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Pre-marital conseling...ned suggestions!!!

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Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
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Mar 11, 2009
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My boyfriend and I will be engaged shortly and we''re interested in pre-marital counseling. Ideally non-religious counseling. Any suggestions near Richmond? Or any tips in general?
 

mrscushion

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
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3,309
Hi treasure, I always recommend a book that's been really useful for FI and me in working through a few outstanding issues that needed to be resolved before we felt ready to be engaged. It is called "The 10 Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married" by Guy Grenier. It is non-religious and covers topics such as location, money, family, children, etc. FI and I skipped the 8 topics we felt comfortable with and engaged with the 2 that still needed some discussion. I found it useful.

I know you were looking for counselors and I do not have a recommendation for you for that, but I thought I'd chime in anyway.
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
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Mar 11, 2009
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655
Thanks for the suggestion! I had toyed with the idea of a book because I think BF and I have so many of the issues covered but I just want to be sure :)
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
We had to do one of these a few weeks ago and it was good fun. We had to do it to get married in the church and although we''re almost together ten years it was a really nice day to just talk about our relationship without any other distractions. I would really recommend them. Can''t help you out with location as I''m in Ireland.
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
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Mar 11, 2009
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I guess I''m wary of doing it with a priest since we''re both Catholic. We''re living together and I''m on the pill. I know how strict the Catholic religion is, which makes me unsure. I''d love to get married in a church but I researched it and found out you can''t have "Hear comes the bride" play, which is pretty important to me.
 

HopeDream

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 14, 2009
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2,146
Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!!

Investing in your relationship skills is always a good idea. Most professional counselors are able to provide pre-marital counseling, here''s a link to some in the Vancouver BC area:

http://www.counsellingbc.com/areas/Pre-Marital+Counselling

I hope you meant Richmond BC, not Richmond England.

3 tips:

1) Knowing how to fight properly is very important.
My so and I were taught the "When you___ I feel___ because___." style of getting emotional hot topics off of our chests.

Ie:
"When you sit on the computer and don''t help with dinner I feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and annoyed because I''ve just had a long hard day at work, I have low energy, I really want some company, and I have trouble deciding what to make for dinner."

This method of "checking in" with a partner is helpful because it lets him/her know the context of your sadness/grumpyness/displeasure etc.

Sometimes I will just give my SO a heads up if I''m out of sorts.

eg. "I''m grumpy now." It is human to feel the whole spectrum of emotions, but our culture has this idea that everyone should be calm and happy all the time -bizarre!

2) Be aware of emotional triggers. Some things set people off for "no good reason" because the person has had a secret emotional history with those things.

eg. Getting disproportionately irate when being told to "relax" because of the inappropriate overuse of this phrase by a partner in a previous relationship. Extreme sadness when you hear a certain song because it was the favorite of a departed loved one etc.

3)Pinch-crunch theory: A loved one does many small things that annoy another person over time (pinch pinch pinch). Each one seems trivial so the annoyed person doesn''t address them. Eventually the annoyed person is bothered one too many times and explodes at the loved one (crunch). The loved one probably has no idea that pinches were happening, and the annoyed person is probably surprised at the extent of the anger - it''s nearly impossible to articulate all the little things that have gone wrong.

I''m sure you''ve already covered kids, money, expected frequency of intimate relations, goals in the next 5 years, what happens if one of you looses a job or gets ill, and what will happen if you folks divorce (get a prenuptial agreement to prevent bitterness if that time comes [as it does for about half of us].Think about talking about a divorce as "divorce insurance" if you have a good talk about it and get all the details straight, it probably won''t happen.)

Wow do I have a lot to say!

Take the time to affirm and appreciate your SO every day. Even if it''s just wiping the counter and they''ve done it 1000 times, a little appreciation goes a long way.(People who feel appreciated don''t usually stray)

so that''s my $4.75

Cheers,

HD

(Met my SO at a communication and conflict resolution course, so I do speak from experience.)

 

anyname

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2008
Messages
309
Date: 3/15/2009 10:55:45 AM
Author: Treasure43
I guess I''m wary of doing it with a priest since we''re both Catholic. We''re living together and I''m on the pill. I know how strict the Catholic religion is, which makes me unsure. I''d love to get married in a church but I researched it and found out you can''t have ''Hear comes the bride'' play, which is pretty important to me.
congrats on your engagement. My husband and i had to go through pre-marital counseling before we got married in a Catholic Church, but it had to be through one of their church approved programs. There''s also a good book called
"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman.

And are you sure that the church won''t let you play "Here comes the Bride"? The Catholic church I was married in allowed that song, and many others to be played. In fact i don''t think they had any restrictions. It could be an edict of that particular church, but i don''t think it holds true for all Catholic Churches.
 
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