Purposal? Need opinions!!!!

[upstech]

All right everyone I could really use some opinions. My e-ring for my gf just got finished this morning and I want to pop the question. Let me give you a little background. One year ago this Sunday coming up (Easter) her mom passed away of cancer. I can tell she’s been real sad lately (it’s been a hard year for her). Do you think it’s to close to her mothers death to pop the question. I may do it tonight! I’ve asked around and some people felt like it is a good idea and some said it was just to close. What does everyone think????

 

[verticalhorizon]

Ugh... I dunno about that. See remembering the death of a parent is sad, but not necessarily bad. It all depends on the individual. You know your GF best.

Every year on my late grandfather's birthday, I take my GF out to dinner to celebrate his life. He was like my father in more respects than I can imagine.

If you're using the proposal to distract her from this sad day, you may be doing it for the wrong reasons. Or I guess more accurately, doing a good thing with potentially not-so-good results. Even though it makes her sad, she may "enjoy" taking this time of year to reflect fondly on her relationship with her mother.

My recommendation is to just be there for her. Ask her questions about her mom and listen, listen, listen. Wait for a better time to pop the question.

Again, you know her best. That's just my opinion. You'll pick the right decision.

 

[strmrdr]

I agree with diagonalman.
Having lost both my parents, I dont think its a good idea.

 

[ClownFishFunk]

Hmm, this is a tough one. If, as you say, she has been sad lately, it may be best to wait atleast until a few days after this sunday passes - it may be hard to celebrate an engagement while thinking about her late mother. It may also depend on what kind of proposal you are planning. Is it big and involved? Or are you just planning on popping the question when the time feels right/at the right moment? If it is an involved proposal, I would suggest post-poning it. If you are just waiting for a special moment, than do it whenever it feels best, whether it is before or after this sunday. Of course, you know her best, just be sure not to do it when she is feeling down. I hope this helps.

 

[Hest88]

I would wait until after Easter. Let her mourn her mother again without any distractions, and then propose.

 

[pqcollectibles]

It might be too soon. The death of a parent is traumatic. The grief process varies from person to person. DiagonalMan gave you some good advise. Be there for your lady thru this time period. Get her to talk about her mother and listen. Share in her mother's life and her grief with her. Take your que from your lady. You may decide it's best to wait a while longer for your big event.

 

[upstech]

I appreciate all the replies. I don't want to do it because shes sad and I think this will make her happy, i had wanted to do it because I love her. Another thing i was thinking was that I know she feels a little insecure ( not the best wording) without her mom and felt like giving her the e-ring would at least help make her secure in her future/ our future.

 

[verticalhorizon]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that the engagement was JUST b/c over her mother's passing. Obviously you love the girl or you wouldn't be on PS.com!

But I believe a couple's engagement should have it's own special place and time. Also, I think the passing of one's parents (unavoidable) also should have it's own specialness. As time passes, her grief will become more bareable and lead to more memories of what was special about their relationship. I mean, it only just happend last year. Of course, she's going to be having a rough time. I suggest if she's feeling really distraught and 'insecure' without her mother, grief counseling is not out of the question.

The sheer fact that you're being so supportive and understanding will give her all the comfort in your future she'll need right now.

Sort of related: This brings out the age old gender debate that men seek to fix problems and women tend to need/provide solace. I'm guilty of this gender stereotype all the time! Any women want to comment? Please view High Fidelity for a perfect example of this.

 

[2Bmarried]

I'd have to agree with the majority here. I think that even if you make a special day out of it, it might make her think about her mother's passing when she doesn't want to. I'd personally hate to think of a bad thing that has happened in the past when I really want to remember the good from that particular day. My fiancee would probably get too emotional each year, as she would undoubtedly be more aware and reminded of what (bad) happened because it was our "special day" to remember the good.........might not be too special after all. I'd wait a little while, personally.

 

[indigo]

I vote no! I'll be getting married the same week of June that my mother passed away in three years ago. I didn't have any other summer Saturdays to choose from or I wouldn't have chosen it. All the wedding stuff just reminds me of how much I miss her and wish she were here. I want her here to help me plan it. She was the first person I would have normally called when I got engaged. Mothers usually help a lot with their daughter's weddings so having recently lost mine is especially hard when it comes to the wedding.

I can see how you might mean for it to make her feel better, but I'm not sure that's what it would do. I wouldn't want to associate my proposal date with my mother passing anyway.

I'm sure you're anxious to do it, but give it a little time.

Also, just some future advice:
I don't know what other females she has to help with wedding planning, but I suggest you really keep in mind that it's going to be especially hard for her to do it without her mother. Offer to help as much as you can. Actually, just try to support her decisions. Help her find out what it is that she wants and be excited about it. Having a different opinion can just make things harder on her so unless it's something that really matters to you... try not to give your opinion until you know what your opinion should be

Two things that I hate are when I ask my fiance for an opinion and he doesn't have one at all AND when I ask him for his opinion and it goes directly against what I want.
For instance, moms usually go to try on dresses with their daughters and will tell them how nice they look and be all excited and happy for them. I had to go with my sister who kept telling me that she hated my color choice (not white) and that the styles I liked aren't very pretty. I made the mistake of asking my fiance for his opinion on the dresses, and he didn't like the one that I secretly wanted (and ended up getting). I really just wanted someone to support my decision to get the one I liked, but now I feel like I'm getting married in a dress he doesn't like.

 

[fire&ice]

I'd wait until the year has passed. While the hurt doesn't go away, life is a little easier because you don't have the "first" holiday without Mom thing.

Morning the death of her mom & celebrating your engagement are two distinct things. After the year anniversary has passed (since it's so close), I see no reason not to get on with your life together.

 

[dbgaap]

It sounds like that ring is burning a hole in your pocket and that is understandable. You have put a lot of care into the ring selection and have every right to feel enthusiastic about presenting it to her.


One more vote for waiting.


Show your love by listening to her and being there for her.


Put your own feelings aside just for a little while. If you can separate & identify your feelings from her feelings, you'll be able to choose well.


If you have to wait, just remember, it will just make the eventual moment that much more special.


Best wishes-

 

[pqcollectibles]

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On 4/5/2004 12:37:00 PM indigo wrote:

I vote no! I'll be getting married the same week of June that my mother passed away in three years ago.

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With great respect, Indigo,..... I well know that 3 years is much different than the year following. Been thru it myself. The first anniversary of my father's passing was a hugely emotional time for me and my entire family. There are many remembrances and strong emotions associated with the first anniversary that lessen with time. That time of year always holds a saddened time in my heart, but the "one year" mark is the most emotional. I met and married Hubby 3 years later after my father died. I still get the blues around both his birthday and the anniversary of his passing. Hubby sympathizes, but he cannot completely understand.

 

[upstech]

I appreciate everyones replies. I spoke with her father and he also feels i should wait. I cant imagine how heard that has to be for her and it was definitly a very sad time last year. I was glad to be there for her.

 

[verticalhorizon]

If you want to score major points... also reach out to Dad, too. He lost a wife and that can't be any easier than losing a parent. Ask if there's anything you can do around town to help him out. Maybe go play golf or help fix something. Bond. Nothing shows that you're family material than if you're already comfortable in the role.

 

[fire&ice]

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On 4/5/2004 12:06:33 PM verticalhorizon wrote:

Sort of related: This brings out the age old gender debate that men seek to fix problems and women tend to need/provide solace. I'm guilty of this gender stereotype all the time! Any women want to comment? Please view High Fidelity for a perfect example of this. ----------------

So, we aren't movin diagonal anymore?

Yes, you are absolutely correct. And, to add, a source of the disconnect/not understanding women that men experience.

I'm glad upstech that you are waiting. That one year mark is tough. But, I don't think you have to wait much beyond Easter.

 

[pqcollectibles]

The sadness seems to intensify before the anniversary and subsides afterward. Like the waxing and waning of the moon.

You are a sweetie, Upstech, for being so understanding of you Lady's needs during this time.