Question for those with married children . . .

[LAJennifer]

I have a question for those of you who have married sons and/or daughters. Do you view your adult child''s spouse as a new son or daughter, or simply your "daughter''s husband" or your "son''s wife"? Also, concerning holidays and gift giving (when you choose to gift) - do you give equally to the above mentioned, or do you show preference in your gift giving to your own son or daughter? All comments and examples are very welcome. Thanks!

 

[oshinbreez]

Both of my kids are married. I view my SIL and DIL as my own. It doesn''t hurt that I love both of them and both of my kids made excellent choices in a spouse. As far as gift giving, I have a limit I spend on each, and it''s the same for all 4, or both couples.

 

[Lynn B]

Both my kids are married, too... and DH and I feel like now we have 4 kids! Honestly, we love ''em all like our own. Gift-giving is easy, we just buy any of them what we think they will like when we see something... never really thought about preference of some over the others.

I never had a loving relationship with my MIL (she was a nasty, crazy old bird!) so I especially cherish the relationships I have with my childrens'' spouses; and believe me, I work hard to never be like *her*!!!

 

[LAJennifer]

Thanks Oshin and LynnB for the replies. My parents are like you guys - they treat my husband as their own (and treat him equal to me, as we are equal partners in a marriage) and the same goes from my brother and his wife.

My mother in law is different. First of all, I want to clarify that I don''t expect anyone to give me gifts - a phone call or a card is just as thoughtful (and sometimes more so). However, MIL chooses to send cash for gifts. She sends my husband double the amount she sends me (two checks in one Christmas card, and our birthdays are 2 weeks apart). I have to say that it makes me feel "second class" or not like a "true" member of the family and that she''s pointing it out. It has nothing to do with "money", as my husband and I are very well off and can afford to buy whatever we like.

Clearly she has a different view of "marriage" than the way I was raised, and I don''t really know how to deal with these feelings. When I think about it - it makes me not like her. I also don''t want it to affect my feelings about my husband - he knows it bothers me and just says, "baby it doesn''t matter - it all goes to the same place anyway." Which is true, but it still hurts my feelings.

Oh well, just had to vent.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 6/11/2007 10:39:24 PM
Author: LAJennifer

Clearly she has a different view of ''marriage'' than the way I was raised, and I don''t really know how to deal with these feelings. When I think about it - it makes me not like her. I also don''t want it to affect my feelings about my husband - he knows it bothers me and just says, ''baby it doesn''t matter - it all goes to the same place anyway.'' Which is true, but it still hurts my feelings.

Ugh, that kinda sucks.

Not that it helps, but I would feel EXACTLY the same way you do... that it doesn''t have anything to do with the money itself, just the sentiment behind it. It sounds like your husband is being sweet, trying to make it less of a big deal, but I''m sure I would be questioning it too. He probably feels bad about it too, and just doesn''t know how to express it... so thinks it''s easier to just downplay everything. Does your DH have any married siblings? I wonder if maybe your MIL is just completely clueless and it hasn''t occurred to her that maybe she needs to rethink her gift-giving policy....

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 6/11/2007 10:54:23 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 6/11/2007 10:39:24 PM
Author: LAJennifer

Clearly she has a different view of ''marriage'' than the way I was raised, and I don''t really know how to deal with these feelings. When I think about it - it makes me not like her. I also don''t want it to affect my feelings about my husband - he knows it bothers me and just says, ''baby it doesn''t matter - it all goes to the same place anyway.'' Which is true, but it still hurts my feelings.

Ugh, that kinda sucks.

Not that it helps, but I would feel EXACTLY the same way you do... that it doesn''t have anything to do with the money itself, just the sentiment behind it. It sounds like your husband is being sweet, trying to make it less of a big deal, but I''m sure I would be questioning it too. He probably feels bad about it too, and just doesn''t know how to express it... so thinks it''s easier to just downplay everything. Does your DH have any married siblings? I wonder if maybe your MIL is just completely clueless and it hasn''t occurred to her that maybe she needs to rethink her gift-giving policy....

Thanks Ephemery. DH does have a married brother - his wife was married before and has 2 daughters. I''m not sure how she treats them when it comes to gift giving, but I don''t get the sense that MIL really "respects" her. I know she really likes me, but I just don''t think I''ll ever be viewed as "family" and they will make that distinction with money. My DH Mother''s side of the family is really hung up on money (greed) and that is how she shows importance. She has 2 step daughters whom she despises. At least I''m above them in the pecking order.

 

[oshinbreez]

I''m sorry. I can understand your feelings and would be hurt too.

Maybe she''s just never really thought about it. She could have been giving your DH a certain amount for a while and just continues to do so. Then she may think that she''s giving you an amount like she would for a friend.

Just curious, what do you call her?

 

[sumbride]

My parents treat us all the same as far as gifts go, but I don''t know how they really feel. My sisters-in-law are not warm to my mother, and since I have issues with my FMIL too, I guess I kind of understand it... though I think my mom is great. But I guess we''re all supposed to think that about our own moms. I don''t quite understand why my sis-in-laws don''t like my mom, but they don''t, so she sort of gives them distance. My FI adores my mom and she treats him like a son already for the most part so I have no doubt that will continue after the wedding. This past Christmas, Mom wrote checks to all the kids, including the in-laws, for the same amount, but my FI got a Lowe''s gift card (which is what he wanted) for the amount, rather than a check. I spent my check on ME but when it came time for him to use the Lowe''s card, he argued it was for HIM and I said "no, it''s for us!" I did give up eventually, but what we bought really was for us anyway!

My FMIL doesn''t really do anything for birthdays and not much for Christmas. I don''t know if I should expect more from her after the wedding or not. My birthday was this weekend and she sent me a card, but I was kind of annoyed because I remember she DIDN''T send FI a card for his birthday and he''s her SON. So though she meant well, it still bugged me.

 

[Mara]

we don''t have kids but i know that my parents, while considering greg a member of the family, probably still give me preferential treatment because i am their daughter. and same with his mom and their family. i think it has taken his family longer to embrace me as a member of the family, probably because we don''t see them that often, but i think that with time and integration into the family more, people eventually just get used to the ''new'' member. but bottom line for me is that i will always be my parents child whereas greg is a member by marriage...and same for his family. so i would never really expect them to treat me absolutely the same as they treat greg because he is their blood child. so if his mom sent double $$ for him or a bigger, better gift or whatever, i wouldn''t care because i''d probably feel like that is normal. i know for my parents, they tend to give me way more presents at christmas and stuff than greg...but that is just because it''s always been like that, aka my parents will give me like 5-7 things to open and greg gets 2-3. but he doesn''t care either, he doesn''t even like gifts. hahaa. and he knows my parents really like him so he def feels like a member of the family. but anyway as an ''in law'' i tend to think that the child will always get preferential treatment even if parents don''t realize they are doing that, and it''s okay with me as long as i am made to feel like a member and included in other ways.

 

[basil]

I''m not married nor do I have children...but...

I think I would think it was weird if my parents were to treat my fiance the exact same way that they treat me. I mean, I have a much closer relationship with them than he does. My parents love my fiance, but it''s not like he talks to them every day like I do, grew up with them, etc. However, I think I would feel differently if I weren''t so close to my parents, or if we were able to spend more time with them as a couple and they were closer to my fiance.

What I would expect is that my fiance would be treated the same as other "in-laws" (my brother''s girlfriend, my cousin''s husband, etc.), and for the most part that''s true. Though brother''s gf occasionally gets "girly" gifts that the boys don''t get. Once that happened and I was a little angry for him, but fiance apparently didn''t want a painted Altoids box anyway, so didn''t care.

I guess the fact that your in-laws are giving checks make the discrepancy really obvious. I remember once when my grandmother forgot to get me a college graduation present (my grandfather had been quite ill). I didn''t care until two years later she gave my brother a very generous college graduation present. So I know what you mean by it''s not the money, but it still hurts.

 

[Pandora II]

This is a difficult one - I hope when I have children that I will treat everyone equally.

FI's parents are divorced and remarried and last year we spent christmas eve and morning with his Dad and Christmas afternoon and Boxing day with his mum. FI had agreed to buy presents for his side and I had done mine. We are both one of 4 kids so that was easy.

When we got to his Dad's I discovered 2 of his stepmothers kids were there too (who I didn't even know existed). FI loathes his stepmother with a vengeance. Of the 4 kids - FI + 1 brother are engaged and 1 other has a long term girlfriend. His Dad and stepmother had bought presents and stockings for all of us, pretty much equally and the stepkids had bought us all presents - I felt awful when I found out that FI hadn't bought his stepmother anything.

At his mum's it was easier as her husband has 5 kids so there is a spoken arrangement that he does his kids and she does hers (we all get on really well so it's easy). His mum gave her sons normal amounts of presents and the fiancees/gf's each got one nice one - I got a fabulous book on historic jewellery. FI's grandparents gave all of us an equal amount cheque each (which I really didn't expect).

Sorry that's all very complicated - as is the situation...

This year I will take over ALL present buying as I was so embarrassed last year. I did sent Stepmother a large bunch of flowers as a thank you!

I think it is easier buying girl presents on the whole though. Certainly my brother's gf's always do better than any bf's ever did! My mother tends to buy FI a nice book or a bit for his camera, then I get a few things for me and then we get joint presents "for the house".

 

[gailrmv]

When it comes to gifts and things, my parents treat my DH the same as me (sometimes they give us something jointly) and I think my in-laws treat me the same as him. They have always made me feel welcome in their family. When it comes to keeping in touch, planning visits etc, they speak mostly to him and my parents speak mostly to me. So I am definitely not as close with the in-laws as with my own parents but I think that is pretty typical.

One thing that I have trouble with is expectations in terms of seeing eachother. So far we''ve lived quite a ways from both families so we see them a few times a year. My in-laws will be moving closer by (90 min or so) and I''m not sure what their expectations will be. Will they want to see us every weekend? Every month? I think every weekend would be a burden but every month would be good. We both work (a lot) and they are retired, so I was worried for a while that they would want more of our time than we really had to give. I''m still concerned but I feel a little better about it now. So far my in-laws have been very good about not telling us what to do (for the most part) and not imposing too much and I am really grateful for that.

 

[widget]

I saw this thread the other day and have been thinking about this a lot.

I have two grown sons, one married, the other not.

I love my DIL, and have a great relationship with her...but she''s not my daughter. I guess I really do think of her more as my son''s wife. (While I can impulsively grab my son and plant a kiss on his cheek, I''m a bit more reserved with her..)

The gift-giving question is interesting. For Xmas, birthdays, etc I try to give equally to all three of them (sons and DIL)

For some reason, all ''equality'' issues go out the window when it comes to jewelry gifts. I have given my DIL quite a few pieces.... in my mind I''m giving them to both my son and her (and of course, ultimately to my granddaughters.) If my other son ever gets married, I''ll have some catching up to do.

I''ve been trying to imagine how it would have been had one of my kids been a girl. I''d like to think I would gifted my daughter and DIL equally...but I confess probably not. I probably would have favored my daughter.

Hmmmm complicated questions

widget

PS: Years and years ago my brother''s wife used to act jealous/competitive when my Mom did anything special for me. I always thought that was weird....

 

[Pandora II]

Hmm, your post made me think a bit Widget.

I would be very unhappy if my mother or grandmother gifted items that I consider to be "family pieces" to my brother''s gf instead of me or my sisters. If he marries her I''d still be annoyed - whether that is just because I don''t like this particular gf I don''t know. If it was new gifts or money though I probably wouldn''t care...

 

[chrono]

My children are much too young to be married so my opinion might change.

My hubby get treated better than me because he's the SonIL. My MIL treats me better than her daughters because I'm her DIL. I guess our families are a little different. However, when it comes to "family heirlooms", I don't think I'll be able to pass them on to my future DILs, I think they'll end up going to my (not yet existant) granddaughters. There's this mind block for me when it comes to family jewellery. And if I don't have any grandchildren or grandsons only, I'll have to figure something else out.

 

[oshinbreez]

This might sound strange, but I gave my china SIL soon after he married my daughter. DD loves my china. Then when my son got married, I gave a quilt my grandmother made me to my DIL. I discussed it with my daughter before hand and explained to her that since my mother made a quilt for her, I was giving my quilt to my DIL. My daughter understood and was fine with it.

When I gave the quilt to DIL, I told her how much it means to me, and how my grandmother made one for each granddaughter. I was the youngest. When she finished it, she was blind in one eye, almost blind in the other, and had to use a magnifying glass to complete it. She also had arthritis in her hands, so it wasn''t an easy task to sew by hand. She gave it to me for Christmas and died a few months later. My DIL was touched. I did have the stipulation though that if her and my son ever divorced, the quilt stays with my son.

My mother will be making a quilt for my son hopefully. She has 2 other quilts to make before he will get his.

 

[anchor31]

We are not married yet, but my parents treat my FI as they would treat me: with love, care and respect, and they will tell him if he does/says something that offends them. They throw him a birthday dinner as they do me and my siblings, with a cake and gift. He gets a gift for Christmas. My parents are very private with their money decisions, so I couldn''t say if it''s the same amount of money, but I don''t think so. Since our engagement, they have started giving both of us gifts that we will both use, enjoy and benefit from, so I don''t feel it matters terribly what amount of money they spend.

His parents, however, never gave me a birthday gift in the last 4 years, and I got a lottery ticket once for Christmas. Since we''re engaged it''s been even worse: They never wished me a merry Christmas and "forgot" my birthday last May.

I''m afraid they don''t like me much (I''m stealing my FMIL''s son from her and my FFIL''s retirement fund from him), and I have to say it''s pretty mutual.

 

[Skippy123]

My parents adore my hubby and treat him like their own son. I didn''t feel that was w/my hubby''s family. I know they love me but not like their own daughter. I guess it just depends.

 

[hlmr]

My MIL does not treat her son/my dh and myself the same way when it comes to presents, etc., but I am okay with that. After all, he is her son and I am her son''s wife. Sometimes I get nothing but a phone call, which is fine. This year (40th) she sent me some $ and I bought myself a cute leather jacket. I''ve learned the less I expect, the more pleased I am when I receive something. I will never be her daughter. On the flip side, I give her the gifts she loves the best and honestly, I like that I am able to buy the perfect gift for her.

 

[hlmr]

I realize that I haven't answered your initial question but since my son is too young to be married I can only speculate.

I think I would try very hard to make sure my son's wife didn't feel left out in the present department when it comes to birthday's or Christmas, but my first priority would be making her feel a part of our family. And I think, she would be my daughter-in-law, whereas my son, will always be my son.

 

[KimberlyH]

My DH''s parents are both deceased so on that end I have no experience, but I don''t think I would be bothered if they gave him more/spent more on him than they did me. My parents spend more on my sister and I than they do on my husband and BIL. My parents adore him, he knows this and it doesn''t offend my husband at all that they give me more.

My grandparents always give everyone the same ($). Their children and the spouses of their children get $X the grandkids get $X.

Interesting question.