rehearsal dinner--how far in advance

[janinegirly]

when does the planning typically begin on this..

my FIL''s are very apathetic, and I''m wondering if it''s because they have no interest or because there is plenty of time.

 

[robbie3982]

Our wedding''s 9/8 (less than 5 months!) and we just started talking about it a few weeks ago. FMIL actually booked a place earlier this week.

 

[NYCsparkle]

we booked ours 1 1/2 months in advance. it depends on when you plan to do it as well. we did ours during the week (thursday night) so there really wasn''t a problem with the restaurant we chose being booked for a party that night.

 

[janinegirly]

my wedding is about 2 wks after yours and absolutely no mention. i''m just tired of being the one to remind them and bring stuff up (reminded them on guest list, reminded them that we should get the families together,etc). i just wish they would take the initiative on something! we received no engagement gift or card from them either. btw, when i "remind" them, I do it very subtlely and non-intrusively.
maybe they''re just not too into it...

 

[cara]

Could be because they don''t know/assume its their job. My FMIL, a person I would have thought would know the custom on this subject, didn''t realize it until she was looking thru a really cheesy wedding etiquette book on my coffee table one day. Even then, she wanted to be useful planning-wise but didn''t want to step on anyones toes if FI and I had opinions on the RD. So I had to give her permission to call places and make the final decision on which restaraunt.

But in the face of apathy, its best to make contingencies. I would try to let your FI approach his parents, so he can be more blunt and ask them if they were planning to organize it or if they would like someone else to. If its left to you, you should probably be more subtle and just ask them if they have thought about the RD at all or have any opinions on it.

If the RD is smallish, then it doesn''t need much advance planning assuming you are just going to a restaurant and don''t care if its is in a private room or not. But if its large, or you want a private room or something special, its best done well in advance.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 4/19/2007 10:28:32 AM
Author: janinegirly
my wedding is about 2 wks after yours and absolutely no mention. i''m just tired of being the one to remind them and bring stuff up (reminded them on guest list, reminded them that we should get the families together,etc). i just wish they would take the initiative on something! we received no engagement gift or card from them either. btw, when i ''remind'' them, I do it very subtlely and non-intrusively.
maybe they''re just not too into it...

you are not supposed to give engagement gifts or cards.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 4/19/2007 1:57:53 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 4/19/2007 10:28:32 AM
Author: janinegirly
my wedding is about 2 wks after yours and absolutely no mention. i''m just tired of being the one to remind them and bring stuff up (reminded them on guest list, reminded them that we should get the families together,etc). i just wish they would take the initiative on something! we received no engagement gift or card from them either. btw, when i ''remind'' them, I do it very subtlely and non-intrusively.
maybe they''re just not too into it...

you are not supposed to give engagement gifts or cards.

Why not? We got engagement gifts and cards.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/19/2007 2:39:35 PM
Author: robbie3982

Date: 4/19/2007 1:57:53 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 4/19/2007 10:28:32 AM
Author: janinegirly
my wedding is about 2 wks after yours and absolutely no mention. i'm just tired of being the one to remind them and bring stuff up (reminded them on guest list, reminded them that we should get the families together,etc). i just wish they would take the initiative on something! we received no engagement gift or card from them either. btw, when i 'remind' them, I do it very subtlely and non-intrusively.
maybe they're just not too into it...

you are not supposed to give engagement gifts or cards.

Why not? We got engagement gifts and cards.

I don't think anyone is required to give engagement gifts.

Can your fiance bring the RD up to his parents?

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 4/19/2007 2:44:33 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 4/19/2007 2:39:35 PM
Author: robbie3982

Date: 4/19/2007 1:57:53 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 4/19/2007 10:28:32 AM
Author: janinegirly
my wedding is about 2 wks after yours and absolutely no mention. i''m just tired of being the one to remind them and bring stuff up (reminded them on guest list, reminded them that we should get the families together,etc). i just wish they would take the initiative on something! we received no engagement gift or card from them either. btw, when i ''remind'' them, I do it very subtlely and non-intrusively.
maybe they''re just not too into it...

you are not supposed to give engagement gifts or cards.

Why not? We got engagement gifts and cards.

I don''t think anyone is required to give engagement gifts.

Can your fiance bring the RD up to his parents?

I didn''t read "you are not supposed to give engagement gifts or cards" as you''re not "required" to give them. I read it as it''s wrong to give them. As in, you are not supposed to eat dessert before dinner.

 

[akw94]

Janine, we haven''t begun the planning yet but we''ll likely do it ourselves so I don''t feel a big rush to begin. That''s one of the things on the list that I feel I can take a bit more time with. I could be wrong about that but we''ll see!

 

[Blenheim]

Janine, when you say "absolutely no mention" does that mean that they haven''t offered to throw it? While traditionally, the groom''s family is often responsible for throwing the rehearsal dinner, they''re not at all obliged to and it''s entirely their choice.

FWIW, I read Lady Kemma''s comment as meaning that giving engagement presents and cards isn''t something that people are necessarily supposed to do, but that it''s nice and generous if they choose to.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 4/19/2007 7:12:46 PM
Author: Blenheim
Janine, when you say 'absolutely no mention' does that mean that they haven't offered to throw it? While traditionally, the groom's family is often responsible for throwing the rehearsal dinner, they're not at all obliged to and it's entirely their choice.

FWIW, I read Lady Kemma's comment as meaning that giving engagement presents and cards isn't something that people are necessarily supposed to do, but that it's nice and generous if they choose to.

thanks for clarifying. i guess what i was trying to say, it is my understanding that one does not give gifts for an engagement /party. janine's comment made it sound like it was expected?

 

[Blenheim]

LK - I''m going to preface this by saying that we didn''t have an engagement party and I''ve never been to one, but my understanding is that while it''s not expected that people give gifts, some people will choose to give smaller gifts. Like, a bottle of wine or things that you would normally bring as hostess gifts, or things like picture frames. The one engagement gift that we were given was a set of mugs.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/19/2007 7:12:46 PM
Author: Blenheim
FWIW, I read Lady Kemma's comment as meaning that giving engagement presents and cards isn't something that people are necessarily supposed to do, but that it's nice and generous if they choose to.

Yes, that's how I read it too, and why I wrote the italic 'required' post to illustrate.

As for dessert before dinner Robbie...well...it's kinda like you're not supposed to read the end of the book first..but some people do. LOL.

 

[Blenheim]

I was just agreeing with you, FireGoddess.

I ate dessert before dinner yesterday. Don''t tell anyone.

 

[janinegirly]

i understand that FI's parents are not obligated to throw the RD, but it is traditionally expected and we are doing a tradtional wedding. Meaning my parents are paying for the bulk of the wedding and therefore they are paying for FI's family's limos, guests' meals, invitations and all the tradtional stuff. Also meaning my bridesmaids are throwing my shower etc....all stuff that are not obligations, but inferred according to wedding tradtion/etiquette. FI's family knows this and did the same for their daughter when she married.

FI's parents have made no mention of RD or taken any initiative on anything..meaning no outward offerings to help, no card, phone call to me, bottle of wine, whatever--any sign of interest beyond the same old. For now, i'm going to assume it's because to them 5 mo's probably is a long time and they're probably right. (for me, i've been knee deep in planning so i have a pretty good idea of how long things take and how things can be unpleasant if left for the last minute, and in wedding time, the last 2-3 mo's is last minute). anyway, that's just me and if nothing happens after another month or so, I'll ask FI to gently ask them. i'm by no means saying they should send invites out 5 mo's in advance, but maybe just start looking around and making a reservation.

as for engagement parties and gifts...i can only speak for my expereinces in nyc and here, those who have engagement parties do often get gifts from their registries. people do bring smaller gifts/wine/champagne too, but usually don't come empty handed. i chose not to have an e-party, but it's pretty common. in fact a friend of mine is having her in-laws throw her a shower and she's been engaged 2 wks. and her registry has been complete since the day after engagement--not my style, but supposedly the norm among some circles.
for me, i was just talking about some symbolic engagement acknowledgement from immediate family (ie parents), or expression of interest.