Pre-marital counseling/ marriage prep book

[laine]

FI and I probably are not going to do premarital counseling with a third party. We''re 28 and 30 years old and have been together 5 years; we''ve discussed finances, family, etc. and we''re pretty good at conflict resolution, so I think a lot of the standard programs wouldn''t offer us much (at least not for the cost). We also aren''t really interested in any religious based counseling, and we''re out of town from our officiant, so that won''t work.

However, I would still like us to do some sort of prep, so I was thinking of getting some sort of book that we could go through together, to make sure we have all of the important conversations. I know I''ve seen some books recommended on here, so I was hoping you all have suggestions. What marriage prep books did you find useful? Thanks!

 

[laine]

I should add that we did the 5 love languages test online, and we matched up pretty well.

I thought these two looked interesting, any thoughts?
Seven principles for making marriage work
1001 questions to ask before you get married

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I don''t know if you''re religious/spiritual at all, but I enjoyed Inviting God to Your Wedding . I found it on PS..think Mimzy recommended it? You can pick and choose what sections are most useful for you. I think there was one about how to deal with difficult people around your wedding something to that effect..that one was VERY helpful for me, haha.

Anyway, I''d recommend it.

 

[laine]

Thanks Sarah--I added it to my list! The description of that one looks good (I like the comment about the author not liking how weddings have become a "staged performance"). I think we''re going to head to a bookstore in the next week or so to check out everything that has been recommended.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/28/2010 10:40:02 PM
Author: laine
I should add that we did the 5 love languages test online, and we matched up pretty well.

I thought these two looked interesting, any thoughts?
Seven principles for making marriage work
1001 questions to ask before you get married

Five love languages is a great book if you both read it. It was short, I read it in a day. I have the other two books you mentioned as well. 1,001 Q''s gets really long after a while... a lot of the Q''s are basic ones that you''ve probably discussed over time if your relationship has been 5+ years, but it is nice for areas that your don''t prefer to talk about. It feels more like you are asking objective Q''s rather than interrogating or judging or asking pointed questions... don''t really know how to explain that better except to say that they feel less personally intrusive since you know it is an exercise. Gottman''s book, 7 Principles, is good, but it''s more of a reading/workbook exercise format, so be prepared to have some light HW and directed activities. It''s insightful though!

There are a lot of home counseling kits as well... I''ll look around the internets and see if I can find some of the ones that I''ve seen...

 

[laine]

Date: 3/1/2010 11:49:12 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/28/2010 10:40:02 PM

Author: laine

I should add that we did the 5 love languages test online, and we matched up pretty well.


I thought these two looked interesting, any thoughts?

Seven principles for making marriage work

1001 questions to ask before you get married

Five love languages is a great book if you both read it. It was short, I read it in a day. I have the other two books you mentioned as well. 1,001 Q''s gets really long after a while... a lot of the Q''s are basic ones that you''ve probably discussed over time if your relationship has been 5+ years, but it is nice for areas that your don''t prefer to talk about. It feels more like you are asking objective Q''s rather than interrogating or judging or asking pointed questions... don''t really know how to explain that better except to say that they feel less personally intrusive since you know it is an exercise. Gottman''s book, 7 Principles, is good, but it''s more of a reading/workbook exercise format, so be prepared to have some light HW and directed activities. It''s insightful though!


There are a lot of home counseling kits as well... I''ll look around the internets and see if I can find some of the ones that I''ve seen...

Thanks Trill! I worried that might be the case with the 1001 question book--lots of things we''ve already covered. I think I''ll try to find it at the library, or maybe spend some time at the bookstore flipping through for questions we haven''t addressed. I''m guessing it might not really be worth buying if we already know most of the answers.

Definitely let me know if you have any other recommendations! We''re open to checking out anything!

 

[lucky_charms_guy]

Date: 3/1/2010 2:14:18 PM
Author: laine


Thanks Trill! I worried that might be the case with the 1001 question book--lots of things we''ve already covered. I think I''ll try to find it at the library, or maybe spend some time at the bookstore flipping through for questions we haven''t addressed. I''m guessing it might not really be worth buying if we already know most of the answers.

Definitely let me know if you have any other recommendations! We''re open to checking out anything!

I bought this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Intellectual-Foreplay-Questions-Lovers-Be/dp/0897932773

I used it when I started dating the girl I plan on proposing to. There were some very good questions in there as well, separated by topics. However, I would imagine that having already discussed many of those questions in a 5 year span might be an issue for you. Best of luck!

 

[Haven]

______________________________

Date: 2/28/2010 10:40:02 PM
Author: laine
I thought these two looked interesting, any thoughts?
Seven principles for making marriage work
______________________________

I love this book. Dr. Gottman has done some really interesting research to back up the claims he makes in the book. I highly recommend it.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 2/28/2010 10:40:02 PM
Author: laine
I should add that we did the 5 love languages test online, and we matched up pretty well.

I thought these two looked interesting, any thoughts?
Seven principles for making marriage work
1001 questions to ask before you get married

Seven Priciples is a very good book. We have some of John Gottman''s other books as well. Take a look at The Gottman Institute for more of his books, DVD, and other great things. (I like his "Love Map" cards and his "Salsa Deck")


The relationship Cure was interesting and great info for other relationships in your life too. (parent/child, employee/employer, etc.)

 

[laine]

Thanks for the feedback!

Lucky--that sounds like a really good book, but I think you''re right that it would be more useful earlier in a relationship.

Haven and TooPatient--I''m glad to hear you like the Seven Principles book. I''m a researcher myself, so I really like that Dr Gottman has research to support his claims. This book is moving to the top of my list!

 

[mrscushion]

I am not married yet, but before getting engaged, we had a couple outstanding questions to discuss, and we used "The Ten Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married" by Dr. Guy Grenier and found it quite useful. Basically, it''s 10 conversations grouped around different topics, such as money, children, elderly family, location, etc., and you don''t have to do all of them, just the ones where you may need further clarity.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

We used the Mystery of Marriage which we loved, but it definitely has a Christian bent.

My BFF used Hard Questions, and DH and I went through that earlier in our relationship--I wouldn''t pay more than $5 for it, borrow it or get from the library as you may want to skip chunks of it.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m a psychologist and use Gottman''s materials and books heavily when working with couples - they are high quality and easy to read.

 

[beadchick]

I would like to add another one: How to Improve your Marriage without talking about it. Verrry insightful. We aren''t married yet, but living together. It''s helped calm me down about things I thought were weird, and then he calmed down, and I calmed down more...well, you get the idea. I work in mental health and can vouch for the other books, too, one of the classes in our program had to read the "7 principles" book as a text for one of their classes.