Reaching Out

[Cehrabehra]

When you''re feeling down or blue or discombobulated, how do reach out to your friends? Do you call them? Drop hints? Beg for attention? How do you go about this? Do you feel awkward about it? Uncomfortable with whining or complaining about whatever it is that has you down?

Just curious how others deal with this because I''m lousy at it.

 

[dragonfly411]

I tend to talk to my friends somehow, but I always feel guilty for taking my problems to other people. At the same time, it''s hard for me to hold things in.

 

[yssie]

I generally withdraw into myself and tell everyone who asks to leave me alone, because the vast majority of me does want to be left alone. But a tiny little part hopes they ignore that and keep prodding anyway... I do feel guilty burdening other people with my problems.


Mature, I know

. FI has made me better about just saying what's wrong so we can address the issue instead of chewing on it.

 

[elrohwen]

I generally don''t seek friends out when I''m feeling down - I just talk to DH or my mom about it. If I happen to be seeing some friends, or talking to one on the phone while I''m feeling down, I''ll bring it up briefly. If it''s a super close friend, I might complain for a while and just get it out there. If it''s not a super close friend, I might whine for 30 seconds, then let it go. I think it''s helpful sometimes to say what''s bothering me quickly, then tell myself to let it go because I''m supposed to be having fun with my friends.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I usually call or send a message that I''d love to meet up for a drink or a coffee, does tonight or tomorrow work? You might add that you''ve had a hard week and could really use a laugh--that usually puts across the message that you''re having a tough time and need to decompress.

Waiting for someone to notice is usually a sure recipe for disappointment. Most people are busy with whatever is going on with their own lives and need a little prod to notice that you''re upset. Also, it helps if you are meeting up with these friends on a regular basis--not just when you have something specific to talk about. It''s a lot more rewarding to be a friend for all times, not just the bad times.

 

[Cehrabehra]

eaten post - waaah

I just want to say that I''m not using this to try to reach out, I''m trying to figure out how to deal with this in my real life.

I am like you Yssie - I withdraw into myself very quietly and brush off any queries just to find myself totally alone and wondering why no one seems to care. I''m sure it''s immature but when you feel like that it''s not the time to be told that - what you want more than anything is love and comfort not "oh but you''re doing it wrong" lol

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 6/3/2010 10:59:14 AM
Author: elrohwen
I generally don''t seek friends out when I''m feeling down - I just talk to DH or my mom about it. If I happen to be seeing some friends, or talking to one on the phone while I''m feeling down, I''ll bring it up briefly. If it''s a super close friend, I might complain for a while and just get it out there. If it''s not a super close friend, I might whine for 30 seconds, then let it go. I think it''s helpful sometimes to say what''s bothering me quickly, then tell myself to let it go because I''m supposed to be having fun with my friends.

This is what I do too. My biggest sounding boards are my mom and my husband. I don''t typically run to my friends because I don''t want to bother them or burden them with things I''m dealing with or going through. It''s funny though, if one of my friends said that to me, I''d say she was being silly -- OF COURSE I''d want to be there for her in any way possible. For some reason, however, I see it differently when it comes to my own problems.

 

[Kaleigh]

I only reach out to a few people, and they do the same to me. We are a great support network. But mostly I talk to DH. Depends what it''s about really.

 

[Shoopy]

I have no friends

. At least none that would care enough to listen to my entire conversation before interrupting with their own story. I am very blessed to have a FI that can read my face and know when my attitude has changed so he''ll ask what''s up. He''s also the only person that actively listens to what I''m saying.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/3/2010 11:45:34 AM
Author: Zoe

Date: 6/3/2010 10:59:14 AM

Author: elrohwen

I generally don''t seek friends out when I''m feeling down - I just talk to DH or my mom about it. If I happen to be seeing some friends, or talking to one on the phone while I''m feeling down, I''ll bring it up briefly. If it''s a super close friend, I might complain for a while and just get it out there. If it''s not a super close friend, I might whine for 30 seconds, then let it go. I think it''s helpful sometimes to say what''s bothering me quickly, then tell myself to let it go because I''m supposed to be having fun with my friends.

This is what I do too. My biggest sounding boards are my mom and my husband. I don''t typically run to my friends because I don''t want to bother them or burden them with things I''m dealing with or going through. It''s funny though, if one of my friends said that to me, I''d say she was being silly -- OF COURSE I''d want to be there for her in any way possible. For some reason, however, I see it differently when it comes to my own problems.

I''m like that too Zoe - I am always there for friends, and I''m good at noticing and encouraging. My mom is long gone though and I''m upset with my husband and at myself... There are a couple people around here I''d like to talk with but I don''t know how to approach them as we aren''t that close yet. Other than them I feel alone here and mostly I just know I''m a big dweeb!

 

[RaiKai]

I talk to DH about things - whether it is as I am feeling blue or feeling ecstatic. About everything really.

I don't really have any qualms about talking to him (and he talks to me too) as he listens compassionately and actively, rather than trying to fix, and always has some good thoughts on things too. While he does notice if something is wrong, I don't hesitate to talk to him either so he notices without me actually moping about it or anything. And he keeps me real and honest, so I often really see things in a whole new way once we have talked. I can't really say I am much of one for self-pity though either. If I need a couple minutes to vent, than I do, but it is generally not something I wallow in.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor though, in a general sense? They won't let you wallow in self pity long either, but they might help you get to the root of some of these fears or insecurities that you have expressed a few times as of having and really transform those feelings. I don't know, but both DH and I have both done individual counseling through our lives and really found it to be such a benefit in our lives, in how aware we are of our own feelings, take responsibility for them, how we communicate those feelings and so on to others, and so on. And it has had a tremendously positive impact on our sense of selves as well as our relationships with other people. There does not have to be anything specifically "wrong" to see one, they may be able to help you with some of these general anxieties you feel (i.e. about approaching others).

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/3/2010 12:45:07 PM
Author: RaiKai
Have you thought about seeing a counselor though, in a general sense? They won''t let you wallow in self pity long either, but they might help you get to the root of some of these fears or insecurities that you have expressed a few times as of having and really transform those feelings. I don''t know, but both DH and I have both done individual counseling through our lives and really found it to be such a benefit in our lives, in how aware we are of our own feelings, take responsibility for them, how we communicate those feelings and so on to others, and so on. And it has had a tremendously positive impact on our sense of selves as well as our relationships with other people. There does not have to be anything specifically ''wrong'' to see one, they may be able to help you with some of these general anxieties you feel (i.e. about approaching others).

This. That is ... if you are not exaggerating your level of anxiety re: inviting people to your birthday party and/or calling a friend when sad. You really don''t have to live like this. Just a few hours of talking to a professional could help immensely. Been there. Done that. Nothing''s perfect but GODDAMN does it help.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/3/2010 12:01:13 PM
Author: fiery
I have no friends

. At least none that would care enough to listen to my entire conversation before interrupting with their own story. I am very blessed to have a FI that can read my face and know when my attitude has changed so he''ll ask what''s up. He''s also the only person that actively listens to what I''m saying.

Ditto!

 

[princesss]

I call people. Sometimes multiple people. Friendships are about good times and bad times, and I''ve been there for their hard times, so I''m comfortable asking them to be there for me.

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 6/3/2010 1:51:01 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 6/3/2010 12:01:13 PM

Author: fiery

I have no friends

. At least none that would care enough to listen to my entire conversation before interrupting with their own story. I am very blessed to have a FI that can read my face and know when my attitude has changed so he''ll ask what''s up. He''s also the only person that actively listens to what I''m saying.

Ditto!

Aww girls, I''m a good listener if you ever ever ever need it

 

[february2003bride]

It depends on what it is but I usually reach out to my two best friends and my husband.

 

[lyra]

Honestly, I talk to my husband first whether he''s part of the problem or not. I also talk a lot with my oldest daughter. My third line of support is my best friend who lives very far away. I''ll phone her and it''s very therapeutic because no matter what, when we talk on the phone we end up laughing up a storm about *something*. In general I''m just very open about my feelings and always have been. I think it helps to get things out there, as opposed to bottling things up.

 

[kenny]

Date: 6/3/2010 10:44:45 AM
Author:Cehrabehra
When you''re feeling down or blue or discombobulated, how do reach out to your friends?

I don''t.
Maybe I should but I just don''t.
If I''m not feeling right I am more likely to isolate.

 

[Sabine]

I reach out to my dh, but I have a hard time doing it to anyone else. Usually when I''m feeling down, it''s either caused by or causes me to perceive that I''m being ignored by my friends. I don''t know if it''s the cause or the symptom (but I really do think it happens more during hormonal times of the month, and if asked at a not ''down'' time I''ll say that it''s a symptom, and I''m more oversensitive to friends being busy with their own lives.

Also, I think my ''down'' periods have a lot to do with being bored, so instead of reaching out emotionally to friends, I will reach out just to do stuff, and that tends to help if they are available, but if they turn me down it just makes it worse.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/3/2010 12:49:44 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/3/2010 12:45:07 PM

Author: RaiKai

Have you thought about seeing a counselor though, in a general sense? They won''t let you wallow in self pity long either, but they might help you get to the root of some of these fears or insecurities that you have expressed a few times as of having and really transform those feelings. I don''t know, but both DH and I have both done individual counseling through our lives and really found it to be such a benefit in our lives, in how aware we are of our own feelings, take responsibility for them, how we communicate those feelings and so on to others, and so on. And it has had a tremendously positive impact on our sense of selves as well as our relationships with other people. There does not have to be anything specifically ''wrong'' to see one, they may be able to help you with some of these general anxieties you feel (i.e. about approaching others).

This. That is ... if you are not exaggerating your level of anxiety re: inviting people to your birthday party and/or calling a friend when sad. You really don''t have to live like this. Just a few hours of talking to a professional could help immensely. Been there. Done that. Nothing''s perfect but GODDAMN does it help.

I''m a bit out of touch with myself so it''s hard for me to tell where my anxiety level is - I WAS doing really well up until last week. better than ever - but all of this birthday stuff has triggered something and I feel very insecure now. I don''t know of any mental health resources here in China but I am 99% sure that just a good friend allowing me to make a day "about ME" and letting me rant and rave and be ridiculous is all I really need. I just did NOT get that from my husband and I don''t have any close friends here I feel comfortable requesting that of...

I have had therapy in the past - before I moved to Ireland and then when I was back in the states for 6 months I went back to him and got a lot of closure and haven''t felt like I need it at all. I arranged with my therapist that IF I needed some tweaking I could pay out of pocket for a phone session but I don''t know if I''m really there so much as just feeling lonely at a time I always thought I would be surrounded.

Expectations may be the root cause, but it doesn''t mean that we can always be mature enough to avoid the dissapointment of having them...

On that note I''m going to go make myself a belated birthday cake and take it to a woman''s meeting this morning and hope they volunteer to sing happy birthday because I think I should get a wish

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/3/2010 10:44:45 AM
Author:Cehrabehra
When you''re feeling down or blue or discombobulated, how do reach out to your friends? Do you call them? Drop hints? Beg for attention? How do you go about this? Do you feel awkward about it? Uncomfortable with whining or complaining about whatever it is that has you down?


Just curious how others deal with this because I''m lousy at it.

I just call, and spill the beans. My friends can usually tell before I''ve even started. I don''t feel awkward at all, because I do it all the time, and field the same calls from them too. I don''t feel uncomfortable whining; they''re ridiculously patient and understanding even when I''m completely ridiculous and acting like a baby. My friends are completely fabbo.

Are you talking about your friends back home, or friends in China?

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/3/2010 9:39:06 PM
Author: IndyLady

Date: 6/3/2010 10:44:45 AM

Author:Cehrabehra

When you''re feeling down or blue or discombobulated, how do reach out to your friends? Do you call them? Drop hints? Beg for attention? How do you go about this? Do you feel awkward about it? Uncomfortable with whining or complaining about whatever it is that has you down?



Just curious how others deal with this because I''m lousy at it.

I just call, and spill the beans. My friends can usually tell before I''ve even started. I don''t feel awkward at all, because I do it all the time, and field the same calls from them too. I don''t feel uncomfortable whining; they''re ridiculously patient and understanding even when I''m completely ridiculous and acting like a baby. My friends are completely fabbo.


Are you talking about your friends back home, or friends in China?

those do sound like great friends I have 3 women here in China I really like and have great hope for, but it just hasn''t quite reached that point yet and I don''t want to rush it and seem like a perpetually whiney person, because I''m really not. I might be more on the boards lol I talked to two of them this morning and I it was nice Cake is in the oven... hope it turns out! I never know here lol The oven is about 1/3 the size of an american oven and thankfully a friend (one of the 3) brought me an oven thermometer back from the states so I can a) calibrate and b) convert temperatures... but I''m learning to bake with a convection oven and while ROASTING is easier, baking isn''t always easier... cookies yes, cakes are a bit more tempermental as the top cookes faster in a convection... blah blah boring stuff lo

 

[Cehrabehra]

Okay - I have been making way more typos this week, and not catching a lot of them... maybe I need to sleep for 24 hours or something.

 

[Hera]

Date: 6/3/2010 8:50:29 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 6/3/2010 12:49:44 PM

Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/3/2010 12:45:07 PM


Author: RaiKai


Have you thought about seeing a counselor though, in a general sense? They won't let you wallow in self pity long either, but they might help you get to the root of some of these fears or insecurities that you have expressed a few times as of having and really transform those feelings. I don't know, but both DH and I have both done individual counseling through our lives and really found it to be such a benefit in our lives, in how aware we are of our own feelings, take responsibility for them, how we communicate those feelings and so on to others, and so on. And it has had a tremendously positive impact on our sense of selves as well as our relationships with other people. There does not have to be anything specifically 'wrong' to see one, they may be able to help you with some of these general anxieties you feel (i.e. about approaching others).

This. That is ... if you are not exaggerating your level of anxiety re: inviting people to your birthday party and/or calling a friend when sad. You really don't have to live like this. Just a few hours of talking to a professional could help immensely. Been there. Done that. Nothing's perfect but GODDAMN does it help.

I'm a bit out of touch with myself so it's hard for me to tell where my anxiety level is - I WAS doing really well up until last week. better than ever - but all of this birthday stuff has triggered something and I feel very insecure now. I don't know of any mental health resources here in China but I am 99% sure that just a good friend allowing me to make a day 'about ME' and letting me rant and rave and be ridiculous is all I really need. I just did NOT get that from my husband and I don't have any close friends here I feel comfortable requesting that of...


I have had therapy in the past - before I moved to Ireland and then when I was back in the states for 6 months I went back to him and got a lot of closure and haven't felt like I need it at all. I arranged with my therapist that IF I needed some tweaking I could pay out of pocket for a phone session but I don't know if I'm really there so much as just feeling lonely at a time I always thought I would be surrounded.


Expectations may be the root cause, but it doesn't mean that we can always be mature enough to avoid the dissapointment of having them...


On that note I'm going to go make myself a belated birthday cake and take it to a woman's meeting this morning and hope they volunteer to sing happy birthday because I think I should get a wish

What if they don't sing happy birthday, wouldn't that make you feel worse? I think you should take yourself out and pamper yourself. It's hard to request other people to help make you feel better so maybe you could be your best friend and pamper yourself for a while. I hear gem shopping makes people feel better also!

 

[LGK]

Actually, I am one of those clam-up types- likely to cut myself off from people and brood when I'm upset. My sister (who has been and is my absolute best friend through our whole lives) actually took me to task over that very thing this winter. She was absolutely fed up with me pulling away from her and our other good friend when I'm upset- I'm likely to not return calls or otherwise hide if I'm trying to conceal the fact that I'm not happy or something (which is stupid, but definitely the way I can be).

Ever since then I have been a lot better about talking to her about stuff- I make a concious effort call her and we talk on the phone... and she is great at just being there for me. And then we make plans to get together sometime soon after so we can see each other in person and chill. It does really help, and I'm really glad she mentioned it to me... it's one of those things I didn't really think about before, but it was a good epiphany. And it has definitely helped me handle the not-so-great times that come up.

Basically I just call her up and come right out and tell her whatever's eating at me. I had one of the very few truly apocalyptic fights with my husband a few months ago (there've been two really horrible fights over the 14 years we've been together). I just called her and told her exactly what I was upset about, and snivelled and bitched and otherwise vented. There's no real polite way to ease into those types of conversations I don't think!

 

[Indylady]

Cehra, I think the easiest way to build that bridge is by taking a chance opening up. Most likely, these women are just a little timid about making a new friend. My experience has always been to open up and reach out, and most of the time people are receptive to it.

 

[Porridge]

I call friends, but I'm open about that kind of thing and I'm lucky to have a great group of friends. I certainly don't waste time dropping hints, they've got their own lives, they don't need to be wasting time trying to figure out what I might or might not want. No I don't feel awkward because I'm always there for them when they need to talk. We're all human, we all have problems from time to time. But I don't expect them to drop everything and devote all their time and energy listening to me whine and moan, I call for opinions and to talk it out so I can get over it.

I lived abroad too and I know the first while can be lonely while you establish friendships. It sounds like you're right on track though - three women who may turn into good friends is a lot! Also it sounds like you've been moving around a bit, and that can definitely be a lonely situation. Friendships can be tough to maintain from a distance - it requires the conscious effort of a phone conversation rather than naturally occurring get togethers and chats.

I would maybe put the feelers out with these women. I know you don't want to seem like a whiner, but everyone has problems. Annoyed at your husband? Everyone can relate to that! While you'll have to be careful not to turn it into a bitchfest about your poor husband, it could be an opportunity for a bonding session with these girls. Maybe you'll have to be a little forward and assertive here and take the first step towards moving your friendships closer. Could you maybe get them together for a glass of wine somewhere, or invite them over for tea?

Again, it's a situation you'll have to judge for yourself. If you do feel too uncomfortable to start opening up a little to these people, I'd say do nice things for yourself. There's nothing like a nice long walk, or any kind of exercise really, to lift your mood.

You really have to be careful with your expectations. Waiting for people to notice your hints or to guess your wants and needs will only lead to misery. While I don't know these women, I think it's fair to say they're not going to be willing to make a day be all about you. That's probably a good thing anyway - it doesn't sound too healthy! The most therapeutic kind of talk for me is getting my problem off my chest, getting an objective perspective on it, hashing it out a little then putting it to bed and moving on. Part of that will probably involve me being told I'm overreacting to something, or underreacting, or gaining perspective by listening to how someone else dealt with that problem. But it certainly won't be all about me for long! Most problems just don't deserve that much attention and there's no point dragging it out and making a bigger deal out of it than needs to be. We don't let each other wallow for long, nothing good comes from wallowing.

ETA edited about twenty times for typos!!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I had a good day - in fact I feel just about back to normal. I made a cake, brought some candles and a lighter and I got my happy birthday song and a toast and got to blow out candles and most of the other women I really like but are still more acquaintances were there and very sweet and gracious and it kinda made me feel silly... and later I was embarrassed to remind myself that when you feel alone the answer really isn''t to hide... it is to get out there and smile and THAT is how you get the smiles back... seems so simple. I am glad that I can at least put this behind me until NEXT year... but I think I''m going to have to put some more mental energy into WHY I react with such insecurity... I don''t want to revisit this.

 

[asscherisme]

Date: 6/3/2010 10:44:45 AM
Author:Cehrabehra
When you're feeling down or blue or discombobulated, how do reach out to your friends? Do you call them? Drop hints? Beg for attention? How do you go about this? Do you feel awkward about it? Uncomfortable with whining or complaining about whatever it is that has you down?

Just curious how others deal with this because I'm lousy at it.

I don't reach out. Not even to friends. I have no family besdies my children and I certainly would not burden them with my personal problems. I keep it inside and deal with it myself. I have on occasiion gone to talk to a LCSW about huge issues such as dealing with and making the deicsion to divorce or the stress tha having 3 autistic children can be. I have just learned to live with stress and its become my normal. I have huge huge trust issues from being backstabbed and burned by people. So I have learned to never never share anything I don't want broadcast everywhere. (except for when talking to the LCSW) healthy, definately not but thats what I do. I have friends, but I don't want to unload on them. I am a great listener to them, just not a great sharer beyond superficial stuff.

 

[House Cat]

I journal a lot. Putting pen to paper and allowing the thoughts to flow is therapeutic for me. I don''t worry about penmanship or punctuation, the idea is to get it all out onto paper so that I don''t have to *worry* or feel as sad once I''ve gotten the feelings out.

I do call friends, but rarely say what''s wrong. Just hearing their voices can be soothing.


If things get really bad, I isolate. I used to judge that process, but now I know it is a way to recharge my batteries. I''m kind of introverted and being around a lot of people can be exhausting. So, I draw inward in order to feel better at times.