Wedding Registry -- too late?

[that_someone_special]

Hope this is the right place to post this-- I''m still a LIW but this is about a BWW (not actually on the site!)

A few friends of mine were married last fall in a destination wedding. They are now having their reception in July.. and have sent along a little invitation with a registry!! This seems sooooo tacky to me.. Am I totally off here? They technically got married even before their destination wedding (by about 3 months).. so I don''t know why they''d even ask for gifts!! Now I feel like I can''t celebrate their day (which happened so many months ago-- twice) unless I bring a gift.

Any bride insight to this would be great!

 

[Elmorton]

Tacky, yes.

Did you send a gift for the first wedding? If so, I don't think you should in any way feel obligated to send a second. I can assure you that they dropped that card into each person's invite without thinking about it - so I would hope in no way is the couple trying to take advantage of those guests who will be celebrating twice with them.

I WOULD however bring a card to the reception that makes some nice remark about how it's wonderful to celebrate with them again. We had several guests at our wedding who didn't bring gifts (and that's PERFECTLY fine - I don't think guests should feel obligated to bring a gift at all - our wedding was about wanting our friends and family there, not about gifts), but I would have liked it if they would have brought a card - it's a nice way to be able to personally congratulate the couple (and also gives them the peace of mind that a gift wasn't lost or stolen).

ETA: Oh...I just read your post over again. Um, I really don't care how a couple gets married (we got married twice, btw - it's not that abnormal), it IS traditional to bring a gift for the couple. If you don't want to take a gift, then that's your call (see my comment above about guests and gifts), but I think it's unfair to withold a gift because they got married in a different way than the norm, especially if you would normally bring a gift to a more traditional wedding/reception.

 

[that_someone_special]

Great response!

As far as their first wedding, they never sent out invitations or anything- just their family and BFF went. I never thought of sending a gift-- now I feel bad!

I should also mention that by registry- I mean they want cash or giftcards ONLY to the places they listed

which probably made me feel a bit more offended than I needed to be.

I''m so sensitive lately that I also thought it was a bit tacky.. and rude.. hmm.. maybe I''ll just let it go. I don''t have a problem with a giving a gift but now it''s like, they don''t even want a GIFT per se, just the money. LOL I dunno. Thanks for responding so quickly though~

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I think putting the registry card in there is tacky, but I also think showing up without a gift is as well. I don''t think it is tacky at all to ask for money and gift cards and prefer to give it, so that doesn''t bother me.

Don''t feel bad about not sending a gift before though, I wouldn''t have either.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, you certainly don''t have to give them what they asked for. Give them what you want to give them. But if it were me I would definitely give a gift.

Registry info in the invitation is tacky. But the idea that they are going to enormous extra expense in time and money to be able to celebrate with you, and that they didn''t put pressure on you to spend extra money of YOURS to go to the destination wedding suggests to me that they are being very thoughtful. So if it were me, I''d definitely want to give a gift.

Ditto what Elmo said. We also had a two-part wedding (2 weeks apart) and we did it for the convenience of our guests, so that no one but us would have to go to major trouble and expense with travel.

 

[diamondfan]

OOOhh, go look at the other thread about this! Good eyeopener on this.
I think the wedding months ago was more private. If I were super good friends I might have sent something then, but not as likely.

I dislike the idea of Hey, now we are ready to have all of you guys be part of this, and we want gifts too. Maybe I am misreading it, but that is how I see it, especially because of the registry.

I think most rational people, if invited to a party honoring a newly married couple or to a wedding, plan to bring a gift. But also think there is a fine line with YOU knowing it is the right thing and wanting to do so, and the hosts EXPECTING something.

Maybe they did gift cards versus items because they did not have time to go in and select things, and this way, they will go in after the party and get what they like. However, they could still pick a store, and just return stuff they do not like. A bit of a hassle maybe, but boo hoo, sorry to put them out. As for asking for cash outright in that invite? Not through word of mouth or a more subtle means? Tacky, and I would not give cash for that reason.

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I have spent this pm sending out invitations to our post-wedding party. We have a lot of friends, poltical and work colleagues etc in London who we can''t invite to the main wedding.

Instead, we''ve hired a nice bar in central London and are doing drinks and canapes for an evening drop-in party. I will be mortified if people bring us gifts as it is so not about that, but we couldn''t think of a way of saying no gifts that didn''t involve looking like we might have thought that someone would bring one, so we''ve just tried to word the invitation as it being something very informal.

I don''t think you need to bring a gift unless you would have done so anyway and you feel that you would like to...

 

[Sabine]

If the first 2 ceremonies were private or only close family/friends, and this reception is for everyone, it is probably safe to assume that the people who are included will bring gifts. Yes, it was tacky to put the registry info. on the invite, but there''s a good chance they were just thinking that most people were going to bring gifts anyway it would be nice to inform them of what they wanted (same thoughts as any bride who sends out registry info.) I don''t think it''s any different than having a reception right after the wedding.

 

[mimzy]

i can sort of see what you are saying. What they are doing reminded me of what i BELIEVE Pandora is doing (??) having a very small wedding but then having a bigger reception for more people later on....which she has always said that she would be mortified if people brought gifts to. (forgive me if it isn't pandora and is someone else!). it does strike me as odd that they would register for gifts so long after the fact. etiquette mavens may beat me for this, but a wedding and a baby shower are sort of the only two opportunities in life that make it OK to have a registry....and it sort of seems like that timeline has passed for them. yes it's still their wedding reception, but since they already got married legally AND spiritually (i'm guessing that was the second round), that this is really just a party. for some reason i am likening it to a graduation from college party....any gifts you would have gotten would have been received on your graduation, and you may get some congratulatory cards, but probably not many random gifts and having a registry for it would be pretty presumptuous. but that's just my first thought and i could easily be way off base in their thinking. but the added fact that they only want cash and gift cards really makes it seem more like a gift grab than anything.

i agree that the polite thing to do is at least a card and if you want to give a gift, give whatever gift you would give despite the tacky registry info in the invite.

ETA: I guess it is pandora! we were writing at the same time.

 

[neatfreak]

I think the rude part isn't registering for things, but including the info with the invites and especially ASKING FOR CASH AND GC's ONLY *that* is the rude part for me and would make me not want to bring something.

But that being said, if they are close friends I would still go and bring a gift, but would pick something out personally that I think the couple will enjoy. I hate being told to bring cash only, that is really rude IMO. If they weren't close friends I might bring a card only and *maybe* a small token gift.

 

[that_someone_special]

Thank you for all of the responses!! I think I was a bit cranky this morning when I wrote out that post-- I''ll absolutely go, and I might MAKE my own gift (I''m also an artist).. along with a giftcard. I just want it to be a little more personal, ya know???

Again, than''s for all of the great responses!

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/18/2008 2:26:01 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think the rude part isn''t registering for things, but including the info with the invites and especially ASKING FOR CASH AND GC''s ONLY *that* is the rude part for me and would make me not want to bring something.


But that being said, if they are close friends I would still go and bring a gift, but would pick something out personally that I think the couple will enjoy. I hate being told to bring cash only, that is really rude IMO. If they weren''t close friends I might bring a card only and *maybe* a small token gift.

ditto. I usually bring cash as that''s what is done over here, but I still dislike being told to bring cash.