Pre Engagement Counseling

[hisspecialk]

Hello Everyone

I researched on this site a little to find out what the general feeling is on Pre-Engagement counseling and thought I''d bring it up again.

My SO is all 100% for Pre marital counseling but had never heard of Pe Engagement counseling. . but wants to know more about it. I would like to know if there is anyone here who has tried pre-engagement counseling. is currently involved in it, feels it made a difference, feels it''s not differnet that pre-marital or whatever . . ..

What are your thoughts?

Have a wonderful day!!

 

[RaiKai]

I suspect is similar to pre-marital counselling in respect of discussing some of the issues that should be discussed before marriage and improving each of your communication and conflict resolution skills.

I am sure you can call some counsellors who do relationship and premarital counselling and they can tell you what they offer and more specifics.

 

[RaiKai]

Oh and I do think it is a good idea especially where couples have communication blocks or difficulties with conflict (even avoiding it!) , have not discussed many issues and where the parties have not done any previous individual or relationship counselling. It all depends on the couple but I certainly do not think it can hurt!

My DH and I did not do premarital or preengagement counselling together, however, we have both done individual and couples counselling in past and ongoing on our own for learning more about ourselves, or gone with other partners and have benefitted in our relationship from that. We are very open with another on everything and have strong communication and conflict resolution skills.

That commitment to personal awareness and openess to counselling is important to us and definitely part of why we felt ready to be together and to be married.

 

[Indylady]

I''ve never thought about pre-engagement counseling. I''m interested in hearing who offers pre-engagement counseling.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I have been with my SO to couples counseling, and heck, we are pre-engaged, so we could label it as such But anyway, we went to see my therapist (I normally go alone) to help us with some communication issues we had been having. It made a HUGE difference in our relationship and I definitely plan to go as often as needed to keep things going well in our relationship. We have gone twice and each time we were on the brink of me deciding to end it because I didn''t want to do the work. I have NO regrets about going to counseling and working to keep my amazing SO in my life.

 

[Dancing Fire]

IMO...if a couple needed Pre-Engagement counseling then they shouldn''t be thinking about marriage.

 

[KittyGolightly]

I haven''t done pre-engagement counseling. I''m not sure how it would differ substantially from pre-marital counseling. Several of my Catholic friends have had to go on retreats before their weddings (it''s a prerequirement for Catholic ceremonies here). Even though they weren''t having difficulties in their relationships, they found the retreats to be helpful.

Although this isn''t really what you asked, I think that John Gottman''s book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is extremely informative.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/12/2010 12:47:36 PM
Author: RaiKai
I suspect is similar to pre-marital counselling in respect of discussing some of the issues that should be discussed before marriage and improving each of your communication and conflict resolution skills.


I am sure you can call some counsellors who do relationship and premarital counselling and they can tell you what they offer and more specifics.

ditto

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/12/2010 7:37:10 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
IMO...if a couple needed Pre-Engagement counseling then they shouldn''t be thinking about marriage.

Premarital counselling is quite different than going to counselling when you are already in conflict. And lots of couples are required to do it through their church before they can be married or volunteer to go as they see benefit in it.

I would argue there would be a lot more healthier relationships and less divorce around if more couples went to counselling before marriage and before there were any major problems. It would either show couples maybe they are not ready to get married and they would not... or help them enhance and develop skills that are already there. Most only go as a last resort or see it as a fix. I see counselling as always being a new opportunity to learn more about yourself and your approach to relationships.

As said my DH did not go together. However our previous experiences with counselling developed our own understanding about self responsibility, self expression and self awareness and helped us build a healthy foundation and understanding of healthy relationships. Many people cannot rely on learning that from their families or community.

And there are couples I have met who have not even talked about their expectations of marriage or any other issues already. And they plan to get married. I agree they are not ready to get married however they are going to do it anyway... I would rather they go to counselling to get talking about it and prepare themselves than just get married never talking about it.

To me there is a big difference between trying to force things that are obviously problematic via counselling...and between being open to perspectives you just might not have thought of before and being open to learning more together about yourself and each other.

 

[smiles]

Hey hisspecialk!
I think (based on my social work background and a little knowledge of the field) that pre-engagement counselling and pre-marital counselling would be very similar. In both you would be opening up lines of communication and conversation(s) about life topics. I think PS''s LIW do not represent the general population in the sense that many of the women here have already had conversations with their SO''s about finances, children, religion, lifestyle, expectations, sex, life goals etc.... I think pre-engagement counselling would provide a forum for this conversation to be facilitated in a comfortable low-pressure environment.
I think it could also provide an opportunity for an easy-going, low pressure conversation about the relationship in general and any final concerns either person has as well as an opportunity to communicate positive things that we maybe forget about everyday. Finally pre-engagement counselling would likely provide the couple with some "homework" or exercises to strengthen any areas that could be improved - and there are always things to work on!!!

 

[entitledpearl22]

My SO and I recently talked about this exact same thing. A couple that is mutual friends of ours went throught the regular "pre-marital" counseling at thier church (although they are not engaged yet) and after the 6 week course they were more so validated in thier feelings that they were on course for marriage/enagement.

If you think return on investment it makes alot of sense to do "pre-marital" counseling before engagement. Men should be advocates of this (please note that I am only kidding).

hisspecialk if you find any good worksheets or online information I''d love the link...

Thanks!

 

[hisspecialk]

This is one of the articles I found online (it is based on Christian beliefs) since I am not sure where most of you stand. . .take from it what you will. ..


Pre-engagement Counseling: Wise or Weird?
This past weekend my fiancé and I attended a retreat for engaged couples who are preparing for marriage. At the beginning of the weekend we were presented with information about our culture’s stance toward marriage, and we heard one statistic that I found particularly compelling:

90% of American young people believe that premarital counseling is a good thing to do, but only about 35% would actually consider doing it.

I was not given a source for this statistic so I honestly have no way of verifying its accuracy, but based upon my own experience I am not surprised. I have talked to a lot of couples, Christian and non-Christian, who respond warmly to the idea of other people doing premarital counseling, but when faced with the option to do it themselves, they opt out. Why? Because it sounds good, but not necessary. Only couples with “big problems” need that stuff.

I think this decision stems from two different causes–gross naiveté on the part of the couple, or flat-out denial. Either they have no idea how hard marriage is, or they have some inkling that their relationship isn’t healthy but they don’t want to deal with it. They’ve already decided to get married, they’ve paid for the food and the band, and there’s no turning back.

That’s why some churches have begun offering pre-engagement counseling. At first I thought this was a weird idea–as a single person, even a dating person, I actively avoided talking and thinking about marriage. No need to count my chickens before they’ve hatched, right? I was attempting to guard my imagination, and more importantly my heart.

The problem with my thought process was that it underestimated the momentum of the wedding planning process. Once you begin planning a wedding it’s like you get on board a giant locomotive and there’s no way to stop it. Had I realized that Ike was not the man for me, I cannot imagine the pain and hardship of canceling the wedding, or even just delaying it. Aside from the financial loss, it would be humiliating and emotionally devastating. In the short-term, it would seem much easier to just go through with it.

Which is why it’s so important for young couples to begin seeking godly counsel BEFORE the train gets going. Married couples already have the odds stacked against them, so given the soaring divorce rates you’d think engaged couples would be sobered into seeking every resource possible. When one in two marriages fail, doesn’t it make sense to ensure that you’re NOT on the wrong side of the statistics? Wouldn’t you rather do the hard work of confronting your issues and asking the tough questions before you get married, instead of hoping for the best?

Unfortunately, this type of reasoning rarely takes place during engagement. While some couples DO break off their engagement, many choose to ignore the warning signs because they are blinded by the prospect of getting married. The end is in sight so they delude themselves into thinking that marriage will fix everything, even though marriage statistics would indicate otherwise.

So if you are in a serious dating relationship and the topic of marriage arises, I would encourage you to seek counsel BEFORE the proposal. Prior to taking on the 300 pound gorilla that is wedding planning, make sure you’re moving forward wisely and soberly. Even in dating it is difficult to have clear vision and an objective perspective, but if you are hesitant to have an outside opinion weighing in even NOW, then that’s a red flag.

Don’t hope for the best, don’t count on the other person to change, and don’t ignore the input of your friends and family. Breaking up with a boyfriend or fiancé is hard, but being in a bad marriage is much, much harder.

 

[hisspecialk]

Hello,

I really believe that the point of pre engagement counseling is around the timing of it. . you are not engaged yet. . .not in the crazy, all encompassing wedding planning process. I am not even engaged yet and ALREADY. . I feel . . I don''t know. . this PUSH. . just knowing that he has said a proposal is immenent. . . .It''s a little scary. I can only imagine how I''ll feel when i truely am engaged. . . . .

My SO and I were on a anniversary trip this past weekend and we had a discussion about the financial help he is currently giving his mom and my question was will that continue after we are married. . .and somehow the question struck him wrong, he was insulted by it or something jsut upset him about the phrasing. . all I know is for the next hour we were silent. . not speaking. . yes just one hour BUT. . .that''s still time wasted. . .I don''t like the silent treatment. .giving it or receiving it. .. .I haven''t brought it back up again. . BUT it is a concern of mine. . .I feel that counseling PRIOR TO US BEING ENGAGED and discussing expectations and responsibilities gives more information to both of us and we can then make informed decisions about what and who we are committing to, which is important.

Its something we haven''t covered before beacuse i thought how he is helping his mom is none of my business but I love and respect how he treats her. .. I believe counseling before he even proposes will give him a chance to see where I am coming from .. he is very very very close to his family, has a twin brother and there are NO boundaries . . . . I think a counselor might help us hash that out. . BEFORE WE ARE IN THE WEDDING PLANNING PROCESS.

my two little cents

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/13/2010 11:55:52 AM
Author: hisspecialk
Hello,


I really believe that the point of pre engagement counseling is around the timing of it. . you are not engaged yet. . .not in the crazy, all encompassing wedding planning process. I am not even engaged yet and ALREADY. . I feel . . I don't know. . this PUSH. . just knowing that he has said a proposal is immenent. . . .It's a little scary. I can only imagine how I'll feel when i truely am engaged. . . . .


My SO and I were on a anniversary trip this past weekend and we had a discussion about the financial help he is currently giving his mom and my question was will that continue after we are married. . .and somehow the question struck him wrong, he was insulted by it or something jsut upset him about the phrasing. . all I know is for the next hour we were silent. . not speaking. . yes just one hour BUT. . .that's still time wasted. . .I don't like the silent treatment. .giving it or receiving it. .. .I haven't brought it back up again. . BUT it is a concern of mine. . .I feel that counseling PRIOR TO US BEING ENGAGED and discussing expectations and responsibilities gives more information to both of us and we can then make informed decisions about what and who we are committing to, which is important.


Its something we haven't covered before beacuse i thought how he is helping his mom is none of my business but I love and respect how he treats her. .. I believe counseling before he even proposes will give him a chance to see where I am coming from .. he is very very very close to his family, has a twin brother and there are NO boundaries . . . . I think a counselor might help us hash that out. . BEFORE WE ARE IN THE WEDDING PLANNING PROCESS.


my two little cents

I agree. If you are currently "dealing" with issues that are difficult to talk about via silent treatment - then it certainly IS a good idea to go to counseling and develop some better communication skills to use when discussing these difficult topics. Until you can discuss these topics in a healthy, respectful, open and honest manner...I do not think you are ready to get engaged. For me, getting engaged IS saying you are ready to get married...and you should not get engaged until you are ready. That is my personal opinion...but I do think many treat engagement as just another "step" without thinking much about what it also means.

Not bringing it up again is NOT a resolution in this case. It obviously is still on your mind and NOT resolved. You are not even sure WHAT upset him about your question (was it the content, the way it was phrased...what?). This IS a topic that needs to be discussed as it will affect your family finances (i.e. you and your SO) as well as other aspects of your future. This is a question that should lead to a great discussion about expectations around money, about relationships and boundaries with extended family, about supporting others, and so forth! Not an hour of silence that is brushed under the carpet after. These sorts of things lead to resentments and other intimacy-killers.

I do think many people have a rather jaded view respecting relationships - such as ideas that high conflict, or silent treatment, or power struggles, or resentments, or manipulations or other tactics so forth.....are totally NORMAL. I absolutely disagree. I have seen couples who have lived in these sort of relationships for decades and price themselves on having stuck together....but have very little intimacy between them as these sorts of things have led to resentments, or they feel they still cannot share things with one another. For me, a healthy marriage also includes a VERY strong and close friendship. I see so many couples who will share things with other people they would not share with their partners as it is "would hurt them" or "they would not like it" or "I do not want to worry them" or "I am scared how they will view me". To me, these are true intimacy blocks and does not allow you to truly know and witness one another. It's like role-playing for me, and it does not fit for me. Believe me, my DH and I both have a lot of warts...but we know each others warts. I feel truly accepted and loved for ALL of me. I accept and love him for all of him. I never, ever felt that in past relationships when I was more concerned with hiding parts of myself, or my fears, concerns, or hopes, or so on to protect myself or my partner and vice versa.


I do think there is a much better and healthier way. I don't think a couple however is doomed if they have not figured this out yet or they should just break it off as "if they need counseling, they aren't ready to get married". No, they are not ready in my opinion, but they do not have to sit in limbo or just call it off either if they are truly committed to each other and to having a healthy relationship. Some couples do need counseling either individually or together to figure this out, break out of their patterns, and either grow stronger together, or part ways, as they do NOT have healthy role models of relationships, etc or "wise elders" to pass on the important communication skills or values they need going forward. For most people....they learned about relationships from their parents....and these were not always great lessons for a healthy relationship!

Interestingly, I recently saw an "Outlaw In-Laws" episode with a couple where the husband had NO boundaries with his twin brother. They spent almost everyday together, and the twin brother was rather disrespectful to the wife (making comments about her that were quite cruel). Heck, the husband was also disrespectful, as he was prioritizing his twin over his wife in some very peculiar situations (i.e. wife would cook dinner....husband would take the dinner and eat it with his brother and tell her it was his twin brother and they grew up together so he was going to pick him over her). It was BAD. These are definitely boundaries and expectations that need to be sorted out NOW.