Quick FMIL Vent

[elrohwen]

I just wanted to get this off my chest because it was bothering me this weekend. This will probably be rambling and not make much sense, but oh well. I love my FMIL, she's great and I know her heart is in the right place. However, she gets to me at times because she can be very anxious and get upset at things very easily, which I just find hard to relate to. This weekend I had FSIL measure herself for her bridesmaid dress and I asked FI to speak with his mother about payment. FSIL is still in college, so we didn't want it to be on her to pay for the dress. The dress is $230 and I realize that's ridiculously expensive, so I offered to pay for half (for both FSIL and my MOH, even though MOH can afford to pay for it herself). Well, FI goes to ask his mom for a check for her half and she gets all flustered and upset because she thought I said we would pay for the whole thing. There's no way I would've said that and I don't even remember her asking me! FI should have discussed this with her months ago, but he didn't. Even still, I don't see why it was enough to make her upset.

At the end of the day, I don't care if we pay for it. I know she's having money troubles with the economy and everything so if she and FI agree, we'll pay for the whole thing. The part I get unhappy about is that she got all upset about this, when FI should've have had a talk with her months ago when we picked the dress about who would pay. I don't feel that it's my place to discuss this stuff with her, but when FI does it seems to go wrong and she gets upset. And I feel like it's me that she's getting upset with, but won't come to me and discuss these things. She just cries to FI and then he comes back and says that she feels bad because of something I may have said or loosely implied. I don't even get why she's upset about this! It's stupid and we'll just pay for it! I guess I don't deal well with super emotional people.

The other thing is that I don't know what to do about our rehearsal dinner. Traditionally it would be her job to pay for it and plan it, but I know that's not viable considering her the money issues. I wanted to do it at our favorite restaurant (which isn't cheap, but less than $1k), but told FI to tell her if she wanted to host she could do it wherever she wanted (the restuarant isn't set in stone). FI talks to her and tells me that she's not going to be paying or planning, so I can just do what I want and book the restaurant. Now I'm getting the impression that she's kind of upset she hasn't had more involvement with the rehearsal dinner. I just have this bad feeling that months after the wedding, it's going to get back to me that she's sooo upset that I didn't let her help with the dinner. She had her chance! She can still contribute money if she wants, but if we're paying for most of it, we're going to pick the place we want to go. She's not even living in the same place as us, so it's not like she has other ideas for what we could do. If she came to me (or FI) and said "I really want to host it for you guys. Can we just have a bbq at your house?" I would be totally fine with that, but it's like pulling teeth to get her to admit what she really wants. If she won't tell us what she wants, I don't have any choice but to plan what I want.

I really don't feel that it's my place to talk with her about any of this stuff either since it all involves money and it's FI's job to discuss it. I just don't want to be the bad guy at the end of this and have her be upset at something I did or didn't do. I wish she would just be forthcoming and tell FI how she feels! I hate this pretending to be ok when you're really upset cr@p. I also don't like how she gets so upset about things that are so not a big deal.

Ok, vent over. That really had no point, but I feel better now!

 

[brooklyngirl]

I''m sorry that FMIL is being a pain. At the same time, I don''t agree that it''s all on FI to discuss wedding related things with her. You are about to be part of the family, so you probably want to become comfortable about dealing with her. Over the course of your marriage you will most likely have to.

Perhaps next time something wedding related comes up, you and FI should talk to her together, just so that you know your point being being delivered correctly (for lack of a better term).

Now, if your FMIL is the type to be a little passive aggressive, and not speak up when she senses something is wrong, I don''t think you can do much to really change her. Don''t worry about this biting you once you''re married, because if you nip this in the bud now, it won''t be such a big deal to have a conversation with her and straighten everything out, if it even comes up.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Sometimes a good vent helps you to feel better! It all made sense to me. I agree with brooklyngirl, maybe have your FI around and talk with her together next time a ''situation'' to her is occuring...lol

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I just want to throw in that while you don''t deal well with super emotional people...at this time in the economy there''s not much of a choice. Stress can cause mood swings in people and I know it has in me personally because of the economy. The other night I got upset because everyone was going out to a movie and we simply couldn''t afford it, it''s very frustrating to only be able to spend money on bills and food and that''s it. Can you blame me or her? Just give her time to cool down and then try talking to her...

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 3/9/2009 2:13:14 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
at this time in the economy there's not much of a choice. Stress can cause mood swings in people and I know it has in me personally because of the economy.

hahaha! Ditto to that girl................

I feel you there..

 

[FrekeChild]

Wow. That sucks. I''m sorry. I don''t like to deal with super emotional people either. And she seems emotional AND passive aggressive. That is a horrible mix. I''m sorry you have to deal with that, I think I''m going to end up getting that with my FSIL.

 

[tlh]

That is soo nice of you to offer to pay for ANY OF IT!

What a sweet gesture. Don''t let this diminish that at all. Stress can make peopel forget a lot of things they once promised to pay for.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 3/9/2009 1:27:27 PM
Author:elrohwen

I really don''t feel that it''s my place to talk with her about any of this stuff either since it all involves money and it''s FI''s job to discuss it. I just don''t want to be the bad guy at the end of this and have her be upset at something I did or didn''t do. I wish she would just be forthcoming and tell FI how she feels! I hate this pretending to be ok when you''re really upset cr@p. I also don''t like how she gets so upset about things that are so not a big deal.


Ok, vent over. That really had no point, but I feel better now!

Yep, there certainly is a part of the population that does this; they become waify when things get bad, try to put the responsibility anywhere else when there''s a difficult situation, and when things turn out differently than they had hoped, they then blame the very people who "rescued" them earlier.

Yeah, it''s be a lot easier if your FMIL would just be forthcoming. It doesn''t sound like her personality, though. A long time ago, I received the advice/tip to let each spouse be "primary" on dealing with their respective families, and it has seemed to be very sage. Hopefully your FMIL has many positive traits as well, but yep, it doesn''t sound like she''s even capable of seeing what is so obvious to you and me, Elrohwen. Weird and kinda frustrating, isn''t it?

 

[elrohwen]

Thank you all for your responses!! I'm glad I have a place like this to vent and get things off my chest.

Brooklyngirl, I guess I should talk to her more about this stuff on my own, but I feel so awkward since I know it all comes down to money for her. Like, if I had gone to her and said "So we'll pay for half. Are you ok paying for the other half?" she would absolutely say yes because she wouldn't want to act like she couldn't because she doesn't have the money. If FI asks, she's at least mostly honest with him, even if it takes him a little while to get it out of her. She doesn't feel comfortable getting upset about it in front of me, but she will in front of him, which is why she admits to being unhappy about something only to him. So I guess that's why I haven't talked to her about these things. I definitely try to include her in the other planning details that don't involve any money from her. And I guess she is a little passive aggressive ... I don't even know how to describe it. I guess passive agressive people (in my mind) typically say something is ok and then talk about how they hate it behind your back. She doesn't back-stab like that, I think she just feels awkward stating her opinion about things, but then later she goes and gets upset about it (maybe because, subconsciously, she wishes she had just stated her opinion when she had the chance??)

Dreamgirl, I'll definitely try to have this conversation with them next time. FI said he'll call her and make sure I'm around. Hopefully that'll clear up some things before they start.

Smurfy, honestly, she's had issues with money for years (single mom since her husband passed away 6 years ago; two kids in college until recently); long before the economy went downhill. And she's always been emotional; I don't think it has to do with the economy. I think it may be related to depression and anxiety issues stemming from other things, which I totally sympathize with (especially since my parents are psychologists and my dad is depressed; I understand the signs). I guess I just don't like the feeling that I had a hand in making her upset when she acts like everything's fine the whole time. If she would just tell me how she feels about things upfront, we could totally work it out without her getting upset. I can sympathize, but it still isn't fun to know that she's off getting upset and supposedly I caused it, despite trying to be as nice and accomodating as humanly possible. But you do make a great point that money can make people very emotional, so it's probably causing her to overreact more than she would normally.

Freke, I know ... I'm not very patient sometimes. In my family (and with my friends) I'm surround by people who just tell you when they don't like something. I don't like to be constantly guessing about what I might be doing to upset her later down the line. I don't like making anybody feel bad, but if I don't know how to change my behavior I get frustrated. I'm sorry your FSIL is similar! It's absolutely frustrating, no matter how great she is and how nice of a FMIL she is.

Tlh, thanks! I was trying to explain to FI that no bride I know has ever paid for the bridesmaid dresses, so I was trying to be generous by offering to pay for half. She could have been really calm and just said "I don't think I have the money for this right now. Can you guys cover it?" but instead she got upset. And I feel like that implies that I was being rude in asking her to pay for anything; which I totally wasn't! Then FSIL starting saying she'd pay for it and I had to shut her up

... lol. She's moving halfway across the country soon with no job in place and just her college savings. No way was I going to make her spend that much! It was so nice of her to offer though. And I'll have to twist MOH's arm to pay for any of it; she doesn't want to let me (she's buying plane tickets from LA to NY, but won't even let me buy half her dress

)

Fleur-de-lis, I'm glad to know I'm not totally crazy. She really does have good qualities too! She has a lot of them, actually, and she's really made me part of their family. I guess this is just one thing she does a lot and I have an especially low tolerance of, so it grates on me. FI is ridiculously patient with this type of stuff and doesn't get annoyed at it like I do, so I'm glad he's there to make her feel better. Well, plus she's his mom, and we're always more patient with our own parents' faults than with someone else's parents' faults!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I hope things get better
*~*~*~*fmil dust*~*~*~*~*

 

[elrohwen]

Haha, thanks Smurfy! It''s great to know that we have all kinds of dust around here; even FMIL dust!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

haha yeah i actually have a bag of dust sitting next to me that is specifically labeled "IL dust only, do not use in large quantities, very powerful, caution!"
so it should do just the trick

 

[elrohwen]

LOL Smurfy

I''ll have to get me a bag of that!