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Miscka

Brilliant_Rock
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Apr 9, 2007
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Here goes my first topic attempt! Does anyone have a BF or FI whose family has a different perspective on jewelry from their own? My BF comes from a family who couldn''t care less about erings/wbands. His Dad doesnt wear one at all, and I dont think his mom even has an ering. It isnt a money issue, they just dont care. But I do!! How do I let him know it is an important tradition to me without sounding materialistic? It really isnt that I want a huge rock, but I want that ring experience. I know he wouldnt be able to get much and I really dont care, I just want to be his FI and have a visible symbol of it! TIA
 

sarahthewarrior

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
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All I wanted was a 0.5 ct diamond, but I opted for tsavorites as sidestones as well (I love green!). My boyfriend's mother had just a 0.3 ct diamond, and she never even wears her engagement ring or wedding band anymore, so needless to say she thought my request was a little "extravagant" (her exact word choice). I have to admit that a comment like that hurt my feelings, especially after hanging around Pricescope where people are showing off 2 and 3 ct rings--yet my 0.5 ct was "extravagant"! I was just upfront with my boyfriend about what I wanted, and he wanted to make me happy, so in the end it didn't matter what they thought. As long as it isn't a money issue, I don't think it's a big deal, and I certainly hope they don't consider you materialistic for wanting something just about every woman has!

In short, I say don't worry about what THEY think (I didn't), and just make sure your FF knows what YOU want.

FYI: My FMIL absolutely adores my ring now that it's complete.
 

Gwyn

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 5, 2007
Messages
745
I think you can just tell him. Just because his mother or father dont care doesnt mean you wont and I am sure he isnt expecting you to.

I dated a guy who's parents never wore their rings and his mother never wanted gifts and hated things like flowers and such (thought they were a waste) but he still bought all that kind of stuff for me. Your man would be totally unrealistic if he thought you would be exactly the same as him mom/family. Besides rings are not just about the bling it is a symbol of the realtionship. technically I think the story is that it is a ring b/c a ring is a circle and circles are never ending. And the reason for the diamond is that it is the toughest stone that nothing can break. ANd those two things are supposed to be symbols of your promise to one another when you get engaged/married I am sure we can all thank DeBeers for this story). If you are worried about what his family thinkgs you can spin it like that. People, especially americans should be able to get the whole "symbol" thing. Think of a ring as the flag(look at all the heated debates that come up over that), lol. His family should be able to believe that it is about the idea the ring represents, not the bling. Even if it isnt =)

On a side note, how does he feel about jewelry? I know my past boyfriend said he didnt want to wear a wedding ring. He wasn't into jewelry and not acustomed to seeing it men growing up (being that his own didnt wear them).

Is it important to you that he wears a ring as well? You may want to discuss that with him. (by ring i mean wedding ring not an engagement ring obviously)
 

cherry_vanilla

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2006
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My boyfriend''s dad doesn''t wear a wedding ring, though his mom does wear some sort of diamond ring on the left ring finger. To him, he didn''t want one because he never was exposed to it so it''s "weird." Since engagement is over a year away it''s not a major concern, but he has told me all of his married friends wear wedding rings so he''s starting to think he might change his mind since if his friends wear them it''s really not a symbol of "being whipped" or "marriage means you''re someone''s property"
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
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1,899
Just tell him exactly what you wrote here. Even if he doesn''t understand why you like jewelry so much, if he cares about you and knows it''s important for you to have a symbol of your engagement, I bet he will be more than happy to get you a ring. My DH doesn''t understand my love of jewelry either, but that doesn''t stop him from buying things for me, lol! And that''s just because he knows it makes me happy.

*M*
 

Fancy605

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Date: 4/20/2007 5:43:47 PM
Author:Miscka
How do I let him know it is an important tradition to me without sounding materialistic? It really isnt that I want a huge rock, but I want that ring experience. I know he wouldnt be able to get much and I really dont care, I just want to be his FI and have a visible symbol of it! TIA
Wanting an engagement ring does not make one materialistic. It is just part of our culture that most of us want to experience.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
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11,242
If it's something that you want and is important to you (and isn't a financial stretch, obviously) then there is absolutely NO harm in desiring an engagement ring, especially since it is also a pretty established tradition. If you want to let him know that you want one (and more specifically, what kind of ering you want) just point out ones you think are nice. He'll get the point that it's not a tradition that you are okay with skipping


My Fi's parents both wear wide yellow gold bands with the olympic mountains in relief on them. His mother has an engagement ring that has a TINY diamond (about the same size as the biggest of my bead-set sidestones, maybe a 3-5 pointer). I think I heard his dad comment that it cost him $150. My FI (then-bf) learned very early on what my tastes were, and his initial reaction was that anything more than his parents have was a waste of money. It took a little convincing, but what made him wake up was my saying that I will hopefully be looking at the same ring/stone for the REST of my life--it had better be somewhere in line with what I think looks good. He really came around, and in the end it was HIM going for size and quality (I wasn't going to argue).

That said, I would have said "yes" to an onion ring
...as long as it came with an upgrade policy
(just kidding!!)
 

Independent Gal

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Joined
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5,471
Hi Miscka,

In terms of 'how to let him know', I'd use the old 'A friend of mine just got engaged...' strategy to get teh convo rolling. Tell him that made you think about e-rings and what they mean as cultural symbols. Maybe let him know you see the other side of the story: "I totally get why some people thing a diamond is a huge waste of money for some hunk of shiny carbon." But that ultimately cultural symbols can be far more powerful than we realize: "So ultimately, i think it's really, really important to me to have that symbol of our love and our commitment to each other." Then ask him what he thinks about it and go from there.

Cherry-V... Of course I don't know your b/f or the context of your discussion, so don't take offence! But what is UP with your man saying that wearing a wedding ring is a symbol of being 'whipped' or 'owned'?!!? That is really disturbing. A public symbol of commitment doesn't mean someone 'owns' you, but in addition to being a constant reminder to him of your love and commitment to each other, it is a handy means for him signalling to the ladies that he is not available. Is that what he's worried about? If so, I'd run! Does he associate announcing to the world that you guys are committed to each other with being 'whipped'? So, if he can't flirt with other ladies, you OWN him?!!? WHaaa???? Wow. I would be beyond furious if my guy said that to me. It would make me seriously question whether he understood commitment and hence whether I'd want to be married to him. Particularly since he wants you to wear that promise ring (if I got the story right?) partly to show that YOU are not available. But again, I'm probably blowing it out of proportion and don't understand the context. That just kind of got under my skin because it sounds so unfair and dismissive of you.

But at least he's 'coming around' because of his friends. Still. sheesh.

 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
I think you just need to have a conversation with your BF about it, Miscka. Have you talked about engagement and marriage and all that? When my boyfriend and I started having the marriage talks, I just straight up told him I wanted a pretty diamond ring! The longer I waited to get engaged, the bigger my ideal diamond got
, but he knew from the get go what I wanted.

Just tell him exactly what you wrote here: "I don''t want a huge rock, but I want the ring and proposal experience." Maybe you guys can then go look at rings together at a local B&M to get an idea about what style rings you like, what size diamond, etc.

I think that no matter what their families are like, a lot of guys just don''t get it about the whole diamond ring thing, so you just have to tell them outright!

Not trying to beat you up, cherry_vanilla, but I completely agree with Independent Gal. Your BF''s comment about a ring showing he''s "whipped" or "someone''s property" is ridiculous. Does that mean that once he gets you your engagement ring, you have to wear it to show that you''re his property? Yikes.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
My father doesn''t wear a weddingband and FI isn''t planning on wearing one either.

However, my father feels very strongly about engagement rings. My sister''s husband suggested they were a waste of money and unnecessary and my father just looked at him. They went ring shopping the next afternoon.

My FI knew that I was into bling before we got engaged. It did help that I had just helped his brother get one for his gf and FI was I think relieved that I didn''t expect a similar budget!

You are not wrong to want a ring and don''t let anyone convince you otherwise. If a man doesn''t want to make your eyes light up when he asks you to spend your life with him, then you should think very carefully before you marry him.
 

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
5,471
Hey Pandora, I always assumed (no doubt falsely) that when a guy doesn''t want to wear a wedding ring, it''s because either he a) HATES wearing jewelery of any kind or b) he''s considering the possibility of getting up to no good. I''ve sometimes wondered if a) is a cover for b) and Cherry V''s b/f''s comments fed right into b. So, as the future wife of one and the daughter of another non-ring-wearing guy, can you set me straight? What is the rationale? I''m curious, and also about whether it ever bothered your mom or you.

I could understand a), but it would make me so sad if my guy didn''t want to trumpet our commitment to the world.

Maybe it''s just because I don''t know anyone personaly who doesn''t wear a w-ring, so it seems weird to me.

Set me straight!

(Sorry for the threadjack, Miscka!)
 

Miscka

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
1,938
Thanks for all the input! As far as the wedding ring goes, he doesnt want to wear one. He is going to be an MD, so I understand sometimes it is inconvenient but I want him to wear it other times. But he said he may give on that one if it is important to me. He just doesnt like guy jewelry, and like I said, his Dad doesnt wear one.

However, we went out last night and the topic came up! Weird coincidence since I just asked you guys about it. He actually brought up saving up for a ring! I think he has realized that it is important to me, and he is so sweet and does a lot of things he doesnt understand because it makes me happy
That was kind of our first more specific engagement convo, before it has always been comments. He is not one to throw those kinds of comments around AT ALL, so I knew he meant them, but having a convo about it made my day!!


ETA: Musey, you crack me up. And Independant Gal, good question! I guess I dont understand this rationale either, all the men I know and in my family wear them.....hopefully Pandora will shed some light!
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Men wearing wedding rings at all only came into fashion during the second world war - mainly in the USA, when it was a way for soldiers to carry a memory of their wife overseas with them.

I think it's still less common in the UK although more common since the 1980's judging by the men I know. It also seems to be a bit of a class thing - although much less so today. Certainly the Royal family don't, and when I look at most of the house of Lords (I work there a lot), most of those of a certain age don't wear them either.

My parents have been very happily married for 36 years and although my father will comment on pretty girls quite openly, he has no concept of adultery. He is a GP and often comes home and says to my mother that such and such a patient has been to see him and is depressed and thinks her husband is having an affair. He always says, she's such a lovely girl I'm sure he isn't! My mother says the husband probably is but my dad's a bit naive and just can't see it. He has quite a lot of women hit on him - knowing full well he's married with 4 kids - and he is always so shocked and suprised when he works it out.
I suppose this has given me a great rolemodel - also at 35 I have got quite good radar for men who are likely to stray.

I have a fairly large and extensive family and none of my uncles or grandparents ever had men's wedding rings. There are also no divorces or separations or even adultery (as far as anyone knows) amongst any of my ancestors or relations.

My father does wear a signet ring with his coat of arms that he uses for signing documents, but otherwise no other jewellery at all. I asked my mother if she was bothered and she seemed a bit bemused and just said she doesn't like jewellery on men.

The only jewellery FI wears are cufflinks - he won't even wear a watch. I don't mind at all that FI doesn't want a wedding ring - possibly because I know he is extremely unlikely to stray. He has lots of female friends who he goes out for lunch with - and bores them stupid talking about me all the time apparently.

More often than not I'll point girls out to him and say she's very beautiful or something similar. A bit like looking at paintings I suppose - we both like things that are aesthetically pleasing. I'd be more worried if he pretended not to look! I like admiring attractive men - it doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. I gave up being jealous or worried by other women years ago when I found it only hurt me and if people are going to stray they will whether they have rings or not - it's all down to character and integrity. Marry a man with those qualities and you shouldn't have to worry.

To be totally honest I was quite glad when he said he didn't want a ring - as it's more traditional in my mind and I can spend more $$ on mine
. I was talking to my brother about it the other day as he doesn't want one either (although he would like a signet ring) and he was relieved that FI wasn't getting one as his gf is putting pressure on him over it.

Having said all that, if I came from a family where men wore rings I probably would want FI to wear one - it's what you are used to and comfortable with I suppose.
 

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
5,471
Thanks Pandora! I''m sure you''re right: symbols have different meanings in different contexts. So, in my context it would be weird - remarkable in the literal sense, because a married man not wearing a ring is uncommon in my family and social milieu and a ring sends a very strong cultural message, so, choosing not to wear one sends a strong message of another sort. In your context, the man''s ring isn''t loaded with the same stregnth of cultural meaning, so it would be not worth remarking.

Got it! Thanks.

...I still think that Cherry V''s guy''s comments about being seen to be ''whipped'' were weird though.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
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9,613
I agree that kind of comment is odd.

I did ask FI why he didn''t want to wear a ring just out of curiosity and he never mentioned any thoughts on it being a ball and chain or making him look like my property.

If he had that would have raised a red flag in my mind as I would view it as him seeing marriage as a trap or a cage and that is not healthy.

I think that can often be a way that younger men have of thinking. FI and I are in our mid-30''s and a lot of our friends are getting engaged right now and I am seeing a very different way of thinking and talking from the guys than the way I remember from friends who got engaged when we were all in our early 20''s. (We were actually talking about this this pm at a friends engagement party as none of the people we know who got married before they were 26 are still together)
 

cherry_vanilla

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2006
Messages
76
Ahaha, I ought to reply since I think everyone's worried my boyfriend's primary reasoning is so he can fool around behind my back or something. As I mentioned, his father doesn't wear a wedding ring (or any male in his family for that matter) so from the get-go it's a foreign tradition and the first of his friends to get married and "had" to wear a wedding ring, well that guy really IS completely whipped so that didn't help.

I actually think it's more insecurity than any desire to cheat or anything, he doesn't see the need to wear a ring because he doesn't think any other girl would be interested in him anyway (I feel the same way about wearing a promise ring for that matter
) so he doesn't see why he needs to be publicly off the market if no one's "shopping" for him in the first place. He also mentioned he didn't have the urge to be so public what is a private commitment. If I didn't want an engagement ring, he wouldn't have a problem not doing any sort of ring exchange because that's just not what his family does.

Again, he did say that once he saw how common it really is (ie noticing that almost all the married guys at work wear them, as do all his friends that got hitched after Whippy McGee did, which in typical guy fashion he never paid any attention to left ring fingers before we started talking engagement) and how in our area it's really his family that's outside the norm in that sense, he thinks once we actually get to that point he won't have an issue with it, especially since it is important to me. Of course, this still doesn't explain why they never wore rings so I'm not much help to the OP.

Shows me not to make posts during my lack-of-sleep post exam crash, I miss details
 

CrookedRock

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
1,738
I feel your frustraion! I went through the same thing! I''m not engaged YET, but the ring has been designed... My bf''s family is the same. $ surely isn''t the issue, it''s just that they don''t really care about jewlery. She hardly wears a .5 carat ring that she picked out. My bf''s sister is sporting somewhere around a 2 carat ring that is gorgeous, but I have heard his Mom say that anything over 1 carat is tacky and unnecessary.
I thought before we went ring shopping that he would want something small because of his family''s views, but just like Musey''s guy, mine was the one pushing for the bigger stone!
I love the idea of using the "a friend of mine..." story. I kinda used that one too, but I have always been very willing to tell him what I want and my likes and dislikes! Give it a try, he might surprise you!
 

dsy

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
16
A few comments to add some perspective---my dad never wears his wedding band because he was so unused to wearing any jewelry that he lost it soon after they got married and they had to buy another one, which was promptly locked away somewhere (they were super poor grad students at the time and even though it was a very modest ring this was a big loss for them). Another friend of mine kept taking off his wedding band and playing with it, spinning it on tables etc, and it drove his wife so crazy that she insisted either he keep it on or stop wearing it altogether.

2nd, a couple of my guy friends have "engagement watches" from their FI, but mine doesn''t want one because he''d rather put that money towards the honeymoon. I do feel guilty that my bf has just spent so much money on a ring and i''m not giving him anything in return. But the other rationale is that i''d like for other girls to know that he''ll be off the market too once we''re engaged! I jokingly told him i''ve commissioned an engagement collar to wear around the neck, but i don''t think he was very amused.


3rd, i also know of numerous just-married guys shocked to discover that wearing a wedding band has actually enticed more girls to hit on them!
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
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6,350
Regarding men''s wedding bands, my husband never wore jewelry of any kind and when we first got married said he felt uncomfortable wearing a ring, so wore it around his neck with a leather thong around his neck. After about a month he said he was going to experiment with trying to wear, and found out that he got used to it very quickly and now wears it 24/7. So guys may feel like it is weird or uncomfortable, but you get used to it.

And yeah, the myth about men getting flirted with wearing a wedding band is true. If I didn''t trust my husband so much it would really tick me off.
 

surfgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 5, 2007
Messages
4,438
This thread caught my attention because after many years of being together we''re finally getting married and now my FI is like a horse running back to the barn. It cant happen soon enough. And although he''s worn rings in the past, here and there, I thought he probably wouldn''t want to wear a wedding band. Turns out, he was harder to shop for than I was! And now that we have his band, he wants to wear it all the time, 24/7. I thought for sure he''d take it off to sleep but nope, he says he wants to wear it all the time. He keeps trying to look at it and wear it but I keep telling him its bad luck before we''re married
It''s become rather amusing at this point.

Anyway,I know my Dad had a wedding band that he wore but I dont remember him wearing it all the time...And he''s remarried now and he wears his ring all the time so...My FI was also eying other guys he saw, checking out their rings, etc. I''d see a photo in a magazine and say "hey honey! Laird Hamilton wears a big ol wedding band" and he''d check it out. Men are funny. They process things differently and when we think they''re not thinking about something, they actually are.

Anyway, on topic, I wouldn''t worry about what his family will think. Who knows, maybe you''ll start a new family appreciation for jewelry, and maybe not. All I know is that it''s not uncommon for families to either get the jewelry "gene" or not get it. My immediate family has it, my aunt''s family wears the crappiest of crap but hey, they think its nice so who am I to complain? I get the nice family pieces, they keep the crapola. It works out fine! Dont worry about your FMIL...Just make sure your FI knows you dont expect anything more than he can afford and you''ll be fine
 
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