Rehearsal dinner $$ etiquette?

[Green with Envy]

i know traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding and the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

In our situation the Groom's family is not capable of paying for anything so the financial burden for the bride's side is higher than normal. Thus we are trying to have a very small, casual, and inexpensive rehearsal dinner event.

Given this situation... can we have a rehearsal dinner that ONLY includes direct family and wedding party? (edited to note we WOULD invite all spouses of family/wedding party)

So this means we are not including ANY out of town guests from either side who are not a part of the wedding.

I understand that if they bothered with the expense of coming far for our wedding- it is traditional that out of town guest are also invited to the rehearsal dinner... but this will double the size of the rehearsal dinner.

Thoughts?

 

[tlh]

Inviting out of town guests is not required but a nice gesture if you can afford it.

However it is incredibly RUDE not to invite SPOUSES of anyone in attendance, IMHO. I am a matron of honor in a wedding a couple of weeks and my DH was not invited. It was my thought that they were scrimping on the head count to make it a nicer dinner, but they did so by not inviting the spouses of their wedding party guests... I think it would have been nicer to have chosen a less pricey venue, and invite my husband, and the spouses of the other guests - but I''ve gotten over it.

So it is nice if you can afford it... but not obligatory. I''ve been to a few weddings where the RD was on a thursday so that the OOT guests could attend a BBQ at the Bride or Groom''s parents house the night before. (I did this.) These were really nice and allowed the OOTers something to do, while keeping costs down.

Good luck to you, But as to your original question. Inviting the out of town guests to the RD, though nice, It is not something you are REQUIRED to do.

 

[MagsyMay]

I don''t know what the "rule" is, but I know from personal experience, I have gone to OOT weddings and not been invited to the RD. I didn''t think too much of it, but I was a bit younger then. I probably wouldn''t be too bothered for future weddings actually. Sometimes it''s nice to just relax after traveling to a wedding without having to get dolled up and rush to a RD! But that''s just me. I definitely agree with Tlh that spouses of the wedding party should be invited though.

I''m interested in hearing the responses, as I expect to be in the same position when it comes time for our RD. FI''s family cannot pay for anything, and ironically enough, most, if not all OOT guests will be from his family and/or mom''s friends. So that complicates it even more.

If you don''t mind me asking, are your parents paying for the RD, you and FI contributing, FI paying himself, etc.? I am a bit nervous how to approach this when the time comes!

 

[cara]

Inviting OOT guests to the rehersal is optional. Nice if you can afford it, but not required.

For the OOT guests, it would be nice if you could do *something* with them besides the wedding as they have traveled so far - but it can be small and not-hosted. Meet for drinks before RD (or after, if you''re up for it!), brunch on the day after etc.

 

[meresal]

Date: 9/18/2009 12:00:04 PM
Author:Green with Envy
i know traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding and the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

In our situation the Groom's family is not capable of paying for anything so the financial burden for the bride's side is higher than normal. Thus we are trying to have a very small, casual, and inexpensive rehearsal dinner event.

Given this situation... can we have a rehearsal dinner that ONLY includes direct family and wedding party? (edited to note we WOULD invite all spouses of family/wedding party)

So this means we are not including ANY out of town guests from either side who are not a part of the wedding.

I understand that if they bothered with the expense of coming far for our wedding- it is traditional that out of town guest are also invited to the rehearsal dinner... but this will double the size of the rehearsal dinner.

Thoughts?

Spouses of family members, ARE family members. That is not acceptable. *** Nevermind.. I read that completely wrong. Sorry ***

As far as OOT guests, I have never been invited to the RD as an OOT guest unless it was family.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/18/2009 12:59:44 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 9/18/2009 12:00:04 PM
Author:Green with Envy
i know traditionally the bride''s family pays for the wedding and the groom''s family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

In our situation the Groom''s family is not capable of paying for anything so the financial burden for the bride''s side is higher than normal. Thus we are trying to have a very small, casual, and inexpensive rehearsal dinner event.

Given this situation... can we have a rehearsal dinner that ONLY includes direct family and wedding party? (edited to note we WOULD invite all spouses of family/wedding party)

So this means we are not including ANY out of town guests from either side who are not a part of the wedding.

I understand that if they bothered with the expense of coming far for our wedding- it is traditional that out of town guest are also invited to the rehearsal dinner... but this will double the size of the rehearsal dinner.

Thoughts?

Spouses of family members, ARE family members. That is not acceptable. *** Nevermind.. I read that completely wrong. Sorry ***

As far as OOT guests, I have never been invited to the RD as an OOT guest unless it was family.

+1. If I am making the sacrifice to fly somewhere to attend a wedding, I am not schmoozing for free meals, I am coming to celebrate the occasion and union. I never assume that I am to come to a RD, and I know that when I have a wedding, most guests will be from OOT (probably 75%+), and we can''t afford TWO weddings, lol!

I also agree with TLH, that members of the wedding party and their plus one should be invited to the RD. (I say plus one because I have been both Long time GF of FI as a groomsmen, and now his fiancee'') It is really awkward to be excluded from the rehearsal dinner, and then have to sit by yourself at the actual wedding/reception because your ''date'' is sitting with the wedding party. Actually, it sucks. I hate it.

 

[Inanna]

I've gone to many weddings where I was an OOT guest and was not invited to the rehearsal dinner. I think that's absolutely fine! Actually, as an OOT guest I often prefer getting to the location and being free to explore rather than attend a bunch of scheduled events.

A few weddings I've attended have had a casual cocktail hour after the rehearsal dinner which all OOT guests were invited to. That's very nice if you can afford it, but again, its not necessary.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 9/18/2009 12:00:04 PM
Author:Green with Envy
i know traditionally the bride''s family pays for the wedding and the groom''s family pays for the rehearsal dinner.

In our situation the Groom''s family is not capable of paying for anything so the financial burden for the bride''s side is higher than normal. Thus we are trying to have a very small, casual, and inexpensive rehearsal dinner event.

Given this situation... can we have a rehearsal dinner that ONLY includes direct family and wedding party? (edited to note we WOULD invite all spouses of family/wedding party)

So this means we are not including ANY out of town guests from either side who are not a part of the wedding.

I understand that if they bothered with the expense of coming far for our wedding- it is traditional that out of town guest are also invited to the rehearsal dinner... but this will double the size of the rehearsal dinner.

Thoughts?

I think it''s fairly common these days to NOT invite all OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. I think most of the time only the bridal party is invited. In fact, the only wedding I''ve ever been to where everyone was invited to the RD was my own.

If you wanted to do something nice for everyone else, you could invite them to dessert at your hotel after the RD. Most hotels have a free lounge area you could use, and you could go buy a couple cakes from Costco.

 

[elrohwen]

I am limiting my rehearsal dinner to wedding party and parents/direct family only. First, almost all of our guests are from out of town and it seemed silly and expensive to basically have a "second" wedding. Second, it''s absolutely not required to invite anyone who''s not in the wedding. One time FI and I were invited to his cousin''s rehearsal dinner, but that''s because it was an informal bbq and money wasn''t an issue. If I were attending an out of town wedding I would certainly not expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, even if I was family (unless I was direct family).

 

[Haven]

Of course it''s best if you can invite your OOT guests to the RD, but if finances prohibit that, then what are you to do?

I do like the idea of doing something else that is less costly for your OOT guests if you can''t invite them to the RD.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I think it is fine to not invite OOT guests. I would do a little bag of goodies for them or something waiting in their room instead.

And I agree with everyone, spouses of bridal party need to be invited. You''re saying thank you to the bridal party..... but you did say you were including them, so I think you''re fine!

 

[mayachel]

Is it desirable or possible to set up something very simple in a hotel lounge room as a general gathering space with pizza salad and soda available? I might do this if you were planning on hanging out with guests that night after your main rehearsal dinner with just the bridal party/so''s and immediate family.

I don''t think it would be impolite to limit the guests.