Ready for my story and advice-seeking? =)

[wishinpink]

I don''t think I''ve ever fully typed out my story, so here it goes!

I met my boyfriend in college in the dorms, and we were really good friends for the first several years. We started dating in his last year (he''s one year older than me). After he graduated, he went to the NY for medical school. I stayed behind to finish my last year of undergraduate, and this last year, I stayed behind to prepare for my application for a Master''s in piano performance. We''ve been together now for over 2 years (a lot of it was long distance), and we are planning on getting married! (and I know he has the ring). We''re absolutely in love with each other, we''re positive each other are "the one," and are both very ready to be married.

The problem:

I''ve applied to NY music schools near him so that we can be in the same place, but of course, East Coast schools are quite hard to get into for music . I will hear back on April 1st what schools I get into!!! If I don''t get in, then I will be going to school in Vancouver Canada (because I got into a school there), which means long distance for 2 more years!! (PLEASE NO!) Both of us want to get married ASAP, but our plans are restricting us from doing so!

Here is my running list of problems we are currently running in to =( :

1. NY Music schools are REALLY expensive. My parents will be helping me pay for some of it, but the rest I will have to pay for in loans. If we get married while he''s in med school and I''m in a master''s program (has no TA positions or income producing methods), neither of us will have an income, and we''ll be dependent on parents and loans to get money. I feel really weird about getting married, while still dependent on our parents (they''d be supporting everything!!!!), because I''ve always viewed marriage as kind of a you are independent and supporting yourselves type of thing. Plus, not that it matters, I''d feel kinda embarassed telling my friends that our parents are paying for everything (and my parents aren''t exactly rich either). On the other hand, if we didn''t get married, my parents would still be helping pay for me, and his parents paying for him, so really, there''s no financial difference, and the extra money spent on our wedding/honeymoon, probably equates to what I''d save in rent. lol.

In a little more than 2 years my bf will be in residency, and making a small salary (but probably not enough to pay our parents back until he becomes a full blown doctor). We could wait to get married then, but that will be EVEN more busy and hectic due to his busy schedule. Any med school students/ married med students/ doctors/ doctor spouses want to chime in for when''s a good time?

2. If I do go to NY, I''d feel safer + it''d save money, if we lived together. However, living together before marriage is not an option for us due to our beliefs. So if we wanted to live together, we''d have to be married. This means, that for the first year, I''m going to have to find an apartment somewhere in the city, which will be crazy expensive. My boyfriend lives in the bronx right now, and his rent is crazy cheap because it''s school subsidized. Really, the only thing stopping us from getting married is the financial issues mentioned above, and also timing.

3. We''re somehow going to have to find a time where I''m on break from school, and he''s also free... but of course, once I go to school, I will be in a perpetual flurry of practicing, and he will be invisible due to running around doing clinical rotations.

The logistics are so

. Any advice? He''s holding the ring hostage because we don''t want there to be a proposal, and have people asking us what our plan is, and for us to .. not have a plan!

*sorry this post is so long and complicated!!!*

 

[FrekeChild]

YIKES!!! You have quite the situation going on there!

So first of all, I hope you get into a NYC school!!!

Second, if you DON''T get into school there, how about this for a plan... Get married. Take a year off of school. Get a job. Save every cent you can. And then reapply to those schools in NY and maybe even some in surrounding areas.

Hey, it''s an idea at least right?

There are a few Med students/doctors around who would probably be very happy to give you an idea of what your BF has in store and when would be best to get married. I hope that they chime in!!!

 

[jcarlylew]

good idea freke - I bet there are tons of ways that you can still use your music as a career in NYC. i mean, its NYC!!


sorry i don''t have much advice

 

[smiles]

Ditto to Freke''s idea or a spin off there-of.
While it may stink, I think you have to decide what is more important to you right now. To be married or to pursue a Masters. He is already in schoo and started working towards being a doctor so I don''t feel that it would make sense for him to stop. You can always get your masters in a year or two. If you get in, can you defer? If you two want to get married and are so ready right now that this is what you want, you may have to put off your career/schooling dreams for a year or two to make some money.

 

[CNOS128]

I think Freke''s suggestion would be a great idea, except for the fact that you''re marrying a med student. When he''s ready to start a residency program, he may not have a lot of control over where he matches, and he very realistically may have to move again.

How long does it take to complete a master''s in piano performance? If it''s a couple of years, I think you should go to the school you get into (and that''s even better if it''s in NY), and finish school before you get married. I say this simply because, even if you change your plans to stay in NY and put off school, there''s no guarantee he''ll get into a residency program in NY or, alternatively, in any place close to where you''re in a program. But if you''re finished with school, you can go with him wherever he matches.

good luck.

 

[wishinpink]

Date: 3/13/2009 8:23:39 AM
Author: TheBigT
I think Freke's suggestion would be a great idea, except for the fact that you're marrying a med student. When he's ready to start a residency program, he may not have a lot of control over where he matches, and he very realistically may have to move again.

How long does it take to complete a master's in piano performance? If it's a couple of years, I think you should go to the school you get into (and that's even better if it's in NY), and finish school before you get married. I say this simply because, even if you change your plans to stay in NY and put off school, there's no guarantee he'll get into a residency program in NY or, alternatively, in any place close to where you're in a program. But if you're finished with school, you can go with him wherever he matches.

good luck.

Thanks for the suggestions! I forgot to add a couple more details lol!

1. A Master's in music takes 2 years. If I get in and go September 2009, we will graduate at the same time, thereby enabling me to move where he matches for residency. Which is why I cannot take a year off to work. Plus, I've already taken one year off now just to prepare my piano program for audition, so I don't want to take off another year. (TheBigT, you are right, if I don't get into NY, I would put off marriage, go to Vancouver, and finish school and go where he matches. The only other problem we've been considering about this is, 1. residency is even busier, 2. we'd prefer not to wait so long!)

2. I am in a bit of a time crunch because I plan on getting my doctorate's in music to be a piano professor, which means to do this, I need to finish the rest of my school ASAP, because I still have another 2-3 years after my master's of extra school, and also will have many "Future" things to think about like- having kids, marriage, family life, etc. I cannot take another year off =( because well, in the classical world, you are racing against time. The better you play VERSUS others of your age group, the better off you are. I've already been out of school for a year and feeling very unmotivated and falling behind.

3. I can make some money on the side from teaching piano while in school, but I guarantee it wont' be enough money to cover most necessities. lol ^_^;

 

[tlh]

I dont think there is a set "plan" for a proposal, other than.. you "plan" on getting married. People are fine w/ long engagements... (anything over a year) as long as you are talking about it.

Being engaged is awesome, being married is that much better.

Best wishes!

 

[FrekeChild]

With those additional details...I guess you just have to wait and see. So scratch my first post, because that doesn''t work at all.

 

[iluvcarats]

Hi Rosebud
I don''t know if switching med schools is an option for your bf, but it sounds like Rochester NY is the perfect place for you guys.
The univ. of Rochester Med School is top notch, and so is the Eastman School of Music. And it is so affordable to live here. You can get an amazing apartment or even house for very little $. My DH went to Med. School there and our first apartment was amazing, and he did his residency there as well so we bought a beautiful house (his residency was 6 years) for around $85000. If he can''t switch, maybe he could try to match there. We are still here by the way, and love it. No traffic and Wegman''s

 

[wishinpink]

Date: 3/13/2009 2:02:10 PM
Author: iluvcarats
Hi Rosebud
I don''t know if switching med schools is an option for your bf, but it sounds like Rochester NY is the perfect place for you guys.
The univ. of Rochester Med School is top notch, and so is the Eastman School of Music. And it is so affordable to live here. You can get an amazing apartment or even house for very little $. My DH went to Med. School there and our first apartment was amazing, and he did his residency there as well so we bought a beautiful house (his residency was 6 years) for around $85000. If he can''t switch, maybe he could try to match there. We are still here by the way, and love it. No traffic and Wegman''s

Hi!! hahaha Eastman School of Music-- I ALMOST applied there, and then I decided I wouldn''t be able to get in, so I didn''t ^_^;; I don''t think he can switch med schools =(. We will definitely consider there for a match place, thanks for the tip! Sounds lovely!

 

[wishinpink]

Date: 3/13/2009 1:48:07 PM
Author: FrekeChild
With those additional details...I guess you just have to wait and see. So scratch my first post, because that doesn''t work at all.

Awhh, well, first step- See what schools I get into right? =P

After that.... there will be a lot of planning, lol!

 

[icet]

Hi!

I had been dating my DH since I was in high school and married him 10 year later when I was a first year resident/intern. I did not want to get married during med school because it was hard enough to get through school and honestly I am glad I waited.

I was in a LDR and it was fine, it worked out actually really well - obviously! I was able to concentrate on school and we worked hard to keep our communication intact which I think is the key.

I would not take a year off if I were you, just get it over with at the same time as your FF. Med school is a tough and it takes up alot of your time so if you were to take time off to be with your FF you may get frustrated that he may not have enough time for you and you may even resent the fact that you sacrificed so much to be with him when his priorities may not put you first at this time while he is in school. Plus the fact that getting into a music program is extremely competitive, you may never get this opportunity to put all your efforts into getting into a good program is another great reason to hold off.

I have seen med students marry each other but they''re parents still supported them. Mine would not if I had gotten married while I was still in school and I would have been really in a tough siituation. I think a good time to get married for a med student is probably during their last year because you know where you will be going afterwards for residency and most rotations are light by then or another good time would be when you are finished with school because then you can find a good job while he is still a student.

I know it sounds like i''m a downer but honestly I am sooo glad I waited, it really would have been trying on our relationship if I got married while in medschool - and I did not want to live with my BF before I got married - though no real reason why though. But to me the wait was worth it

Good luck!

 

[wishinpink]

Date: 3/13/2009 4:27:05 PM
Author: icet
Hi!

I had been dating my DH since I was in high school and married him 10 year later when I was a first year resident/intern. I did not want to get married during med school because it was hard enough to get through school and honestly I am glad I waited.

I was in a LDR and it was fine, it worked out actually really well - obviously! I was able to concentrate on school and we worked hard to keep our communication intact which I think is the key.

I would not take a year off if I were you, just get it over with at the same time as your FF. Med school is a tough and it takes up alot of your time so if you were to take time off to be with your FF you may get frustrated that he may not have enough time for you and you may even resent the fact that you sacrificed so much to be with him when his priorities may not put you first at this time while he is in school. Plus the fact that getting into a music program is extremely competitive, you may never get this opportunity to put all your efforts into getting into a good program is another great reason to hold off.

I have seen med students marry each other but they''re parents still supported them. Mine would not if I had gotten married while I was still in school and I would have been really in a tough siituation. I think a good time to get married for a med student is probably during their last year because you know where you will be going afterwards for residency and most rotations are light by then or another good time would be when you are finished with school because then you can find a good job while he is still a student.

I know it sounds like i''m a downer but honestly I am sooo glad I waited, it really would have been trying on our relationship if I got married while in medschool - and I did not want to live with my BF before I got married - though no real reason why though. But to me the wait was worth it

Good luck!

Thank you very much for your advice, and everyone else so far! i will let you guys know about what schools I get into, and then decisions will be made from there i guess!

 

[katamari]

It sounds like you and your FF are going about it as best you can. You are both choosing professions that require dedication and lots of attention, so this will be good practice for your relationship. I think anything you decide will work out just fine, as long as you are both committed to making sure it works.