Re: disappointment......

[Mrs Mitchell]

Good luck Isabel - you''re doing all you can. I hope it works out for you both, I really do.

Thinking about you - do let us know how you get on, if you can

Jen

 

[ladypirate]

Just wanted to chime in again and say that I''m sorry you''re going through this. I hope your daughter can get past her issues and spend more time with you. I second whoever said that she may be feeling pulled in too many directions by her inlaws, though--perhaps bring it up?

We definitely spend more time with my parents than bf''s, but that is because we currently live within walking distance of my parents (so we see them a couple times a week) and his family is a 9 hour drive away. We''re moving pretty far away this summer and I imagine that we''ll be seeing each family about equally at that point since it will be a plane ride to either location. Regardless, we are both close with ours and each others families and speak at least weekly by phone.

I think it can be easy for those who live fairly close to their families to judge those who life far away and have a harder time seeing them. When I was in college, I didn''t go home for Thanksgiving because it was a long plane ride and would only have been for a couple of days. It didn''t mean that I didn''t love my parents--just that I couldn''t be there physically for that exact date.

As for anniversaries, my parents don''t celebrate them, so that''s never been an issue.

I''m rambling a bit now, but I hope that this situation gets resolved. It''s obvious you love your daughter so much--I hope that she sees and appreciates that.

 

[isaku5]

You''re right, ladypirate. We love her so much and I guess why I was disappointed in the first place.

You''re propably right about another point as well: His family lives within 20 minutes of each other, and we''re 45 on a good traffic day.

I''m sure she feels pulled between the two families and until recently we have put absolutely no pressure whatsoever on her or her family. My hubby and I agreed that she''d come when she *wanted* to. That''s the tough part as we do feel neglected as we wait for her to "want" to.

We also miss seeing their daughter who''s now 7 and soooo cute! We are thankful, though, that our son and his family live within 15 minutes of us, and drop by regularly. I feel as if I know their 12 year old very well and love her to pieces. I call her " Sunshine" as she has a totally upbeat personality.

When the 8 of us do manage to get together, we have one heck of a good time. Rather than wishing for more times like that, I should relish the ones we have had.

So, Isabel, be thankful for what you have, and hope that everything else will fall into place in time.

 

[Hera]

Date: 4/7/2008 7:27:05 PM
Author: isaku5

Date: 4/7/2008 6:51:45 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 4/7/2008 3:28:07 PM
Author: isaku5
On behalf of all the older parents, I''d just like to say, '' We raised you to be the successful, kind, loving people you are now. Please don''t step on our hearts.''

Oh, this is so sad...I have to agree with you, isaku. I am young and not married yet (I''m engaged), but I have 3 older siblings who are married with kids, and one of them never does anything with the rest of the family. I know it hurts my parents'' feelings, and it hurts me and my other siblings'' feelings as well. Plus my parents are awesome and we all have a great time when we get together (including this sibling when they do come), so there are no weird issues there. I''ve come to the conclusion that this older sibling and their spouse is just plain selfish and self-absorbed...sad but true.

I also don''t understand what oobiecoo was saying about adult children trying to ''assert their independence.'' I mean, you''re an adult, possibly married with children...what is there to assert? I actually think it''s pretty hurtful to purposefully not go home for your parents'' birthdays just for the sake of asserting your independence, especially when it''s clearly important to them. They''re your parents and they raised you...how would you feel if they skipped your birthday because they were asserting their independence from their children and establishing themselves as empty nesters? Obviously if they treat you badly that''s one thing, but otherwise, I just don''t get it. I''m not trying to attack you, but that was my first thought-how hurt they must have been.

Since I had sent the e-mail last night, I expected some sort of response today. Well, I got it at about 5pm on her way home from work. Her comment that I thought about you guys several times during the day yesterday, but was too busy to pick up the phone: they were cleaning out their basement as it was a ''6 garbage bags allowed day'', and doing income tax. Please let''s talk on the phone about these things because e-mails are hard to interpret. Fine with me.

I said that I wanted to get together and have ''a meeting of the minds'' so that we both know what''s going on and there would be no more hurt feelings. I asked her to name a place and time and told her that I''d be there. Her response was that she''d have to get back to me on that. I''m fine with that too.

I also said that for every weddiing anniversary, and significant birthday, from here on we''d like to get together. Long pause at her end. Then, the inevitable question, Why? My answer: after a certain number of years, you really aren''t sure what''s going to happen in a year. Her response: now you''re sounding like my in-laws. My response: yep! Her next question, How do you know that something won''t happen to us? My response: very true; but the odds are against us.

I followed up with: When could we come and see you and your family? Her answer: Wednesdays are good.

Did I make any progress? I don''t think so . As for getting together for a heart-to-heart? I''ll wait a week, and then bring up the subject again. For an intelligent young woman, she sure can be ''thick''. I know that many accountants think only in numbers and leave very little space for sentiment. She used to be sensitive. What happened?? I must have missed something along the way.

In all honesty, by that time, I was sick of all the avoidance of dates and places, and the phone was running out of power, so I said, Well, let''s get together soon. Her reply: Okay, Bye!

To all you English teachers out there, I apologize for the format above, I know better, but haven''t got the energy to do better..today.

I just read this thread and was thinking that I would have the same response as your daughter did. While I can appreciate the importance of an anniversary (my tenth is on Friday) I think that your wording feels a bit controlling. I mean it might work if you want her to visit, but if you want her to WANT to visit (if that makes sense) this is not the way to go about it. The reason you gave her of "you aren''t really sure what''s going to happen in a year" may be true, but a person can die at any moment and seems (to me) to have been delivered as a dose of parental guilt.

Isaku, I think it may be time to make a change in expectations and start celebrating your anniversaries and birthdays by yourselves (releasing your expectations)and maybe work on your relationship with your daughter in the meantime (I think others have offered some good advice on this). I know it''s a bummer, but I can''t help but think that this could get worse. Especially if she comes to your house on all of the holidays and has a growing resentment towards you as a result.

This is just my honest opinion and is coming from someone who threw her own 30th birthday party because no one else would.


Congratulations on your anniversary

 

[isaku5]

Thanks, Hera,

I like you already: A girl who threw her own 30th birthday party because no one else did!!

Did anyone show up? I''ll bet lots of folks came and had a blast!!

I''m beginning to think that I''ve opened Pandora''s Box here

It was supposed to be about a hoped-for phone call....that''s it!! It got wayyy out of hand.

Let''s put this baby to rest. please

 

[Hera]

Everyone showed up

. Of course someone told me "you''re not supposed to throw your own birthday party" but it didn''t bother me.

 

[luckystar112]

The biggest battle in my relationship with FI is splitting the time evenly between parents. Except, well, it's never been even.
Background: FI's family is in Virginia, my family is in Maine, we live in TX.

It has been so unfair that it has literally torn me apart. Basically, FI has only met my parents TWICE in over four years. The first time was a 3 day trip to Maine back in 2004, and the second time was this past Christmas...and only because MY parents drove from Maine to Virginia to see us when we went to visit his family....again.

Meanwhile, over the years I have gone to Virginia twice for family reunions during the summer, we all went to Italy together, we've spent the past two Christmases together, and his parents have come to visit us once.

As for me going to Maine, the last time I was there was October 2006 when my brother got married. I was there for 3 days. Before that, the last time I was there was Christmas of 2005.

It is NOT fair.

Here are the reasons we usually end up in Virginia:
1) FI's grandfather has been ill for years...they think every year is the last year and so they pressure FI to be there, and FI wants to be there "just in case".
2) Last Christmas we went there because we were supposed to get married in Virginia this summer and it would have been the only time that we could make it there before the wedding. Now that we aren't getting married in Virginia I hold a little resentment about that.
3) His family always wants to pay for our flight, which helps a lot since I don't get a paid vacation and a lot of money goes toward boarding our dogs. This is the excuse that bothers me the most...we're in our mid to late twenties!! There is no reason we can't afford this with a little pre-planning. We talk and talk and talk about going to both states, and then when the time finally comes we never do.

FI and I have gotten into a few arguments about this...because he think its more practical to go to Virginia since his parents pay. I finally had to tell him that I was not stepping FOOT in Virginia again until we make a trip to Maine.

This next Christmas that is coming up, we will spend with my family. FI wanted to split the trip and do 3 days in Maine, 3 days in Virgina ("really" this time....right). This turned into an argument because I don't feel like after all of the Virginia trips I've gone on that I should have to shorten my time in Maine in order to go to Virginia...again. Especially since I've spent a total of 3 days with my family in the last two years! He told me I was being "selfish" since I didn't want to split the trip. Seriously? Cause I think it's pretty damn UN-SELFISH to have not demanded he come to Maine with me these past four years! But I'm demanding he come now.

Now that we're getting older he's starting to understand that family is important. His brother and SIL have just had their first child and I know that it is bothering him that we won't be in Virginia this Christmas to meet the baby. On the other hand, since his one and only trip to Maine four years ago, my cousin has had TWO babies--one of which I've never met.

It's like a game of tug of war, and we KNOW that the only way it will be fixed is if we move back to the northeast.
So, that's really what's going to end up happening...thank goodness.

Now that I've aired our dirty laundry.....

But honestly, I'm all for seeing his family, and I know that he is all for seeing my family too...but it needs to be more fair. He knows this, and hopefully it will be more fair in the future!! I started to resent FI a little bit, and I had to point out to him that this was not an arrangement I was comfortable with. I'm not looking for a "new" family...I'm looking for a merging of families.
Once we leave TX it will be so much easier. But until then, no matter what is going on in our families, we are sticking to our rotating schedule.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 4/8/2008 7:55:55 PM
Author: heraanderson
Everyone showed up

. Of course someone told me ''you''re not supposed to throw your own birthday party'' but it didn''t bother me.

You rock, girl!!!

Throw that d*mn rule book as far as you can, and party to your heart''s content!!