Registry Etiquette

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Hey all, sorry i have been MIA! School + wedding + house = busy spbc!

Anyway, speaking of wedding, we are about 8 months out and FI (Ben) and I have just started talking about our registry. We have not done any shopping or anything like that, we've just been discussing the logistics behind it.

In any case, we both have different views on registries. My background is Chinese, and traditionally, we usually just give money. Ben hasn't been to many weddings as an adult, and so he's not very familiar with them either. From our experiences of attending 2 weddings together, we have always picked something from the couple's registries. My view on it is that a registry makes it easier for wedding guests to get us a wedding gift if they choose. Everyone has different styles, and a newlyweds are no different. By having a registry, they don't have to think very hard about what they want to get us. This is especially convenient for relatives who we love, but may not know what our style is regarding kitchenware, bedding, etc.

Ben's view is that it's a superficial means of getting gifts from others. He thinks that gifts should be thoughtful and should be something picked out by the guest, and that way it's truly from their heart. I understand where he's coming from, but I think this would be especially difficult for friends and family who don't know our styles well.

So we decided to register for only the things we need - kitchenware and bedding. This will probably total less than 50 items, and we're expecting about 130 guests. We decided to link our registry to a local charity so people could donate money there, or they have the option of picking a gift out themselves or giving money (probably most of my side). Would it be better to have no registry at all?

Does this seem OK? I don't want to frustrate any guests regarding gifts. We're also cool with people not getting gifts at all, since it's all optional to begin with. I just want to make sure I'm not breaking any wedding rules or etiquette!

 

[PavePrincess]

I don't think you should eliminate your registry. I think there are quite a few people out there (me) who don't like to give cash as a gift, but still want to give something that the couple really wants. The concept of registering for gifts somewhat irks me as well and makes me feel uncomfortable, but as a guest it's such a useful tool.

If there are other things that you want/need, I'd suggest expanding your registry. Recently, a friend from school got married and she had a very limited registry. My other friend and I were not invited by wanted to get her a gift and this made it a little bit hard.. Then again another friend is eloping and registered for a 40' flat screen tv so, I can't say I didn't cringe when I saw that registry. To each his own.. hehe

Good luck with everything! Your current plan sounds very reasonable.

 

[megumic]

I think you're fine. We registered for only the essentials and it came to more than 50 items -- have fun with it. Some people will give nothing, some will hit the registry, some will give you whatever they want and others will give money. I think the only etiquette about gifts is to not ask for them, or mention where you're registered until asked, or to list where you're registered directly on an invitation.

 

[vc10um]

What use is a gift from the heart if you and your FI both hate it and would never ever use it? As a guest, I would much rather get you something I know you would want, love, and use, then something that was "from my heart" and just sat collecting dust, or got returned immediately after opening!

I think your current plan is fine. Perhaps, since you're having many more guests than items currently on your registry, you could look into a honeymoon registry? Some of them, like honeyfund.com and travelersjoy.com allow you to create your own "events" or "items" on the list and assign dollar amounts so people can purchase experiences for you instead of items. For example, if you were going to a Caribbean location for your honeymoon, you might have as an item "Snorkeling excursion: We'd love to swim with the fishes, in a good way!" Request 2, each at $50 or something. And then someone can buy you that snorkeling excursion, and you can thank them for the wonderful memories (perhaps with a goofy picture of you in your snorkeling masks) when you get home!

 

[rosetta]

I think you're fine. We registered for only the essentials and it came to more than 50 items -- have fun with it. Some people will give nothing, some will hit the registry, some will give you whatever they want and others will give money. I think the only etiquette about gifts is to not ask for them, or mention where you're registered until asked, or to list where you're registered directly on an invitation.

I plan to have a registry, but how do I go about letting people know about it? I don't want to put it in the invitation, we don't have a website, and our guests are coming from all over the world and don't know each other so can't spread word. Some guests are from a culture where jewellery is given, and I DO NOT want anymore jewellery (far too personal and no one gets others taste right)

Any bright ideas appreciated!

 

[slg47]

I think you're fine. We registered for only the essentials and it came to more than 50 items -- have fun with it. Some people will give nothing, some will hit the registry, some will give you whatever they want and others will give money. I think the only etiquette about gifts is to not ask for them, or mention where you're registered until asked, or to list where you're registered directly on an invitation.

I plan to have a registry, but how do I go about letting people know about it? I don't want to put it in the invitation, we don't have a website, and our guests are coming from all over the world and don't know each other so can't spread word. Some guests are from a culture where jewellery is given, and I DO NOT want anymore jewellery (far too personal and no one gets others taste right)

Any bright ideas appreciated!

rosetta-do you think your invited guests will ask around to where you are registered? you can tell your close family members and bridal party members, and if someone asks them where you are registered they can let them know...

or why not create a website? (not that you have to, just curious)

 

[amc80]

I think if I were in your situation, I would do a website. Especially since you have guests coming in from all over. You could have accommodations, activity ideas, maps, etc. I think it would be really helpful to your guests.

 

[rosetta]

thanks guys, i have absolutely NO clue how to set up a website. Neither does the FI!

is there some sort of idiot's guide i could follow??

 

[amc80]

thanks guys, i have absolutely NO clue how to set up a website. Neither does the FI!

is there some sort of idiot's guide i could follow??

There are a lot of sites where you can easily make a free website. Try theknot. com.

 

[sillyberry]

thanks guys, i have absolutely NO clue how to set up a website. Neither does the FI!

is there some sort of idiot's guide i could follow??

Yep! Just google "wedding website" and you'll come up with a bunch of different free options (the knot, ewedding, etc) and other options with a cost associated.

Trust me - the wedding industry has definitely made it easy!

 

[vc10um]

I'm doing ours through weddingwire.com and it has been super easy to set up the website. They have a lot of different page layouts already set up for you and all you have to do is write what you want! They have a map function where you can put different indicators for your different locations and guests can get directions between them...it's awesome.

 

[rosetta]

Thanks all

I'll give it a shot!

 

[AustenNut]

We did our wedding website via mywedding.com. That way the link was much shorter (www.mywedding.com/myfirstandhisfirst) rather than some of the really weird and long urls that the knot gives. And I think most of the wedding websites make it easy to set up.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thank you for the responses, they have been really helpful!

I'm trying to find a balance between making it easier for our guests but not come off as superficial. My main concern is making our guests frustrated regarding gifts, and I don't want to make them feel like their last resort is to give money if there's nothing left in our registry and they don't want to give to charity.

I really LOVE the honeymoon idea since we're not sure if we'll have money left over for a honeymoon. We are trying to go to China so my future hubby can meet my grandfather, who is deteriorating and may not be with us a lot longer. Ben has also never been to China and I need to expose him to my culture! But because of the money thing, we may just be able have to fly to visit my grandfather, and do stuff where he lives (which is not much) rather than take time to travel around the country and maybe nearby places too. But with this honeymoon fund thing, I don't think guests could purchase an experience directly for us, so how would it work? Like, say we would like to visit Tibet. I have no idea what kinds of things could be purchased and done there, but we both want to see it so badly, and just take in the sights and visit temples and whatnot. And since neither I nor my fiance speak Mandarin, we want to go to Beijing together, so could we ask for "Translator to navigate the Forbidden City"? And we would also have to estimate the costs too?
--> Has anyone had a honeymoon registry? How did it turn out? Were guests taken back by it, or did they think it was a cool idea?

 

[lucyandroger]

take a look at http://www.honeyfund.com

 

[swingirl]

A registry is just a suggestion. If someone wants to buy a gift that's not listed, that's fine. The registry doesn't prevent them from doing so. But if someone wants to buy a gift and doesn't know if your bathroom is blue or green, it's a kindness to them for that question being answered in the registry. Honestly, no one want to get you the 4th blender. And if it's someone's tradition to give cash they won't even be looking at the registry information.

The registry is a common and established tradition (well, as old as department stores) and benefits both the guest and the couple.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think you definitely need a registry. The people who will go out of their way to get you a personalized gift will do that regardless. The ones who need help will love the usefulness of the registry. Otherwise, you're going to get a lot of mismatched towels, picture frames and blenders--most of which have no gift receipts or were bought at a hundred different stores which may not even be in your area.

You said that some of the family is Chinese, so if it is culturally accepted and expected to give cash as a gift, then you could explain to close relatives what you want to do with the cash (visit your grandfather) and I think they would be sympathetic and accepting. I wouldn't stretch this to the non-Chinese though, since it would be considered rude.