sandia_rose
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2007
- Messages
- 314
I posted about this on another thread, but something that was said on the Living Together Before Marriage thread made me repost this as its own topic. You ladies always give good advice, which is why I am posting here (my two best girlfriends are also at work now....otherwise, I'd talk it over with them):
If you've been reading my posts, my BF and I have been on the roller coaster ride lately. But I decided that he's who I want. We had a tough 6 months, then we had a great almost-week vacation away which went well, and things had been getting better since we got back. I had a lot of time during my vacation to think and make up my mind about the relationship. I'm not going to complain about commitment anymore -- because I am choosing to stay in this relationship as opposed to push for more than he's willing to give me. And I also realized that I like him in my life and don't want to walk. If we get engaged, great! If not, then I have to be happy with that. And as I said, things have been going better.....until last night. Stupid STUPID me had a couple of drinks last night and I blew something out of proportion that I shouldn't have. I had gone to bed before him and was sitting up reading with a cup of tea. He took a shower, came into bed, looked at me and said, "Are you OK?" I said, "Yeah, fine. I'm really tired." And he said, "Have you been drinking?" I said, "I had a few. Why, what's the problem? The kids are in bed and so am I right now. I'm not bothering anybody." And then he said, "Well, the look in your eye just rubbed me the wrong way. It's like you're closet drinking." And I said, "I am not. It's not like you don't know I drink now and then -- and I'm drinking green tea right now. And I can't control the look in my eye." And he said, "Well, it just rubbed me the wrong way."
This was probably the Long Island Iced Tea, but I got very, very annoyed at him. I snapped with, "I am sick of having to live by your ex's standards." That is not what he meant by "rubbed me the wrong way," but it's how I took it. My BF has never said that I can't drink in his house -- he drinks occasionally as well. He said one time that he's leery of people who drink more than 1 or 2, because he's been involved with people with problems. But he drinks and know I do - this is not a secret. I don't have a problem, it's obvious that I don't, and I feel like I have to bend over backwards to prove that I don't have one. My BF's ex, as I've often posted, has alcohol and substance issues. And I've been down the "proving" road before and promised myself I'd never go there again. My ex husband's father was a bad alcoholic, and as a result, my ex could not stand anyone drinking at all. The one or two times during our marriage that he saw me buzzed were treated as federal offenses, and maybe I was reacting to that memory. Anyway, I went to grab my overnight bag and almost walked out because I got annoyed, until he told me to just go home....and then he rethought it and asked me to come to bed.
Obviously, I felt like an @ss this morning. I knew what I did and said and was contrite. His take on it was, "You were buzzed and the drama wouldn't have happened if you weren't....but let's just put it aside and move on." He also said, "I don't know why it rubbed me the wrong way - you did nothing wrong. It's not like I'm a saint. Maybe it's both our conditioning. And remember, YOU upped the ante by saying you were leaving...so I snapped back by telling you to just go." But on the other hand, with his ex's substance problems, I feel like I'm not allowed license to be a human being. IMO, there is nothing wrong with a few drinks at the end of (what was for me) a stressful day at work. I'm a responsible adult who has a good job, I do not drink every day and rarely am buzzed if I do, and if I am, I don't bother anyone else, drunk dial, drink and drive, etc....but I said as much last night: I am tired of having to feel like I have to be over-the-top perfect to compensate for what his ex put him through. I said to him, "If something is a problem to you, then make me aware of the rule and how you want me to handle it. I don't know what I did wrong." He says I did nothing wrong but shoot off my mouth and overreact, and that again, since he drinks, he can't very well tell me not to.
I dunno what to think of myself/the situation/. I feel bad today (emotionally bad, not hung-over bad...I wasn't that gone). What's that phrase my mom used to use, "I'm not punishing you for X - you do a good enough job yourself." Yes, I know that overreacting was stupid and immature and didn't need to happen.
Am I blowing this out of proportion, too? Should I just let this go? I'm worried because my BF and I are spending a lot more time together lately before making the decision to move in together, and I'm worried/paranoid that I wielded some damage.
Bridget in Connecticut.
If you've been reading my posts, my BF and I have been on the roller coaster ride lately. But I decided that he's who I want. We had a tough 6 months, then we had a great almost-week vacation away which went well, and things had been getting better since we got back. I had a lot of time during my vacation to think and make up my mind about the relationship. I'm not going to complain about commitment anymore -- because I am choosing to stay in this relationship as opposed to push for more than he's willing to give me. And I also realized that I like him in my life and don't want to walk. If we get engaged, great! If not, then I have to be happy with that. And as I said, things have been going better.....until last night. Stupid STUPID me had a couple of drinks last night and I blew something out of proportion that I shouldn't have. I had gone to bed before him and was sitting up reading with a cup of tea. He took a shower, came into bed, looked at me and said, "Are you OK?" I said, "Yeah, fine. I'm really tired." And he said, "Have you been drinking?" I said, "I had a few. Why, what's the problem? The kids are in bed and so am I right now. I'm not bothering anybody." And then he said, "Well, the look in your eye just rubbed me the wrong way. It's like you're closet drinking." And I said, "I am not. It's not like you don't know I drink now and then -- and I'm drinking green tea right now. And I can't control the look in my eye." And he said, "Well, it just rubbed me the wrong way."
This was probably the Long Island Iced Tea, but I got very, very annoyed at him. I snapped with, "I am sick of having to live by your ex's standards." That is not what he meant by "rubbed me the wrong way," but it's how I took it. My BF has never said that I can't drink in his house -- he drinks occasionally as well. He said one time that he's leery of people who drink more than 1 or 2, because he's been involved with people with problems. But he drinks and know I do - this is not a secret. I don't have a problem, it's obvious that I don't, and I feel like I have to bend over backwards to prove that I don't have one. My BF's ex, as I've often posted, has alcohol and substance issues. And I've been down the "proving" road before and promised myself I'd never go there again. My ex husband's father was a bad alcoholic, and as a result, my ex could not stand anyone drinking at all. The one or two times during our marriage that he saw me buzzed were treated as federal offenses, and maybe I was reacting to that memory. Anyway, I went to grab my overnight bag and almost walked out because I got annoyed, until he told me to just go home....and then he rethought it and asked me to come to bed.
Obviously, I felt like an @ss this morning. I knew what I did and said and was contrite. His take on it was, "You were buzzed and the drama wouldn't have happened if you weren't....but let's just put it aside and move on." He also said, "I don't know why it rubbed me the wrong way - you did nothing wrong. It's not like I'm a saint. Maybe it's both our conditioning. And remember, YOU upped the ante by saying you were leaving...so I snapped back by telling you to just go." But on the other hand, with his ex's substance problems, I feel like I'm not allowed license to be a human being. IMO, there is nothing wrong with a few drinks at the end of (what was for me) a stressful day at work. I'm a responsible adult who has a good job, I do not drink every day and rarely am buzzed if I do, and if I am, I don't bother anyone else, drunk dial, drink and drive, etc....but I said as much last night: I am tired of having to feel like I have to be over-the-top perfect to compensate for what his ex put him through. I said to him, "If something is a problem to you, then make me aware of the rule and how you want me to handle it. I don't know what I did wrong." He says I did nothing wrong but shoot off my mouth and overreact, and that again, since he drinks, he can't very well tell me not to.
I dunno what to think of myself/the situation/. I feel bad today (emotionally bad, not hung-over bad...I wasn't that gone). What's that phrase my mom used to use, "I'm not punishing you for X - you do a good enough job yourself." Yes, I know that overreacting was stupid and immature and didn't need to happen.
Am I blowing this out of proportion, too? Should I just let this go? I'm worried because my BF and I are spending a lot more time together lately before making the decision to move in together, and I'm worried/paranoid that I wielded some damage.
Bridget in Connecticut.