proposing without the ring?

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

short version - I am hoping to be moving to America to be with my gf sometime around October 2005, and will have 90 days to get legally married. but I won''t be able to get the ring until after November 15th when my savings account matures. but I don''t want to be legally married without having proposed. I could possibly hold off until November, then arrange to get married in Jan, when I will have proposed, but I don''t really want to do that. I want to propose in the summer without the ring, and then again when we get home from Mass on Christmas eve night/Christmas morning (1am Dec 25th)

I also want to propose before I emigrate to the US because I want to ask her dad, but if I ask him when I am already in the US to get married, it will be a little disingenuous.

so...
should I hold off until December, when I have the ring? or should I propose without a ring or with ring-substitute in the summer, and then again, with the ring, in December?

additional question... if I propose in the summer without a ring, do I have to involve her in picking the ring? cos she would never let me spend even 1/10th of what I am thinking about

thanks guys

 

[Croí]

hi there DG

well, I think if your heart is set on a summer proposal, then go for it without the ring.

for me, personally (and everyone is different) the ring is a token, it''s someone asking me to marry them, be their partner for life, share all things, hopefully have children - THAT is the important thing. I could wait ''till forever for a ring if need be. It''s lovely and all but it''s a symbol. What it symbolizes is far more important than the ring itself. This is my humble opinion.

I also feel that having my wedding at home (which will cost us since the dollar is performing so poorly against the euro right now) and having a home of our own, are FAR FAR more important than having a ring. You might want to consider your sweetheart''s reasons for not wanting you to spend a fortune. She may be more invested in the same things that I am.
Right now I notice people''s diamonds, but probably only because I may be getting one myself soon. I also notice - even more - people''s homes (and hope to have one) and children (again hoping) and for me at least, both of those register high above the sparkly.

and two proposals ! who wouldn''t want that ??

my best friend here married in Vegas with no family, no nothing and then (when all the legal stuff got sorted) had a church wedding at home in Ireland three years later ! so she has TWO anniversaries to celebrate ! bonus !!

I think follow your heart and propose when the time feels right.

hope this helps somewhat
C

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

croi - I understand, I am the same way! I really want to have the ring when I propose - but I want to propose BEFORE I am in the US on marriage visa - to do otherwise seems to be putting the cart before the horse! lol

I could perhaps close my savings account early, forfeit the interest and order the ring to be delivered to her house whilst I am there... but that seems risky to me. if there is any delay, for any reason, it will bugger up all my plans. plus what do I say when the package arrives at the door? lol

 

[appletini]

DG: another option to consider if you don''t want to wait on the ring is to take out a loan/finance the ring, and then when your savings has matured you can pay it all off...this will allow you some flexibility.

 

[JCJD]

Here''s my $0.02! If you can stand it, wait to propose until November so you can have a little bit of "couple time" in the same country without adding in the craziness of quickly planning a wedding. I''m the child and the soon to be daughter-in-law of divorcees, so FI and I are both very very VERY careful about these sorts of things (took us 7 months for 1st kiss, 2 years for 1st "I love you", 7 years for engagement). However, if you really don''t want to wait to propose in Nov, propose without the ring in the summer and repropose in December. And no, if you propose without a ring, she doesn''t have to be involved in picking it out - I wasn''t, and I absolutely LOVE my ering!! From what you''ve posted, you have great taste in jewelry! But also think about what Croi mentioned - especially if you want children early in your marriage, it makes a lot of financial and parenting sense to hold off on the dream ering and invest in a house and/or nest egg for your family''s future, and upgrade to your ideal when you''ve got extra cash to spend on your sweetie. And remember, you''ll have to fly those babies across the pond to visit Grandma and Grandpa!!

I can tell you this right now though - whatever you choose to do, however you choose to propose to her, she will know that you adore her and love her with all your heart, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. And trust me, that''s all a girl really wants and needs from her future husband!!

JCJD

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

appletini / JC - thanks for the advice

appletine - I agree, I have considered the loan idea but I would still have to be in the US when it was delivered, and it would still all have to go to plan... it is risky, so I would like to avoid it if possible

Date: 12/28/2004 5:50

2 PM
Author: JCJD
Here''s my $0.02! If you can stand it, wait to propose until November so you can have a little bit of ''couple time'' in the same country without adding in the craziness of quickly planning a wedding.

it would be a legal wedding, nothing more, just for immigration purposes, we will be actually married in 2006. but I don''t want to be legally married, or even on a fiancee visa, before I actually propose... maybe I am being silly

it makes a lot of financial and parenting sense to hold off on the dream ering and invest in a house and/or nest egg for your family''s future, and upgrade to your ideal when you''ve got extra cash to spend on your sweetie.

I want the e-ring to be the one and I know my sweetheart will too. plus, I didn''t think engagement was about common sense, if it was about what made sense, we would all buy a CZ and spend the rest on more practical things. I am normally the most frugal of people, but when I do indulge, I don''t do things by half, I really go to town!

took us 7 months for 1st kiss, 2 years for 1st ''I love you'', 7 years for engagement

two years???

And no, if you propose without a ring, she doesn''t have to be involved in picking it out - I wasn''t, and I absolutely LOVE my ering!! From what you''ve posted, you have great taste in jewelry!

good! and thankyou!

you''ll have to fly those babies across the pond to visit Grandma and Grandpa!!

nanny and grandad can pay for their own flights to come see us!

I can tell you this right now though - whatever you choose to do, however you choose to propose to her, she will know that you adore her and love her with all your heart, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. And trust me, that''s all a girl really wants and needs from her future husband!!

I know, but I just want it to be perfect

I am thinking about maybe getting a smaller ring, maybe 1-carat instead... I don''t know

 

[Hest88]

If you want, get her a lovely silver ring or something else and tell her it''s her temporary ring. People have gotten engaged and married without expensive diamond rings for centuries, and if she''s the kind of woman you should be marrying she''s also the kind of woman who won''t care a whit if you give her a diamond, a silver ring, or "merely" the promise of a lifetime of love and devotion.

 

[Queenofhearts]

Diamond Geezer


My 2cents worth. I being a female waiting to start my life with my soul-mate would be extremely happy to have a proposal done without a ring. I personally would want to begin our lives together as soon as possible. A ring is a symbol and can always be acquired after the fact. But it is a personal choice and when all is said and done you will have to make that choice. Do what is comfortable for you and your partner. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

 

[i_like_tiffany_please_dont_hate_me]

Date: 12/28/2004 7:37:30 PM
Author: Hest88
If you want, get her a lovely silver ring or something else and tell her it''s her temporary ring. People have gotten engaged and married without expensive diamond rings for centuries, and if she''s the kind of woman you should be marrying she''s also the kind of woman who won''t care a whit if you give her a diamond, a silver ring, or ''merely'' the promise of a lifetime of love and devotion.

I know that she wouldn''t care, but that is not the point, I still want to get the ring that she will wear for the rest of her life. maybe I am a traditionalist, but I think that the engagement ring should come before the wedding.

I would rather propose with the ring and I could get the money together to be able to propose with the ring in July or August, but I would have to have it sent to her address in the states, on a date that I could be there. the problem being that a) if there was any delay it would ruin the whole thing b) she would wonder why I had a package sent to her address! if I could get over these two problems,this is what I would do... any ideas?

 

[snlee]

Making the commitment to spend the rest of your lives together is what counts...not the ring.

By the way, 1 carat is NOT small! Don''t go too broke buying an e-ring. I really don''t thing an ring should be financed. Buy what you can afford.

 

[sciencegeek]

Could you perhaps propose with a wedding band? It will be less expensive than a big diamond, and she''ll definitely wear it for life. I read somewhere on PS about a guy who did that because he wanted to surprise her with a proposal with a ring but wanted her to be able to contribute to the process of choosing the e-ring.

Another thought... if you give her a promise ring instead of e-ring or w-ring when you propose, she will probably wear that forever on her right hand as it will always have a special meaning, so I wouldn''t worry about proposing with a ring that isn''t "forever." There are a lot of less expensive jewelry tokens you might propose with rather than a big diamond... a locket with your picture in it, for example.

 

[Gale]

Hi DG,

If you really want to propose with the ring in the summer, make sure it is ready before you leave for the States. You could easily have the ring made up the month before, and ask them to hold it for until you are ready to have it shipped. if you communicate your needs directly to the vendor you choose, I am sure arrangements can be made for this service.

As for the package arriving on her doorstep, you may also have the package delivered to a fedex location where they have the hold-for-pickup service. This service is not available at every fedex counter though, but it is an option. You can find locations for this service on the fedex web site. Would it be possible to have the package shipped to a trusted friend or relative prior to your arrival?

When I have overseas guests, it is not unusual for them to have packages shipped to my home or office. I have a friend from Brazil who ships motorcycle parts to my address for her husband before she even leaves her country. Is there something you can think of that you might find in the States easier than you would in the EU, or for a better price? I would like to bet that the box does not have "XYZ Diamonds" stamped all over it - it would probably come in a plain cardboard shipping box. This could act as a diversionary tactic for the contents of the package, or you could even incorporate the arrival of the package into your proposal plan.

 

[IrishEyes]

This may sound like a cliche, but go with what you feel is right in your heart. Proposing without a ring, especially in a complicated situation such as yours, is fine because it''s the proposal itself that counts. I think it is wonderful that you are being so considerate and asking her father for her hand! That isn''t done too much anymore. My husband proposed to me without a ring - we were being deployed overseas with the military and decided to get engaged. Later when we were home we picked out rings. I didn''t care that he didn''t have a ring for me initially, it was his loving words that struck me. I''m sure you will be happy with any decision you make, and I hope you enjoy living in the good ol'' USA!