quick invitation etiquette question

[beltane]

Hi all... I''m starting to address the envelopes for our invitations... and I''m wondering what the ''cut-off'' age is for a young person to be included in the parents'' invitation, and when they are of an age where they should receive their own invitation? My DF has a 16 year-old nephew and I don''t know whether he should simply be included on his parent''s invite. Plus, I want him to feel free to bring a friend as he will be the only young person that age and I''m sure he''d have a better time with a friend there. Do you think I should send him his own invitation?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I used, if they still lived at home and/or we''re over 18 a s my cut-off.

You could invite him on his parents invite and just put: Mr and Mrs.x and on an indented line under their names put son x and guest.

 

[Nov2109]

I believe etiquette says 18 and older get their own. We followed that guideline, however children under 12 are not invited...and we only had one kid in between those ages! We just dont have the budget to allow every person''s child at the wedding, it would have added 20 or so people to the headcount.

We did send one 13 year old her own invite, two siblings were getting their own so we figured what the heck, it would probably make her feel grown up, so why not.

It all depends on your family really, my family is very relaxed and my aunt asked to just have one invite sent as her children are all away at college, her exact words were please dont waste the stamp, on the other hand, FI''s family is so traditional and old fashioned we find ourselves following etiquette more often than I would like to not "offend" them.

 

[megumic]

I think he may appreciate his own invitation, but I don''t think it''s necessary. I agree that you can put parents names on the first line and son +1 on the second. But I also like the recognition of the son getting his own invitation.

 

[meresal]

If they have moved out and are living financially on their own.

(This did not include a 2 or 4yr college for me. If they were just away at school, they were still put on the family invite.)
However, for anyone that was in Grad school or higher, they received their own invite.

ETA: I would just call his parents and let them know that he is more than welcome to invite a friend. I'm sure his mom will just open his invitation anyway.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/8/2010 9:37:52 AM
Author: meresal
If they have moved out and are living financially on their own.

(This did not include a 2 or 4yr college for me. If they were just away at school, they were still put on the family invite.)
However, for anyone that was in Grad school or higher, they received their own invite.

ETA: I would just call his parents and let them know that he is more than welcome to invite a friend. I''m sure his mom will just open his invitation anyway.

Ditto - Otherwards, i just put "the XXXXXX Family", with the # of people invited. For those who moved back home i did send a seperate invite, only becuase i found out a week before sent out the invites.

 

[Haven]

According to etiquette, this is what's proper:

- The names of invited children age 12 and under appear on the envelope beneath their parents' names. (Avoid using "and family.)
You can address girls as "Miss Firstname Lastname" or "The Misses Lastname".
You can address a boy as "Master Firstname Lastname" until age eight, then he is simply "Firstname Lastname" until age 18, at which point he acquires the title of "Mr." from there on out. Multiple young boys at one address under the age of 8 would be addressed as "The Masters Lastname".

- Children age 13 and older should receive their own separate invitation.

I know this isn't what a lot of people suggested, but you asked about etiquette, so here it is, as "polite society" does it.

 

[monkeyprincess]

I personally think it is silly to send a 16 year-old boy his own invitation. Maybe if it were a girl, she would appreciate it, but I think very few boys that age would care. Until I was on my own at college, I never got my own wedding invitation, and I never thought anything of being included on my parents invitation even when I was in college. I agree that you can call and let him know he is welcome to bring a friend.

ETA: I just looked up a couple etiquette sites, which both suggested 18 years as the cut-off. There certainly is not just one authority on wedding ettiquette.

 

[laughwithme]

My brother has five children, one of whom is 16, and I also want him to be able to invite his girl friend. So, I know this may not be etiquette, but on the outside envelope I will probably do "The Smith Family" and on the inner envelope, something like:

John & Susie
Bob & guest [Bob being the 16 y/o]
Mary, Jane, Amy & Tony

 

[Haven]

Date: 3/8/2010 11:58:57 AM
Author: monkeyprincess
I personally think it is silly to send a 16 year-old boy his own invitation. Maybe if it were a girl, she would appreciate it, but I think very few boys that age would care. Until I was on my own at college, I never got my own wedding invitation, and I never thought anything of being included on my parents invitation even when I was in college. I agree that you can call and let him know he is welcome to bring a friend.

ETA: I just looked up a couple etiquette sites, which both suggested 18 years as the cut-off. There certainly is not just one authority on wedding ettiquette.

Of course not. Etiquette varies just as much as social circles do. That is why any thread on here about "etiquette" brings about a variety of responses. The key is to figure out what the standard is in *your own* social circle, and to adhere to that (if you are even concerned at all about minding your manners.) It is all about the company you keep, and when you are concerned about things like etiquette, what you are really concerned about it making sure that you do not unintentionally offend your loved ones by breaching a social convention to which they adhere.

Traditional etiquette mavens include Miss Manners, AKA Judith Martin, Amy Vanderbilt, and Letitia Baldridge. People like Emily Post, who currently publishes on behalf of the Peggy Post Institute, appeal to the masses and offer a watered-down version of traditional etiquette.

There are a lot of websites out there that purport to provide information about what is proper etiquette, and I imagine you could find one to support *any* view you have on the matter.

I'm sure there are social circles that *expect* cash bars, or dollar dances, or website RSVP options, just as there are those that would find these things surprising. Etiquette isn't really about being "proper" or "right", it's about setting expectations for social situations in order to minimize misunderstandings and keep everyone at ease so you can focus on what is *truly* important, like happily sharing in someone's wedding day.

If you know that your Great Aunt Alice would be offended to find a response card in the wedding invitation you send to her, leave it out. But, if your best friends from college wouldn't know what to do if you *didn't* include one, then put them in *those* invitations, for heaven's sake!

That's all. Sorry about the long response, but what I *really* want to say in threads about etiquette is: It completely depends on your social circle. What will they expect?

So, there it is.

Do what's best for you and your loved ones.

ETA: It is fun for a young boy to see his name addressed as "Master Winfield Halliday" though, isn't it?

 

[monkeyprincess]

My point certainly wasn''t directed at you, Haven. I''m sorry if you took it that way. I certainly don''t profess to be a member of "polite society." I just find it hard to believe there are really people out there who would be offended by a 16 year-old not receiving his own invitation.

On the other hand, Beltane, if you think this boy would appreciate his own invitation and you have invitations to spare, then why not. Coming from someone with three boy cousins in the 12-18 age bracket, I can tell you with absolute certainty, it would just be a waste of paper and money for me to send them their own invitations. They just wouldn''t appreciate that extra touch

 

[Haven]

I didn''t take offense at all.

I''m surprised you find my post to be defensive, as I was just furthering the discussion here, or so I thought. It just seems that whenever someone brings up the "e" word the same thing happens--people are always surprised to see different points of view about what is the right or proper thing to do. I was just adding in some commentary on this phenomenon, that''s all.

I agree that if they don''t expect it, or if they won''t appreciate it, an extra invitation is a waste of paper.

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

Nov2109 - you mention children under age 12 are not invited -- does that mean you didn''t have anyone not a teenager invited?

My fiance and I don''t want any kids under age 15 at our wedding (15 because that''s how old my brother will be when we get married). All other "direct" relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings) will be at least 17 by the time we get married. So, it''s not them, but they may bring kids, significant other''s kids, etc. We can''t really afford to have our cousins and friends bringing their kids, step-kids, and so on and so forth either.

So long story short - how do you word it on the invites that small children (under age 15) are not welcome?

 

[Haven]

Future Mrs. S:

You can address the invitation to only the invited family members. If you're using inner envelopes, that makes it really easy. You write the parents' names on the outside envelope (Mr. and Mrs. Robert Downey) and then all of the invitees' names are on the inner envelope (Robert and Lori Downey on one line, and then Miss Elizabeth Downey on the next line).

If you aren't using inner envelopes, just write "Miss Elizabeth Downey" on the second line of the outer envelope under her parents' names.

I also like the way some people on here use response cards and write in the number of invitees on a line that reads something like:
____ of 3 will attend.

With a cutoff like yours at age 15, there's really no gracious way of making a blanket statement akin to "adults only reception" on the invite. (What would it say? "Must have driving permit to attend the reception!"

) I'd just make it clear on the envelopes and response card, if you're using response cards. If people ask questions about it after they receive the invite, then you can explain the situation to them over the phone.

I love your avatar, by the way.

 

[Future Mrs. Sterling]

Thanks for the reply and sorry to beltane for the brief thread hijack! I thought it was a related topic, so I hope it wasn''t too intrusive.