I just need to vent. My younger cousin has been married to an abuser for ten years, but two days ago she sent me an SOS because it's getting worse. Unfortunately the family is colluding in silence, due to fear of upsetting him and him subsequently taking it out on her. So he's getting away with it.
This is what she told me:
- He threatened to kill her mother, my aunt. When my aunt went to their house for coffee the other day, he asked her to leave and then started throwing things. She's 72.
- He twisted my cousin's arm behind her back and she said that "it really hurt", which just made my heart clench for her.
- He made himself and the children dinner but wouldn't give her any. When the four-year-old girl asked why Mommy couldn't have any, he said "Because Mommy's a bitch." That's right, to a four year old.
- She's not allowed to have any of her pictures and photos on the walls. Both their degree certificates are on the walls, but get this: His cert must hang higher than hers.
- He blocks her car with his, so she can't escape.
- He blocks her way out of the room so she can't get past. He does this frequently.
- He pushes her out of the house. I'm not sure how long she has to stay outside.
- He says he has tons of evidence against her stashed under the floorboards. Paranoia or what? My cousin is a faithful, devoted, straightforward, genuine wife and mother who has done nothing but try her hardest to make this marriage work.
- Weirdly for a professional man with money, he has started to steal from stores.
And you know what the kicker is? After abusing her - these things all happened in the last week - he puts a message on Facebook on their anniversary thanking his fantastic wife for such a great life and a lovely ten years etc! I mean, WTF??? It's taking self-control not to just write on his timeline what he is and what he's been doing to his wife, so all his friends and his boss can see.
My blood pressure must have been through the roof today - I've been almost shaking with anger about what this man is doing to her. Her brothers and her mother are useless, and her dad is dead. I don't think anyone but me understands the danger she's in. I thought she was getting ready to leave him, but today she tells me they've had a chat and she feels much better, and they just need to communicate more. I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone!
I want to bust this thing wide open. In her state, the woman doesn't have to make a complaint herself - the police can prosecute and remove the man anyway. I want to call her local police. I want to call child services. I want to write to the monster's parents and tell them everything about their darling son. I want to send a copy of the police report to his boss.
But her older brother wants to take a softly-softly approach, but I don't know how much longer I can hold it all in. Abusers THRIVE on secrecy, they thrive on everyone tiptoeing around them so as not to upset them. I live a couple thousand miles away, so I could care less about the effect on me. But I do take the point that if any of us goes for him and he is still living with her, he could easily take it out on her.
I don't know where to put all this anger. I literally have fantasies about smashing his ugly pig-face into the middle of next week. Since I'm a woman with the strength of a gnat, this isn't going to happen. Doesn't stop me thinking it, though.
Has anyone else here taken the reins with regard to getting a vulnerable woman out of a situation like this? There are children in the house aged 4 and 8. Has anyone else saved a woman in this situation who seemed unable to save herself? i do know that there are a multitude of reasons why abused women stay and that it's nowhere near as simple to leave as people think, but where will this end if I don't take action? I've kept my mouth shut for ten years and I simply can't keep it shut any longer. As I told her brother, I am THIS close to having that xxxxxxx arrested.
This is what she told me:
- He threatened to kill her mother, my aunt. When my aunt went to their house for coffee the other day, he asked her to leave and then started throwing things. She's 72.
- He twisted my cousin's arm behind her back and she said that "it really hurt", which just made my heart clench for her.
- He made himself and the children dinner but wouldn't give her any. When the four-year-old girl asked why Mommy couldn't have any, he said "Because Mommy's a bitch." That's right, to a four year old.
- She's not allowed to have any of her pictures and photos on the walls. Both their degree certificates are on the walls, but get this: His cert must hang higher than hers.
- He blocks her car with his, so she can't escape.
- He blocks her way out of the room so she can't get past. He does this frequently.
- He pushes her out of the house. I'm not sure how long she has to stay outside.
- He says he has tons of evidence against her stashed under the floorboards. Paranoia or what? My cousin is a faithful, devoted, straightforward, genuine wife and mother who has done nothing but try her hardest to make this marriage work.
- Weirdly for a professional man with money, he has started to steal from stores.
And you know what the kicker is? After abusing her - these things all happened in the last week - he puts a message on Facebook on their anniversary thanking his fantastic wife for such a great life and a lovely ten years etc! I mean, WTF??? It's taking self-control not to just write on his timeline what he is and what he's been doing to his wife, so all his friends and his boss can see.
My blood pressure must have been through the roof today - I've been almost shaking with anger about what this man is doing to her. Her brothers and her mother are useless, and her dad is dead. I don't think anyone but me understands the danger she's in. I thought she was getting ready to leave him, but today she tells me they've had a chat and she feels much better, and they just need to communicate more. I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone!
I want to bust this thing wide open. In her state, the woman doesn't have to make a complaint herself - the police can prosecute and remove the man anyway. I want to call her local police. I want to call child services. I want to write to the monster's parents and tell them everything about their darling son. I want to send a copy of the police report to his boss.
But her older brother wants to take a softly-softly approach, but I don't know how much longer I can hold it all in. Abusers THRIVE on secrecy, they thrive on everyone tiptoeing around them so as not to upset them. I live a couple thousand miles away, so I could care less about the effect on me. But I do take the point that if any of us goes for him and he is still living with her, he could easily take it out on her.
I don't know where to put all this anger. I literally have fantasies about smashing his ugly pig-face into the middle of next week. Since I'm a woman with the strength of a gnat, this isn't going to happen. Doesn't stop me thinking it, though.
Has anyone else here taken the reins with regard to getting a vulnerable woman out of a situation like this? There are children in the house aged 4 and 8. Has anyone else saved a woman in this situation who seemed unable to save herself? i do know that there are a multitude of reasons why abused women stay and that it's nowhere near as simple to leave as people think, but where will this end if I don't take action? I've kept my mouth shut for ten years and I simply can't keep it shut any longer. As I told her brother, I am THIS close to having that xxxxxxx arrested.