proposal rescinded

[Gale]

We were having a beautiful evening last night in the back yard. My boyfriend made a marvelous meal on the bar-b-que. The evening started early and was absolutely lovely. I had been expecting a proposal, and was not surprised when he asked. This morning he withdrew the proposal. I really feel quite hurt.

 

[jenwill]

G-

I can only say that my thoughts are with you, and that I hope things work out for you. I cannot even begin to guess what was going through his mind,

, but can only say that it sounds like you really need to have a nice - and calm - sit down talk with him to try to figure out what the heck is going on.

Perhaps he just had a moment of panic? But, still means you have some things that need to be worked out.

Please post back to let us know what happened, and know that soemone out there is sending positive vibes your way.

J

 

[Gale]

Thank you so very much for the kind words J. I cannot tall you how much they mean to me at this time. A long, calm chat is certainly in order. It seems that neither one of us really wants to bring the subject up.

 

[Jennifer5973]

My boyrfirend and I had decided to get engaged and move in together for grad school...we had browsed at rings, started apartment hunting, everything was in motion...2 days before my college graduation, he called me to say he wasn't sure about the whole thing... I was devastated--and my graduation was almost ruined.

I will tell you what my father told me and it was the best advice I have ever received: He told me that I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and as much as I was hurting then, I'd end up a lot more hurt later on if I forced the situation. He said that my boyfriend had to decide what he wanted and if he decided he didn't wanted to be with me, not only would it be his loss, but he'd be doing me the biggest favor in the world.

I followed his advice, had one calm, heart to heart talk with my boyfriend--I was ready and I wasn't sure what would become of us if he wasn't--it wasn't an ultimatim just the fact that it's hard to be on the brink of engagement and then turn back...I was being honest with him that I couldn't say one way or the other how I'd feel when it all shook out. I said I wanted to enjoy my graduation and I'd talk to him in a few days.

Well, he showed up at my graduation with roses and said he had a brief episode of cold feet and it was more growing up than getting engaged that scared him...He apologized profusely and now we've been married almost 8 years.

Whether this is how it turns out for you at this moment or not, you have to be true to yourself and let him make his decision--you want him 100% on his own. It was so hard for me to back off ten years ago, but it was the best move I could have made because when he came to me, he knew it was right for himself. Tell him how you feel, and let him decide what he thinks he wants, even if he needs time.

I wish you all the luck!

 

[Nicrez]

We all have those moments of insanity, and I would have to say that there is something in him that WANTS to marry you and have that happily ever after, so work on what makes you two happy together. Then perhaps evolve the conversation into things that DON'T make you guys so happy. I think every single relationship should address those issues before any finger has a ring on it!




it's a tough talk, so I wish you the best and all the stregth you can muster....What a sad thing to go through, but better to hear these issues NOW than much much later, when things are more complex... I think addressing this issue immediately is the best approach, or at least soon enough after you both have had some time to mull it over a bit....don't let anything fester, and when you do chat, be more understanding and listen more than you ever have. Most times I hear the guy has cold feet is because of mounting expectations on many sides, and all they really need is a sympathetic ear and someone to think things out with.




Wishing you both the best, either way it turns out...Always know that things ALWAYS happen for a reason, and things could have always been worse...but they DO get better...patience and understanding...Best to you!!!!

 

[Bethanying]

Wow- a similar thing happened to my best friend... Her bf of 5 years proposed, and they had most of the wedding planned when... BAM.... 2 months before the wedding, he broke it off.... Needless to say, they had much to talk about, and here, 2 years later, they're getting married this fall.... Things work out for a reason, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. I think the others posting are right... You definitely dont' want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You're way better than that, G! Prayers and good wishes are going your way- God does everything in His time.

Bethany

 

[Gale]

I'd like to thank you all for your kind and thoughtful words. After several calm conversations, it seems that things are not going to work out between the two of us. I shall begin looking for my own place this weekend.

 

[verticalhorizon]

That's terrible. So sorry. I wonder what would have made him proceed all the way to the proposal before realizing how he felt? That's a little cruel. You think you'd have a 'state of the union' type talk before you make a gesutre like that.

Like Jennifer said... it really is best that you know now than later. Good luck!

 

[Gale]

He says that he felt pressured to do so. I don't know why - I never once brought up the topic. Needless to say, I believed him to be sincere, especially since each and every one of our conversations about marriage was intiated by him.

 

[carrieq]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Perhaps it wasn't you specifically he felt pressured by, but rather by what he thought was "suppose to happen next". Men are always trying to figure out what girls want, often missing the bullseye by a long shot and perhaps that's what happened here. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to marry you one day, or doesn't want to be with you. In fact, he did what he did in fear of the thought that if he didn't propose you might leave him! Apparently, he must think you are a very understanding girlfriend and realized your relationship is more solid than that to do something he is not ready for when he "took the proposal back". I could be way off base, but that is how I feel given what I know about your situation. Only time will tell. Remember, IF it's meant to be..IT WILL. Give it time. Give it time.

 

[jenwill]

Gale-

I am so sorry to hear that things didn't work out, and please know that our thoughts are with you. Perhaps he was feeling pressures from outside- not so gentle nudges from friends and family to move your relationship forward. Also, my male friends seem to have this internal 'list' of things to do in life, and the order that they should be done in- school, job, house, marriage, kids, and certain ages when they should be done. Perhaps he was feeling his own internal pressures.

Whatever the case may be, your friends and family are (and PriceScope) are here for you. Good luck in your search for a new place, and i hope that things smooth out in your life.

Best,

Jen

 

[kevinng]

I'm so sorry. You must be going through hell right now.

I have a friend who was madly in love with her boyfriend. He proposed, and she accepted. However, after purchasing a flat together and all, he decided one fine day that he did not love her anymore. She's a really lovely girl and it was truly his loss. I guess he was young and the excitement wore off. From what I hear through the grapevine, he went on a couple of business trips to Korea and found the women there really captivating. He spent a couple of wild nights with a couple of them and decided that he was not really ready to settle down.

My friend was devastated, and became bitter for a year or so. She then had a couple of failed relationships, because she deliberately chose ill-fitting partners... don't know why.

Anyway, that was about 4 years ago. Recently, she met this wonderful guy, who is an American working in Singapore. He is really sincere, warm, and loves her a lot. Her parents were against the relationship initially because... well... he's sort of Caucasian? Well, anyway, that didn't stop him and he worked hard to win their trust. Even her grandma liked him.

Recently, he proposed to her in a most romantic setting by the lakeside, and she accepted immediately. Now, they are getting ready for the big day.

I really have no idea how these things work... but they usually work out well in the end. I hope you'll feel better soon. When your boyfriend is ready, he will come back to you. If not... then perhaps he's really not the one.. and your life partner and best friend is out there somewhere. Do take care... and hope you'll feel better soon.

 

[Gale]

Hi Everyone,

Everyone around me has been oh-so-very-supportive! So much has happend in the last two weeks. It's hard to believe that this is my soap-opera life. I have since moved into my own apartment. It's lonely there (for now), but there are a lot of positive things about being on my own again too. Thank goodness for the cat, the phone, friends and relatives, and the thoughtful and kind words of Pricescope members. Keeping busy really helps, but as we all know, it's those dark-lonelies that are tough to get through.

I don't really know what's next, other than spending some time trying to get over this hump, but it will happen and happy days are surely on the horizon. Sure, it's disappointing to learn the one you love doesn't love you back. At least it's before things got even more complicated with things like a marraige and the joint purchase of that really plush leather sofa I have been eying (LOL).

So, no more fighting over the remote for a while, and more free time to explore other options. It's got to all be good...

Thanks again,
Gale

 

[jenwill]

So glad to hear that you are moving forward with this difficult situation. I know that the process can't have been easy to this point, but as you noted there are some things that make it a little easier- friends and family help greatly.

Now that you are in a place of your own...make sure you throw yourself a 'woohoo, comes see my new place' party- a Saturday bbq with friends and family to show them that you are up for company and to be comfortable with the fact htat you are facing forward, not looking back.

The man of your dreams is out there, and and now you are available for him to show up in your life...
Best wishes for happiness in your future!

 

[Audrey Hepburn]

Gale,

Good for you!!!!! It takes an immense amount of strength to walk away from someone you loved. However, if the man is proposing one minute and backpeddling the next, then he is a confused little boy, and no need to cry over that which was probably not good for you in the first place. You need a MAN who knows who he is and what he wants, and knows that what he wants is YOU - no ifs, ands or "yeah, about last night...."s. I hope you soon move past the sad stage (which is a necessary, however depressing stage) and into the angry stage (which is also necessary, but you become much wittier!) I'm sure that if you have been strong enough to walk away from something that was bad, move out on your own and start anew, there is a spark within you that others will take notice of, and love you for - just as you deserve.

So cry, laugh, talk to your friends, eat, exercise, start a new hobby (bellydancing is a great one!) and watch hours of "sex in the city" episodes on video when you just don't want to deal with anything (honestly, my life is nothing like that show but you will identify nonetheless). And when you eventually feel up for it, throw on you favorite shoes, pants, dress, parka, snowshoes (I see you're from Canada) or WHATEVER, and go strut your stuff.

And tell us all about it when you do.

-AH

You may even think about saving up for a fantastic piece of jewelery for yourself - who says we need men to buy us diamonds?

 

[verticalhorizon]

Good for you Gale. Now that you got your own place... GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Go find some good new hobbies that involve other people of similar interest. Not with the intention of dating right away, but it's nice to meet new people and learn new things. New hobbies or volunteering! Get back out there!

 

[Gale]

You guys are all just right there with me! Everything was moved out of the house early last week. I took last Monday off of work to get the stuff out, figuring it to be easier than doing it on the weekend with Dave hanging about. Also, that meant I got out of the house faster and did not have to spend too much time bunking at my cousins's place.

I took a volunteer position in the local hospital's dialysis clinic 2 evenings a week for the rest of the summer - down to 1 in the fall. Signed up for private music lessons once a week, starting in September, and will teach a programming class at a local community college one evening a week. Between all that and the gym and other stuff, I ought to keep out trouble and busy doing interesting stuff. And I should be able to expand my circle of friends in that way.

On Saturday, my girlfriend are all coming over to the new place (which I absolutely love - there are two balconies, one on each side of the apartment and they are about 6 metres long) for movies, gossip and plenty of food. That should be fun. The apartment is also within walking distance of the hospital, work, the local market and inter-city transit. What a deal - no real need for a car.

Friends and family have been so supportive that there has not been much time to myself. Just as well, really. I know I need to be sad for a while, and all that takes time. But, it's really great to be distracted and busy.

So, life is moving on and things are looking up.

 

[jenwill]

YOU GO GIRL!

 

[quaeritur]

Just found this thread, and I'm amazed at how well you have handled this really tough curve ball life threw your way! Well done!!!

I don't know what your life with Dave was like, but it sounds like your life right now is full of excitement, new experiences, and great plans. Seems to me you're better off already, and this is what, only a couple of weeks later?! Wow. Someone who can move on and look at the bright side like you have is sure to find nothing but better options in the future

. I'm just so sad for Dave, sounds like such a loss for him

.

 

[Gale]

Hi Q,

It's not like there's really a choice. Being with someone that doesn't want you is not the easiest thing. Then again, all of these changes are not the easiest thing either. The only real option is to get on with it and keep true to yourself, otherwise all is lost. I can't imagine how beaten my sprit would have been if I had not taken action. After a few days of very difficult discussion, he spelt it all out for me. The proposal was offered because he felt it was something I wanted. Sure I did, when I thought he really loved me, and I thought he wanted to marry as well. After months of him telling my friends that we would be married by Christmas, and months of things like talking about who to invite to the wedding, I believed he really loved me. The funny thing is, I never once brought the topic up. Ever. He even had a ring for me - his mother's stone reset. Other ugly things came up in conversation, and it was clear he really did not know what he wants for his life. Given all this, it is best to leave him to decide how he wants to live his life. I know how I want to live mine, and it does not include being with someone who has made it clear that I was a mere convenience. I believe some of that comes from the heat of the moment, but I believe as well, that a large part of what he said to me he really feels. I have lived through a loveless marraige before - that of my parents. There were times we children begged our beloved Mom to leave our father. I know she would have wanted better that that for me. After this hurt has gone away, I will try again because giving up on dreams of a happy and love filled life is not an option.

 

[fire&ice]

I've been reading this thread. Recognizing your reality Gale shows great maturity & substance. While dealing with it may not be easy, you deserve someone who will see you as the fine person you seem to be.

You also show great respect for yourself for not wanting to settle w/ someone who doesn't love you in the way one should be loved.

Godspeed & Good luck. You will find a life partner; but, in the meantime, enjoy being with yourself.

 

[Gale]

Well, Fire & Ice, I certainly don't qualify for the maturity prize this afternoon. I have plundered the wine cabinet and am most thoughly sloshed and, predictably, am feeling sorry for myself. This is a temporary situation. Having said that, I love this propoal thread. It is so uplifting to read these stories of anticipation and joy, feeling the excitement that the guys (in general guys) have prior to proposal. It's sweet, sentimental and extremely lovely to read how much thought these very loving men put into making a special moment even more so.

 

[alexah]

I just found this thread & my heart goes out to you Gale - it sounds like you're handling the situation in a healthy manner and for that i applaud you!

My mom was engaged once upon a time to a man that broke it off a few wks before the wedding... she was devistated at the time..... but a few yrs later she met my dad & they're celebrating their 40th Anniversary next month. I'm helping my dad buy her an upgraded E-ring to show her he'd marry her all over again...

It will all work out better in the long run.... just get thru the short run w the help of those that care about you & keep doing the healthy things you're doing & all will be well soon.....