Q for the childless couples...

[Dancing Fire]

will you have second thoughts about not having kids when it is too late?

i have known this childless couple for many many years, now they are in their mid 50's and i think they are having second thoughts about not having any kids.30 yrs ago like most young couples they wanted to travel the world,do this,do that w/o kids,since they have done traveling the world and now they feel loneliness w/o any kids in their lives. the husband said...when one of us pass away the survivor will feel lonely w/o any childrens or grandchildrens.

 

[texaskj]

I'd tell them that's one of the worst reasons I've ever heard for having children. There's no guarantee your children will take care of you, speak to you or live anywhere near you. And grandchildren!? I know too many families where the different generations don't have anything to do with each other. They're worried about being lonely in the future? What a waste of time. Get out and do something, get involved, meet people. What the hell happened to personal responsibility in this country?
OK, I'm stepping down from the soapbox now.......

 

[SB621]

I'd tell them that's one of the worst reasons I've ever heard for having children. There's no guarantee your children will take care of you, speak to you or live anywhere near you. And grandchildren!? I know too many families where the different generations don't have anything to do with each other. They're worried about being lonely in the future? What a waste of time. Get out and do something, get involved, meet people. What the hell happened to personal responsibility in this country?
OK, I'm stepping down from the soapbox now.......

I couldn't agree more with this! preach on texas!

I won't even get started on this topic....

 

[Laila619]

I'd tell them that's one of the worst reasons I've ever heard for having children. There's no guarantee your children will take care of you, speak to you or live anywhere near you. And grandchildren!? I know too many families where the different generations don't have anything to do with each other. They're worried about being lonely in the future? What a waste of time. Get out and do something, get involved, meet people. What the hell happened to personal responsibility in this country?
OK, I'm stepping down from the soapbox now.......

Yes, all definitely true.

 

[Roxy]

I'd tell them that's one of the worst reasons I've ever heard for having children. There's no guarantee your children will take care of you, speak to you or live anywhere near you. And grandchildren!? I know too many families where the different generations don't have anything to do with each other. They're worried about being lonely in the future? What a waste of time. Get out and do something, get involved, meet people. What the hell happened to personal responsibility in this country?
OK, I'm stepping down from the soapbox now.......

I couldn't agree more with this! preach on texas!

I won't even get started on this topic....

I'm another one who agrees w/ Texas!! Good grief. My mom's family is an example where all of them (her and her 13 siblings) had children, but I think there's only a handful of "us" who have close, thriving, healthy relationships with our parents. The rest have continually been in and out of serious trouble through the years. I think children are blessings and should be looked at that way, not as future caretakers or loan officers, but that's just me.

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="Roxy|1358564815|

I'm another one who agrees w/ Texas!! Good grief. My mom's family is an example where all of them (her and her 13 siblings) had children, but I think there's only a handful of "us" who have close, thriving, healthy relationships with our parents. The rest have continually been in and out of serious trouble through the years. I think children are blessings and should be looked at that way, not as future caretakers or loan officers, but that's just me.[/quote]


loan officers???... ..i'll be happy if they don't ask us for money...

 

[TC1987]

It figures that the husband would say that. Most fathers I know never do any of the actual crapwork of raising their children, or the constant cleaning up after them, nor do they have their whole entire personal lives dictated by the needs and chores for children and "the family life." They have some romanticized notion of what it's like to have children. I don't have anything nice to say to men who suddenly decide late in life, or late in a marriage, that now they suddenly want children. What they have no clue of, looking at other people's nice families at this stage, is the 25-30 years of gruntwork it took somebody to achieve it. They are like those homemakers who hit 50 and then say "Now I'm ready for a career. How do I get a career liker yours?" Forget it.

 

[JewelFreak]

What they have no clue of, looking at other people's nice families at this stage, is the 25-30 years of gruntwork it took somebody to achieve it. They are like those homemakers who hit 50 and then say "Now I'm ready for a career. How do I get a career liker yours?" Forget it.

Great!

 

[rubybeth]

I can't remember where I read it, but someone once wrote that they'd rather regret not having children than regret having them, and all the resentment and anger and negative emotions/attitudes that would involve. I agree completely. Loneliness is a part of life whether you have children or not. I am an introvert so prefer my quiet time and times I choose to spend with others much more than the time I must spend with people.

I also HATE the question, "Are you going to have a family?" or "Don't you want a family?" WTF, are my sister, parents, aunts, cousins, etc. NOT my family already? I am part of a huge family (dad has 10 siblings), though I only have one sister. My DH's family is also huge, even though he's an only child, and we see aunts, second cousins, and great aunts on a regular basis.

I have 26 (or is it 27?!) first cousins, most of whom are married and who are now having kids en masse, so DH and I can be what we call in my family 'cous-aunt and cous-uncle' to them, without paying for diapers or college.

 

[fabulousfindk]

My aunt married her husband with the understanding that they both didn't want children. But when she hit her forties, she started to change her mind and wish they could try, but he was adamant it was not in the cards.

I feel bad for her. Things change.. maybe some people hit a certain point in their lives where they've done all they want to do and want something MORE. I would advise them to get involved - with younger family members, community, church, Boys and Girls club, etc. You can be a mentor or friend and have special young people in your life even if you are not a parent.

I sometimes resent the biological/societal RUSH to have kids (I'm 2 before I'm established in my desired career, but also, can't picture my life without them.

 

[kenny]

will you have second thoughts about not having kids when it is too late?

Nope.
I've never wanted to be a parent.
I'm an introvert who prefers a very quiet simple life.

Another reason I'm glad I didn't reproduce...
When I die and my embalming fluid leaches into the groundwater, my carbon footprint stops walking.

 

[sonnyjane]

I can't remember where I read it, but someone once wrote that they'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.

I LOVE that. Love it. That's going to be my new go-to line when people start giving me crap (and boy do they) about DH and I not having children.

 

[Haven]

I think the only good reason to have children is that you *want* children.

 

[rosetta]

There is NO WAY that you can do everything, see everything, taste everything this world has to offer in one lifetime.

Your imagination has to be severely limited if you think that you have run out of things to do.

An extremely poor reason to have children. In fact, you will give up a lot more having kids than by not having them. Because having kids means making sacrifices. And anyone who says otherwise is either lying or deluding themselves!

I'm not sure if I'll have kids, but I'm damn sure I'll have to sacrifice something to have them, be it money, career, time or all three.

And there is no guarantee AT ALL they will even give me the time of day when I'm older. I can't tell you how many people I've seen dumping their grannies in hospital before jetting off on holidays or away for christmas. It's enough to make me feel sick.

 

[HopeDream]

I have plenty of neices and nephews, and I don't think it would be to difficult to become more of an "Auntie" in the lives of my friend's kids, and there's always the option of taking in foster children or homestay students. It's my responsibility to save up for a nursing home when I'm old. If I have to hire someone to take care of me, then so be it.

 

[chrono]

DF,
The only way to know is to ask those who are past the reproductive stage. Those still within child-bearing age can either still change their mind now or remain adamantly against. There can be no option for regrets when one is still able to change the outcome.

 

[Dancing Fire]

DF,
The only way to know is to ask those who are past the reproductive stage. Those still within child-bearing age can either still change their mind now or remain adamantly against. There can be no option for regrets when one is still able to change the outcome.

i don't think the couple i'm referring to have that option now.they are in their mid 50's.

 

[marymm]

Nope, no regrets whatsoever

 

[Dancing Fire]

I'd tell them that's one of the worst reasons I've ever heard for having children. There's no guarantee your children will take care of you, speak to you or live anywhere near you. And grandchildren!? I know too many families where the different generations don't have anything to do with each other. They're worried about being lonely in the future? What a waste of time. Get out and do something, get involved, meet people. What the hell happened to personal responsibility in this country?
OK, I'm stepping down from the soapbox now.......

nope,no guarantee! the only guarantee is that they'll give you a bunch of headaches during their teenage years...

 

[ksinger]

Wow, some of the responses in this thread are pretty harsh. Confiding a few regrets for the path not taken, or fears for one's old age has somehow become a lack of responsibility? Quite a stretch, IMO. Having kids for one's old age is a time-honored tradition, and tacitly expected for that very reason. Most people, even now, have children because it's expected, not because they've done a whole bunch of soul-searching about the meaning of kids and their deepest motivations for having them.

My husband and I - when we aren't busy enjoying the heck out of our free time, do indulge in a bit of wistfulness that we didn't get ourselves together in time to have kids together, but active regrets? No. A complete waste of time. Our lives are quite good, and if he needs kids he gets about 120 of them a day, 5 days a week. We have younger friends, who by the fact that they actually choose to hang with us, show us that we haven't totally lost our youth factor, and we try to offer them a bit of advice and stories from the viewpoint of people who are old enough to BE their parents but who treat them as the equals that their parents probably don't, yet. They get the insights gathered from our experience, and we get to enjoy their energy and enthusiasm - and get to play flip-cup at 25-year-olds' birthday parties. (No, I never played flip-cup in college, for the record).

 

[LaraOnline]

Most people, even now, have children because it's expected, not because they've done a whole bunch of soul-searching about the meaning of kids and their deepest motivations for having them.

Amen to that! I feel it's an important reason why many men bother to marry in this day and age, tbh.

 

[Maria D]

Funny, as a woman in her 50s who is the parent of a young adult, I'm also wistful, but in a different way. As my daughter becomes more and more independent (as she should), I am stunned by how hard empty-nest syndrome has hit me. When I see parents out wearing their babies in slings or strolling them around, I joke to my husband that they are just wasting their time. All that effort and before you know it, the kid will go off to college and barely take time to send a text. I kind of feel cheated - just when my daughter has become the most interesting to me, she's off building her own life and I'm only on the periphery. And after I put in all those years of listening to endless drone about dinosaurs, Piglet, and Pikachu!

Hope I'm not too much of a buzz-kill for the young parents here!

Maybe a bit of wistfulness is just normal for this age. When you've lived more than half your life and your life is pretty comfortable, I think you tend to reflect.

 

[NOYFB]

Nope. Not at all.

 

[Christina...]

Funny, as a woman in her 50s who is the parent of a young adult, I'm also wistful, but in a different way. As my daughter becomes more and more independent (as she should), I am stunned by how hard empty-nest syndrome has hit me. When I see parents out wearing their babies in slings or strolling them around, I joke to my husband that they are just wasting their time. All that effort and before you know it, the kid will go off to college and barely take time to send a text. I kind of feel cheated - just when my daughter has become the most interesting to me, she's off building her own life and I'm only on the periphery. And after I put in all those years of listening to endless drone about dinosaurs, Piglet, and Pikachu!

Hope I'm not too much of a buzz-kill for the young parents here!

Maybe a bit of wistfulness is just normal for this age. When you've lived more than half your life and your life is pretty comfortable, I think you tend to reflect.

My son is only 13 and I'm already having nightmares about this! I've been telling him for years that his father and I are going to build him an apartment in the upstairs of our garage and that when he starts his own family and outgrows it that his dad and I will move into the apartment and his family can have our home. So far he thinks this is a really cool idea, but my husband tells me that it's only going to take one pretty girl to tear all my plans and dreams apart!

 

[iLander]

Funny, as a woman in her 50s who is the parent of a young adult, I'm also wistful, but in a different way. As my daughter becomes more and more independent (as she should), I am stunned by how hard empty-nest syndrome has hit me. When I see parents out wearing their babies in slings or strolling them around, I joke to my husband that they are just wasting their time. All that effort and before you know it, the kid will go off to college and barely take time to send a text. I kind of feel cheated - just when my daughter has become the most interesting to me, she's off building her own life and I'm only on the periphery. And after I put in all those years of listening to endless drone about dinosaurs, Piglet, and Pikachu!

Hope I'm not too much of a buzz-kill for the young parents here!

Maybe a bit of wistfulness is just normal for this age. When you've lived more than half your life and your life is pretty comfortable, I think you tend to reflect.

Exactly! I will miss my DD terribly when she leaves home, and DS is long gone with a wife. DH and I have often discussed "what was all that FOR?" A few generations back, everyone stayed together as an extended family, grandmothers and grandfathers, uncles, aunts, kids all together. Now the kids can't wait to hit the door and two minutes to text (god forbid you should want a phone call!) is a huge imposition.

Yup. I am a bit bitter . . .

 

[iLander]

My son is only 13 and I'm already having nightmares about this! I've been telling him for years that his father and I are going to build him an apartment in the upstairs of our garage and that when he starts his own family and outgrows it that his dad and I will move into the apartment and his family can have our home. So far he thinks this is a really cool idea, but my husband tells me that it's only going to take one pretty girl to tear all my plans and dreams apart!

Been there . . . DS lived in one of our houses rent-free, and when the real estate market peeked, we wanted to sell. He said it was his dream to live there his whole life. We said sure, stay. Then the market crashed, he met a girl, she didn't even like our town, and he moved an hour away to be near her (increased his work commute from 10 minutes to 1 1/2 hours--each way). They're married now, rarely see us, and we eventually sold the house for $300K off the peak. So, don't count on it.

 

[LaraOnline]

iLander, I really feel for you.
I get along really well with my m-i-l.
And yet, I am totally paranoid that deep, deep inside lol she is still a bit resentful that I married my husband in the first place!

And that I am just the annoying breeder of her wonderful grandchildren.
although I spend much more time with her physically, whenever she stays. I interact with her much more than her son does, and we get along very well!

But whenever she writes (always to my husband) or telephones him, she never even mentions my name or even ask after my health...it's always her son, and the kids. We've been married ten years though, I think I see some changes creeping in lol.

 

[LaraOnline]

Most people, even now, have children because it's expected, not because they've done a whole bunch of soul-searching about the meaning of kids and their deepest motivations for having them.

Amen to that! I feel it's an important reason why many men bother to marry in this day and age, tbh.

Eek, wanted to apologise to the PS community for this cryptic post! It was the beginning of a thought lol, but then came a knock on the door...

I'm very PRO-marriage. I feel sad that so many Australians - men particularly - are cynical and distrustful. But then, my father died very early so perhaps that's the reason I always craved a 'meaningful' romantic relationship.

But yes, kids are basically the way 'marriage' is often done.
And my view about kids - which was clarified deep in my drug-free labour just before the doctor said 'push' lol - is that they are a giant primitive pyramid scheme that is all going to come crashing down sooner or later.

Surely as we evolve we can consider more deeply the role of children in our personal development. Certainly the care of children is a massive glass ceiling for women in terms of business and career. Childless women please be aware: I envy you your well paid and interesting job, your prospects for advancement and skill development, your ability to travel. I also covet your beige lounge, and your adult conversation!!

If only I'd thought about the impact of twice daily school runs on my personal life before I begged my man to make me pregnant that first time lol.

 

[rosetta]

Most people, even now, have children because it's expected, not because they've done a whole bunch of soul-searching about the meaning of kids and their deepest motivations for having them.

Amen to that! I feel it's an important reason why many men bother to marry in this day and age, tbh.

Eek, wanted to apologise to the PS community for this cryptic post! It was the beginning of a thought lol, but then came a knock on the door...

I'm very PRO-marriage. I feel sad that so many Australians - men particularly - are cynical and distrustful. But then, my father died very early so perhaps that's the reason I always craved a 'meaningful' romantic relationship.

But yes, kids are basically the way 'marriage' is often done.
And my view about kids - which was clarified deep in my drug-free labour just before the doctor said 'push' lol - is that they are a giant primitive pyramid scheme that is all going to come crashing down sooner or later.

Surely as we evolve we can consider more deeply the role of children in our personal development. Certainly the care of children is a massive glass ceiling for women in terms of business and career. Childless women please be aware: I envy you your well paid and interesting job, your prospects for advancement and skill development, your ability to travel. I also covet your beige lounge, and your adult conversation!!

If only I'd thought about the impact of twice daily school runs on my personal life before I begged my man to make me pregnant that first time lol.

LOL. As a well paid career woman, who travels a lot (don't be jealous, I'm off to Vietnam next month) talks to adults and reclines on a beige couch, I appreciate your honesty! I'm not sure about having kids at all, as I do realise how much I would have to sacrifice or at the very least, juggle every waking hour of the day. I try not to have overly simplistic romantic notions about having kids, and I am blessed with not having an overwhelming desire to breed. So I'm trying to come to a good life decision and so far, child rearing is not a winner. Things may change later so I remain open. My husband is much keener on kids, and has made rash promises about changing every nappy, waking every night and wiping every snotty nose. Yeah, yeah. We'll see.

 

[Joolz]

will you have second thoughts about not having kids when it is too late?

i have known this childless couple for many many years, now they are in their mid 50's and i think they are having second thoughts about not having any kids.30 yrs ago like most young couples they wanted to travel the world,do this,do that w/o kids,since they have done traveling the world and now they feel loneliness w/o any kids in their lives. the husband said...when one of us pass away the survivor will feel lonely w/o any childrens or grandchildrens.

There is probably not a week that goes by that I don’t think about how glad I am that we decided to never have kids.

As an aside, the above mentioned husband sounds like a bozo and has clearly never visited a nursing home filled with patients that don't get visits from their children/grandchildren.