Home Question about kids and b-day party guests

[MichelleCarmen]

Okay, first few years of school, the boys invited the kids from their classes (either boys or boys and a few girls they play with) so we never had problems with someone being left out/hurt feelings. Slowly things have changed with the other kids where all of them in their classes now invite just closer friends and we're following that trend this year. . .my son wants to invite only two specific kids to celebrate with him, which means leaving out a couple of other children who he is good friends with AND I'm friends with the moms. If it was just his other friends not being invited, I'd just keep the party quiet (like other moms do), but with the moms being friends, they'll probably be hurt over this. What does one do? Do I have my son invite the kids? It would only be 2 or 3 more. Er, I mean more like five more. Well, technically I should invite 5 more, but we'd have to do the 2 or 3 or I'd really be pushing beyond my son's wishes.

Thoughts?

Thanks!

 

[Rachel9]

When it comes to B-Day parties I tend to be strict. My wishes because I'm the one cleaning, cooking and keeping peace lol
If your friends are sensitive they might do the same or worst to your child in the near future you know?

5-7 kids is not as bad as 10-20, I'd invite all of them to be fair & keep friendships going [if you like the moms] also let my child know that he could always have a 'special' day with the two boys ie movie day/cool play day at another time.

 

[MustangGal]

It''s your sons'' b-day, if he only wants 2 friends, then I say let him have the party he wants.

 

[megumic]

It sounds to me like you''re more worried about bad blood with the moms than you are about what your son wants for his birthday. I think you have to weigh what is more important to you: what your son wants for his birthday party, or your concern over these other moms. Do the rule of 10''s -- will this matter in 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months and 10 years. Usually helps me realize when things matter and when they don''t and I''m just over-analyzing.

Also consider, would you be hurt if these other moms had small birthday celebrations for their children and didn''t invite your son?

 

[pennquaker09]

I realize that hope and reality are two different things, but I would like to hope that the other moms and kids wouldn''t feel hurt.

I think maybe you should talk with your son again and make sure that he''s having the party that he wants, and if he still wants his closest friends, then I would go in that direction.

Just wait until high school when there''s 200+ kids at your house!

 

[PumpkinPie]

(without me actually being a parent or having any sort of legitimate knowledge on the subject) I think that your son`s decision is what you should stick with and if there is fallout at school between him and the other kids who weren`t invited, he will get a chance to learn how to deal with other people`s hurt feelings - it`s good practice for interpersonal skills.. it makes sense to me right now, but I could be totally out in left field

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/10/2010 2:52:22 PM
Author: megumic
It sounds to me like you''re more worried about bad blood with the moms than you are about what your son wants for his birthday. I think you have to weigh what is more important to you: what your son wants for his birthday party, or your concern over these other moms. Do the rule of 10''s -- will this matter in 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months and 10 years. Usually helps me realize when things matter and when they don''t and I''m just over-analyzing.

Also consider, would you be hurt if these other moms had small birthday celebrations for their children and didn''t invite your son?

Part of the deal is that my son has always been invited to those kids'' parties. I wouldn''t be upset if the other kids didn''t invite my son because all those parties add up. One year, both my sons went to over 20 parties combined at 15 per present, we spent SO much! lol The other is bad blood between moms. You''re right about that. We live in such a small community and live right be everybody, you know? lol

I was thinking about this all again and decided what would probably be best is have my son say he''s not having a party and then tell the moms of the two boys that we''ve gotta keep the party quiet because only a couple are invited.

Penn - 200+ ain''t gonna happen. lol We did the 16 kid party and that was a complete NIGHTMARE! The kids were so noisy and uncontrollable that we''d never have a home party again. EVER. If my kids want a huge party, they can have a kegger out in the woods.

 

[swingirl]

It's going to put your kid on the spot to say he's not having a party, then have something, then have to keep quiet. That's putting an awful lot on your son.

Kids are fickle and the ones he wants to leave out may become his best friends next week. If the boys are going to continue to have a close friendship (because of the moms getting together and them being good friends) I would consider having a talk with my kid about hurt feelings of the friends he is excluding. Of course, if your son really doesn't like these kids and has good reasons for not inviting them then don't push the issue. I wonder if he is excluding them because of another reason, like do the others all get along?

I think you have to weight your son's wishes with the "right thing to do". I know these days this is an unpopular philosophy.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/11/2010 12:23:12 PM
Author: swingirl
It''s going to put your kid on the spot to say he''s not having a party, then have something, then have to keep quiet. That''s putting an awful lot on your son.

Kids are fickle and the ones he wants to leave out may become his best friends next week. If the boys are going to continue to have a close friendship (because of the moms getting together and them being good friends) I would consider having a talk with my kid about hurt feelings of the friends he is excluding. Of course, if your son really doesn''t like these kids and has good reasons for not inviting them then don''t push the issue. I wonder if he is excluding them because of another reason, like do the others all get along?

I think you have to weight your son''s wishes with the ''right thing to do''. I know these days this is an unpopular philosophy.

I have no idea what his motivations are as he likes the other kids and enjoys having them over for playdates. Possibly the last b-day party with so many kids over has made him think that having more than two will result in a similar type of crazy, noisy party.

 

[charbie]

first- i think it shouldn''t matter to the mothers, it should be left up to your son. period. (granted, i''m not a parent. but this is way better than kids having to feel like they need to invite their entire class.)

second- this is what my mom did, and now looking back, i think it was great.
we could invite one friend for each year old we were turning.
so at my 4th birthday party, i invited 4 girls.
5th birthday party, 5 girls. 6th birthday, 6 girls, and so on. we stopped having the "friend parties" around age 10/11? but then my last real birthday party was in 8th grade, when i turned 13, and she threw a big surprise party for me (a boy-girl party!) and we had a whole bunch of kids from my school there.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/11/2010 5:10:01 PM
Author: charbie
first- i think it shouldn''t matter to the mothers, it should be left up to your son. period. (granted, i''m not a parent. but this is way better than kids having to feel like they need to invite their entire class.)

second- this is what my mom did, and now looking back, i think it was great.
we could invite one friend for each year old we were turning.
so at my 4th birthday party, i invited 4 girls.
5th birthday party, 5 girls. 6th birthday, 6 girls, and so on. we stopped having the ''friend parties'' around age 10/11? but then my last real birthday party was in 8th grade, when i turned 13, and she threw a big surprise party for me (a boy-girl party!) and we had a whole bunch of kids from my school there.

He''s turning 10 and I can see that, as your mom did, that age is a good time to stop the "friend parties," and that''s what I was hoping to do. Instead take him and a few buddies out for an activity. Maybe we can do the activity a few weeks before his birthday so it''s not near his actual b-day and less like a birthday celebration?

 

[LovelyHearts]

Can he celebrate his birthday twice? Maybe a gathering with your son and the 2 kids to hang out. And then a more formal party where you invite all the kids? My kids are young so I haven''t had to deal with this, but if I was put in that situation, first, I''d ask my daughter why she only wants to invite the 2 kids, especially if she is still hanging out and playing with the other kids. Then, I''d take my daughter and the 2 friends she chose to maybe a movie and lunch or to a kid friendly place (whatever she chooses). If we were still going to have a party, I''d just invite al her usual friends. I''d also explain to her that leaving her other friends out would hurt their feelings because sometimes, kids don''t understand the consequences of their actions until it''s too late.

Do you think your son saying he only wants to invite 2 kids is his way of saying he doesn''t want a big party or that he doesn''t want his birthday to be a big deal this year? Can you really have a party with just 2 other kids?

 

[megumic]

Date: 3/11/2010 12:00:40 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/10/2010 2:52:22 PM

Author: megumic

It sounds to me like you''re more worried about bad blood with the moms than you are about what your son wants for his birthday. I think you have to weigh what is more important to you: what your son wants for his birthday party, or your concern over these other moms. Do the rule of 10''s -- will this matter in 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months and 10 years. Usually helps me realize when things matter and when they don''t and I''m just over-analyzing.


Also consider, would you be hurt if these other moms had small birthday celebrations for their children and didn''t invite your son?

Part of the deal is that my son has always been invited to those kids'' parties. I wouldn''t be upset if the other kids didn''t invite my son because all those parties add up. One year, both my sons went to over 20 parties combined at 15 per present, we spent SO much! lol The other is bad blood between moms. You''re right about that. We live in such a small community and live right be everybody, you know? lol


I was thinking about this all again and decided what would probably be best is have my son say he''s not having a party and then tell the moms of the two boys that we''ve gotta keep the party quiet because only a couple are invited.


Penn - 200+ ain''t gonna happen. lol We did the 16 kid party and that was a complete NIGHTMARE! The kids were so noisy and uncontrollable that we''d never have a home party again. EVER. If my kids want a huge party, they can have a kegger out in the woods.

Yikes, with all due respect I don''t think this is a good idea. The potential fall-out of hiding the party and lying about it would be far worse than not inviting a few kids and some bad mommy blood. Further, it shows your son that it''s okay to deceive others - I don''t support teaching children to deceive others so you can have a party. I also don''t think it''s fair to ask the other mom''s to keep lids on it - if someone asked me to do so, I would decline.

 

[Bunny007]

When I first read this, I assumed your son was much younger. Honestly, I think you''re overthinking this. While still young, your son is old enough to decide which friends he''d like to invite, and old enough to deal with the consequences (which I doubt will be severe). In a few years, he''ll be a teenager and friendships change sooo much at this stage. I know you only have his best interests at heart but at most, I''d confirm his earlier decision to invite only two friends and then let it happen. As for the other mothers, I''m sure they''ll understand (and maybe be relieved, like you said!)

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/11/2010 7:12:16 PM
Author: megumic


Yikes, with all due respect I don't think this is a good idea. The potential fall-out of hiding the party and lying about it would be far worse than not inviting a few kids and some bad mommy blood. Further, it shows your son that it's okay to deceive others - I don't support teaching children to deceive others so you can have a party. I also don't think it's fair to ask the other mom's to keep lids on it - if someone asked me to do so, I would decline.

It is VERY common for parents around her to keep the lids on parties. One of the reasons is often the parents do fancy stuff like taking the kids bowling where it's $25 per child and inviting too many kids can cost a fortune. Many of the e-invites we get say, "please try and keep the party quiet to avoid hurt feelings." I did one of those invite everyone parties a few years back thinking only a few kids would come, but ended up with 16 and you can only imagine how much that ran me!

 

[NovemberBride]

Date: 3/12/2010 12:36:45 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/11/2010 7:12:16 PM
Author: megumic


Yikes, with all due respect I don''t think this is a good idea. The potential fall-out of hiding the party and lying about it would be far worse than not inviting a few kids and some bad mommy blood. Further, it shows your son that it''s okay to deceive others - I don''t support teaching children to deceive others so you can have a party. I also don''t think it''s fair to ask the other mom''s to keep lids on it - if someone asked me to do so, I would decline.

It is VERY common for parents around her to keep the lids on parties. One of the reasons is often the parents do fancy stuff like taking the kids bowling where it''s $25 per child and inviting too many kids can cost a fortune. Many of the e-invites we get say, ''please try and keep the party quiet to avoid hurt feelings.'' I did one of those invite everyone parties a few years back thinking only a few kids would come, but ended up with 16 and you can only imagine how much that ran me!

MC,

As with many other things in life, just because others are doing it doesn''t make it right. I would never ask my child to lie, it is setting a bad example. One of the things I intend to teach my daughter as she grows up is that she can make her own decisions about things, but she has to own those decisions and accept the consequences. In this case, I think your son is old enough to choose who he wants at his party. But I think you should also explain the consequences (i.e. firends may be upset and he may not be invited to their parties).

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/12/2010 12:41:57 PM
Author: NovemberBride

Date: 3/12/2010 12:36:45 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/11/2010 7:12:16 PM
Author: megumic


Yikes, with all due respect I don''t think this is a good idea. The potential fall-out of hiding the party and lying about it would be far worse than not inviting a few kids and some bad mommy blood. Further, it shows your son that it''s okay to deceive others - I don''t support teaching children to deceive others so you can have a party. I also don''t think it''s fair to ask the other mom''s to keep lids on it - if someone asked me to do so, I would decline.

It is VERY common for parents around her to keep the lids on parties. One of the reasons is often the parents do fancy stuff like taking the kids bowling where it''s $25 per child and inviting too many kids can cost a fortune. Many of the e-invites we get say, ''please try and keep the party quiet to avoid hurt feelings.'' I did one of those invite everyone parties a few years back thinking only a few kids would come, but ended up with 16 and you can only imagine how much that ran me!

MC,

As with many other things in life, just because others are doing it doesn''t make it right. I would never ask my child to lie, it is setting a bad example. One of the things I intend to teach my daughter as she grows up is that she can make her own decisions about things, but she has to own those decisions and accept the consequences. In this case, I think your son is old enough to choose who he wants at his party. But I think you should also explain the consequences (i.e. firends may be upset and he may not be invited to their parties).

I don''t see why he''s lying if he just doesn''t tell anyone. If some child asked, I would NOT expect my son to lie and say he''s not having a celebration. It''s just that he wouldn''t initiate a conversation about what his plans are so unless someone asked, they simply wouldn''t know. THAT was the point to this whole thread. Would it be better to just ask all his friends rather than risk hurt feelings so we wouldn''t get stuck with this one. Why is keeping something hush-hush instead a lie? I''ve never asked my son to lie about ANYTHING. For you to say I am is BS.

 

[NovemberBride]

Date: 3/11/2010 12:00:40 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/10/2010 2:52:22 PM
Author: megumic
It sounds to me like you''re more worried about bad blood with the moms than you are about what your son wants for his birthday. I think you have to weigh what is more important to you: what your son wants for his birthday party, or your concern over these other moms. Do the rule of 10''s -- will this matter in 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months and 10 years. Usually helps me realize when things matter and when they don''t and I''m just over-analyzing.

Also consider, would you be hurt if these other moms had small birthday celebrations for their children and didn''t invite your son?

Part of the deal is that my son has always been invited to those kids'' parties. I wouldn''t be upset if the other kids didn''t invite my son because all those parties add up. One year, both my sons went to over 20 parties combined at 15 per present, we spent SO much! lol The other is bad blood between moms. You''re right about that. We live in such a small community and live right be everybody, you know? lol

I was thinking about this all again and decided what would probably be best is have my son say he''s not having a party and then tell the moms of the two boys that we''ve gotta keep the party quiet because only a couple are invited.

Penn - 200+ ain''t gonna happen. lol We did the 16 kid party and that was a complete NIGHTMARE! The kids were so noisy and uncontrollable that we''d never have a home party again. EVER. If my kids want a huge party, they can have a kegger out in the woods.

MC,

Sorry if I misunderstood, but your prior post quoted above said you would have your son say he''s not having a party - which would be a lie. I think there is a difference between outright saying he''s not having a party (lie) and just not mentioning anything unless directly asked to avoid hurting feelings (perfectly fine).

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/12/2010 3:17:03 PM
Author: NovemberBride

Date: 3/11/2010 12:00:40 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/10/2010 2:52:22 PM
Author: megumic
It sounds to me like you''re more worried about bad blood with the moms than you are about what your son wants for his birthday. I think you have to weigh what is more important to you: what your son wants for his birthday party, or your concern over these other moms. Do the rule of 10''s -- will this matter in 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months and 10 years. Usually helps me realize when things matter and when they don''t and I''m just over-analyzing.

Also consider, would you be hurt if these other moms had small birthday celebrations for their children and didn''t invite your son?

Part of the deal is that my son has always been invited to those kids'' parties. I wouldn''t be upset if the other kids didn''t invite my son because all those parties add up. One year, both my sons went to over 20 parties combined at 15 per present, we spent SO much! lol The other is bad blood between moms. You''re right about that. We live in such a small community and live right be everybody, you know? lol

I was thinking about this all again and decided what would probably be best is have my son say he''s not having a party and then tell the moms of the two boys that we''ve gotta keep the party quiet because only a couple are invited.

Penn - 200+ ain''t gonna happen. lol We did the 16 kid party and that was a complete NIGHTMARE! The kids were so noisy and uncontrollable that we''d never have a home party again. EVER. If my kids want a huge party, they can have a kegger out in the woods.

MC,

Sorry if I misunderstood, but your prior post quoted above said you would have your son say he''s not having a party - which would be a lie. I think there is a difference between outright saying he''s not having a party (lie) and just not mentioning anything unless directly asked to avoid hurting feelings (perfectly fine).

I''m not even sure if I worded everything correctly. My kids have never been asked to lie about anything. I meant to say, we''d not advertise the party. The e-invites from others didn''t say, "if someone asks, say there isn''t a party." They''d said, "lets just not say anything," as in don''t run around saying how excited the kid is about going to the party in front of everyone in the class.

Oh, well, I''ll figure it out. Like I had said, I don''t want to hurt feelings, so that''s my deal with worrying about this. I tend to want to include everyone so everyone is happy.

 

[NovemberBride]

MC,

I understand what you were trying to say. I worry about hurting feelings too (especially kids feelings) and I am sure I''ll have to deal with this issue down the road as well.

 

[Kay]

If he just wants to do something with 2 friends, can you just not call it a "party." Let the boys do their activity some day other than his birthday, and on his actual birthday you can do a birthday dinner, cake, etc. with family. That way, if asked, you can honestly say he is having a small family birthday celebration this year.

 

[megumic]

Date: 3/12/2010 3:13:30 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/12/2010 12:41:57 PM

Author: NovemberBride

Date: 3/12/2010 12:36:45 PM

Author: MC

Date: 3/11/2010 7:12:16 PM

Author: megumic



Yikes, with all due respect I don''t think this is a good idea. The potential fall-out of hiding the party and lying about it would be far worse than not inviting a few kids and some bad mommy blood. Further, it shows your son that it''s okay to deceive others - I don''t support teaching children to deceive others so you can have a party. I also don''t think it''s fair to ask the other mom''s to keep lids on it - if someone asked me to do so, I would decline.

It is VERY common for parents around her to keep the lids on parties. One of the reasons is often the parents do fancy stuff like taking the kids bowling where it''s $25 per child and inviting too many kids can cost a fortune. Many of the e-invites we get say, ''please try and keep the party quiet to avoid hurt feelings.'' I did one of those invite everyone parties a few years back thinking only a few kids would come, but ended up with 16 and you can only imagine how much that ran me!

MC,


As with many other things in life, just because others are doing it doesn''t make it right. I would never ask my child to lie, it is setting a bad example. One of the things I intend to teach my daughter as she grows up is that she can make her own decisions about things, but she has to own those decisions and accept the consequences. In this case, I think your son is old enough to choose who he wants at his party. But I think you should also explain the consequences (i.e. firends may be upset and he may not be invited to their parties).

I don''t see why he''s lying if he just doesn''t tell anyone. If some child asked, I would NOT expect my son to lie and say he''s not having a celebration. It''s just that he wouldn''t initiate a conversation about what his plans are so unless someone asked, they simply wouldn''t know. THAT was the point to this whole thread. Would it be better to just ask all his friends rather than risk hurt feelings so we wouldn''t get stuck with this one. Why is keeping something hush-hush instead a lie? I''ve never asked my son to lie about ANYTHING. For you to say I am is BS.

I''m sorry if you thought I was twisting your words. I just went on what you had written.

Yeah, I understand the hurt feelings concern too. But I also think 10 yo''s can understand when others have a small party, or perhaps their parents can''t afford to have more guests, etc. Ten is also a good age to start learning that you can''t always be invited to everything. I think many grown-ups still have trouble with this!

In any case, I''m sure your son will have a great birthday no matter how you decide to celebrate!