Q for the childless couples...

[yssie]

God. Judging by how much trouble I'm having adjusting to a puppy screwing up our schedules - must be up by x, must be home by x, must plan xyz before going out at x for x... and given that I don't even really *love* new family additions until they start getting along with the existing crittery and start showing that they like *me*, and knowing that babies don't do anything of the sort for months and months and months... yeah, I'm not cut out for raising children! I'd dislike and resent them.

Which does nothing to explain why I *want* them so badly, one day! Rosetta, I am apparently not blessed with your lack of inexplicable biological imperative to breed. DH is on the fence. He wants kids too but takes a more pessimistic view on whether we'd make good parents. My parents OTOH think we'll be wonderful parents, and think we should endeavour to prove that to ourselves sooner than later

 

[HollyS]

I did wonder if I should have had them . . . back when I was younger than 45.

I did freak out when I thought I might be pregnant at - gasp - 49.

Had we had kids a few years after meeting, rather than marrying several years later, those kids would now be teens. OMG.

Had I had the "almost kid", I would have been 50 before it was born. And the tyke would be 4 yrs. old. I can't even.


Kids should be birthed while you are young enough to keep up with them. I don't care what we can now do with our reproductive systems, and how we can manipulate mother nature. Babies are the easy part of raising kids; but they grow up and need us to be active, healthy, and mostly ungrumpy. We should not be right around the corner from "You kids get off my lawn!" age.

 

[aljdewey]

My husband is much keener on kids, and has made rash promises about changing every nappy, waking every night and wiping every snotty nose. Yeah, yeah. We'll see.

If I had a nickel for every time one of my friends' husbands made similar declarations that evaporated once the kids arrived, I probably could have afforded to retire at 30. I totally believe that most of them fully meant it and had all good intentions when they said it, but it's hard to truly appreciate how staggering the workload is in caring for children until you're really in the thick of it.

While there are some husbands out there who relish and actively participate in child-rearing, I'd have to say that is far from the norm in my observations. Regardless of promises made pre-kids, most women I know are the primary caregivers nearly 95% of the time. The guys actually have to be asked/told what needs to be done; they aren't the ones anticipating the needs and offering to split them. Most of the guys I know see their contributions as 'helping', which is akin to saying that they are helping with their WIVES' responsibilities instead of truly sharing them.

I decided not to have children for many reasons, and for me, this one surely ranked in the Top 5 list.

I'd say that being a few years from 50 puts me pretty safely in the 'can't change my mind now' category, and from this vantage point, I do not have regrets or second thoughts about my choice. I think it's natural for most folks to wonder about any roads not travelled; that's not exclusive to childless couples. I know several who've wondered what their lives/careers/dreams would have been if they hadn't had children, and many of us who didn't have kids wonder what would have been if we did. Wondering doesn't necessarily imply regret; I'd say I'm even more sure now that I made the right choice.

I've been blessed to be a very enthusiastic and engaged Auntie to many of my friends' kids. I'm closer to some than their 'natural' aunts and uncles are. I really do feel that I've been able to make a difference to them (and to their parents) by being available and supportive. I'm happy to be an offensive lineman on the teams where my friends are quarterbacks, so to speak, and that role has brought immeasurable happiness to me. It's not for everyone, I'm sure, but it's a great role for me and one I'm blessed to have. It's the thing I most want to do and to be.

 

[rosetta]

God. Judging by how much trouble I'm having adjusting to a puppy screwing up our schedules - must be up by x, must be home by x, must plan xyz before going out at x for x... and given that I don't even really *love* new family additions until they start getting along with the existing crittery and start showing that they like *me*, and knowing that babies don't do anything of the sort for months and months and months... yeah, I'm not cut out for raising children! I'd dislike and resent them.

Which does nothing to explain why I *want* them so badly, one day! Rosetta, I am apparently not blessed with your lack of inexplicable biological imperative to breed. DH is on the fence. He wants kids too but takes a more pessimistic view on whether we'd make good parents. My parents OTOH think we'll be wonderful parents, and think we should endeavour to prove that to ourselves sooner than later

Aw yssie, I'd say the vast majority of women are like you: they have a drive to have children, not matter what. I think that's known as the ole biological clock ticking. Mine's broken It's great actually, I have no irrational urges, I can wait and plan. I can see both sides of the argument.

Kids are so much work, I relish my freedom so much. Heck, I don't even have any pets! Our parents are hugely impatient for grandkids but they'll have to wait, at the very least.

Ali, yeah I'm sure most men bail on the child rearing. That's why I'm highly skeptical that my husband will suddenly become superdad.

I like older mothers. All the older parents I know have comfortable incomes, are worldly wise and have done a lot of travelling so they are ready to settle down.

 

[zoebartlett]

I like how you worded it, Alj -- "wondered about the roads not traveled." I saw this thread and didn't post because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. Then I read what you wrote and it's pretty much how I feel.

We don't have kids for a few reasons. Part of it is that we feel like we missed the boat, age-wise. Not that we were too old but that we felt too old to start a family. There are other reasons, too. I can't say I regret being child-free but I do often wonder what our life would be like if things were different. I'd be lying if I said I never had a sad thought about not having kids, but I also can't really imagine having them now at this point in my life, either. My husband and I, both separately before we met and then after we got married, were on the fence. Some people KNOW they're meant to be parents but we weren't that way.

I'm as involved in my friends' children's lives as I can be, considering that most of them don't live locally. I love spending time with them and watching them grow. I make a point to tell them and show them how much they mean to me.

I'm around kids all day 5 days a week, and I love it. I love the energy they bring to school. I also love sending "my kids" home at the end of day and going home to a quiet house. Sometimes it's too quiet, but overall, we're very happy with the way things are. I do wonder how things will be in the (hopefully) far-off future, but since I won't be able to change anything, it's not something I dwell on.

 

[CaprineSun]

Aw yssie, I'd say the vast majority of women are like you: they have a drive to have children, not matter what. I think that's known as the ole biological clock ticking. Mine's broken It's great actually, I have no irrational urges, I can wait and plan. I can see both sides of the argument.

Kids are so much work, I relish my freedom so much. Heck, I don't even have any pets! Our parents are hugely impatient for grandkids but they'll have to wait, at the very least.

Ali, yeah I'm sure most men bail on the child rearing. That's why I'm highly skeptical that my husband will suddenly become superdad.

I like older mothers. All the older parents I know have comfortable incomes, are worldly wise and have done a lot of travelling so they are ready to settle down.

We are very much alike re:the bolded! I think we have a similar pattern of thinking for various reasons. ITA.
I, like you, am so happy I don't have even an inkling yet. I am more than happy to take my time & reconvene with my SO at a later time to decide if we will have kids. At the moment, the decision is no.

 

[yssie]

Aw yssie, I'd say the vast majority of women are like you: they have a drive to have children, not matter what. I think that's known as the ole biological clock ticking. Mine's broken It's great actually, I have no irrational urges, I can wait and plan. I can see both sides of the argument.

Kids are so much work, I relish my freedom so much. Heck, I don't even have any pets! Our parents are hugely impatient for grandkids but they'll have to wait, at the very least.

Ali, yeah I'm sure most men bail on the child rearing. That's why I'm highly skeptical that my husband will suddenly become superdad.

I like older mothers. All the older parents I know have comfortable incomes, are worldly wise and have done a lot of travelling so they are ready to settle down.

We are very much alike re:the bolded! I think we have a similar pattern of thinking for various reasons. ITA.
I, like you, am so happy I don't have even an inkling yet. I am more than happy to take my time & reconvene with my SO at a later time to decide if we will have kids. At the moment, the decision is no.

LOL. Well, my biological clock needs to CTFO. I'm 26!!

 

[jeweln]

Maria D
I feel exactly like you ! I have college age boys and currently they are giving me lots of trouble .whenever I see mothers with young kids ,I think they are wasting their time ,they dont know whats coming !

 

[AGBF]

I knew I wanted to be a mother. I felt my life would really be incomplete without the experience of mothering a child; the child did not have to be my biological child, but I wanted to mother her from early infancy. When my husband and I were unable to conceive, I urged him to adopt. He had reservations, but when he saw our our newborn baby, she melted his heart.

She was the easiest baby and child, causing me no trouble throughout elementary school-except that she suffered from separation anxiety when she started new schools (pre-school at three at kindergarten at five.) She got excellent grades, was highly musical, and became quite a good cellist for her age.

When she got to be about 11 or 12 years old something went wrong...and it took a long time for it to become clear what that "something" was. It turned out that she had become bi-polar as she became an adolescent, obviously something she was genetically programmed to become. She has suffered terribly for the past eight or nine years with the disease and our family has suffered with her.

One never knows what heartbreak one will have with a child. Physical or mental illness can strike. One can lose a precious child to an accident or random violence. There is no guarantee that a child will grow up to be what you had hoped a child would be. If one signs on to be a parent it should be (in my opinion) because one truly wants to be a parent and is willing to accept responsibility for whatever happens after the child is brought into the family.

Deb/AGBF

 

[jeweln]

Yssie
when a woman is pregnant ,her body produces the hormone Oxytocin .it gives her "maternal instincts " .so in fact you will love the baby even before it is born ,unlike the pets that you will love after they are good to you or get along with the rest .mother of six here .

 

[rosetta]

Aw yssie, I'd say the vast majority of women are like you: they have a drive to have children, not matter what. I think that's known as the ole biological clock ticking. Mine's broken It's great actually, I have no irrational urges, I can wait and plan. I can see both sides of the argument.

Kids are so much work, I relish my freedom so much. Heck, I don't even have any pets! Our parents are hugely impatient for grandkids but they'll have to wait, at the very least.

Ali, yeah I'm sure most men bail on the child rearing. That's why I'm highly skeptical that my husband will suddenly become superdad.

I like older mothers. All the older parents I know have comfortable incomes, are worldly wise and have done a lot of travelling so they are ready to settle down.

We are very much alike re:the bolded! I think we have a similar pattern of thinking for various reasons. ITA.
I, like you, am so happy I don't have even an inkling yet. I am more than happy to take my time & reconvene with my SO at a later time to decide if we will have kids. At the moment, the decision is no.

LOL. Well, my biological clock needs to CTFO. I'm 26!!

Yeah, at 26 your clock should be brand spanking new, with a mere few ticks elapsed. Looks like it may be doing double time! You'll be Mama Yssie in no time

Deb, I'm sorry to hear of the tough time you've had with your daughter. Bi-polar disease is so hard on all those around the affected person as well. My warmest wishes for her continued peace and recovery.

Jweln, oxytocin is released in all sorts of situations, not just between mother and unborn child (and it may not be released at all) so I don't count on this being a panacea for all. Post-natal depression is something I worry about too.

CapriSun, my sister in indecisive procrastination, I await you on the geriatric-but-completely-awesome side of motherhood!

 

[yssie]

Aw yssie, I'd say the vast majority of women are like you: they have a drive to have children, not matter what. I think that's known as the ole biological clock ticking. Mine's broken It's great actually, I have no irrational urges, I can wait and plan. I can see both sides of the argument.

Kids are so much work, I relish my freedom so much. Heck, I don't even have any pets! Our parents are hugely impatient for grandkids but they'll have to wait, at the very least.

Ali, yeah I'm sure most men bail on the child rearing. That's why I'm highly skeptical that my husband will suddenly become superdad.

I like older mothers. All the older parents I know have comfortable incomes, are worldly wise and have done a lot of travelling so they are ready to settle down.

We are very much alike re:the bolded! I think we have a similar pattern of thinking for various reasons. ITA.
I, like you, am so happy I don't have even an inkling yet. I am more than happy to take my time & reconvene with my SO at a later time to decide if we will have kids. At the moment, the decision is no.

LOL. Well, my biological clock needs to CTFO. I'm 26!!

Yeah, at 26 your clock should be brand spanking new, with a mere few ticks elapsed. Looks like it may be doing double time! You'll be Mama Yssie in no time

Deb, I'm sorry to hear of the tough time you've had with your daughter. Bi-polar disease is so hard on all those around the affected person as well. My warmest wishes for her continued peace and recovery.

Jweln, oxytocin is released in all sorts of situations, not just between mother and unborn child (and it may not be released at all) so I don't count on this being a panacea for all. Post-natal depression is something I worry about too.

CapriSun, my sister in indecisive procrastination, I await you on the geriatric-but-completely-awesome side of motherhood!

I'd better not be - not without a return policy in writing, signed and dated

I somehow think you're rather further from advanced age than your post might suggest

 

[04diamond<3]

Yssie - We're the same age.

DH and I got married almost 5 years ago and we were immediately questioned about babies. I'm Romanian and family is the most important thing in the world (other than your faith), but when everyone else has turned their back, family will always be together. I am also adopted and my adopted parents were 45 when they adopted us. When I met DH, his family is very "American" typical suburban family (which is not bad!), just very different. In their eyes, we should have a house, all our debt paid off, a year of salary in savings and all these other "ducks" in a row before having kids. His mom was 27 when he was born and his dad was 30 and they owned their big family house just after DH was born (didn't help that grandma is a real estate queen and she helped them out a lot!).

In the last year we miscarried and felt that that was God's way of saying "Not now". So I've been back in school full time and about a year away from getting a degree in management. I shutter at the thought of doing all this schooling and just getting pregnant and staying home. My SIL is doing that as soon as my BIL finishes his masters and it makes me sad. They'll be paying off her school debt long after she is at home raising kids. In my mind, I'd like to provide the best future that I can for our kids. If by the time we can finally afford such a lifestyle for them my eggs have dried up, then (and either way we'll be doing this), there are hundreds of millions of kids out on streets that have no hope, so we'd definitely love to adopt! I was one of them and someone had mercy on me to take me in a give me a life I never dreamed of. It was hard! But I thank the Lord for such grace. My mom waited till she was 45 because she was finishing her dissertation in French in France and had just bought one of our first houses.

I would not ever recommend having children just to have as company when you're immobile! That's not fair to them and who's to say that it'll all turn out the way you thought? And at this age (your friends age)....I suppose they could adopt an older child. I know that the older children in orphanages that don't get adopted are thrown out when they reach 16 or 18 and usually go into prostitution or are destined for a life of crime if they survive.

** just wanted to add that as someone else mentioned - children are complete blessings and should be treated as such. They shouldn't be created for any other reason but because their parents love them so much and wanted to put their needs above their own.

 

[chiquitapet]

I can't remember where I read it, but someone once wrote that they'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.

I LOVE that. Love it. That's going to be my new go-to line when people start giving me crap (and boy do they) about DH and I not having children.

Definitely will be my response from now on too. Very clever.

 

[Jennifer W]

My husband is much keener on kids, and has made rash promises about changing every nappy, waking every night and wiping every snotty nose. Yeah, yeah. We'll see.

If I had a nickel for every time one of my friends' husbands made similar declarations that evaporated once the kids arrived, I probably could have afforded to retire at 30. I totally believe that most of them fully meant it and had all good intentions when they said it, but it's hard to truly appreciate how staggering the workload is in caring for children until you're really in the thick of it.

While there are some husbands out there who relish and actively participate in child-rearing, I'd have to say that is far from the norm in my observations. Regardless of promises made pre-kids, most women I know are the primary caregivers nearly 95% of the time. The guys actually have to be asked/told what needs to be done; they aren't the ones anticipating the needs and offering to split them. Most of the guys I know see their contributions as 'helping', which is akin to saying that they are helping with their WIVES' responsibilities instead of truly sharing them.

I decided not to have children for many reasons, and for me, this one surely ranked in the Top 5 list.

I'd say that being a few years from 50 puts me pretty safely in the 'can't change my mind now' category, and from this vantage point, I do not have regrets or second thoughts about my choice. I think it's natural for most folks to wonder about any roads not travelled; that's not exclusive to childless couples. I know several who've wondered what their lives/careers/dreams would have been if they hadn't had children, and many of us who didn't have kids wonder what would have been if we did. Wondering doesn't necessarily imply regret; I'd say I'm even more sure now that I made the right choice.

I've been blessed to be a very enthusiastic and engaged Auntie to many of my friends' kids. I'm closer to some than their 'natural' aunts and uncles are. I really do feel that I've been able to make a difference to them (and to their parents) by being available and supportive. I'm happy to be an offensive lineman on the teams where my friends are quarterbacks, so to speak, and that role has brought immeasurable happiness to me. It's not for everyone, I'm sure, but it's a great role for me and one I'm blessed to have. It's the thing I most want to do and to be.

That bit in bold? I find that really frightening. I don't do 95% or even close, because I'm not up for it. Shared, and I'm holding him to that. Not that I need to, because he gets it. Of course he does - that's why I chose him as the father of my baby! I'm not going to be telling the other parent what to do either. I'm not in charge, I'm not the manager, so figure it out, like I had to (actually, I'm cheating slightly here, because he had already had 2 kids and been a SAHD, so I knew he was competent). I would not have considered having a child without a fully involved genuine co-parent. I take my hat off to lone parents, because I don't know how you do it. You're awesome! I do not take my hat off to men who don't participate properly. To say the least.

If I hadn't chosen this path, I'm sure I'd have regrets, but they say you never miss what you never had, so in that sense, my life was happy and fulfilled before and would have continued to be if I'd chosen on balance not to have a family. I can't pin my happiness on another person (even if I did give birth to her. Over a period of 17 hours...). It's all down to me.

ETA I'm pretty sure Alj is an awesome Auntie irl. She's a virtual auntie to my girl, and I really do hope she can visit us one of these days, because there's a wee girl here who would love to meet her!