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Wedding Registry issues (how much to put on, how expensive, advice on cookware, etc)

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espressa

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I considered adding some of this to the registry thread that currently going on, but felt it might be better to just start my own topic because there are a lot of things that I''m concerned about.

The first issue is that we''re having a destination wedding (Italy - we''re in the U.S.). And destination weddings usually mean little or no gifts (from what I''ve read). However, basically all of our immediate/extended families are invited. Parents, siblings, grandparents, obviously, but also aunts, uncles, first cousins, and very close friends. (This equals about 120ish people, I''m guessing. I haven''t added it up, but we''re sending like 75 invites total, a bunch of those are to families, a bunch are to couples, some are to single people (older cousins)). We''re not inviting all of these people to get gifts, and I initially thought we would invite many fewer people, but when we started telling people about our plans, well, a lot more people wanted to come than we thought!

I know our wedding is extremely expensive for people to come to. Plane tickets for most people are going to be over $1,000 a person. And a lot of people will not be coming because of that, obviously. But a lot of people ARE coming, so we can''t just invite only the ones who have already told us they''re coming, you know?

So, that''s my first problem, I guess. I feel guilty inviting a bunch of people who can''t afford to attend, but at the same time we would be thrilled to have them attend, so I don''t want to snub anyone and have their feelings hurt.

So, now, the registry. I''m having two bridal showers - one for FI''s family, one for mine. I wasn''t even sure that I should have bridal showers but people want to throw them for me, which I''m very grateful for, and honestly, we really could use the stuff. I moved out of my mom''s house and into FI''s condo last year. All of our stuff is basically hand-me-downs from our families or cheap stuff that FI bought when he first moved in. Dishes are chipping or broken, the cheap silverware he bought is falling apart (plastic handles on silverware is not such a great idea apparently, lmao). So while a lot of people getting married these days have a house full of stuff, we don''t. The stuff we have is for the most part, not very good, and I would love to replace it with stuff that will last us more than a year. And while a lot of people don''t like getting picture frames and vases and stuff, I''d love it! We have none.

We registered for an 8-piece set of fine china (Mikasa Parchment), which is $200 for the whole thing, and a few of the serving pieces because I''m not really sure how often we''ll use it, but everyone tells us it will be nice to have. Then we registered for Denby White stoneware, which is about $50 a place setting, because it''s nice, can be casual or used for company, and is supposed to last a while. And our flatware is stainless steel Lenox Continental Dining, which is also about $50 a place setting. We aren''t registering for crystal, but rather nice everyday glasses (Denby China stemware), which is about $15-20 a glass.

We''re registering for a new toaster, blender (ours is broken), sandwich maker, and deep fryer. That''s it for the kitchen electronics. The last two are pretty cheap ones but we don''t have any now and thought it would be nice to have. Then we have cookie sheets, wooden spoons, spatulas, etc.

I have the Calphalon Tri Ply Stainless Steel 13-Piece Cookware Set ($400) on the registry right now, because we actually could use basically everything that it includes. Then a few cheap non-stick frying pans. I''ve been going back and forth about this stuff the last few days. We originally had a Calphalon non-stick set on there, but then I read that those don''t tend to last as long and you don''t really need non-stick for anything but frying pans, so I changed it. I want stuff that is going to last a long time. I considered All-Clad but I don''t think I like the handles, and the fact that it isn''t easy to pour stuff out of them. Also, All-Clad is way more expensive. Any opinions? I''ve read all of the cookware threads on PS from the last few years but I''m still not totally sure what to do.

Probably half the stuff on our registry is about $50 or so (although it''s at BBB so with the 20% coupons it''s less), then a bunch of $20-30 things, some $100 things, and then a few way more expensive things ($200 china set, $300 down comforter, $400 pot and pan set, $270 duvet). Are these last things way too expensive? FI and I typically spend around $100 on a wedding gift, and I''m guessing that most of our family does at least the same. We have a few very wealthy relatives that may spend around $250-300 (or quite possibly more, I have no idea), and if we don''t get the stuff we''ll buy them ourselves. But I don''t want people to think we''re being greedy.

And finally, I''m worried that I''m either over-registering or under-registering. The people who are coming to the wedding won''t be bringing gifts with them (at least, I pray they don''t because I can''t imagine bringing them all back with us!). So I don''t know if those people will give us gifts before or after, or just give us cash. Or maybe not give us anything at all since our wedding is so expensive to come to.

And the people who aren''t coming (75% of the people invited), I don''t know if they will not give anything, give cash or give a gift. I tend to think that most of them will give something, since they are close family, but do people give physical gifts when they don''t go to the wedding or do they just give cash? What do you tend to do when you''re invited to a wedding and can''t attend?

Thanks for the help, and sorry this is so long!
 
I think your registry sounds perfect as is. What you don''t get can be bought later at a discount, especially if you do get cash.

MOST of my gifts were sent to me before or after the wedding. Some showed up at the wedding, but that is sort of frowned upon and I certainly can''t see people lugging spatulas and pans to Italy, so I wouldn''t worry much about that.

And I also hate the handles on All Clad and am very happy with my Calphalon Contemporary Stainless set.
 
Thanks for the response, Sumbride!

I''ve also been considering the Calphalon Contemporary Stainless Steel set, but the tri-ply is $200 cheaper for the 13 piece set, and includes only two omelette/frying pans (I don''t think I really want three stainless steel ones...).
 
Go with your instincts!

I actually do use all 3 of mine, but not everybody would. The medium is perfect for sauteeing veggies. I use the bigger one for spinach and occasionally tossing pasta into a sauce. The small one I use for quick frying. I also have a few of the annodized (thus non-stick) fry pans. And a wok. I''m kind of into cooking. Luckily I finally got my pot rack up on the ceiling so they are all happily visible and thus used EVEN MORE now!
 
Have you thought about registering for individual pans rather than a set? People almost never end up using all the pans that come in those big sets anyhow--maybe think about what you like to cook and just register for the pans you''ll need for that stuff. Also, if you''ll be hosting Thanksgiving/Christmas dinners, don''t forget a roasting pan!
 
Thanks for the advice, sumbride and ladypirate.

Regarding buying individual pans instead of a set... I guess my issue is that I don''t entirely know which ones we''re going to need. We don''t do much cooking right now (although I''m hoping to change that soon, and once we have kids that will definitely be changing!). Right now I think we have a small, medium and big saucepan, all of which we use. I don''t know exactly how many quarts they are though. We have two frying pans that we use for making eggs, sausage and hash browns occasionally. Typically we make soup, pasta, or meals that come out of a box, lol. And we hate doing dishes so sometimes the pot we really want to use is dirty and so we use the other size one, haha. So having lots of sauce pans sounds like a good idea to me.

The set that I like has three covered sauce pans (1.5 qt, 3 qt, 4.5 qt), 2 frying pans (8" and 10"), a covered 3 qt. saute pan, and a 6 quart covered stockpot with a pasta insert. I know a lot of people say that pasta inserts don''t work that well but I thought it would be cool to at least try out, since more than half of the time that we cook something on the stove, we''re making pasta.

The only thing that I don''t know if we''ll use is a saute pan. I don''t even know what a saute pan is for. But I''m guessing that we''ll probably need one at some point??
 
Oh, about a roasting pan. We usually have two to three different places to go to for Thanksgiving and Christmas each year (my mom''s family, my dad''s family, FI''s family) so I doubt we''ll be making roasts that much. And I live close enough to my mom that I can just borrow hers when I need it, so I''m not really sure it''s worth it. I''ll give it a little more thought though.
 
I think your registry sounds great, but I would suggest breaking up some of the sets. It may be difficult for one person to afford the entire cookware set or flatware set, but it''s much easier on the wallet to buy a few place settings. A lot depends on the spending habits of your invitees, but I personally tried to keep most of my items under $100, with a hard limit of $200 for a single item.
 
The set actually sounds pretty useful, although you may find you want an 8-10 qt stockpot rather than a 6 qt, which seems pretty small to me. We never use our pasta insert, but if you like it, then that's cool. The saute pan is AWESOME. It's a wide shallow pan with a lid, and it's great for making spanish rice, making pasta sauce and mixing the pasta in before you serve it, making hash browns, etc. We're starting to upgrade our cookware, and I actually want to get two of them, one 2.5 qt and one 4 qt! Other pans you may want to consider adding are a couple of cast iron skillets (we use ours ALL THE TIME--once they're seasoned, they're basically nonstick and they're pretty inexpensive...look at the Lodge brand), a saucier pan (sort of like a saucepan, but curved at the bottom rather than having a 90 degree angle, good for things like risotto and sauces and can also double as an extra saucepan), and a dutch oven (le creuset is a popular brand, but expensive...you can get them for much less and they'll work more or less the same). Also, consider getting a couple of baking dishes--9x13 is a great size for a roast chicken, brownies, etc., and I like the 8 or 9" squares for doing roast potatoes for 2. Pyrex is a good brand--not fancy, but they'll last forever.

Good luck--where in Italy are you having your wedding?

ETA: Urseberry has a good point--people might want to buy you one or two pans as opposed to an entire set. On the other hand, if the set is cheaper than buying them all individually, I'd leave them like that.

ETA 2: Also, don't forget good knives!!! Good knives are one of the most important things in a kitchen--don't get a set of them, either. All you really need is one good 8 or 10 inch chef's knife, and 8 or 9 inch serrated bread knife, and a 3 or 3.5 inch paring knife.
 
Thanks for the advice, urseberry. The only sets we have are the cookware set and the fine china set. We put the china set on there because we are sure that someone from our families (probably immediate families or grandparents) will buy it for us (especially since after the 20% coupon that most people have, it''s only $160 and not $200), and the cookware set because we do need most of those things and that line of cookware doesn''t have all of the items available as open-stock. If no one buys it we will just buy it ourselves after.

I want to have a few high price items on there because we do have some family members who are very likely to spend more than $200. Were you thinking I should break up the sets because it isn''t likely people will buy it for us, or because it makes us look bad? If it will reflect badly on us then I will give more thought to changing it, but I guess I don''t think it''s outside the realm of possibility that a few people who are invited will spend more than the usual amount.
 
Nope, I don''t think it will make you look bad. As long as the registry fits the spending habits of your guests, and it sounds like it does, you will be fine. It sounds like you really need the items, and you''re putting pretty traditional stuff on the registry, so I don''t see how anyone could judge you in a bad light for it.

Congrats on the engagement and upcoming wedding. It sounds like you have a big group of people who are happy to travel to your wedding and/or buy nice gifts. Yay!
 
Thanks, ladypirate! We''re getting married in Cortona. I can''t wait!
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We do have some pretty good knives already, so I don''t think we''re going to register for those (I asked FI about it and he seemed to think the ones he bought a few years ago are good enough to warrant keeping...I''ll check them out though).

Thanks for the explanation on the saute pan and other pans! It does sound very useful. We did register for some Pyrex baking dishes and also some mixing bowls, and my mom has a bunch of le creuset stuff that she''s going to give us (it''s brand new, never taken out of the box - she had a friend that could get them for very cheap through work and so she stocked up!). I need to check with her to see exactly what she has though.
 
Thanks, urseberry! We have about 40 people who will be attending the wedding, which I think is pretty good for a destination wedding in Italy!
 
I think it sounds good! Keep the tri-ply on there, if you think you''ll use the most of the set, and register for some nice-non-stick fry pans separately. Normally you aren''t supposed to register for a set because you get the wrong mix of stuff and its too expensive all at once, but one or two big ticket items sounds about right.

You might also consider some cheaper items for the showers, such as all kinds of $10 kitchen items (peelers, bowls, etc), baking pans (little more expensive), and maybe towels.
 
Date: 5/16/2008 5:08:34 PM
Author: espressa
Thanks, ladypirate! We''re getting married in Cortona. I can''t wait!
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I was in Cortona a couple of years ago on a Saturday and I saw about 5 foreign wedding parties (all British it seemd)! Seems like a popular place to get hitched. It''s obvious why though. A very sweet little town in a gorgeous setting. Very romantic!

I assume you know about the legal requirement to marry at the city hall before a religious ceremony ''counts'' in Italy and that you''ve started in on the mountains of paperwork? Just checking, because I know it can take a couple of months for the paperwork to clear.

Is your family from that part of Italy or do you just like the town?
 
cara, thanks for the suggestions. I do have some cheaper kitchen items on there but I'll go back through and see if there's anything else we need.

Independent Gal, we have a wedding planner who is also taking care of all of the legal paperwork for us, which is helping a lot. We aren't religious, so we're just having the ceremony in the city hall. We chose Cortona because it was one of the closest city halls to our reception location, and we liked it best out of our choices.
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FI's grandmother is from a small town in Italy, so we're visiting that town when we first arrive, before we head to Perugia for the castle.

I saw your photos of your first wedding party and I was wondering if the ceremony was in a city hall in Italy? It looked familiar from the pictures I've seen. If so, any information you could give me about how the ceremony went would be great. I've found a transcript of what's usually said, but I haven't started bugging my wedding planner for details yet.
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I think I remember reading that you thought it was a little bit funny/weird, so any input would be great. Thanks!
 
Espressa,
Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I totally understand your issues, especially the cookware saga!
Like you, I want a stainless stell set & just one or two nonstick pans (because they don''t last).
Full cookware sets can be very expensive....this might sound weird but have you checked eBay for your set? FI & I bought our all clad set for 40% less than retail!
I did a quick search for yours....
http://cgi.ebay.com/CALPHALON-CONTEMPORARY-STAINLESS-10-PIECE-COOKWARE-SET_W0QQitemZ250248827644QQihZ015QQcategoryZ46277QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
http://cgi.ebay.com/Calphalon-Tri-Ply-Stainless-Steel-13-pc-Cookware-Set_W0QQitemZ350060373986QQihZ022QQcategoryZ46277QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
http://cgi.ebay.com/Calphalon-Tri-Ply-Stainless-Steel-10-pc-Cookware-Set_W0QQitemZ350060385158QQihZ022QQcategoryZ46277QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
My FI''s parents just gave me the money for it & they brought it to the shower so it was from them!
Hope this helps & let us know your progress
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Oooh, have a fantastic time in Cortona, it''s so beautiful. I used to go there a lot when I lived in Arezzo.

Fabulous place for photographs as well!
 
Register for what you want, and know that it is not possible to please all folks with the existence or non-existence of various items on the registry.
Since my previous post about guests wanting me to add more stuff or telling me I was too big for my britches registering for china, two people have emailed me and one sent a gift card, all saying how they were upset by how limited the registry is.

You can''t make everyone happy, so just do what you need to do and send thank yous quickly for whatever they are kind enough to send.
 
HaloAngel, thanks for the idea about checking ebay for better prices. I''ll give that some thought! I really appreciate you going to the trouble to find some links for me, as well.
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Pandora, thanks! I''m really hoping we can get some great pictures, too.
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swimmer, I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I''m sorry people gave you such a hard time about your registry. One of the hardest parts about this wedding has been dealing with the fact that no matter what I do, someone is going to be less than pleased about it. I will certainly keep your advice in mind. Thanks!
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