Question for PS Academics.

[MsP]

I''m really torn at the moment about where to go after this year. My SO is the top PhD program in his field with 2-3 years to go... with near unlimited funding. I will be finishing my second masters degree this year. My master''s are in related fields and are generally considered the terminal degrees for both fields as long as you aren''t working in academia or think tank type places. I would like to continue on with a PhD combining the two fields as I would like to work in government research. All of my degrees have been at the same institution... upper middle tier... ranked in top 15 in the field, around 30-40 in national overall... but not the TOP. My advisors are well known in the field but are pushing me to go on to the top programs--either MIT or UC Berkely.

Here''s the issue... I can stay at my home institution(on the east coast) and complete my PhD on my current project with a roughly $45K/yr stipend. It''s not the top school. But the project is very well funded. The good: I know the professors, I can live with my SO, the funding is *amazing*, I know the area, I have to take no more coursework, my dissertation topic is not bounded. The bad: It''s not the best in the field, I''ve already worked with these professors... and I feel like I''m letting down my mentors who are confident I could do great things at better institutions. If I apply to MIT/Berkely/et al and I get in, I do not know the project I''d be working on, I would get no where near the amount of funding(like probably less than HALF!), much higher living expenses(living alone vs with SO), I would have coursework to complete as I could not transfer all of my graduate work, it is a new area(ie added stress), and worst of all... the dreaded long distance relationship.

To me, this seems like an easy decision considering I do not have the desire to go into academia. A upper mid tier level school will be fine in a government setting. And the funding situation just makes it that much more obvious... but I am having HUGE anxiety that I''m making the wrong choice and that I''m selling myself short. Like can''t-sleep-at-night type stress.

I know quite a few LIWs have gone through the issue of moving away for grad work and getting into LDRs. I have always said I''d never get myself into a LDR. I think I''m just too needy. My SO is advocating me going away to the better program... the prospect of leaving him is a big reason I don''t want to go away.

Another issue with the two of us being so career and academically driven is that one of us will always follow the other. ie one of our careers will always come first, with the other following. He is adamant about me staying home with our future children or taking part time work for a few years so it seems like I will probably be the "lesser bread winner" in the family. So what''s the point of me going to the *best*? So I can hang the degree on my wall?

I don''t know what I''m asking really... just thoughts. PSer''s seem to always say academics first, relationships second. But what should I do in my situation? What would you do?

 

[trillionaire]

The advice that I generally give people is that if you are not going into academics, then it doesn''t matter if you go to a top school. If you are working in academics, go to the best school that you can.

Honestly, in your position, the financial incentive to stay where you are, and also the amount of time you will save by not having to re-do coursework would probably make me choose that option. Once you have your PhD, few people will be asking you where you got it, and after a few years of working, your work will matter more than the name on your degree. Having said that, if you do your PhD where you are, you enter the workforce sooner, so you two will be more financially secure as a couple. You also may feel more ready to stay home with the kids if you''ve felt that you''ve had time to work in your field for a bit.


Honestly, you sound very lucky to have such a problem!

Congrats!!!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

My biased opinion is to stay in your hometown.... Moving away and living on your own will be very $$$. In addition, you will be making more money at your home institution, which is a big factor... Grad school is a long process and you need to be happy where ever you are for the next 2-3 years... Most people would die to have the option of staying close to family or partners and also go to gradschool... I actually left my hometown for gradchool 4 years ago... Although I met my husband here in this city I still miss my hometown every single day and would have been soooo happy to get in to a good school at home.... But I didn't have that option

I decided to move away and it really was a struggle.... If I hadn't met my husband here a few years ago I would probably be long gone by now! I am counting down the days until I am done so I can move closer to home again!

 

[Cartwheel]

Awww, MissPru, decisions about academic endeavors are not ever easy. I will echo Trillionaire''s sentiments that you''re lucky to have to make this decision!

From what you''ve written, it seems like going to a "better" school requires a lot of not-so-great compromises on your part which may not pay off in the end since you''re not interested in working in academia.

A few years ago I had to make the decision between UC Berkeley and another lesser known and cheaper local school. I chose Berkeley ONLY because I knew it would be very valuable for the career track I am on. Granted my situation is different than yours since I already lived in the area, but I think the premise is similar. IMO, it''s really only worth moving if it will really help you get to where you want to be in the end.

Not sure if this helps, but I wish you luck in your decision. Sounds like you''ve got a great support network between your SO and your mentors.

 

[Indylady]

Ditto; it seems like you''ve written an entire paragraph on the con''s of moving away. There seem to be quite of few of these cons. But you''ve got a lot of potential, and there''s still a little bit of you that wonders ''what if''...


Well, why not apply? See what happens? You can turn down an offer at any time. You can''t go back in time and put in an app though.

I''m in a similar boat; I''m applying for a couple opportunities that extend beyond my comfort zone. Its definitely taken me a lot of time to write everything out; personal statements, emails to ask for teacher rec''s, proposals, etc. To be honest, my heart wants to be near the people that I love. But, I also know that my opportunities are only going to be around for a short time. Its just not going to be the same, if even possible, in another five or ten years. I''m hoping life will direct me some; I''m applying to a lot of prestigious programs, and I might not get in to some or any at all. But at least I''ll ''know''; if I do get in, and everything else falls into place, then we''ll see.

So basically what I''m saying is, why not throw in a couple apps and see what happens. Don''t cancel the lease with SO, but see how things go.

 

[katamari]

The best graduate education is a FUNDED graduate education. Hands down! I almost fell out of my chair when I read that you are thinking about walking away from a $45K/yr stipend. That is more than double of the highest stipend I have ever heard of, so I would not recommend walking away from that.

To confirm what you have already said, institution ranking is really only crucial if you are looking for an academic position, and even then well connected/respected advisors who know your work is probably better than being a mediocre student at a top program (the whole size-of-the-fish/size-of-the-pond situation). And 15th in your field is pretty solid. If you ever see yourself going into academics, the triple degree will be a problem (BS/MS/PhD), but not for government work. In fact, for government work, it could possibly even work to your advantage because it might cause less worry that would move away or pursue other jobs.

Are you honestly okay with completing all the work involved with a PhD to only have to cut back to part time or stay at home with your family? I think that has to be part of your decision, too. And, if I may be frank, why exactly can''t you both be career and academically driven? (Most all academics are in relationships with other academics or at least professionals). You are framing it as exclusively your BF''s decision, so I am just wondering. Why would he be the leading partner? I am clearly speculating from your post, and I am very sorry if I misinterpret your situation, but there has to be some reason you are stressing the decision so much and thinking you *should* be pursuing these other options so intently.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/17/2009 7:03:50 PM
Author:MissPrudential
I'm really torn at the moment about where to go after this year. My SO is the top PhD program in his field with 2-3 years to go... with near unlimited funding. I will be finishing my second masters degree this year. My master's are in related fields and are generally considered the terminal degrees for both fields as long as you aren't working in academia or think tank type places. I would like to continue on with a PhD combining the two fields as I would like to work in government research. All of my degrees have been at the same institution... upper middle tier... ranked in top 15 in the field, around 30-40 in national overall... but not the TOP. My advisors are well known in the field but are pushing me to go on to the top programs--either MIT or UC Berkely.


Here's the issue... I can stay at my home institution(on the east coast) and complete my PhD on my current project with a roughly $45K/yr stipend. It's not the top school. But the project is very well funded. The good: I know the professors, I can live with my SO, the funding is *amazing*, I know the area, I have to take no more coursework, my dissertation topic is not bounded. The bad: It's not the best in the field, I've already worked with these professors... and I feel like I'm letting down my mentors who are confident I could do great things at better institutions. If I apply to MIT/Berkely/et al and I get in, I do not know the project I'd be working on, I would get no where near the amount of funding(like probably less than HALF!), much higher living expenses(living alone vs with SO), I would have coursework to complete as I could not transfer all of my graduate work, it is a new area(ie added stress), and worst of all... the dreaded long distance relationship.


To me, this seems like an easy decision considering I do not have the desire to go into academia. A upper mid tier level school will be fine in a government setting. And the funding situation just makes it that much more obvious... but I am having HUGE anxiety that I'm making the wrong choice and that I'm selling myself short. Like can't-sleep-at-night type stress.


I know quite a few LIWs have gone through the issue of moving away for grad work and getting into LDRs. I have always said I'd never get myself into a LDR. I think I'm just too needy. My SO is advocating me going away to the better program... the prospect of leaving him is a big reason I don't want to go away.


Another issue with the two of us being so career and academically driven is that one of us will always follow the other. ie one of our careers will always come first, with the other following. He is adamant about me staying home with our future children or taking part time work for a few years so it seems like I will probably be the 'lesser bread winner' in the family. So what's the point of me going to the *best*? So I can hang the degree on my wall?


I don't know what I'm asking really... just thoughts. PSer's seem to always say academics first, relationships second. But what should I do in my situation? What would you do?

Question: you say that is what HE wants you to do, but what do you want for yourself? Do you want to be a stay-at-home mom? Do you want to be in the top program in your field, or do you only feel you SHOULD because you are being encouraged by your professors now to go for it?

I was in almost your exact position, save the location of the boyfriend. I had the option of getting my master's degree for almost free at home, in the place where I'd lived forever. Or, going abroad to a school that would give me a scholarship, and the (then) boyfriend could live with me. OR, to my dream school (Cambridge) to open more doors than the other places. But, of course, Cam cost an arm and a leg, and I probably wouldn't get money from them. Plus it was 200 miles away from J. Everyone thought I was nuts for even considering it when I had free/almost free options available to me, but I wanted to do it if I got accepted. I didn't know how much I really wanted to go to Cam until I got the acceptance letter, even though it meant living long-distance (still, in our case) from J. I had told him that I knew I might end up resenting him if I had the chance to go to one of the best schools in the world and didn't to be with him, because it'd be selling myself short, which is not me at all. And I didn't want to give up on my dreams just to so we could live together, when the plan was that we'd live together when school was done anyway. And that's what happened.

But that's because I knew that I wanted the challenge of going to a top school. If you aren't sure how much you want to go to one of these schools, I think you owe it to yourself to apply and decide when you know for SURE it's an option. Having an acceptance letter in your hands brings it all home, and you have a better feel of what you'd be giving up to make your relationship situation easier.

Just my two cents.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/18/2009 7:46:15 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 8/17/2009 7:03:50 PM
Author:MissPrudential
I''m really torn at the moment about where to go after this year. My SO is the top PhD program in his field with 2-3 years to go... with near unlimited funding. I will be finishing my second masters degree this year. My master''s are in related fields and are generally considered the terminal degrees for both fields as long as you aren''t working in academia or think tank type places. I would like to continue on with a PhD combining the two fields as I would like to work in government research. All of my degrees have been at the same institution... upper middle tier... ranked in top 15 in the field, around 30-40 in national overall... but not the TOP. My advisors are well known in the field but are pushing me to go on to the top programs--either MIT or UC Berkely.


Here''s the issue... I can stay at my home institution(on the east coast) and complete my PhD on my current project with a roughly $45K/yr stipend. It''s not the top school. But the project is very well funded. The good: I know the professors, I can live with my SO, the funding is *amazing*, I know the area, I have to take no more coursework, my dissertation topic is not bounded. The bad: It''s not the best in the field, I''ve already worked with these professors... and I feel like I''m letting down my mentors who are confident I could do great things at better institutions. If I apply to MIT/Berkely/et al and I get in, I do not know the project I''d be working on, I would get no where near the amount of funding(like probably less than HALF!), much higher living expenses(living alone vs with SO), I would have coursework to complete as I could not transfer all of my graduate work, it is a new area(ie added stress), and worst of all... the dreaded long distance relationship.


To me, this seems like an easy decision considering I do not have the desire to go into academia. A upper mid tier level school will be fine in a government setting. And the funding situation just makes it that much more obvious... but I am having HUGE anxiety that I''m making the wrong choice and that I''m selling myself short. Like can''t-sleep-at-night type stress.


I know quite a few LIWs have gone through the issue of moving away for grad work and getting into LDRs. I have always said I''d never get myself into a LDR. I think I''m just too needy. My SO is advocating me going away to the better program... the prospect of leaving him is a big reason I don''t want to go away.


Another issue with the two of us being so career and academically driven is that one of us will always follow the other. ie one of our careers will always come first, with the other following. He is adamant about me staying home with our future children or taking part time work for a few years so it seems like I will probably be the ''lesser bread winner'' in the family. So what''s the point of me going to the *best*? So I can hang the degree on my wall?


I don''t know what I''m asking really... just thoughts. PSer''s seem to always say academics first, relationships second. But what should I do in my situation? What would you do?

Question: you say that is what HE wants you to do, but what do you want for yourself? Do you want to be a stay-at-home mom? Do you want to be in the top program in your field, or do you only feel you SHOULD because you are being encouraged by your professors now to go for it?

I was in almost your exact position, save the location of the boyfriend. I had the option of getting my master''s degree for almost free at home, in the place where I''d lived forever. Or, going abroad to a school that would give me a scholarship, and the (then) boyfriend could live with me. OR, to my dream school (Cambridge) to open more doors than the other places. But, of course, Cam cost an arm and a leg, and I probably wouldn''t get money from them. Plus it was 200 miles away from J. Everyone thought I was nuts for even considering it when I had free/almost free options available to me, but I wanted to do it if I got accepted. I didn''t know how much I really wanted to go to Cam until I got the acceptance letter, even though it meant living long-distance (still, in our case) from J. I had told him that I knew I might end up resenting him if I had the chance to go to one of the best schools in the world and didn''t to be with him, because it''d be selling myself short, which is not me at all. And I didn''t want to give up on my dreams just to so we could live together, when the plan was that we''d live together when school was done anyway. And that''s what happened.

But that''s because I knew that I wanted the challenge of going to a top school. If you aren''t sure how much you want to go to one of these schools, I think you owe it to yourself to apply and decide when you know for SURE it''s an option. Having an acceptance letter in your hands brings it all home, and you have a better feel of what you''d be giving up to make your relationship situation easier.

Just my two cents.

I largely agree with this. My FI and I got into the same grad school (Syracuse) right after college, and we both chose to go to other schools for various reasons. My reason was that my program is top 4 in my field. Now, I''ve struggled personally and with school because I got here and was miserable and isolated (I''d be fine for a 2 yr Masters, but the PhD has sucked the life out of me

), so when I say I would opt for somewhere that I would have support and people that I knew, that is the reason, and doubly so with the funding opportunity and the non-academic future plans. However, I would apply and see how you felt about it. FI has asked me to move a number of times, and I could have transferred to a different program, but I got into this great program, and I really don''t want to walk away from that, even if it''s a PITA for our relationship. At this point, I don''t plan to have an academic career necessarily, but I will alway be able to pride myself in knowing that I finished an excellent program. Somethings you just have to do for you, and they aren''t necessarily rational.

That being said, I''d take the 45K and not look back, but of course, I didn''t have that option!

 

[MsP]

Date: 8/17/2009 10:05:14 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
My biased opinion is to stay in your hometown.... Moving away and living on your own will be very $$$. In addition, you will be making more money at your home institution, which is a big factor... Grad school is a long process and you need to be happy where ever you are for the next 2-3 years... Most people would die to have the option of staying close to family or partners and also go to gradschool.

When I said "home" I meant current... I have lived here for five years but all for schooling. My family lives in another region. My SO is at another institution in the general metro area and is also not from the region.

I do almost consider my current town "home" because I''ve lived here longer than any other location--and my SO is more family than my own at this point.

 

[MsP]

Date: 8/17/2009 11:27:40 PM
Author: szh07

Well, why not apply? See what happens? You can turn down an offer at any time. You can''t go back in time and put in an app though.
...

So basically what I''m saying is, why not throw in a couple apps and see what happens. Don''t cancel the lease with SO, but see how things go.

You see, I can''t easily do this.

I either need to take the PhD position on the research project or let the professors look for someone else during this round of applications(ie this fall). I can''t tell them, "Yes, I am interested in your project but I am going to apply and see if anything better pops up." because they will offer the position to another student and the option of staying at my home institution will no longer be available.

Also, in my field "getting in" is a loose term because a call from my advisor to a professor at another school is really what gets someone in... not a long and arduous application process. It''s very small and personalized.

 

[MsP]

Date: 8/18/2009 12:46:38 AM
Author: katamari
The best graduate education is a FUNDED graduate education. Hands down! I almost fell out of my chair when I read that you are thinking about walking away from a $45K/yr stipend. That is more than double of the highest stipend I have ever heard of, so I would not recommend walking away from that.

To confirm what you have already said, institution ranking is really only crucial if you are looking for an academic position, and even then well connected/respected advisors who know your work is probably better than being a mediocre student at a top program (the whole size-of-the-fish/size-of-the-pond situation). And 15th in your field is pretty solid. If you ever see yourself going into academics, the triple degree will be a problem (BS/MS/PhD), but not for government work. In fact, for government work, it could possibly even work to your advantage because it might cause less worry that would move away or pursue other jobs.

Are you honestly okay with completing all the work involved with a PhD to only have to cut back to part time or stay at home with your family? I think that has to be part of your decision, too. And, if I may be frank, why exactly can''t you both be career and academically driven? (Most all academics are in relationships with other academics or at least professionals). You are framing it as exclusively your BF''s decision, so I am just wondering. Why would he be the leading partner? I am clearly speculating from your post, and I am very sorry if I misinterpret your situation, but there has to be some reason you are stressing the decision so much and thinking you *should* be pursuing these other options so intently.

haha... I too nearly fell out of my chair with the funding prospect!

As for the SO being the breadwinner-- I think I may have misrepresented my thoughts in my original post. We are both very career and academically driven. He supports me just as much as I support him. However, we do want children and we both value being home with children for a little bit while they''re young. I grew up with a live in nanny as my mother worked full time and I would think that as soon as our children are a little older, we would probably consider this route. On the topic of one partner following the other... I believe this is inevitable. It is nearly impossible for both people to pursue their careers to the fullest extent without putting lots and lots of strain on the relationship. Why would I assume he''d lead and I''d follow?... I very much enjoy learning and research and my field but I am not overly competitive. I do what makes me happy. I''m motivated by my project but I don''t make work for myself. He, on the other hand, is super competitive. He''s in a high stress department and puts even more pressure on himself to publish and present at high profile conferences. We''re just different in that respect. I sound like a lazy, pathetic academic, don''t I? haha... I promise I''m not!

 

[MsP]

Date: 8/18/2009 7:46:15 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Question: you say that is what HE wants you to do, but what do you want for yourself? Do you want to be a stay-at-home mom? Do you want to be in the top program in your field, or do you only feel you SHOULD because you are being encouraged by your professors now to go for it?

I think you nailed it. I really feel like I could be completely content and happy at my home institution but I feel like I''m disappointing my mentors if I don''t try for better places. Especially when they have expressed such confidence in my work and my abilities. As I get thinking about that, the idea that I''m cutting myself short begins to manifest in my head.

 

[LilyKat]

MissPrudential, just be aware that however well-meaning and kind your mentors are, they are basically interested in you from an academic standpoint. Of course they would push you to apply for the best if they think you could get it - it's not their job to think about what would result in your having the happiest, most well-rounded life. YOU need to consider your own best interests. It's your life, not theirs, and ultimately, while they might be disappointed for maybe half an hour or so, they'd get over it

In your position, I would stay where you are. The reason is that you know what career you want, and you know you could get it with the local PhD program, so why go through the strain and expense of moving and being in an LDR for - well, for what? You aren't compromising your career goals. You'll end up being x amount poorer and have spent 3 years apart from the person you love just for, as you rightly said, a degree on the wall. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/18/2009 1:47:27 PM
Author: MissPrudential

Date: 8/18/2009 7:46:15 AM

Author: gwendolyn


Question: you say that is what HE wants you to do, but what do you want for yourself? Do you want to be a stay-at-home mom? Do you want to be in the top program in your field, or do you only feel you SHOULD because you are being encouraged by your professors now to go for it?

I think you nailed it. I really feel like I could be completely content and happy at my home institution but I feel like I''m disappointing my mentors if I don''t try for better places. Especially when they have expressed such confidence in my work and my abilities. As I get thinking about that, the idea that I''m cutting myself short begins to manifest in my head.

Although I can understand how it feels to let a mentor down, it doesn''t necessarily have to dictate your entire future, does it? My supervisors told me a few times that I needed to get into the PhD program at Cambridge (after the master''s practically killed me), and that most people go straight from the master''s program to the PhD. Well, I highly respected both of my supervisors, but there was no WAY that I would''ve agreed to go straight into the PhD. And when I told them that it might happen sometime in the future but it wasn''t going to happen immediately after my master''s, they told me that the door was always open and that, with my master''s from them, that basically secured me a PhD placement whenever I may choose to pursue one.

Now, your field may be very different, but is it now or never? Or can you maybe take some time to figure it out? I read in another one of your responses that you can''t apply to the top programs and keep a place open at your current school. If my gut was asking, "Hmm, can I really hack it at M.I.T.?" I would only grow more and more curious about the extent of my own abilities, and would want to push myself to that next level, even if it meant gambling on getting an acceptance letter. BUT, if my gut only felt apprehension and stress from the uncertainty of giving up your place where you are, then maybe you should stay where you are. Only you know what you really want to do.

Something that works for me when I am feeling this way is to write out the positives and negatives for each choice, because subconsciously I will go out of my way so that the choice I really and truly want to do deep down will come out the winner. Silly, really, but it brings out my preference by pitting them against each other. Maybe you could give that a try to help with the soul-searching?

 

[Indylady]

Date: 8/18/2009 1:30:55 PM
Author: MissPrudential

Date: 8/17/2009 11:27:40 PM

Author: szh07


Well, why not apply? See what happens? You can turn down an offer at any time. You can''t go back in time and put in an app though.

...


So basically what I''m saying is, why not throw in a couple apps and see what happens. Don''t cancel the lease with SO, but see how things go.

You see, I can''t easily do this.


I either need to take the PhD position on the research project or let the professors look for someone else during this round of applications(ie this fall). I can''t tell them, ''Yes, I am interested in your project but I am going to apply and see if anything better pops up.'' because they will offer the position to another student and the option of staying at my home institution will no longer be available.


Also, in my field ''getting in'' is a loose term because a call from my advisor to a professor at another school is really what gets someone in... not a long and arduous application process. It''s very small and personalized.

Ahh, I see! I think I know more of what you mean now; if I wanted to go to gradschool for a similar field that I am in now, that is more or less how it would go. And if you try to ''take a chance'', you have to get your advisor involved and things get pretty personal, and you don''t want to turn down an offer after asking other people to donate their time and effort; not to mention, you might lose your spot now.

That is a tough decision, but it sounds to me like you already know what you want.

If you''re still not sure, imagine your best friend telling you this scenario. What would you tell her?

 

[katamari]

Date: 8/18/2009 1:43:56 PM
Author: MissPrudential

Date: 8/18/2009 12:46:38 AM

Author: katamari

The best graduate education is a FUNDED graduate education. Hands down! I almost fell out of my chair when I read that you are thinking about walking away from a $45K/yr stipend. That is more than double of the highest stipend I have ever heard of, so I would not recommend walking away from that.


To confirm what you have already said, institution ranking is really only crucial if you are looking for an academic position, and even then well connected/respected advisors who know your work is probably better than being a mediocre student at a top program (the whole size-of-the-fish/size-of-the-pond situation). And 15th in your field is pretty solid. If you ever see yourself going into academics, the triple degree will be a problem (BS/MS/PhD), but not for government work. In fact, for government work, it could possibly even work to your advantage because it might cause less worry that would move away or pursue other jobs.


Are you honestly okay with completing all the work involved with a PhD to only have to cut back to part time or stay at home with your family? I think that has to be part of your decision, too. And, if I may be frank, why exactly can''t you both be career and academically driven? (Most all academics are in relationships with other academics or at least professionals). You are framing it as exclusively your BF''s decision, so I am just wondering. Why would he be the leading partner? I am clearly speculating from your post, and I am very sorry if I misinterpret your situation, but there has to be some reason you are stressing the decision so much and thinking you *should* be pursuing these other options so intently.

haha... I too nearly fell out of my chair with the funding prospect!


As for the SO being the breadwinner-- I think I may have misrepresented my thoughts in my original post. We are both very career and academically driven. He supports me just as much as I support him. However, we do want children and we both value being home with children for a little bit while they''re young. I grew up with a live in nanny as my mother worked full time and I would think that as soon as our children are a little older, we would probably consider this route. On the topic of one partner following the other... I believe this is inevitable. It is nearly impossible for both people to pursue their careers to the fullest extent without putting lots and lots of strain on the relationship. Why would I assume he''d lead and I''d follow?... I very much enjoy learning and research and my field but I am not overly competitive. I do what makes me happy. I''m motivated by my project but I don''t make work for myself. He, on the other hand, is super competitive. He''s in a high stress department and puts even more pressure on himself to publish and present at high profile conferences. We''re just different in that respect. I sound like a lazy, pathetic academic, don''t I? haha... I promise I''m not!

I was guessing something like this might more be the case. I do think it is a little difficult to plan life (or think about anything in absolutes)--like it is "better" or "worse" to use on parenting strategy, have one partner lead, etc. but I hear what you are saying. My FI and I have had to work very hard on pursuing each of our careers equally and we are essentially letting the job decide (i.e. the person with the best offer will lead), but it is very difficult and rife with uncertainty. I hope your BF appreciates everything you are offering for his career and your relationship. You don''t sound lazy or pathetic at all to me, either. Just grounded! (and that is very rare and refreshing for our type

).