nytemist
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2005
- Messages
- 962
I feel like DH has pulled a bait and switch on me. Ok, background first. This may be long.
Long ago, when DH and I were in the first couple of years of dating, we had the talks about what we would like to do in life, where we would like to travel to and all that. I never been shy about the fact that since I grew up in Boston, ever since my late teens/early 20s I''ve always wanted to leave. Not that Mass isn''t pretty, but I feel like I have outgrown it. Plus I love going new places and there is so much I want to see (though I hate flying to get there). He too talked about how he would like to do more traveling when we can afford it. This brought about the topic of moving someday. He knew my first love and fantasy to move to is New York. If, depending on working and money saved, we can''t move there, Montreal would be a good, affordable choice. He agreed. Said he could see himself living in NYC. Not as sure about Montreal because of the bilingual situation.
Fast forward to a few months ago. He tells me that he had been thinking about the moving topic and doesn''t think he wants to move to Montreal. Said the idea of moving to another country and having to learn a new language was too much for him and scared him too much. He also said the idea of changes do this to him. I said everyone is scared when making a huge decision, some a lot more than others. The idea scares me, but the excitement of being in a new place outweighs it for me. It hurt to hear it, but I was glad he opened up about it and said well, maybe there are other places to consider.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone. She had just gotten back from a few days in NYC. We were chatting about the goings on there, since I haven''t been to NYC since June (that''s a long time for me, major withdrawal) She told me she heard about some new townhouses/condos that the city wants to make more affordable by late 2008-early 2009. I said great, thanks for the info. I then tell this to DH and he gives me a blank stare and says ''ok.''. Few minutes later he says- ''I don''t know about moving anymore. This place isn''t bad, it''s decent. Maybe we should stay here a few more years.The cats are happy.'' I coudn''t speak at first. I asked so all the times you said to me you were fine with going someplace else by next year, you were lying to me? He said no, just realizes he''s fine where he is. I aske so where does that leave me? He didn''t answer.
Yes, we''ve had our issues in the past, especially about cleaning (it shows, anything not my little corners of the condo are a mess) I given up that battle. This is not something I saw coming at all, he has said on more than one occasion that he wants to move to NYC. Now it seems that all those dreams are supposed to just die. I mean, I feel duped. I was good and didn''t yell but I asked him if you really didn''t want to make any changes in your life, make room for me in it or were serious about moving, why marry someone like me who has goals and dreams for their future? We talked about that life we wanted long before we got married, taking on new adventures when we could and you seemed happy about it. Now you want to make this big change after the fact? I was so angry I asked to please not talk to me the rest of the evening. I''m here at work feeling like I want to throw things. I feel lied to. I understand that marriage takes work, communication. We have been talking. Things were actually better, we laughed more and the tension was gone. Then I get hit over the head with this? It must be me, thinking he should have respected me enough to discuss his changing feelings first rather than just ''hey I''m not moving'' and that''s that? Help me understand. I''m back to suare one trying to figure out what to do now. All of you have great advice, help me get what''s going on.
Long ago, when DH and I were in the first couple of years of dating, we had the talks about what we would like to do in life, where we would like to travel to and all that. I never been shy about the fact that since I grew up in Boston, ever since my late teens/early 20s I''ve always wanted to leave. Not that Mass isn''t pretty, but I feel like I have outgrown it. Plus I love going new places and there is so much I want to see (though I hate flying to get there). He too talked about how he would like to do more traveling when we can afford it. This brought about the topic of moving someday. He knew my first love and fantasy to move to is New York. If, depending on working and money saved, we can''t move there, Montreal would be a good, affordable choice. He agreed. Said he could see himself living in NYC. Not as sure about Montreal because of the bilingual situation.
Fast forward to a few months ago. He tells me that he had been thinking about the moving topic and doesn''t think he wants to move to Montreal. Said the idea of moving to another country and having to learn a new language was too much for him and scared him too much. He also said the idea of changes do this to him. I said everyone is scared when making a huge decision, some a lot more than others. The idea scares me, but the excitement of being in a new place outweighs it for me. It hurt to hear it, but I was glad he opened up about it and said well, maybe there are other places to consider.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone. She had just gotten back from a few days in NYC. We were chatting about the goings on there, since I haven''t been to NYC since June (that''s a long time for me, major withdrawal) She told me she heard about some new townhouses/condos that the city wants to make more affordable by late 2008-early 2009. I said great, thanks for the info. I then tell this to DH and he gives me a blank stare and says ''ok.''. Few minutes later he says- ''I don''t know about moving anymore. This place isn''t bad, it''s decent. Maybe we should stay here a few more years.The cats are happy.'' I coudn''t speak at first. I asked so all the times you said to me you were fine with going someplace else by next year, you were lying to me? He said no, just realizes he''s fine where he is. I aske so where does that leave me? He didn''t answer.
Yes, we''ve had our issues in the past, especially about cleaning (it shows, anything not my little corners of the condo are a mess) I given up that battle. This is not something I saw coming at all, he has said on more than one occasion that he wants to move to NYC. Now it seems that all those dreams are supposed to just die. I mean, I feel duped. I was good and didn''t yell but I asked him if you really didn''t want to make any changes in your life, make room for me in it or were serious about moving, why marry someone like me who has goals and dreams for their future? We talked about that life we wanted long before we got married, taking on new adventures when we could and you seemed happy about it. Now you want to make this big change after the fact? I was so angry I asked to please not talk to me the rest of the evening. I''m here at work feeling like I want to throw things. I feel lied to. I understand that marriage takes work, communication. We have been talking. Things were actually better, we laughed more and the tension was gone. Then I get hit over the head with this? It must be me, thinking he should have respected me enough to discuss his changing feelings first rather than just ''hey I''m not moving'' and that''s that? Help me understand. I''m back to suare one trying to figure out what to do now. All of you have great advice, help me get what''s going on.