question on catholic church weddings

[janinegirly]

hi, so i''ve been looking into catholic churches to get married in since we are both catholic, but we''re not practicing really. anyway, i called and i''m already scared b/c they were asking which church we attend and truth be told, I don''t even remember the last time I''ve been. Has anyone got any experience with this, do they grill you on whether you go to church etc? Is it unconventional to marry traditionally when you''re not that religious? The priest is supposed to call me back and I feel like I''m back in grade school!

 

[jcrow]

i didn't have any problems. i occasionally go to church, but it isn't always at the church in my area. i also had no way of them having a record of me going to church b/c i never use the envelopes b/c i was never registered. i got married at the cathedral. it wasn't the church i "belonged" to. so, what i had to do was register with the church in my parish. then i had to get a letter from that church allowing me to get married at the cathedral. it wasn't bad at all. they didn't question a thing and handed over the letter of permission without any problems.

 

[poptart]

Both my DH and I were raised Catholic and went to Catholic school, but chose to marry outside of the Church. We aren''t practicing, and felt that they asked a LOT of engaged couples wanting to be married. In our local church engaged couples had to go to counceling, as well as marriage seminars at the local convent!! So I said, NO. I think that if you aren''t practicing and don''t plan on it then I would seriously think twice about being married in the Church... it''s a LOT of work, for sure.

*M*

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 12/6/2006 4:23:47 PM
Author: poptart
Both my DH and I were raised Catholic and went to Catholic school, but chose to marry outside of the Church. We aren''t practicing, and felt that they asked a LOT of engaged couples wanting to be married. In our local church engaged couples had to go to counceling, as well as marriage seminars at the local convent!! So I said, NO. I think that if you aren''t practicing and don''t plan on it then I would seriously think twice about being married in the Church... it''s a LOT of work, for sure.

*M*

DITTO! DH and I call ourselves "recovering Catholics"

DH and I didn''t even really consider getting married in the church, as we''re not practicing, and didn''t want a very traditional ceremony. We did end up going thru the engaged encounter weekend, but that was on our own accord. We felt we could benefit from the pre-marital "counseling" We''re glad we did it!

Please don''t think I''m being anti-church/religious, but I too would certainly think twice about getting married in a church if you don''t really "have" to. I''ve heard from many church brides/grooms that they held the ceremony there to please their family.

But if you''ve always envisioned getting married in a church, then go for it and GOOD LUCK!

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 12/6/2006 4:14:54 PM
Author:janinegirly
hi, so i''ve been looking into catholic churches to get married in since we are both catholic, but we''re not practicing really. anyway, i called and i''m already scared b/c they were asking which church we attend and truth be told, I don''t even remember the last time I''ve been. Has anyone got any experience with this, do they grill you on whether you go to church etc? Is it unconventional to marry traditionally when you''re not that religious? The priest is supposed to call me back and I feel like I''m back in grade school!

I am Catholic, my DH is not (Lutheran) we got married in a Catholic church in Baltimore (my hometown.) I live in NYC now & my parents belong to a parish in the ''burbs outside of Bmore that I went to growing up. We decided we wanted to have our wedding downtown (DH went to Hopkins) and I found a few churches that were willing to allow a couple that weren''t registered parishoners to marry there, fewer still that would do a Saturday evening ceremony. We also had to "bring our own priest" BYOP- this is fairly common. It seemed like a lot of moving pieces in the beginning but it all worked out and we had a wonderful ceremony in a beautiful church on a Saturday at 6 pm.
We met with the priest who married us 2 times before the wedding and the 2nd time was at the rehearsal- I have known him since high school and he was very understanding given the fact that I live in NYC and DH is in grad school outside of DC. We did a one day Pre-Cana program here in NYC- it was actually nice to take a day and talk about our relationship and future without talk of the wedding. It was painless.

You just have to find the right church and priest for you- also you need to think about why you want to be married in a church - this is a personal issue and you need to ask yourself- do you see yourself "returning" to the Church or to organized religion in your future?
Most priest realize that some people drop-out at a certain age but then return after marriage, when kids come, etc.

 

[KimberlyH]

The first time I was engaged we were to be married in the Catholic church. My then fiance was raised Protestant and I had never attended mass at the church we were being married in, but my dad was a parish member. I didn''t marry that guy.

My fiance and I debated being married in the Catholic church but decided against it. There were so many hoops to be jumped through and we just decided it wasn''t worth it. We were married by a man we dubbed the "psuedo-priest" he called himself retired; he says he left the church because he was ashamed of the cover-ups going on, but he also was married shortly thereafter so my guess is that had more to do with it. He marries people for a living now. It worked for us.

I don''t know if I''d say it''s unconventional; I think a lot of people get married in places that would please their parents, which often means a church or synagogue, even if they don''t attend services regularly.

I say you need to do what you are comfortable with. But keep in mind the Catholic church has strict beliefs about pre-marital sex and living together and while some clergy members are forward thinking, many are not, so you may have to lie about your living situation among other things and is it worth all of that to you to be married in a particular church?

 

[labbielove]

I don''t think it''s a big deal. I have friends who ''registered'' at our church just to get their child baptized, and never went again until baby #2 came along.
I am nervous also, since I''m getting married outside of my parish, and I''m scared that my priest, when I tell him will want to know why, grill us about FI not being practicing, scared FI will say something to offend the priest,etc.

But I can say that from all the folks I''ve talked to, while there are hoops to jump through it is normally not a big deal.
Although it can depend on the priest- if the one you talk to is uncooperative, keep looking. My church is Catholic, but in the inner city and generally more ''lenient'' than others- face it- they deal with helping homeless people get off the streets- I think they have bigger concerns than whether I''ve been to church lately. But that''s just my opinion.

 

[monarch64]

I wouldn''t think it''s a huge deal. We had an outdoor ceremony and DH''s Espisopal priest married us, even though I hadn''t been confirmed in that church but he had. They did require us to do 3 premarital counseling sessions and I think the fee was a little higher for non-members...

 

[anchor31]

I don''t know if this varies by regions, but where I am, a LOT of couple get married in a church because "it''s pretty" or because "it''s tradition", but are not really religious. I don''t think there are any problems for anyone. Good luck!

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 12/7/2006 10:52:27 AM
Author: anchor31
I don''t know if this varies by regions, but where I am, a LOT of couple get married in a church because ''it''s pretty'' or because ''it''s tradition'', but are not really religious. I don''t think there are any problems for anyone. Good luck!

to be honest, this is my main reason, and i like the idea of tradition (but not enough to go back to church regularly)-i hope i''m not offending anyone.
Do they actually ask you questions about living situation etc..I''m wondering if that''s something that comes up in precana and if I should conveniently side step it since we live together! thanks all..

 

[jcrow]

Date: 12/7/2006 10:59:09 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 12/7/2006 10:52:27 AM
Author: anchor31
I don''t know if this varies by regions, but where I am, a LOT of couple get married in a church because ''it''s pretty'' or because ''it''s tradition'', but are not really religious. I don''t think there are any problems for anyone. Good luck!

to be honest, this is my main reason, and i like the idea of tradition (but not enough to go back to church regularly)-i hope i''m not offending anyone.
Do they actually ask you questions about living situation etc..I''m wondering if that''s something that comes up in precana and if I should conveniently side step it since we live together! thanks all..

they never asked if we lived together. could be church/priest specific, though.

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 12/7/2006 11:03:45 AM
Author: jcrow

Date: 12/7/2006 10:59:09 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 12/7/2006 10:52:27 AM
Author: anchor31
I don''t know if this varies by regions, but where I am, a LOT of couple get married in a church because ''it''s pretty'' or because ''it''s tradition'', but are not really religious. I don''t think there are any problems for anyone. Good luck!

to be honest, this is my main reason, and i like the idea of tradition (but not enough to go back to church regularly)-i hope i''m not offending anyone.
Do they actually ask you questions about living situation etc..I''m wondering if that''s something that comes up in precana and if I should conveniently side step it since we live together! thanks all..

they never asked if we lived together. could be church/priest specific, though.

It is Church/priest specific. I have heard of people "lying" and one person using their parents'' address, and I have heard of people being honest and the priests having a variety of responses- most often they are just disappointed, but happy the couple is getting married. I can''t think of an instance where someone was told they could not get married.

You are an adult, it''s a choice you made, it''s not like they are going to scold you like a child, but they are going to tell you that what you are doing is not what they recc''d.

 

[labbielove]

Date: 12/7/2006 10:59:09 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 12/7/2006 10:52:27 AM
Author: anchor31
I don''t know if this varies by regions, but where I am, a LOT of couple get married in a church because ''it''s pretty'' or because ''it''s tradition'', but are not really religious. I don''t think there are any problems for anyone. Good luck!

to be honest, this is my main reason, and i like the idea of tradition (but not enough to go back to church regularly)-i hope i''m not offending anyone.
Do they actually ask you questions about living situation etc..I''m wondering if that''s something that comes up in precana and if I should conveniently side step it since we live together! thanks all..

I am also concerned about this, but that may depend on the priest. Most folks have told me that it is never an issue- althoug if it doesn''t come up, don''t offer any info! I''ve also heard for pre-cana that it''s usually led by married couples of the parish, they don''t inquire about your personal situation, it''s just "tools for the newlyweds". I am going to be 39.9 years old in there with couples almost young enough to be my kids. How embarrassing.

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 12/7/2006 11:55:20 AM
Author: labbielove

Date: 12/7/2006 10:59:09 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 12/7/2006 10:52:27 AM
Author: anchor31
I don''t know if this varies by regions, but where I am, a LOT of couple get married in a church because ''it''s pretty'' or because ''it''s tradition'', but are not really religious. I don''t think there are any problems for anyone. Good luck!

to be honest, this is my main reason, and i like the idea of tradition (but not enough to go back to church regularly)-i hope i''m not offending anyone.
Do they actually ask you questions about living situation etc..I''m wondering if that''s something that comes up in precana and if I should conveniently side step it since we live together! thanks all..

I am also concerned about this, but that may depend on the priest. Most folks have told me that it is never an issue- althoug if it doesn''t come up, don''t offer any info! I''ve also heard for pre-cana that it''s usually led by married couples of the parish, they don''t inquire about your personal situation, it''s just ''tools for the newlyweds''. I am going to be 39.9 years old in there with couples almost young enough to be my kids. How embarrassing.

It''s not embarassing- we did a one day workshop and didn''t have to even introduce ourselves to the other couples- there were no group discussions or activites. you are there for one another- not for the other couples around you. We spoke w/ the couple that was sitting behind us. They had been living together for 12 years and had 2 kids- like an 8 year old and an infant. You would be surprised who is getting married in the Church these days.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 12/7/2006 11:55:20 AM
Author: labbielove

Date: 12/7/2006 10:59:09 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 12/7/2006 10:52:27 AM
Author: anchor31
I don''t know if this varies by regions, but where I am, a LOT of couple get married in a church because ''it''s pretty'' or because ''it''s tradition'', but are not really religious. I don''t think there are any problems for anyone. Good luck!

to be honest, this is my main reason, and i like the idea of tradition (but not enough to go back to church regularly)-i hope i''m not offending anyone.
Do they actually ask you questions about living situation etc..I''m wondering if that''s something that comes up in precana and if I should conveniently side step it since we live together! thanks all..

I am also concerned about this, but that may depend on the priest. Most folks have told me that it is never an issue- althoug if it doesn''t come up, don''t offer any info! I''ve also heard for pre-cana that it''s usually led by married couples of the parish, they don''t inquire about your personal situation, it''s just ''tools for the newlyweds''. I am going to be 39.9 years old in there with couples almost young enough to be my kids. How embarrassing.

again, i think it''s church/priest specific. the priest who married us was the one who led the marriage class. it was 4 hours. i''ve heard some last so long, you spend the night.