Rant at sister''s boyfriend

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

I AM REALLY TICKED OFF

. So I''m planning my life (I know, I know, who does that) and seeing when my boyfriend and I can afford a wedding. So it comes out to April 2010. I know, I know.... so long. In any case in our family my parents have made it 100% clear that the oldest sister (me) gets married first. I''ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years and 15 by the time we get married. But my boyfriend and I won''t have the money to pay for it until then. So my younger sister has ALWAYS maintained that she will be getting married at 29 years old. That has been ironclad. So today I mentioned 2010 for me, which would allow her to get married at 29 (her deadline) HER BOYFRIEND starts b*%$ing that it''s too long, that he has to pay for their wedding to, so why can''t we get the money to do it sooner. He''s mad because at this time he''ll be 34 years old.

Ok let me clarify. He''s 29 years old, lives at his parents house he''s even asked my sister if it would be ok for them to live with his parents AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED!!!!!!! They paid for his education, AND PRESENTLY pay his car, insurance, gas, and food. My sister and her boyfriend are at the resturant 5 times a week. They don''t know the concept of "saving". Oh yeah, and because he''s Vietnamese, the tradition is his mother is going to pay for the engagement ring. And he says "well I already have the money for our wedding". HELLO! You don''t pay for ANYTHING obviously you can pay for the wedding. My boyfriend is 26 pays for everything, put himself through school, paid his car, and bought his own house, and my ring will be paid in CASH. He''s also planning on paying for any debt I incur while I''m in school so that we can start our life reletively free of student debts. I squeeze a dollar so hard that it squeals!!! We NEVER spend money. We go out about once a MONTH. And now, my sister''s boyfriend is getting on my case about the lack of money????? Sorry for the rant but it BURNS me up. He has no freakin" clue about what being an *adult* means. Move out of your parent''s house and then you can give me attitude about how you''re superior to me because you can pay for the wedding. GRRRRR!!!!!!

 

[Buena Girl]

So pretty much the only thing that would change for that guy after he marries your sister is that she would move in with him? Couldn''t she just move in with him now? Maybe he''d chill out a little then. Is it possible that his family/friends are constantly bugging him about when he will propose? Could that be a possibility for why he is being uptight?

This is a really tough situation to form an oppinion about. 2010 sounds like FOREVER and a day to me!

I would go crazy if my sis asked me to wait 5 more years before thinking about marriage. So I can understand that if the guy had plans (i.e. house, kids, etc.) for after the two of them were hitched and he had to delay those plans for 5 years then he could be pretty crabby about it. But if it will just be status quo with no real change after they are married, then he should just chill out a bit!!!

 

[elephant]

Hi Alleycat!

I totally hate people who have no concept of reality!!! That''s so frustrating to me! I''m also paying for my wedding and going nuts trying to scrounge together enough (NO, I''m not even engaged yet, but I, like you, plan EVERYTHING out.) I think it''s really commendable that you and your bf want to start out life together debt free. That''s how my bf and I are. No DEBT!!! Are you sure that since your parents are requiring that you get married first that they can''t chip in a little for the wedding? That might be a good compromise?

I''m sure you''re very frustrated, that was insensitive of your sister''s bf to say.... I hope it all works out! Good luck!

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone!

Thanks for the support!

Buena: My parents and my sister want to wait. My sister isn''t sure that she wants to marry this guy! I told her I don''t care if you get married first, it doesn''t bug me in the least! But she''s traditional etc., wants me to go first. Actually right after he said that stuff to me, she took him downstairs and told him he was pressuring HER! She told him it wouldn''t happen one minute before she turned 29! In 5 years, his comments just really got to me, you know? Like chill out, I don''t want to feel presured to do soemthing before I''m ready. And I agree, 2010 is a long time. I would prefer 2009, but it doesn''t work in my plans.

Elephant: I totally agree that he has no concept of reality, I mean how about he try to pay for something (even just an electricity bill) and then realize how difficult it is! I don''t know, he got to me I started thinking, maybe if I don''t get an engagement ring, maybe I should take out a loan....BUt at the end of the day, I don''t think I should speed up the timeline. 2010, is what I am comfortable with, so why should I take drastic measures? The problem is in Vietnamese tradition, the guy pays for the tradiition, in Quebec culture, the woman''s parents pay. So both my boyfriend''s parents, and mine, will take it as an insult of they are forced to contribute

. Even though we''re going to pay, both sets are already talking about how they want a huge wedding

If my sister wants to get married, all she has to do is stand up to my parents! I have NO problems with it. My parents think that all the Viet wedding will be at the wedding whispering about how "the older daughter is an old maid", "that her white boyfriend sees her as a mistress and not a wife". I told my parents I couldn''t CARE LESS. BRING ON THE RUMORS

. Grrr.... but glad to know someone is in the same boat and trying to find money for a wedding. It just seems like a bad way to start are life together!

Thank ladies!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 6/28/2005 8:45:36 PM
Author:allycat0303
Hey everyone,

I AM REALLY TICKED OFF

. So I''m planning my life (I know, I know, who does that) and seeing when my boyfriend and I can afford a wedding. So it comes out to April 2010. I know, I know.... so long. In any case in our family my parents have made it 100% clear that the oldest sister (me) gets married first. I''ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years and 15 by the time we get married. But my boyfriend and I won''t have the money to pay for it until then. So my younger sister has ALWAYS maintained that she will be getting married at 29 years old. That has been ironclad. So today I mentioned 2010 for me, which would allow her to get married at 29 (her deadline) HER BOYFRIEND starts b*%$ing that it''s too long, that he has to pay for their wedding to, so why can''t we get the money to do it sooner. He''s mad because at this time he''ll be 34 years old.

Ok let me clarify. He''s 29 years old, lives at his parents house he''s even asked my sister if it would be ok for them to live with his parents AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED!!!!!!! They paid for his education, AND PRESENTLY pay his car, insurance, gas, and food. My sister and her boyfriend are at the resturant 5 times a week. They don''t know the concept of ''saving''. Oh yeah, and because he''s Vietnamese, the tradition is his mother is going to pay for the engagement ring. And he says ''well I already have the money for our wedding''. HELLO! You don''t pay for ANYTHING obviously you can pay for the wedding. My boyfriend is 26 pays for everything, put himself through school, paid his car, and bought his own house, and my ring will be paid in CASH. He''s also planning on paying for any debt I incur while I''m in school so that we can start our life reletively free of student debts. I squeeze a dollar so hard that it squeals!!! We NEVER spend money. We go out about once a MONTH. And now, my sister''s boyfriend is getting on my case about the lack of money????? Sorry for the rant but it BURNS me up. He has no freakin'' clue about what being an *adult* means. Move out of your parent''s house and then you can give me attitude about how you''re superior to me because you can pay for the wedding. GRRRRR!!!!!!

Personally I think you are being really mature. I would have told him to go f*st himself. Paying for a wedding is a massive expense and it is to be blunt not a nessacery one. So going into debt is silly, esp when it sounds as if you are both good savers. I think you ought to be congratulated on being frugal. Living beyond ones means is dangerous. What I dont understand is how it is that he thinks he is going to pay for their wedding....

And why doesnt he just take this oppprtunity of extra time and save up for a house. Personally I think if he has so much money then he ought to move out of his parents house. (Unless he is there becuase they are too ill to care for themselves, or need him for another valid reason.) I know how you feel though my SO is paying his own way through school and never lets me pay for anything when we go out. I get really irked when people ask why I dont have a ring after 4.5 years...I dont know perhaps beucase I would rather him put his internship money towards his students loans rather then a ring which I could live without

I am on parent scholarship and I a grateful every day that I am not going into debt for my education, however that sure as hell doesnt make me superior to V or anyone else who is taking out loans. I pay my own bills have set budgets and I DO NOT GO OVER. Debt scares me badly.
The idea that he think he can pay for a wedding when is still living at hoem is laughable... moving out would be a priority in my mind. I cant imagine saying such a thing and giving an attitude to others. How rude. I am sorry you are having to deal with someone who really doesnt understand what it is to have to pay bills every month and budget and save and clip cupons the way the rest of the world does. Please feel free to vent here as often as you like....if that doesnt work we can have a feel LIW drop by and slap him silly.

 

[Buena Girl]

ally- Glad to hear that your sister is handling the situation! She is the only person that guy should be talking to about timelines and hurrying to get married. Your family sounds very close-knit and supportive of each other. That''s awesome!! If her b/f doesn''t chill out and leave you alone, then I hope she gives him another, longer talking to.

 

[allycat0303]

Matatora: I think you understand how he rubs me the wrong way. Honestly I wanted to strangle him. He gave this superior "I''m better then you and your boyfriend because I can afford to pay for the wedding, why can''t you speech?" He totally annoys me with his HUGO BOSS everything (which he can''t afford) and living at home. But this is a long standing issue. He went to Mcgill University (top school in Canada) and I went to the 9 th out of 10 rated school. He once told me, "your undergrad degree isn''t worth the paper it''s written on. If you went to Mcgill you would fail." ARGHHHH! Breath Ally, breath.....

I totally understand your boyfriend''s situation, seems a lot like mine. I think my ring is already a big step and we need time to recover from it. 4.5 years, isn''t that long so people can stuff themselves... although I get the same thing except it''s been 10 years! I wanted to slap him silly, his plan is to live with his parents until he''s 34 and then with my sister in the house for another 2 years until they can afford a house! Conicidentally, this is when my sister (a future doctor) will start earning some real money... I think he''s planning on living off her. I mean seriously...who with a normal job lives with their parents until they are 34????

I think I just hate him. Maybe it''s as simple as that.

 

[elephant]

Allycat ~ so sorry you''re stuck in the middle of traditions. And I KNOW how you feel about people talking about a big wedding. My mom has already given me a lot of "feedback" on the guest list and location. All I can do is roll my eyes....

I think this five years might be a blessing in disguise. I really think that the five years will do your sister''s bf a LOT of good in terms of maturity. Sure, I bought expensive clothes when I couldn''t afford them -- when I was EIGHTEEN. Now, I can''t even remember the last time I bought something designer. Welcome to the real world!! My advice to your sister is: think REALLY hard whether or not she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone who''s priorities may not line up with her own and/or if she''s willing to be the breadwinner.... Those characteristics would be a dealbreaker for me? But, to each his own and maybe she''s fine with it?

And I totally agree with you -- living with/off your parents until you''re 34 is really lame (unless the family needs assistance, of course).

I give your sister kudos for calling him out on his BS!

If I were you I would look at him with the utmost pity because he just doesn''t GET IT. People like that make me want to bang my head on my desk! Great job handling it!

 

[sasa]

oh allycat...I totally understand ur situation. It''s a asian thing, parents provide everything for their kids (especially male child). Education, cars, clothes, house etc... Even after they are married, parents continue to provide. My sister''s boyfriend is like that. The dad is putting $100,000 down for their future home (they are getting marry this Oct, and they are house hunting right now) But thank god my futur brother-in-law is a nice guy.

But I agree with you, until you pay for everything yourself. you don''t know what grown up adult life is...me and my boyfriend are in the same situation as u. we live together, pays for everything and my boyfriend is giving his mom $ every month. My sister always have rich boyfriend takes care of her, so I don''t think she truly understand what "Real Life" is. And it bugs me that she always ask why I''m saving all the time (because I usually turn her down when she ask us to go out and eat) don''t we have $$

Don''t let this guy bother you, I think you and your boyfriend are doing a great job. Just think that after your sister boyfriend''s parents are gone, what is he going to do...

 

[MissAva]

Date: 6/29/2005 11:32:16 AM
Author: allycat0303
Matatora: I think you understand how he rubs me the wrong way. Honestly I wanted to strangle him. He gave this superior ''I''m better then you and your boyfriend because I can afford to pay for the wedding, why can''t you speech?'' He totally annoys me with his HUGO BOSS everything (which he can''t afford) and living at home. But this is a long standing issue. He went to Mcgill University (top school in Canada) and I went to the 9 th out of 10 rated school. He once told me, ''your undergrad degree isn''t worth the paper it''s written on. If you went to Mcgill you would fail.'' ARGHHHH! Breath Ally, breath.....

I totally understand your boyfriend''s situation, seems a lot like mine. I think my ring is already a big step and we need time to recover from it. 4.5 years, isn''t that long so people can stuff themselves... although I get the same thing except it''s been 10 years! I wanted to slap him silly, his plan is to live with his parents until he''s 34 and then with my sister in the house for another 2 years until they can afford a house! Conicidentally, this is when my sister (a future doctor) will start earning some real money... I think he''s planning on living off her. I mean seriously...who with a normal job lives with their parents until they are 34????

I think I just hate him. Maybe it''s as simple as that.

Excuse me....not worth the paper it was written on??????? Are you freaking kidding me

that is about three steps beyond wrong.

Oh that just is so rude, tacky, and classless. I would never ever say that to anyone. I dont care where he went to school he apperently needs to take a few classes conserning manners.

As for the fact that he happens to want to get married at the same time that she will be able to supposrt him is odd to me. Just of out suriosity is he working? If so what does he do? Is he a doctor, did he go to graduate school? I have to wonder where he gets off saying things like that to you...or anyone. RUDE! And yes I think we have very similiar situation in terms of life planning, I love to plan and I figure that for me it will prolly be another year (or three) before we get engaged. And 3-4 years later for the wedding. But hey I am willing to move that all up (some of it depends on where/if I go to grad school)... Congrats again on Med school that is so impressive.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone!

I don''t think anything is better then ranting on pricescope. There is so much support on this board.

Matatora: He has a bacehlor''s degree in Computer science. And honestly, makes about HALF of what my boyfriend does. Fortunatetly for him, his parents own 1/4 of a REALLY successful suishi resturant in Montreal. One of the first one''s that opened here. His parents gave each of the four children $25, 000 for the down payment on the house. I think he feels that because he has so much money accessible to him, then he can lord it over my boyfriend. I think he''s insecure, in my house, there are 3 children and all 3 are in med school. My boyfriend is an engineer, and Viet people are ISANE (rightly or wrongly) about the professional degrees..."marry a doctor, dentist, pharmacist, engineer, AND nothing else." Maybe that''s why he gets off on putting me down. I mean it''s partly our culture''s fault, but at the same time, he''s ALWAYS targeted me. At the time it REALLY bothered me. I mean, who says something like that???? But now, I think he looks like a fool, for all his put downs...evidently, my undergrad and grad degree from a second rate school meant something to 2 medical schools

.

Bobo: Yes the real life. The bills, the headache, the saving when you want to go eat a nice steak! I''m glad I''m not the only one in the world that has to worry about these things. I think it''s a fine balance to raise kids that have a lot and to ensure that they KNOW that not everyone has the same opportunities. Sometimes seeing the way my sister lives, I wonder what her boyfriend would have done if he hadn''t snagged a future-doctor-to-be. He lives a crazy lavish lifestyle! If his parents weren''t there....

Elephant: It''s actually ironic that you wrote that because my sister told me just this morning she wants me to find her an engagement ring setting

. I don''t think I''m going to stop her from marrying him, he realizes he has a good thing going and would do ANYTHING for her. Seriously. She''s at least lucky in that way. I don''t think she sees him for what he is. She stared dating late (first boyfriend at 22) and honestly, is a beautiful girl (not just saying that, or being complimentary) it''s a fact. But she used to be TERRIFIED and convinced she would NEVER find anyone. I think that makes her more resistant to seeing his faults.

Ahhh siblings, you love them, but you can''t meddle in their lives.

 

[snow_happy]

Hey ally,

I just quickly scanned this topic (I love ranting) so sorry if I''m being redundant in these comments. Your sister''s boyfriend sounds like a jerk!

I think perhaps his "I''m better than you" speeches stem from a sort of insecurity. Maybe the next time he criticizes your situation or school you should politely advise him to visit a psychiatrist to deal with his issues of self-worth...or lack thereof.

Don''t feel pressured by him to move up your deadline. Since your sister doesn''t have a problem with it I think it is fine the way it is. Perhaps in the next five years she will get to know more about him and make a good decision about whether or not to marry the guy. If she is dying for some jewelry a nice pendant or eternity ring (like you have) would be nice but would also put off the formal e-ring which could be difficult to break free from if she decides against marrying him.

I figure there are just people in life that piss other people off. Your anger is totally founded but I wouldn''t bottle it up inside. The next time he says something like that to you just half-jokingly mention something about how he lives at home.... that should get him to shut up.

 

[snow_happy]

On the budget issue..

What is going out? I don''t remember. I''m confined to a life of packing sandwiches and cooking at home... I hate it when people think you are blowing them off but you REALLY don''t have the money to go out. Sometimes my funding is late and eating is whatever I can scrounge from the refrigerator....sometimes it takes some creativity but that''s the adventure in it.

I think it''s a personal choice about when to start paying for your living. My parents supported me through undergrad and still offer to pay for things but I don''t feel that their help is necessary anymore since I CAN pay for things (and save a little...slowly)...however I know people that don''t have real jobs because they know their parents will keep paying for everything regardless...and they just keep taking and taking.

 

[perry]

Budgeting is tough. I though I had things under control and then I have to spend $5000 more than I expected fixing the van. Now I could do that - but it whipped out my cash reserve to the point that I am again worrying about money- $4000 of this was meant for the center diamond of the e-ring (I have the sides for a 3 stone ring, and "D" has wants to pay for the setting).

On the cost of marriage: mine will be a small weding (if it occurs???) as neither of us can afford a big one. Immediate family and just the closest freinds in a simple location. Perhaps a picknick for the reception. Although there has been some talk (and even some encouragment from both families) for a simple elopement; with a family get together later.

As far as the cost of living. 2 can live together cheeper than apart due to elimination of the double rent/mortage. However, all of the other expenses still exist, and at least one of us will take a pay cut.

I do caution you, the cost of mariage keeps changing, and what you envision in 2010 may not be affordable at that time either. My thoughts, if you want to get married, do it and figure out how to make it work. I found that weading planning was a lot like diamond shopping. There are a lot of compromises, and in our case neither of us needs a "D-IF" weading.

Hope this helps,

Perry

 

[TheDiamondangel]

In colonial times, and even today in some cultures, men cannot get married until they''ve provided a home and a means of supporting his wife & family. That means some engagments lasted for 3-6 years. While that may seem a really, really long time to many people in today''s "instant gratification age", it is a wise thing that you are waiting until you are both financially able to support yourselves and pay for the wedding.

 

[cutes814]

Allycat,

This is a little late, sorry, but thought I''d put in some advice. I''m Chinese and I know in Asian weddings, at the banquet, majority of the people give red envelopes with money (what we call "Lai Gum") instead of gifts. That money can cover a big portion, if not all of the bill for the banquet. You shouldn''t be having too tough a time to come up with the rest right? I know everytime I go to any weddings, we (my SO and I) give a minimum of $100 for the red envelope, and that''s not even for the close family or friends. For them we give minimum $200.

Maybe you forgot to calculate that into your agenda. BTW, don''t forget the cost of inflation. What is it again? 4 percent? Don''t quite remember. By the time 2010 hits, money is not worth what it is today. Hope some of this helps.

 

[appletini]

Ally: I know you want to be debt free, but believe it or not there are forms of "smart" debt such as student loans and mortgages. Student Loans are an investment in your future, have very low interest rates, and you can take longer to pay them off if you want. Also with a mortgage, your home will appreciate in value. I don''t know how mortgages are structured in Canada, but here as long as you have a minimum of 20% down payment, then you don''t have to pay mortgage insurance (which is just an unnecessary cost). Most people only put down 3%-10%, so really you are already ahead. Not to mention a shorter term (15 years instead of 30) can also mean paying less interest in total. So don''t think that you have to wait forever to get married. You can still pay for the wedidng in cash (get the cash gifts mentioned in the post above) and finance the house and education. Besides if you are so in love with your BF, then I would think you just can''t wait to start the rest of your lives together as a married couple. I think the London bombings this week, as terrible they are, along with the loss of your cat, are good to put things into perspective. We never know what tomorrow will bring, and don''t put off for tomorrow what you can do today.

 

[Mara]

Date: 6/28/2005 8:45:36 PM
Author:allycat0303
Hey everyone,

I AM REALLY TICKED OFF

. So I'm planning my life (I know, I know, who does that) and seeing when my boyfriend and I can afford a wedding. So it comes out to April 2010. I know, I know.... so long. In any case in our family my parents have made it 100% clear that the oldest sister (me) gets married first.

That is so odd that your parents have this rule on who can get married first! I'd be like..SORRY FAMILY I'm doing whatever I want!

That so wouldn't fly with my family!! Is it a cultural thing?

 

[allycat0303]

Perry, TheDiamondAngel, Milly, Appletini, Mara,

Thanks for all the support. Honestly, I think aside from the money issue, I really want to take my time. I know, I know, I''ve been with him for 10 years, what''s the matter with me? I''m a bit committement phobic. I feel like I''ve spent my whole life studying, and worrying, and I am not ready to jump into marriage. My boyfriend is totally ok with waiting a few years, to get our fianances and our life on track, but I''m feeling pressured to hurry up and seal the deal from my future brother in law. But I told him yesturday, PLEASE GET MARRIED FIRST. I think he understood. He''s in the process of buying my sister a e-ring (should be some nice eye candy, even if I''m not crazy about the guy). Hopefully my parents will come around to this idea.

Mara: I think it''s a cultural thing. My mom made this clear a long time ago. But I think her MAIN fear is that if my sister marries first (Vietnamese marrying Vietnamese) all of the Viet people will be looking at the older, unmarried sister dating a WHITE GUY. And the inevitable conclusion will be "Well he doesn''t respect/love her enough to make her his wife". Since Vietnamese girls dating white guys already carry all sorts of stigmas (i.e dating him for her green card, cause she''s too ugly so no Viet guy will marry her, etc.) I think my parents want to avoid the shame on the family, and on me. But I personally couldn''t care less. After 10 years of dealing with these kind of misconceptions, I think I could survive one night while my sister gets married!

I can''t imagine what kind of issues will come up once we actually start to plan the wedding