Private vows?

[anchor31]

With less than 10½ months to go, I think I put the finger on why I still catch myself thinking that I wish to God we would elope, even though we are planning a gorgeous and simple dream wedding...

The Vows.

There are some aspects of my life for which I am very private. The last thing I wanted was a public proposal because I felt that it was a moment that should be between just the two of us. When it happened, it was such a magical, intimate moment, and he said things to me and we made vows to each other that nobody else will ever know about. It makes it very special to me, it''s like a sacred secret promise that we have. I don''t know if I''m making any sense here, I''m having a hard time explaining how I feel about this...

My point is, I feel the same way about our wedding vows. Why in the world would I want Aunt Wilhelmina and Uncle Herbert to hear my most sacred vows? I don''t!

I feel that it''s something that should stay between me, my husband and God, just like the vows we made when he proposed. Standing there in front of nearly 100 people with a microphone?! Talk about unspontaneous and unromantic...

My FI''s mother (

) likes to say that having our families there will make our marriage stronger and stuff, but I mostly feel like it''s not of anyone''s business but ours. Ya know?

FI and I talked about having a private (and probably secret, as our families would totally freak) ceremony before the official wedding, and just say the standard ''Oui je le veux'' (I do) then. But we don''t know if our priest will agree to it, so... What I want to ask you, wonderful ladies of PS, is do we have other options if that doesn''t work out? Is there a way for us to have a meaningful ceremony with beautiful, intimate vows without having everyone hear them?

I know it sounds horrible, but I finally understand why I originally didn''t want any guests at my wedding: I feel like my guests are actually intruders in a very private and intimate moment, and I want to find a way to solve this problem without calling off the wedding to elope, and breaking everyone''s heart in the process. Not that my FI would agree to an elopement anyway. *sigh*

So... Ideas?

 

[jas]

I actually may be able to help here....

DH and I exchanged the traditional vows ("repeat after me...") and then the officiant explained to our guests that he and I wanted to exchange private vows. (These were ones we wrote)...we took a moment and said them to each other privately ... I think we actually whispered them in each other''s ear or said them in a low voice.

I did ask someone later if they found that annoying (she is a brutally honest person) -- she said she actually kinda liked it -- it was like they were able to view a private moment and yet it was still private (if that makes sense) --

Of course, DH had to end his vows with a private joke the two of us share, so I burst out laughing, which made everyone laugh and smile...

So yes, it''s been done before...

I LOVED it. Please talk with your officiant and see what your options are

 

[musey]

Date: 9/18/2007 5:14:10 PM
Author: jas

DH and I exchanged the traditional vows (''repeat after me...'') and then the officiant explained to our guests that he and I wanted to exchange private vows. (These were ones we wrote)...we took a moment and said them to each other privately ... I think we actually whispered them in each other''s ear or said them in a low voice.

Ohhh I LOVE this! I''ve been stressing a bit about this, too. Sounds like a perfect solution.

 

[robbie3982]

We didn''t want to say our own vows in front of others either. We did the traditional repeat after me ones for the ceremony. Originally we had planned to write down our private ones to give to eachother either just before or just after the ceremony, but we were so stressed out towards the end of the planning that we never wrote them.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/18/2007 5:14:10 PM
Author: jas
I actually may be able to help here....

DH and I exchanged the traditional vows (''repeat after me...'') and then the officiant explained to our guests that he and I wanted to exchange private vows. (These were ones we wrote)...we took a moment and said them to each other privately ... I think we actually whispered them in each other''s ear or said them in a low voice.

I did ask someone later if they found that annoying (she is a brutally honest person) -- she said she actually kinda liked it -- it was like they were able to view a private moment and yet it was still private (if that makes sense) --

Of course, DH had to end his vows with a private joke the two of us share, so I burst out laughing, which made everyone laugh and smile...

So yes, it''s been done before...

I LOVED it. Please talk with your officiant and see what your options are

That''s wonderful! Thank you for sharing. I''m still hoping for the private "pre-ceremony", but if it doesn''t work out I''d love to do that! Thank you so much.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/18/2007 5:36:37 PM
Author: musey

Date: 9/18/2007 5:14:10 PM
Author: jas

DH and I exchanged the traditional vows (''repeat after me...'') and then the officiant explained to our guests that he and I wanted to exchange private vows. (These were ones we wrote)...we took a moment and said them to each other privately ... I think we actually whispered them in each other''s ear or said them in a low voice.

Ohhh I LOVE this! I''ve been stressing a bit about this, too. Sounds like a perfect solution.

You have?! Oh, thank goodness I''m not the only one!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/18/2007 5:44:13 PM
Author: robbie3982
We didn''t want to say our own vows in front of others either. We did the traditional repeat after me ones for the ceremony. Originally we had planned to write down our private ones to give to eachother either just before or just after the ceremony, but we were so stressed out towards the end of the planning that we never wrote them.

I''m sorry you didn''t get to write them... But I''m glad to hear I''m not alone.

 

[Miscka]

Anchor, I feel the same way. I think that whenever we get married (still a LIW), we will have a TINY ceremony in a small church I love, and then have a bigger reception after. I went to a wedding like this, only immediate family at the ceremony, everyone else at the party, and I really liked it. Hope you find something you are comfortable with!

 

[zoebartlett]

You''re definitely not alone! My FI and I are quiet people, and neither one of us feel particularly comfortable in large crowds. What started out to be a small wedding with about 60 people has so far turned into a wedding that could be double in size. I feel awkward saying private things to my FI in front everyone, so I may also write down my own vows and give them to my FI in the morning (have them delivered if it''s not done in person) before the ceremony. I''d love to do this in person, it just depends on how much time we have (our ceremony''s at 11:00). I love the idea of doing something private ahead of time!

My mom has been joking around with everyone, saying that I am going to wear a burka (sp?) so people won''t see me. Yeah, THAT hasn''t gotten old.

 

[jas]

Whoo Hoo! Finally! My wedding was good for something. You know. In addition to the whole getting a spouse thing.

 

[surfgirl]

anchor, I can totally relate as this was one of the reasons we eloped. One thing I thought about if we''d had people at our wedding - keeping in mind that we would have still been married outdoors - was to have people assembled, then have the officiant lead us - the wedding couple - into the woods for a private ceremony, then come out married....and people could then celebrate us being married. Into the woods single, out of the woods, married. I dont know if it''s a stupid idea or not but I would have seriously considered that option if we''d had guests. I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you and Mr. Anchor...

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/18/2007 6:47:58 PM
Author: Miscka
Anchor, I feel the same way. I think that whenever we get married (still a LIW), we will have a TINY ceremony in a small church I love, and then have a bigger reception after. I went to a wedding like this, only immediate family at the ceremony, everyone else at the party, and I really liked it. Hope you find something you are comfortable with!

That''s another idea, I suppose! Thanks, I really want to have as many options as I can.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/18/2007 7:00:31 PM
Author: zoebartlett
You''re definitely not alone! My FI and I are quiet people, and neither one of us feel particularly comfortable in large crowds. What started out to be a small wedding with about 60 people has so far turned into a wedding that could be double in size. I feel awkward saying private things to my FI in front everyone, so I may also write down my own vows and give them to my FI in the morning (have them delivered if it''s not done in person) before the ceremony. I''d love to do this in person, it just depends on how much time we have (our ceremony''s at 11:00). I love the idea of doing something private ahead of time!

My mom has been joking around with everyone, saying that I am going to wear a burka (sp?) so people won''t see me. Yeah, THAT hasn''t gotten old.

Our ceremony is at 11:00 too, so we won''t have time for something before on the same day, but I''d love to have something maybe on the day before? We''ll see what works out, I guess.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/18/2007 7:12:53 PM
Author: jas
Whoo Hoo! Finally! My wedding was good for something. You know. In addition to the whole getting a spouse thing.

Haha! Your advice is always appreciated.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/18/2007 8:27:10 PM
Author: surfgirl
anchor, I can totally relate as this was one of the reasons we eloped. One thing I thought about if we''d had people at our wedding - keeping in mind that we would have still been married outdoors - was to have people assembled, then have the officiant lead us - the wedding couple - into the woods for a private ceremony, then come out married....and people could then celebrate us being married. Into the woods single, out of the woods, married. I dont know if it''s a stupid idea or not but I would have seriously considered that option if we''d had guests. I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you and Mr. Anchor...

I really wanted to marry outdoors, but we''re having a catholic ceremony so it isn''t possible, unfortunately. Miscka suggested having a ceremony with imediate families only then the reception with everyone, so maybe we could do that if the private pre-ceremony thing doesn''t work. Heh, and Mr. Anchor sounds kinda nice

 

[Stephanie]

I have been thinking about this lately too. I am not a very public person. In fact I am still kinda weirded out when people want to ask about my ring and the proposal. Isn''t that crazy? I was thinking that since we are having pictures before the ceremony, I would give FI hand written vows, just so he has a special, private memoir from the day.

 

[Efe]

I felt exactly the way you do. We had a private (a few close friends and family) wedding and then a reception where we invited everyone else. This was a compromise we came up with because I feel that a wedding is such a personal thing and my husband feels that it should be more of a public celebration with all of your friends and family. We had the wedding and the reception at the same place so we had time for pictures in between. We just had two sets of invitations made and it really worked for us. I don''t think our reception guests really cared one way or the other. It still felt like a wedding to them because we were still in our wedding attire and it was just like a wedding just without the actual ceremony.