Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Angst

[modernsparkler]

I was just wondering how much, if any, input you all had for your rehearsal dinners if they were being done the traditional route by your fiance''s parents? I adore my future in-laws to be and I have had a great time discussing wedding ideas with them. A few days ago they told my fiance where they wanted to have the RD and I was a little shocked. It is a very casual place that neither the fiance and I are too thrilled about. There will be quite a few of us as we have a big wedding party and will have aunts, uncles, and grandparents also in attendance but I don''t think that is a limiting factor and neither is cost. I want to at least have them consider other places but I don''t want to appear ungrateful. I was just hoping for something a little more on par with our formal wedding. I am also hoping to have some flowers at the actual event and nice invites but since they are throwing it for us, I don''t want to insist on anything since it is not technically my place.

Did any of you have this issue? How invovled were you in the planning of the RD?

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, every rehearsal dinner I''ve ever been to has been on the casual side, and certainly WAY more casual than the actual wedding. I think people will appreciate that as well, as it gives them a chance to interact in a lower key environment. Not everyone loves getting dressed up and being fancy (though I certainly do!)

so what your in laws are doing is not only pretty normal, it will probably be pretty popular.

The only reason I''d say something, is if you know this place has really bad food or something. Then you might want to save them from embarrassment. But if it''s just a matter of "not as fancy as the wedding" I would definitely let it go.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with Indy. If your wedding is going to be a formal affair, it might be fun to go with something a little more casual for the RD. Just out of curiosity, what is it about the place your FI's parents suggested that you don't like?

 

[Independent Gal]

I''ve been thinking this over, and it seems to me that there''s a stronger issue here about rehearsal dinners in general, and your question about how involved brides are in planning it.

Your in laws are inviting your friends and family to dinner. So, it''s not just TECHNICALLY not your place, it really isn''t your place to say anything about their choice, unless you think they would want to know, e.g. unless they''d be embarassed, you know something they don''t know about the place.

If someone offered to take you out to dinner some other time, would you ever say something like "The place you are taking me isn''t fancy and expensive enough. I want to be taken someplace nicer." Of course you wouldn''t, because that would be INCREDIBLY rude.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is no different. This isn''t your wedding, it''s your IL''s very generously taking you and your friends and family out to dinner.

The only way to have a say politely is to take everyone to dinner yourself. I think that''s what Sumbride ended up doing.

 

[White Orchid]

My in-laws threw our rehearsal dinner. It was very casual (we''re talking BBQ and blue jeans), the night before the wedding. The only people there were the wedding party and both sets of immediate family. It was a lot of fun since pretty well everyone already knew each other.

 

[zoebartlett]

You had asked how much we had a part in planning our RD. My FI''s parents didn''t know about the tradition to have one, so they also weren''t aware that traditionally, the groom''s parents pay for it. My FI and I have a wedding acct. and his parents have given us a few checks that we put right into this fund. So who''s paying for the RD? I''m not sure, actually. We all are, I suppose. My FI and I are planning it ourselves though-- we picked the restaurant and the menu, and we''ll do the invitations also.

If his parents were handling it though, I think I''d just graciously step back a bit and let them take care of it.

 

[sumbride]

We planned ours because my DH was very set on what he wanted and his mom disagreed with him about it so we did it our way. We wanted casual and she wanted fancy. Our wedding was fancy so we wanted it to be casual the night before.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Ours is going to be very casual in part because we are having such a formal wedding. I like the idea of not having to get dressed up and be on my best behavior when I am going to be in another world. Besides, we picked this diner because its such a warm, friendly place, much more so than the fancy places we also go to.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/4/2008 7:20:42 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I''ve been thinking this over, and it seems to me that there''s a stronger issue here about rehearsal dinners in general, and your question about how involved brides are in planning it.


Your in laws are inviting your friends and family to dinner. So, it''s not just TECHNICALLY not your place, it really isn''t your place to say anything about their choice, unless you think they would want to know, e.g. unless they''d be embarassed, you know something they don''t know about the place.


If someone offered to take you out to dinner some other time, would you ever say something like ''The place you are taking me isn''t fancy and expensive enough. I want to be taken someplace nicer.'' Of course you wouldn''t, because that would be INCREDIBLY rude.


The more I think about it, the more I think this is no different. This isn''t your wedding, it''s your IL''s very generously taking you and your friends and family out to dinner.


The only way to have a say politely is to take everyone to dinner yourself. I think that''s what Sumbride ended up doing.

Well said, Indy.

We''re having an extremely formal wedding (religious ceremony, engraved invites, orchestra, the whole bit) yet we''re having our rehearsal dinner at a Chicago pizzeria because a) we''re Chicagoans and we want all of our OOT guests to enjoy a bit of our famous local fare, and b) we love the idea of having a relaxing rehearsal dinner.

I believe you would be stepping far beyond the lines of what is acceptable if you were to try to change your future in-laws plans for the rehearsal dinner. They are the hosts, try your best to be a gracious guest of honor, and enjoy the celebration.

 

[monarch64]

I imagine your FIL''s have their reasons for choosing that particular location. One thing that comes to mind is that they are probably anticipating that OOTr''s will be tired from traveling and won''t want to get dressed to the nines for the RD plus they want it to be a relaxed and joyful time for all involved.

I was not at all involved with our RD. I let my MIL handle all of it and she did a fantastic job, everyone really enjoyed themselves. She used a restaurant that she and my FIL had frequented for years, it was in their comfort zone and she knew the owners well. I wonder if your FIL''s have a similar situation?

 

[K&L]

I feel your rehearsal dinner concerns. My future in-laws are so nice, but have seemed a little clueless when it comes to planning the rehearsal dinner. My fiance''s mom is tom-boyish and I don''t think she gets into that kind of stuff. So, they suggested we get Chick-fil-a to cater it. Yes, the fast food restaurant. My mom and I said we''d rather have something different, so then they decided, as our wedding gift, to give my fiance and I a sum of money to use for the rehearsal dinner. Whatever we don''t spend we get to keep. So now we are planning everything. I feel like I''m in a weird place of wanting to have a nice dinner, but knowing that it would be ours to keep otherwise. I''ve been frustrated that now I feel like I have two events to plan!

 

[doodle]

traditional etiquette rules--it''s their call. i wouldn''t worry about matching the formality of the events; chances are, your bridesmaids will greatly appreciate not having to wear heels two days in a row, and if you still want to dress up a bit just for fun, you''re the bride. they could have your rd at mcdonald''s and you could wear formalwear if you wanted to! i think the absolute most you could do without it being rude to his parents would be to drop a few hints, like "oh, those flowers are lovely! they match so well with the decor at [their restaurant selection] that they''d be perfect for the rd!" even that is pushing it, though! at "worst", you got a paid for meal with your nearest and dearest, and it''ll be followed by a lovely wedding that''s exactly how you wanted it. not a bad deal!

 

[Sabine]

I know it can be frustrating, but I''ve just recently learned that it can also be sort of freeing to just let the inlaws take care of it. I had some trouble with the planning of our RD because FI''s mom first wanted it in a place so fancy that they would only be able to afford appetizers, and I definitely wanted a full meal. My other suggestion was that we hold it somewhere very near the church and very easy to find, and I did suggest a number of nice-ish local restaurants that FI and I both know we like. They ended up going with a still-fancy place that is somewhat out of the way. I offered to make the invites since I"m DIYing the programs right now and had stuff to make them coordinate. But instead FILs are making them, and they match nothing. At first I was a little bothered, but I decided to just give it up, and now I have a bunch less things on my plate that I am taking care of!

 

[modernsparkler]

You all are SO RIGHT. I guess I never really thought about a) the advantages of having a fun more casual affair the day before the wedding and b) that it might be nice to have someone else graciously do the planning for a wedding event and c) it really IS NOT my place to disagree with a party being thrown for me and the fiance before our wedding!

Sometimes it is hard with all the wedding stuff to just let go but you are all so right. I have no real reason to turn down the place they chose and actually I think it would be kind of fun.

Seriously, thanks ladies for your help on this!

 

[modernsparkler]

I just reread my original post and I do sound terribly ungrateful and spoiled. I did not mean to come off like that at all- I just was wondering if any of you brides to be had any involvement in your RD. I definately was not objecting because it was not fancy or expensive enough, I just had previously assumed the RD had to match the wedding.

I know it is not my place to get involved in their party and I know they will do a beautiful job whatever place they choose.

 

[Gypsy]

FMIL lives 2000 miles away so I'm planning the whole thing. Honestly though, my FMIL and I have different things we look for in places. So, I know if we were closer she would pick someplace very different than what I chose. But, at the same time, she wouldn't do it unilaterally, she would ask me cause she knows I'm a crazy control freak. If she didn't and I wasn't very happy with her choice, I'd ask my FI what to do, and let him handle it. If he agreed with me, I'd ask him to suggest alternatives to his mom. If he was fine with it, I'd just deal with it. If your fiance agrees and feels like discussing it with them... let him.

I just read other's responses. They're right... if the only objection is the casual feel... go with the flow. At least it will be a contrast and won't compete with your wedding. Many of the RD we've been to have ben BBQ's at groom's parent' homes and they've been a blast. I'm doing a luncheon, more casual, and relaxed... and I'm happy about that, it fits both FMIL and FI more than something more formal would have.

 

[diamondfan]

I tried to have input as I could not abide my in laws to be and their taste stunk.

I ended up fine with it, though it was NOT a great meal. We went to a comedy club, my father in law was in the entertainment business and his friend owned it. It ended up being a total riot. The food was just mmeehh, but people drank and laughed til their sides hurt. So in the end it was fine. I felt, with a huge group that we had, and my to be in laws having money issues, this really was the best option. His buddy picked great acts, he did not charge my father in law to be an arm and a leg, and though it was not a gastronomic delight, everyone had a blast. Since it was not going to be in a fancy or elegant place, I figured, let it rip, and make it fun.

Can you ask your fiancee to make a gentle suggestion, like Thanks, that is awesome, could we think about it a bit and talk about it? Let HIM be the one, not you, to suggest an alternative if you have one, and let HIM say he does not like the place they are suggesting.