'deciding' to become ready and actually BEING ready aren't the same thing and that he's made a mistake.

The fact that he's staying at his parents is troublesome to me because it somewhat mimics what you've been through before. He didn't decide to become ready for marriage until you had moved on and he had to be without you, and now he's staying at his parents (i.e. being without you) to figure out if he wants to return to you. He's saying he wants to "make it work", but if he truly were ready for marriage, shouldn't that mean staying and work on it WITH you as a team instead of trying to work it out on his own (apart from you)?

I understand that you took your vows seriously, but on the other hand, it takes two to make a relationship work. All the hard work in the world on your end won't be successful if he doesn't want it just as badly. Relationships can withstand brief lapses of faith in each other for short periods of time, but a fundamental and profound loss of faith in one's partner makes a relationship difficult to sustain. It sounds to me like that may be where this is heading for you.....your faith in his commitment to this marriage and to you is in serious jeopardy and may not be restorable.

I don't know what your outcome will be; all I can recommend is to be very honest with yourself. If he decides he wants to stay in the marriage, will you be able to put your trust and confidence in him? Or will you be waiitng until the 'other shoe' drops again down the line? If it's the latter, I'd think long and hard about what that means for you and whether you want to possibly endure this again.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope that you come to the right solution for you.

 

[janinegirly]

Anony, just curious how you were doing (if you''re still checking in..).

Hope you''re managing and doing ok.

 

[Mara]

"He''s even said that he has everything he wants, so he doesn''t understand why he isn''t happy."

______________

When I came across this line...it made me think well obviously he doesnt have everything he wants. Or else he wouldn''t be feeling this way.

What people THINK they want and what they really want sometimes can be two different things. My ex was a great guy and he adored me. I WANTED to love him more than I did and in a different way. But it just wasn''t there. After trying for a long time, we just called it quits and thank goodness because I met my husband 6 months later. I''m not saying this is your situation, but in that particular situ, I thought he was everything I wanted and I should be happy. But I just wasn''t.

It''s horrible to have a marriage in distress...I am not sure what to tell you other than I don''t believe in the wishy-washy ''I''m not happy but don''t know why'' thing. He probably has an inkling why. It may or may not be you. But it sounds like he might need to get some counseling to help him figure out what HE wants and/or maybe how to voice what he really wants if he already knows. Whether or not you want to wait around for him while he does that is up to you. Regardless, I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[Steel]

Date: 6/2/2009 4:32:46 PM
Author: Mara
''He''s even said that he has everything he wants, so he doesn''t understand why he isn''t happy.''

______________

When I came across this line...it made me think well obviously he doesnt have everything he wants. Or else he wouldn''t be feeling this way.

What people THINK they want and what they really want sometimes can be two different things. My ex was a great guy and he adored me. I WANTED to love him more than I did and in a different way. But it just wasn''t there. After trying for a long time, we just called it quits and thank goodness because I met my husband 6 months later. I''m not saying this is your situation, but in that particular situ, I thought he was everything I wanted and I should be happy. But I just wasn''t.

It''s horrible to have a marriage in distress...I am not sure what to tell you other than I don''t believe in the wishy-washy ''I''m not happy but don''t know why'' thing. He probably has an inkling why. It may or may not be you. But it sounds like he might need to get some counseling to help him figure out what HE wants and/or maybe how to voice what he really wants if he already knows. Whether or not you want to wait around for him while he does that is up to you. Regardless, I am sorry you are going through this.

I do not agree. Paricularly if there is a chance he may be suffering from PTSD; he may not know what he knows or thinks.

Anony,

It is possible your DH is working through issues; he just needs to work harder and continue with the therapy. Then it is up to you if you want to stay, wait or go.

You mentioned he is involved with difficult issues at work but does not really confide in you. I know some employers provide free therapy for their employees to discuss traumatic incidents. Does your DH have a similar service? Would he use it? Are you aware that he was involved with any recent trauma(s)?

 

[Lilac]

I''m so sorry you''re going through this.

I think it''s important to keep reminding yourself that if you decide to end this marriage it has nothing to do with how serious/not serious you were about your wedding vows - you showed how serious you WERE about them when you tried to work with him, talk to him, go to therapy by yourself and with him, and tried your hardest to fix this marriage. You aren''t supposed to be unhappy in your marriage, and if he is not willing to work on it or if it simply can''t be fixed, it is NOT your fault.

I think you definitely should lean on friends and family as much as you''re comfortable with at this difficult time. You deserve to be loved and cherished by your husband - and if he is not doing that and keeps having these commitment issues, then you should find someone who will provide you with the happiness you deserve.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I think you will do the right thing. You have to think of the "you" and no longer think the ''us''. This reminds me of the time when I was dating a guy when I was in my mid 20''s. We have been off and on for about a year and then on for a while and he started talking about moving in together. I think he freaked himself out a bit and then he pulled way back. We went from together alot to together one full weekend a month and it felt more like a booty call than anything else. After a while, it hurt more than it made me feel good. I think when you are an emotionally healthy person, that is what happens after a while.

You will know when to end it and it sounds flippant but it is SOOOO much easier to do when there are no children involved.

 

[KimberlyH]

Anony, I have no better advice than what has been offered, I just hope that you find some peace in the midst of all of this. Marriage is a commitment every day to love and give to and value another person, I hope that your husband comes to realize this before it is too late as it sounds as though you love him very much. There''s no such things as perfect, but it certainly can be wonderful when two people are equally committed. My best to you.

 

[Mara]

Date: 6/2/2009 5:11:57 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 6/2/2009 4:32:46 PM

Author: Mara

''He''s even said that he has everything he wants, so he doesn''t understand why he isn''t happy.''


______________


When I came across this line...it made me think well obviously he doesnt have everything he wants. Or else he wouldn''t be feeling this way.


What people THINK they want and what they really want sometimes can be two different things. My ex was a great guy and he adored me. I WANTED to love him more than I did and in a different way. But it just wasn''t there. After trying for a long time, we just called it quits and thank goodness because I met my husband 6 months later. I''m not saying this is your situation, but in that particular situ, I thought he was everything I wanted and I should be happy. But I just wasn''t.


It''s horrible to have a marriage in distress...I am not sure what to tell you other than I don''t believe in the wishy-washy ''I''m not happy but don''t know why'' thing. He probably has an inkling why. It may or may not be you. But it sounds like he might need to get some counseling to help him figure out what HE wants and/or maybe how to voice what he really wants if he already knows. Whether or not you want to wait around for him while he does that is up to you. Regardless, I am sorry you are going through this.

I do not agree. Paricularly if there is a chance he may be suffering from PTSD; he may not know what he knows or thinks.
______________

Potentially, but I tend to think that most people have some idea in their mind, but are afraid to address it or say it out loud which might make it too real.

Best of luck, anony...take care of yourself.

 

[anony]

Janinegirly, you''re so sweet. Thanks for checking up. Thank you also to Allison D., Mara, Steel, Lilac, Allisonfaye, and Kimberly H for your advice.

Well, I told my husband that I couldn''t do this anymore. We continued to get nowhere in our talks. I kept trying to imagine a scenario where if he did decide that he knew what he wanted and we got back together, how it would work. I really could not see myself ever fully trusting him again. I also realized that I do deserve better than what he''s given me throughout our relationship and I think it''s time to move on. His only response to me ending it was that his heart was broken.

I am doing ok, which is surprising. But I think once things become more final I might be in a lot worse shape.

I really do thank all of you for your support and advice. It really has helped me during this time.

PS - Steel, my husband and I were seeing the counselor that is assigned to his job. The counselor was pretty much stumped as to why my husband was acting the way he was acting. I am hoping that if he did show signs of PTSD the counselor would have caught it...

 

[AmberGretchen]

anony - thanks for updating us on your situation. I''m sorry to hear that things aren''t going to work out, but I think its really wonderful that you are doing what is right for you. In this situation, it really is the best thing you can do.

HUGE HUGS and good thoughts and prayers headed your way - you sound like a very strong and thoughtful woman, and I''m sure you will come through this better than ever, and find someone who truly deserves you and has no doubts about wanting to share his life with you.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 6/4/2009 1:34:05 PM
Author: anony
Janinegirly, you''re so sweet. Thanks for checking up. Thank you also to Allison D., Mara, Steel, Lilac, Allisonfaye, and Kimberly H for your advice.

Well, I told my husband that I couldn''t do this anymore. We continued to get nowhere in our talks. I kept trying to imagine a scenario where if he did decide that he knew what he wanted and we got back together, how it would work. I really could not see myself ever fully trusting him again. I also realized that I do deserve better than what he''s given me throughout our relationship and I think it''s time to move on. His only response to me ending it was that his heart was broken.

I am doing ok, which is surprising. But I think once things become more final I might be in a lot worse shape.

I really do thank all of you for your support and advice. It really has helped me during this time.

PS - Steel, my husband and I were seeing the counselor that is assigned to his job. The counselor was pretty much stumped as to why my husband was acting the way he was acting. I am hoping that if he did show signs of PTSD the counselor would have caught it...

I''ve been following your thread and just wanted to say that I''m sorry you are in this situation but I''m glad you are doing ok. It sounds like you''ve figured out what is best for you and are doing that. That can be a really hard thing to do in a situation like this and I think it shows your true strength. We''re always here if you need to talk or vent or whatever but you sound like a fabulous person who has a good head on her shoulders and you deserve someone who is happy with you and that you can have a happy fulfilling life with. I''ll keep you in my thoughts!

 

[Steel]

Date: 6/4/2009 1:34:05 PM
Author: anony
PS - Steel, my husband and I were seeing the counselor that is assigned to his job. The counselor was pretty much stumped as to why my husband was acting the way he was acting. I am hoping that if he did show signs of PTSD the counselor would have caught it...

Please try to trust my experience on this one...

Do not rely on the therapist paid for by his work. See an independent fully accredited therapist. I would go further and recommend a psychiatrist. I have experience here and something in your story is tingling my spidey sense.
If it is (and it sounds like it to me) PTSD, you may ''need'' to give your DH a chance he probably doesn''t deserve (in the way he has been treating you).

Whatever you choose, try to be kind to yourself.

 

[purrfectpear]

Steel could be right but my "spidey sense" is telling me that your hubby can''t tell the difference between being "heartbroken" over losing you and " heavy guilt/feeling awful" over dumping someone he doesn''t love. I''ve been the dumper and you do feel awful. Not awful about your own broken heart, but awful because you feel terribly guilty that you SHOULD be able to love someone who so clearly loves you, and guilt because there is NOTHING WRONG with the person that you don''t really love. You know you''re unhappy and you keep trying to feel the chemistry that just isn''t there. Eventually you come clean about it and hurt the other person. If you can avoid dumping them, and instead get them to dump YOU, then you feel a little less guilt.

He just isn''t in love with you. He could have handled it better but it doesn''t make him a horrible person, or a "traumatized" person IMO.

Has he said "it isn''t you, it''s me" yet

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Anony I am glad you checked in...and I''m glad you''re doing well.

I''m proud of you for standing up and make the tough decision to end things...but I think in the long run, your resolve will serve you well.

I think that there are always two ways of handling a problem....you can compound the issue, or solve it. I think, for yourself, you''ve solved it. That takes courage.

Of course your husband is heartbroken...this is a seriously heartbreaking thing...but you can both find ways to be happy now on your own terms.

Big hugs!

 

[Beacon]

Anony, you are a very courageous lady to go ahead and make the tough decisions that need to be made. From what I have read, you are doing just the right thing. You deserve someone who thinks you are the best, greatest gal in the world, not someone who is all wishy washy and (to me) kind of weak about what his personal issues are.

There are probably things wrong with him that you have zero to do with and can never fix and there is no point living your life that way. As you work past this painful time, you will have a much better life, full of options and new adventure and it will be just fine.

BTW, I know a lady who was married to a guy 15 years and that guy was sort of the same - very tentative. Well it turned out after they got divorced that his new g/f was a guy! So you never know what is really going on.

You are doing the right thing.

 

[Steel]

I''m thinking about you anony. I hope you are doing ok.