Question for Married PS''ers.

[Lauren8211]

I am wondering what exactly "changes" when you''re married. I''ve heard so many people say that things change so drastically once you''re officially married. To those who have never been married, it simply doesn''t make sense. I mean, I have lived with my BF for over a year, we combine finances, we do everything married people do, but we''re not officially married yet. So how could it be that much different? I realize I''m not married and don''t understand, and I''m looking for some insight.

I guess I''m wondering what I''m in for once we''re married. Why does officially being married affect your relationship so much? Does it feel different? What emotions did you go through? How did you handle it? Does it make things harder?

Hoping someone with experience could tell me a bit about it.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Great thread!

 

[TravelingGal]

Marriage didn''t change our lives.

A kid did.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:11:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Marriage didn''t change our lives.

A kid did.

Now THAT I can understand.

Just not grasping the marriage aspect of change.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:11:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Marriage didn''t change our lives.


A kid did.

Ditto!

 

[cdt1101]

We have only been married a month, but we lived together our entire engagement (1 year...we dated for 5 years)...and I have to say NOTHING feels different. It feels exactly the same

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:14:09 AM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/18/2008 11:11:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Marriage didn''t change our lives.

A kid did.

Now THAT I can understand.

Just not grasping the marriage aspect of change.

Honestly, I don''t think our day to day changed much. We were living together too. We did change our finances to joint accounts though.

What was different was the "FEELING". I definitely felt different as someone else''s wife. I also loved having a husband (I could never get used to calling him my fiance).

 

[NewEnglandLady]

It sounds like when you moved in together you started thinking like a "married" couple--specifically by combining finances, which I do think makes the transition easier.

So on a daily basis I doubt much will change, but the emtional changes? That just depends on you.

I lived with D for seven years before we were married and the transition to being married has been a lot more difficult for me emotionally than I imagined it would. On a daily basis, nothing is really different. For me emotionally, though? It''s tough. I don''t like being called a "wife", I am not used to my name, I find myself taking a step back from cooking and cleaning for fear that it is my expected "role", I fiercely defend the "I will always pay half of everything" mentality (though D decided to quit his job, so I''m actually happy about being the "provider"). I find myself being terrified of buying a house or thinking about kids for fear I will be stuck. I''ve taken on a lot of new hobbies without D (which I''m enjoying).

On the positive side, I do feel a commitment that is deeper, I feel like we can finally plan for our future (house, kids, retirement) without any roadblocks and in some ways I feel it is liberating to know that somebody will support you no matter what.

I feel that many women embrace the things that I struggle with, which is why I think that the transition is different for everybody. But there is always a transition, even when you''ve been living together as a married couple. It might be more subtle, but it''s there.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:18:30 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/18/2008 11:14:09 AM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/18/2008 11:11:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Marriage didn''t change our lives.

A kid did.

Now THAT I can understand.

Just not grasping the marriage aspect of change.

Honestly, I don''t think our day to day changed much. We were living together too. We did change our finances to joint accounts though.

What was different was the ''FEELING''. I definitely felt different as someone else''s wife. I also loved having a husband (I could never get used to calling him my fiance).

So glad I am not the only one...doesn''t roll of the tongue does it?

 

[jcrow]

not much changes. i did, however, feel more secure and stable. more like we are a unit.

 

[decodelighted]

I''ll say this ... it can bring out hidden expectations neither party even knew they had. Ideas about what being a "wife" means ... or having a "wife". Ideas about what being a "husband" means ... or having a "husband". Like it or not many folks grow up with certain ideas about traditional gender roles and even folks who *think* they know how they''ll feel or how they''ll react (or how their partner will feel or react) can get a BIG SURPRISE.

I remember being so puzzled when one of my first friends to marry confessed that she felt so weird after tying the knot. An educated, independent career woman started having real worries about "having a hot dinner on the table" or whether her guy leaving the house with wrinkled pants was suddenly a reflection on HER. This stuff goes DEEP. Beyond layers of rhetoric & debate & our PC selves. It is just freakin ground into us culturally. Takes a while to figure out how to sort the subconscious beliefs from the reality of modern day life ... and it only happens with open (scary) communication & a lot of negotiation & being understanding of each other''s feelings & actively seeking to manage anxiety.

The other big issue is suddenly feeling trapped. Like everything each other does is something you''re going to have to deal with FOREVER. Which blows up what were tiny issues between you into giant, seemingly insurmountable obstacles. When you have the same arguments over & over & feel *trapped* ... sometimes folks withdraw & bury their feelings & build resentment. Again: communication. Working *through* the issues rather than feeding off of topics.

Oh, and this is fun one: Men''s Wedding Rings are catnip to a certain type of aggressive woman. Prepare to watch more women hit on your fella than you''ve ever witnessed before! Imagine what goes on when you''re not around.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:31:04 AM
Author: decodelighted

Oh, and this is fun one: Men''s Wedding Rings are catnip to a certain type of aggressive woman. Prepare to watch more women hit on your fella than you''ve ever witnessed before! Imagine what goes on when you''re not around.

I so foresee this happening. Problem is..FI is oblivious. Don''t get me wrong, that''s good..I just don''t want him to be super nice like he always is when he is talking to someone if he is talking to some flirty chick!

 

[AmberWaves]

Since we lived together for a few years before we got married, the only thing that changed were names and legalities. We still argue over who takes the dog out next, we still go to bed together every night, we still decide we're too lazy to make dinner and just order pizza. Since we're still trying for a baby, we're waiting for that to change things for good, though. I've heard exactly what T-gal said, nowadays marriages don't change the way you live, babies do!

ETA: Totally agree with everything Deco said. Even the wedding band issue. Good thing I mark my territory when he leaves the house.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:31:04 AM
Author: decodelighted
I''ll say this ... it can bring out hidden expectations neither party even knew they had. Ideas about what being a ''wife'' means ... or having a ''wife''. Ideas about what being a ''husband'' means ... or having a ''husband''. Like it or not many folks grow up with certain ideas about traditional gender roles and even folks who *think* they know how they''ll feel or how they''ll react (or how their partner will feel or react) can get a BIG SURPRISE.

I remember being so puzzled when one of my first friends to marry confessed that she felt so weird after tying the knot. An educated, independent career woman started having real worries about ''having a hot dinner on the table'' or whether her guy leaving the house with wrinkled pants was suddenly a reflection on HER. This stuff goes DEEP. Beyond layers of rhetoric & debate & our PC selves. It is just freakin ground into us culturally. Takes a while to figure out how to sort the subconscious beliefs from the reality of modern day life ... and it only happens with open (scary) communication & a lot of negotiation & being understanding of each other''s feelings & actively seeking to manage anxiety.

The other big issue is suddenly feeling trapped. Like everything each other does is something you''re going to have to deal with FOREVER. Which blows up what were tiny issues between you into giant, seemingly insurmountable obstacles. When you have the same arguments over & over & feel *trapped* ... sometimes folks withdraw & bury their feelings & build resentment. Again: communication. Working *through* the issues rather than feeding off of topics.

Oh, and this is fun one: Men''s Wedding Rings are catnip to a certain type of aggressive woman. Prepare to watch more women hit on your fella than you''ve ever witnessed before! Imagine what goes on when you''re not around.

That really helps. While SO and I have talked about everything, I don''t know if we''ve talked about what is "expected" of us as a husband or a wife. Maybe that''s something we should talk about.

SO and I have GREAT communication. We generally do not keep quiet and harbor resentment. We are both very honest and open, and we are really good about going after the issue, rather than the topic. I realize that fighting about file folders at Office Max is not an "issue" in our relationship... and we get down to the real problem.

I was concerned about if once making it official you feel "trapped". It''s funny how that might affect you as a couple, just a legal document stating you''re committed. Strange how that works.

Thats funny about the wedding rings! Never thought of that since I would steer completely clear if I saw one! I love when women flirt with my BF. It''s flattering! But if they start getting touchy feely... I may feel differently...

 

[appletini]

Well we didn''t live together, so we did have to adjust to all the time really being all the time. But I definitely agree with T-gal''s change of feeling. It just really reinforced that we are a team and we are own family. And I loved my DH so much when we got married, but I feel like now we love each other even more (which is kind of hard to believe).

Also too it was so nice to be able to enjoy our relationship and each other more with out that LIW-syndrome and related wedding stress. Every once in awhile DH will say "I love you so much, wouldn''t it be nice if we were married...oh wait we already are!"

 

[Miranda]

Has anyone ever seen the very old donald duck marries daisy cartoon? It is the perfect example of how things change after you''re married.

Here''s how it goes:
Donald and Daisy get married and are blissfullly happy during the honeymoon.
They get home and Daisy changes so many things. Including inviting her parents to live with them.
Donald gets up one morning to find Daisy in the kitchen pouring coffee with rollers in her hair, dark circles, just plain looking horrible. Donald is of course horrified that his lovely bride looks so dreadful and it shows on his face. She says, "What''s a mattah?" in a craggy voice.

I don''t remember much more, but, it is such a funny episode. When I am looking especially horrendous in the morning pouring my coffee my darling DH says to me, "What''s a mattah?" to me. He quickly gets ''the bird''!

For some people a lot changes when you get married. For others, not much. It''s all about adaptation, compromise and putting your foot down when need be.

 

[joflier]

I think the couples that experience the greatest amount of change in their relationship, are the ones that have not lived together prior to marrying, which was the case for myself. And yes it was a change, though not a big one. I would expect that if your living together and also splitting finances, then not much changes aside from yours and your fiance''s emotions in reguards to what the actual word "marriage" means to you both. I think it would make a very good discussion for you guys to have.

 

[littlelysser]

DH and I will be celebrating our first anniversary on September 1.

I have to tell you...being married is pretty much exactly like before we got married - but with more bling and a certificate.

DH and I lived together for three and a half years, in a house that we own. We also have two dogs, which we adopted almost immediately after we bought our house. As you can guess, we''d also co-mingled our finances and everything else. Frankly, I didn''t know if we''d ever get married...neither of us were in a big hurry because we were both happy as things were.

Although I can understand about the expectations about what a husband and a wife should be...DH and I are both pretty liberal and didn''t come into the relationship with preordained ideas of what married life should be.

To be honest, I think that old adage has lost a lot of its truth...when people were getting married at 22 or younger, right out of their parent''s home...well that is a HUGE change.

But DH and I were two mature adults, who had established careers and lives, and going from engaged to married really wasn''t really a transition at all.

I will agree with TG - I really love calling DH my husband. I like that we are more of a family now, rather than a couple.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/18/2008 12:00:20 PM
Author: littlelysser
DH and I will be celebrating our first anniversary on September 1.

I have to tell you...being married is pretty much exactly like before we got married - but with more bling and a certificate.

DH and I lived together for three and a half years, in a house that we own. We also have two dogs, which we adopted almost immediately after we bought our house. As you can guess, we''d also co-mingled our finances and everything else. Frankly, I didn''t know if we''d ever get married...neither of us were in a big hurry because we were both happy as things were.

Although I can understand about the expectations about what a husband and a wife should be...DH and I are both pretty liberal and didn''t come into the relationship with preordained ideas of what married life should be.

To be honest, I think that old adage has lost a lot of its truth...when people were getting married at 22 or younger, right out of their parent''s home...well that is a HUGE change.

But DH and I were two mature adults, who had established careers and lives, and going from engaged to married really wasn''t really a transition at all.

I will agree with TG - I really love calling DH my husband. I like that we are more of a family now, rather than a couple.

Ha! I love it! I wouldnt mind having a "blingier" relationship..

That helps. I was worried there was some huge overwhelming feeling that occurred the minute you tied the knot.

Glad to hear most people around here have had pretty seamless transitions. Whew...!

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:25:52 AM
Author: jcrow
not much changes. i did, however, feel more secure and stable. more like we are a unit.

DITTO for me!!!! People always tell DH and I, that we are joined at the hip. We have been married 27 years, but together 29.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 7/18/2008 12:00:20 PM
Author: littlelysser
DH and I will be celebrating our first anniversary on September 1.

I have to tell you...being married is pretty much exactly like before we got married - but with more bling and a certificate.

DH and I lived together for three and a half years, in a house that we own. We also have two dogs, which we adopted almost immediately after we bought our house. As you can guess, we''d also co-mingled our finances and everything else. Frankly, I didn''t know if we''d ever get married...neither of us were in a big hurry because we were both happy as things were.

Although I can understand about the expectations about what a husband and a wife should be...DH and I are both pretty liberal and didn''t come into the relationship with preordained ideas of what married life should be.

To be honest, I think that old adage has lost a lot of its truth...when people were getting married at 22 or younger, right out of their parent''s home...well that is a HUGE change.

But DH and I were two mature adults, who had established careers and lives, and going from engaged to married really wasn''t really a transition at all.

I will agree with TG - I really love calling DH my husband. I like that we are more of a family now, rather than a couple.

I completely agree. DH and I had each lived on our own post college, we lived together before getting married and combined our finances as soon as we got engaged, so nothing really changed for us. We''re both much calmer now that I''m neither an LIW or a BIW (those were both such stressful times!), but basically our relationship is the same. I do feel like we''re taken more seriously by others now that we''re married. All those annoying little things that bothered me when I was a LIW don''t happen anymore.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Threadjack

Robbie- When is Sabine coming back???

threadjack over

 

[ChargerGrrl]

My transition wasn't as seamless as some of the other gals, as we didn't move in together until 3 months before the wedding.

I had to sell my beloved little Redondo Beach townhouse and move up to the hot, suburban Valley- just in time for Summer! I kinda experienced a sense of loss and will admit that I resented FI at first, which made our first month of living together tough.

Also, like Apple mentioned, we had to get used to being around each other ALL THE TIME!

But by the time we were married, everything just fell into place and I had this overwhelming feeling of FAMILY. That was cool.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 7/18/2008 12:30:11 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Threadjack

Robbie- When is Sabine coming back???

threadjack over

She left on Monday and they were staying for a week, so I guess Monday? I can''t wait for her to start her thread

 

[Anastasia]

Big DITTO to this!

 

[Tuckins1]

From my own experience (as well as my strong background in psychology) I find that things pretty much stay the same as they were before the marriage. If you were happy before, you will probably remain happy after. If you were miserable before, you will probably be miserable after. There are always exceptions, but I find this to hold true for the most part. My hubby and I were on cloud nine from the day we got together and we still are. (I know it''s sickly-sweet, but it''s true

)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/18/2008 12:47:22 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
My transition wasn''t as seamless as some of the other gals, as we didn''t move in together until 3 months before the wedding.

I had to sell my beloved little Redondo Beach townhouse and move up to the hot, suburban Valley- just in time for Summer! I kinda experienced a sense of loss and will admit that I resented FI at first, which made our first month of living together tough.

Also, like Apple mentioned, we had to get used to being around each other ALL THE TIME!

But by the time we were married, everything just fell into place and I had this overwhelming feeling of FAMILY. That was cool.

Girl, you are a better person than I am. Being a South Bay girl all my life, he would have had to drag me kicking, screaming, biting, and CLAWING down that 405.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 7/18/2008 5:02:09 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/18/2008 12:47:22 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
My transition wasn''t as seamless as some of the other gals, as we didn''t move in together until 3 months before the wedding.

I had to sell my beloved little Redondo Beach townhouse and move up to the hot, suburban Valley- just in time for Summer! I kinda experienced a sense of loss and will admit that I resented FI at first, which made our first month of living together tough.

Also, like Apple mentioned, we had to get used to being around each other ALL THE TIME!

But by the time we were married, everything just fell into place and I had this overwhelming feeling of FAMILY. That was cool.

Girl, you are a better person than I am. Being a South Bay girl all my life, he would have had to drag me kicking, screaming, biting, and CLAWING down that 405.

you mean UP the 405

yeah, the things we do for love

Funny thing is that i grew up in the Valley, so i''ve come full circle!

It was a TOUGH adjustment, but there really was no way around it. DH works in Ventura County (ok, just over the border), so that would''ve been a hellish commute. I asked if XZY company could helicopter him in each day so we keep my place and sell his. nope.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/18/2008 5:05:59 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl

Date: 7/18/2008 5:02:09 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/18/2008 12:47:22 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
My transition wasn''t as seamless as some of the other gals, as we didn''t move in together until 3 months before the wedding.

I had to sell my beloved little Redondo Beach townhouse and move up to the hot, suburban Valley- just in time for Summer! I kinda experienced a sense of loss and will admit that I resented FI at first, which made our first month of living together tough.

Also, like Apple mentioned, we had to get used to being around each other ALL THE TIME!

But by the time we were married, everything just fell into place and I had this overwhelming feeling of FAMILY. That was cool.

Girl, you are a better person than I am. Being a South Bay girl all my life, he would have had to drag me kicking, screaming, biting, and CLAWING down that 405.

you mean UP the 405

yeah, the things we do for love

Funny thing is that i grew up in the Valley, so i''ve come full circle!

It was a TOUGH adjustment, but there really was no way around it. DH works in Ventura County (ok, just over the border), so that would''ve been a hellish commute. I asked if XZY company could helicopter him in each day so we keep my place and sell his. nope.

LOL, that''s right....

Hm. I would have said to him...you can go to work and come back to HELL or you can come back to the nice cool South Bay. Hehehe. No offense to Valley dwellers...but I am a total wimp in hot weather since we rarely go above mid 80''s here, if that. And I suppose the LA traffic is the worst hell of all so you didn''t have much choice...

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/18/2008 11:07:55 AM
Author:elledizzy5
I am wondering what exactly 'changes' when you're married. I've heard so many people say that things change so drastically once you're officially married. To those who have never been married, it simply doesn't make sense. I mean, I have lived with my BF for over a year, we combine finances, we do everything married people do, but we're not officially married yet. So how could it be that much different? I realize I'm not married and don't understand, and I'm looking for some insight.

I guess I'm wondering what I'm in for once we're married. Why does officially being married affect your relationship so much? Does it feel different? What emotions did you go through? How did you handle it? Does it make things harder?

Hoping someone with experience could tell me a bit about it.

Okay, I am not reading what the others say until after I post. For us, it meant a different level of commitment (much stronger) and once we were married we knew every decision we make is for "us"; maybe you are already there but for us it felt different. I think the emotions we go through are stronger; I mean if anything happens to my husband I am there for him and he for me. eta: I now read the posts; I agree we feel more like a unit