Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!!
Investing in your relationship skills is always a good idea. Most professional counselors are able to provide pre-marital counseling, here''s a link to some in the Vancouver BC area:
http://www.counsellingbc.com/areas/Pre-Marital+Counselling
I hope you meant Richmond BC, not Richmond England.
3 tips:
1) Knowing how to fight properly is very important.
My so and I were taught the "When you___ I feel___ because___." style of getting emotional hot topics off of our chests.
Ie:
"When you sit on the computer and don''t help with dinner I feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and annoyed because I''ve just had a long hard day at work, I have low energy, I really want some company, and I have trouble deciding what to make for dinner."
This method of "checking in" with a partner is helpful because it lets him/her know the context of your sadness/grumpyness/displeasure etc.
Sometimes I will just give my SO a heads up if I''m out of sorts.
eg. "I''m grumpy now." It is human to feel the whole spectrum of emotions, but our culture has this idea that everyone should be calm and happy all the time -bizarre!
2) Be aware of emotional triggers. Some things set people off for "no good reason" because the person has had a secret emotional history with those things.
eg. Getting disproportionately irate when being told to "relax" because of the inappropriate overuse of this phrase by a partner in a previous relationship. Extreme sadness when you hear a certain song because it was the favorite of a departed loved one etc.
3)Pinch-crunch theory: A loved one does many small things that annoy another person over time (pinch pinch pinch). Each one seems trivial so the annoyed person doesn''t address them. Eventually the annoyed person is bothered one too many times and explodes at the loved one (crunch). The loved one probably has no idea that pinches were happening, and the annoyed person is probably surprised at the extent of the anger - it''s nearly impossible to articulate all the little things that have gone wrong.
I''m sure you''ve already covered kids, money, expected frequency of intimate relations, goals in the next 5 years, what happens if one of you looses a job or gets ill, and what will happen if you folks divorce (get a prenuptial agreement to prevent bitterness if that time comes [as it does for about half of us].Think about talking about a divorce as "divorce insurance" if you have a good talk about it and get all the details straight, it probably won''t happen.)
Wow do I have a lot to say!
Take the time to affirm and appreciate your SO every day. Even if it''s just wiping the counter and they''ve done it 1000 times, a little appreciation goes a long way.(People who feel appreciated don''t usually stray)
so that''s my $4.75
Cheers,
HD
(Met my SO at a communication and conflict resolution course, so I do speak from experience.)
