Pre-Marital Counseling Problems...

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Here''s the issue:

FI''s uncle is our officiant. He insists upon doing pre-marital counseling with each couple he marries, which is great... except that he is our relative. UncleOfficiant and FI don''t seem to see anything wrong with this, and I (subtly?) brought it up to FI, but I''ve got some (legitimate?) concerns.

Though I love UncleOfficiant very much, I''m not keen on opening up about the deep, dark corners of our relationship to him. In some ways, it''d be TONS easier to open up to a stranger.

Concern #1- Sex/intimacy talk. Um. Hello. AWKWARD.

Concern #2- The biggest rift that formed in our relationship centered around...ummm... illegal "recreational activies" that turned into a full-out-dependency. It is no longer a problem, but FI & i will NEVER see eye-to-eye on the issue. UncleOfficiant, however, is an aging hippie who never saw the mentally-dependent side of FI & has no clue about how it strained our relationship. I don''t feel comfortable discussing this in front of him & feel like he''ll judge me and think I''m close-minded blahblahblah. Anywho- I KNOW he''ll want us to discuss what "problems" we''ve faced in the past, and the drug thing is really the ONLY issue we''ve had (besides who does the laundry, etc) I personally don''t disapprove of things in moderation, but mental & physical addictions are never healthy, no matter what they are to. I''d feel uber uncomfortable discussing this in front of him and feel like I would have to justify myself saying, "Oh no! I''m not a little controlling, up-tight ninny!"

Any suggestions on how to weasel my way out of this counseling? I don''t want to offend him by saying we''re seeking out counseling elsewhere, but I''m not sure there are other options? And then... Neither FI nor I are religious AT ALL & most pre-marital counseling seems to come from the church... Any ideas on where to seek out a god-free counselor? (Sorry- I''m not saying that to offend anyone..)

 

[tropiqalkiwi]

Have you tried asking the Uncle to recommend someone for you and your FI to talk to? I would be upfront with the Uncle and tell him that while you are honored to have him officiate you feel seeing a third party counselor would be best for you two. If he is interested in the two of you actually working out your problems I''m sure he would respect this and let you talk to someone he is connected to and who could update him (without giving details) on your progress.

Of course I do not know your full situation, but this might be worth a shot to try if you haven''t already.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Hi PilsnPinkysMom,

I don''t think it would be in the least offensive to suggest to UncleOfficiant that you seek counseling elsewhere. If he requires pre-marital counseling it should be fine for you to do it with someone else. I think it makes sense that the counseling may not be productive with a relative involved. He should understand that, I''d hope. I know relatives can be difficult, but have you suggested it to him? He might be find with it. I think your concerns are legitimate.

As for pre-marital counseling, I think there are plenty of options for non-religious marital counseling. You might want to try a therapist who specializes in marriage issues. I''m not sure if your insurance would cover that, but you could find out. There also might be some community resources for this sort of thing. Perhaps UncleOfficiant could suggest someone to you.

 

[mayachel]

I whole heartedly feel you on this. Loving a family member to officiate, not so keen on going into relationship details...Asking if he could recommend you out to someone else is a great idea, plus as someone here reminded me when I was asking about premarital counseling awhile back, if either of you have health insurance, you may both be covered for joint counseling, whether it is full coverage or reimbursement.

 

[palomablancabride]

We did some counseling before we were even engaged with a secular counselor and then had our required counseling with our pastor before the wedding. There are pleny of counselors out there who do pre-marital counseling. If uncle insists maybe you can limit your discussions to less awkward topics? Our pastor never even asked us about or mentioned sex/intimacy.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Thanks for the suggestions, ladies... all of which are REALLY helpful.

I never even thought about asking UncleO to refer us to someone-- and I''m CERTAIN he knows of other mental health professionals in the area. This sounds like a very, very feasible resolution to me!

FI has pretty good insurance, and while I''m not on this plan just yet, I''m sure pre/marital counseling would be covered or at least the co-pay would be reasonable.

Thanks again

This is why I love PS!

 

[Elmorton]

Agreed - counseling is inappropriate with a family member, and you should feel as though your counselor respects your values and boundaries (re: the dependency issue).

If the counseling is simply a mini-lecture of what a marriage should be, though, then I think you could probably get by meeting with the uncle. DH and I had a required session with my priest whom I''ve known since I was a baby, and it was really formatted more like a lecture. There was very little disclosure on our part. That said, additional counseling is always a good idea, IMO. The conversations I had with my own therapist prior to the wedding were much more in-depth and personal and have probably shaped DH''s and my relationship more than anything else.

 

[calidaisy]

we had pre-marital counseling (Christian one

) and based on my (our) experience, i don''t think you need to worry about going to UncleOfficiant or finding a church-based one.

i don''t remember talking about sex/ intimacy issues or having to really "open" up in any way or form.

unlike meeting a psychiatrist or counselor, "pre-marital" counseling is preventative in nature (since you''re not married yet, you don''t have concrete issues at hand) ... and for us, it helped us to better understand each other''s "love language," the pastor briefly lectured about potential (generic) conflict areas such as money or in-laws, and our homework was verbally expressing our admiration/ appreciation to one another.

also, if any topic makes you feel uncomfortable, i''m sure you can always say that you don''t feel comfortable or you need some time to think about it.

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 1/19/2009 7:56:39 PM
Author: calidaisy
we had pre-marital counseling (Christian one

) and based on my (our) experience, i don''t think you need to worry about going to UncleOfficiant or finding a church-based one.


i don''t remember talking about sex/ intimacy issues or having to really ''open'' up in any way or form.


unlike meeting a psychiatrist or counselor, ''pre-marital'' counseling is preventative in nature (since you''re not married yet, you don''t have concrete issues at hand) ... and for us, it helped us to better understand each other''s ''love language,'' the pastor briefly lectured about potential (generic) conflict areas such as money or in-laws, and our homework was verbally expressing our admiration/ appreciation to one another.

also, if any topic makes you feel uncomfortable, i''m sure you can always say that you don''t feel comfortable or you need some time to think about it.

Ditto! We did pre-cana (Catholic pre-marriage counseling) as well as meetings with my pastor (we had a joint Presbyterian-Catholic ceremony)

It was more lecture based, and preventative as Calidaisy said. Things like, "have you discussed how you will raise children, finances, who will mow the lawn, importance of communication, etc." of course since it was religion based a lot of it was where does God fit into our lives. We didn''t need to bring up anything personal, and any "exercises" we did were just between the two of us.

You may not have anything to worry about doing it with the uncle, however if you think his counseling would be religion-based and you are not into that, I''d say its fair to ask for a recommendation to a more neutral counselor.