Rehearsal dinners - who did you invite?

[CNOS128]

We didn''t have a huge problem cutting down our wedding guest list to the 100 - 115 range, but what''s proving more of a problem is cutting down the rehearsal dinner list.

Our "bridal party" is immediate family that would have been invited anyway. Just between our immediate family and out of town guests we''ve got a list of 50-60 people that could actually vary quite a bit (anywhere between 35 - 55 is my guess).

Do we need to invite all of our out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner? Who did you invite?

The reason I ask is because our parents are already spending so much money on the wedding, and this rehearsal dinner business isn''t cheap! I''ve called what seems like every restaurant in Manhattan (and Brooklyn) that has a private room that fits 50 people, and the very very least we could spend is $50pp (and that one place was booked already). The more reasonable choices, with "limited open bar" (that is, wine, beer and soda) we can get for about $65-$70pp, while most places are in the $85 - $120pp range (before tax & gratuity).

I''d much rather do something smaller, at a better restaurant, but which guests can I leave off the list? Also, should a rehearsal dinner really be dinner, or could we get away with something like a wine and hors d''oeuvres night? (there are more places that could accommodate us standing rather than seated)

Thanks!!

 

[Deelight]

I could be so off base here but I always thought the rehearsal dinner was the bride, groom, bridal party and immediate family.

 

[palomablancabride]

For our RD we had wedding party and spouses, parents and grandparents. I''ve never been to a RD that included all out of town guests.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/15/2009 8:22:30 AM
Author: palomablancabride
For our RD we had wedding party and spouses, parents and grandparents. I''ve never been to a RD that included all out of town guests.

Ditto.

 

[Kellybell]

I don''t think that there are any set rules when it comes to rehearsal dinners. I have been to quite a few out of town weddings that had a dinner for the bridal party and immediate family only, and then had a cocktail reception with light appetizers afterwards for all guests. I have also been to out of town weddings where there was no rehearsal event planned for all guests. Honeslty, we were fine either way. I don''t think that people automatically expect to be invited to the rehearsal if they are traveling to the wedding.

For our own wedding this May, because our guest list is small (we are hoping to have 80-90 people), and because EVERYONE will be from out of town, we are inviting everyone to the rehearsal.

 

[galvana]

Our rehersal dinner will be like most said, wedding party and their dates, parents and grandparents. thats it

 

[CNOS128]

Ah, okay. Apparently my experience has been different than the norm. As an out of town guest I''ve always been invited to a rehearsal dinner (or, rather, a night-before-the-wedding dinner). Hmm. This gives me something to think about...

 

[meresal]

We are only inviting family and wedding party and their dates.

 

[CNOS128]

Oops, and Thank You all, of course, for your input!
And I''d love to hear more opinions/experiences as well...

 

[dcgator]

Hi Big T

I am having the very same problem with our RD. We are having an OOT wedding, and in my experience, traditionally, the RD is not just for the wedding party and the immediately family, but for ALL the OOT guests. We have had major feedback from both parents about people who HAVE to be invited, despite not being immediately family or in the bridal party.

Right now, we are trying to cap it at 50 people, which is kinda tricky. Both mothers are getting to invite a few people not in the wedding party or immediately family. But, it''s hard to keep it at only 50, since there are 20 people in the wedding party alone, not including us (FI and I) or the two sets of parents on either side...

Yes, it is going to be yet another expense, but at the end fo the day, I would tell you to try to set a number and stick to it. Once you have a guest count, I don''t think you should worry as much about whether its a formal dinner or not. Since it is technically a "rehersal dinner," the main focus should be on the rehersal part and having key people (ie immediately family and wedding party) meet and get friendly. If you want to have a cocktail hour type thing as opposed to a real dinner, go for it!

 

[October2008bride]

We TOTALLY had this problem. I feel for you!!

MIL/FIL thought it should be just teh bridal party (no spouses) and the immediate family.

Me/DH thought it should be bridal party plus spouses and the immediate family.

My mom/dad thought it should be all of the OOT guests as well as bridal party/spouses and immediate family.


I personally felt like a lot of the weekend was about the guests - we were having a brunch for them on the Sunday and the wedding reception was really for them too in my eyes. I wanted the RD to be about thanking the people who were closest to us...who had put a lot of work and support into the wedding. I wanted to thank them. Honestly, I didn''t want to be going around and meeting my parents'' OOT friends. I knew I''d be doing that at the wedding reception!

So I kind of put my foot down - it helped that MIL and FIL were paying and refused to pay for more than xx number of people.

The compromise was that my mom/dad held a cocktail party at the hotel so after the RD, we went over there, socialized for an hour, and then went up to the hotel room and got some rest.

My best friend had a RD with all the OOT guests and I know they really appreciated it - there is something very nice about having a weekends worth of events when you fly/drive in for a wedding. But I think our OOT guests were more than happy with a cocktail party, the wedding and Sunday brunch.

Hope that helps

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/15/2009 10:15:29 AM
Author: TheBigT
Oops, and Thank You all, of course, for your input!
And I''d love to hear more opinions/experiences as well...

We will be getting married in my home town, where my parents and some of my friends live. 80% of our guests will be coming from OOT. In my situation, if we were to invite all of our OOT guests... we would essentially be throwing 2 receptions. Even with only family, wedding party, and their guests, we are looking at almost 100 people for the RD.

 

[musey]

We had a casual dinner so we weren't strict at all... we basically invited whomever we felt obligated to have, and whomever else we just plain wanted there.

It ended up being whatever family (extended to cousins) had traveled to be here (it was grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, their kids), any very close friends that had traveled to be here, bridal party and a couple of my parents' friends that had traveled for the wedding.

Even so, we only had about 25-30 people because of people in those categories who either were not coming to the wedding (everyone in those categories, except for the two groomsmen, was OOT) or were flying in too late to attend the rehearsal dinner.

In my opinion, if the party is held during dinner hours (if they'll be present between 5-7pm) then people will be expecting dinner. It doesn't have to be a sit-down dinner, but it does need to be enough food for people to fill up on.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I know that this isn''t strictly followed anymore, but the etiquette book I have says the groom''s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner...

 

[musey]

Date: 1/15/2009 11:36:48 AM
Author: marchswallowbird
I know that this isn't strictly followed anymore, but the etiquette book I have says the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner...

We followed that (hence our $350 rehearsal dinner...

)

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:41:15 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Our rehersal dinner will be like most said, wedding party and their dates, parents and grandparents. thats it

That''s all I would do! Food is expensive

 

[elrohwen]

We laid down a firm line on the rehearsal dinner. We're inviting our parents, our two bridesmaids, and two groomsmen (plus their dates). FI's sister is a bridesmaid, so that takes care of her, and I don't have any siblings. I'd say 60 out of our 70 guests are from out of town, so inviting them all would be like a second wedding. Even adding just out of town family adds probably 10 more people (we're not that close to them, so we decided not to invite them and to just see them for lunch or something). They'll just have to take themselves out to dinner that night. We'll probably set up a fun bar type event afterwards (it's trivia night at our favorite bar, maybe people can go to that) so we'll still get to see some out of town friends who aren't invited to the dinner. For those of us on a budget, I just don't see the point of making the rehearsal dinner like a second wedding because I think that takes away from the point of the wedding in the first place. Unless you have a huge budget and don't mind inviting a ton of people, all of those people will still get a chance to spend time with you at your wedding.

ETA: We're paying for the rehearsal dinner ourselves, so that probably effects our decision a lot. If FMIL was willing to throw a big bash, we'd certainly be willing to invite at least all of the visiting family and probably more people as well. But honest, nobody that I know is expecting to be invited to the RD anyway, so they don't mind at all.

 

[amcgookin]

We are only inviting the wedding party and my fiance''s two sisters to our rehearsal dinner. We will have a total of about 25. Since we are only having aobut 75 at the wedding if we had opened it to out of town guests it would have almost been like having two weddings. For us it was all about budget. I also made sure to book a place that could only accomodate about 25 anyway so if I get asked why am I not invited I can honestly say... "no room".

I thnk you would be fine to not invite out of town guests.... and I have also heard of people NOT doing formal dinners for rehearsal dinners. Almost anything goes these days. You could do hearty appetizers and drinks it that fits better in your budget. I have seen that too.

Good luck!

 

[violet02]

This was a hot button topic in my family. It still drives me crazy.

We invited our bridal party, my grandmother (no other grandparents were alive or there). Our parents. Our bridal party included 2 ushers and my 2 little cousins and their parents since the two kids were in the wedding. That was IT.

We then had a ''Meet and Greet'' after the dinner. Dinner at 5:30pm, Meet and Greet at 7pm, in the courtyard behind the restaurant. We provided free wine and appetizers. Once that ran out people had to go to the bar and buy their own. About 40 or more people attended this. We had 80 wedding guests. This was for the out of towners that were there the night before the wedding.

The hot button part came in when our parents freaked out that our siblings and all out of town guests weren''t invited as well. Now we could have invited them and we probably should have but we had exactly two tables of 12 and exactly 24 guests and honestly I''m not a fan of my step-sibling and his girlfriend and my stepmother wanted both there. Anyways thats beside the point. My FI''s parents also wanted all out of town guests. Considering we were paying for a sit down meal at the wedding the day after this I didn''t understand WHY we had to pay for dinner for everyone the night before as well. I still don''t get that. I think a meet and greet covered out of town guests. FYI we also paid for the rehearsal dinner ourslves and the meet and greet which was around 2k.

So now my stepbrother is getting married and my stepmom and co. are making a big deal about how ALL out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner. Well considering they don''t live in Virginia anymore and the wedding is there were talking like 50-100 people. I asked my Dad why pay for dinner (it''s his dime) for that many people when the wedding is the day after. After I once again broke it down for him he was like hrm ''why aren''t we just doing a meet and greet??''. Anyways.... Rant over.

 

[newbie124]

As far as things stand right now, we''re also limiting our RD to wedding party, parents, my cousin who''s officiating and my grandmother. FI''s parents may decide they also want to have his aunt and her bf since they''re all planning to travel together to the wedding.

After dinner we plan to host an "open house" welcome for anyone who wants to drop by our rental house for wine/cheese. Like pp, most of our guests are out of town anyway, so I didn''t want to be hosting 2 receptions.

I was wondering, though, if we should extend an invitation to our DOC? Also, I assume if you have readers in the wedding, they should also be invited, right?

 

[teapot]

From what I gather, it is nice to invite the OOT guest, but it isn''t required. If the OOT guest list added 10 or less people to your RD, then invite them, but if it makes the dinner a reception, invite only who is required to be there. I have been invited to RD and not invited as an OOT. I think in your situation don''t invite them.

 

[teapot]

Date: 1/15/2009 3:27:47 PM
Author: newbie124
As far as things stand right now, we''re also limiting our RD to wedding party, parents, my cousin who''s officiating and my grandmother. FI''s parents may decide they also want to have his aunt and her bf since they''re all planning to travel together to the wedding.


After dinner we plan to host an ''open house'' welcome for anyone who wants to drop by our rental house for wine/cheese. Like pp, most of our guests are out of town anyway, so I didn''t want to be hosting 2 receptions.


I was wondering, though, if we should extend an invitation to our DOC? Also, I assume if you have readers in the wedding, they should also be invited, right?

You don''t need to invite your DOC, she is a vendor, but you should invite the readers.

 

[AmberGretchen]

We didn''t invite out of town guests, and I''ve been an out of town guest at a wedding where we weren''t invited to the rehearsal dinner - it wasn''t a big deal at all.

 

[CNOS128]

Thanks for all the advice, ladies. Apparently our mothers feel that it is necessary to invite the OOT guests!

My FILs will be paying for the dinner, it''s just that we didn''t want to make them spend more than was necessary. But if they want the OOT guests then I suppose they will have to pay for ''em.

It''s weird because everyone I know (in "real" life) has invited OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner, but that doesn''t seem to be typical from the PS responses. I know at least 10 people who are planning weddings rights now who are all planning to invite close family and OOTers. Do you think it''s a regional thing? Cultural? Coincidence?

I think in my circle, if I didn''t invite the OOT people, it actually would be a problem. Having spoken to some friends/relatives, I''ve learned that most people expect and want to be present at a rehearsal dinner. Anyway, for me it really comes down to what the in-laws want, because they are paying and I''m tired of making decisions...

Thanks again for all the help!

 

[cammy85]

We''re inviting all the out of towners that can make it in simply beause we don''t want them bored or hungry and we want to see them! We''re also, however, doing a very laid back RD that is just catered BBQ. So that makes a bit of a difference if you compare it to renting out a restaurant or having a plated meal.