redcardinal
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2007
- Messages
- 4
Everyone, thank you so much for your responses. I woke up this morning and resolved to start casually looking at the websites of other firms and figure out who is hiring just to keep my options open.
It is very common to firm hop after putting two years into a firm, and it was actually my goal to go into another sector after two years. Rainwood, it is interesting you asked about the tone of my firm. It is a VERY liberal firm, not old boys at all. If I had a valid sexual harassment claim, they would handle it in a way that wouldn't damage me and the other partners would be shocked by this new partner's behavior (he hasn't been with the firm for long, as I said, he had a stint in politics before coming to this firm and he is not that important).
I have had two performance reviews so far and they have been pretty positive (if there were grades, the first one was an A, second one was a B+). People seems to like me and they said in my performance review that I was intelliectual, bright, had a great work ethic, "people want to work with me," a good attitude, etc. the only negative was that I needed "more attention to detail," which I am working on. And actually, I can get work from other partners. I have actually been busier when I ask other partners for work - but it is often extremely unpleasant work and there is no sense whatsoever of continuity to it (just pieces of a case, as opposed to staying with a case). I realize beggars can't be choosers, though. It seems weird, but I just miss my old cases and feeling like I belonged somewhere.
I would absolutely never consider filing a harassment claim. Just like I knew not to sleep with him, I know this is the worst thing I can do for my career, my reputation, my emotional well-being. And again, even if there isn't any evidence. I flirted back. I am not without fault. I am not tryinig to act innocent. He made me feel so special. I had fantasies about being with him. I enjoyed feeling taken care of and a part of his team. I ultimately did the right thing, but I seriously considered dong the wrong thing.
He does not have a reputation as a womanizer, but the signs are there. He and his guy friend, a member of the team, talk all the time about how women at the firm look, act, etc. In fact, on days when the partner is traveling, he used to call up his friend and ask what I was wearing and the friend would tell him. (I know this because the walls are really thin and I could hear). When I made clear that we were never going to sleep together and he took away my work, he started traveling with this other woman all over the country (she is the one I suspect he is having an affair with). They both deny it up and down, and I have actually never gotten any vibes while they are both in the same room that something is going on between them, but all the signs are there. She comes in late, chats with him, takes long lunches, and leaves early. She gets away with murder. She has ten years of experience, as opposed to my one, and I have actually had to correct her work because it is done so poorly. He also tells people that he prefers it when women wear dresses and don't wear black, and this woman wears dresses and not black - she clearly dresses up especially for him. But on the other hand, this woman has known him a long time, and his wife ocassionally accompanies them on their business trips. While this woman and the wife went shopping together, the partner actually called me and tried to flirt about something. And when we first worked together, this woman told me that she has traveled with many men for work, and that this partner is "the only man I never got any vibes from." Given these signs, do you think there is an affair?
I actually sought a counseler out this May and have been seeing her where possible. She doesn't understand, and neither do I, why i can't stop thinking about this. Why do I care if he is sleeping witht his woman or anyone else? It has gotten better than when the fallout occurred in May. But there are still really hard days, like yesterday, when I can't focus or concentrate on anything else. There have been times when i want to hurt myself because the pain is really bad.
I haven't told anyone in my life about this. I am ashamed of my behavior. I'm even more ashamed of letting him live rent-free in my head.
And Steel, I did something similar to your advice a few weeks back. I told him that I really appreciated all the wonderful opportunities he gave me when I started, and that I enjoyed and learned a lot while working with him. I stated that while times had changed and we weren't working together anymore, we had a lot of great times and that I would never trash talk him behind his back. I asked him to do the same for me. At this point, we seem to have a tacit agreement that we will not do this (again, I am not so naive to think that he doesn't talk trash about me to people, but I do not think he is hell bent on ruining my reputation at the firm in any way; I think he won't do anything one way or another to help me or hurt me).
On my major case, I realized recently that I was replaced by another associate in an office closer to where the case will be tried (it is another state). That hurt a lot. I heard the partner talking about it to his friend (thin walls) yesterday and he said that "he feels bad that it's good news." I think they may be saying that this is good news because that associate does better work than me and/or because she is closer to the place where the case is being tried (more likely the former than the latter). This associate also has two more years experience than me, so I can try not to take it personally.
I think that the thing I have to do is focus on doing consistently excellent work for other partners. It is harder to this while he flirts with me, but I can try. He travels a lot so i can enjoy the days when he is not there.
A final thought - he always writes notes to himself on little pieces of paper (he says it his blackberry). I have gotten glances of his notes before and there is sometimes stuff about me on them. It doesn't say my name, but I can tell it is about me because it references our conversations - i.e., one note said "you have said what are you thinking about 4 times" when he had asked me that a bunch of times. More recently, when I told him I thought he was sleeping with that co-worker, i saw a crumpled up note and I read it - it said "one last thing, if you believe that. a lot of people don't like you." later on the note it said "I don't give a ratsass."
The best news is that in a couple of weeks, I am switching offices so I will no longer be between him and his best friend. That way, I will no longer hear their conversations through the walls and get upset. Only two more weeks and I will be down the hall. That way I can try to work through this.
It is very common to firm hop after putting two years into a firm, and it was actually my goal to go into another sector after two years. Rainwood, it is interesting you asked about the tone of my firm. It is a VERY liberal firm, not old boys at all. If I had a valid sexual harassment claim, they would handle it in a way that wouldn't damage me and the other partners would be shocked by this new partner's behavior (he hasn't been with the firm for long, as I said, he had a stint in politics before coming to this firm and he is not that important).
I have had two performance reviews so far and they have been pretty positive (if there were grades, the first one was an A, second one was a B+). People seems to like me and they said in my performance review that I was intelliectual, bright, had a great work ethic, "people want to work with me," a good attitude, etc. the only negative was that I needed "more attention to detail," which I am working on. And actually, I can get work from other partners. I have actually been busier when I ask other partners for work - but it is often extremely unpleasant work and there is no sense whatsoever of continuity to it (just pieces of a case, as opposed to staying with a case). I realize beggars can't be choosers, though. It seems weird, but I just miss my old cases and feeling like I belonged somewhere.
I would absolutely never consider filing a harassment claim. Just like I knew not to sleep with him, I know this is the worst thing I can do for my career, my reputation, my emotional well-being. And again, even if there isn't any evidence. I flirted back. I am not without fault. I am not tryinig to act innocent. He made me feel so special. I had fantasies about being with him. I enjoyed feeling taken care of and a part of his team. I ultimately did the right thing, but I seriously considered dong the wrong thing.
He does not have a reputation as a womanizer, but the signs are there. He and his guy friend, a member of the team, talk all the time about how women at the firm look, act, etc. In fact, on days when the partner is traveling, he used to call up his friend and ask what I was wearing and the friend would tell him. (I know this because the walls are really thin and I could hear). When I made clear that we were never going to sleep together and he took away my work, he started traveling with this other woman all over the country (she is the one I suspect he is having an affair with). They both deny it up and down, and I have actually never gotten any vibes while they are both in the same room that something is going on between them, but all the signs are there. She comes in late, chats with him, takes long lunches, and leaves early. She gets away with murder. She has ten years of experience, as opposed to my one, and I have actually had to correct her work because it is done so poorly. He also tells people that he prefers it when women wear dresses and don't wear black, and this woman wears dresses and not black - she clearly dresses up especially for him. But on the other hand, this woman has known him a long time, and his wife ocassionally accompanies them on their business trips. While this woman and the wife went shopping together, the partner actually called me and tried to flirt about something. And when we first worked together, this woman told me that she has traveled with many men for work, and that this partner is "the only man I never got any vibes from." Given these signs, do you think there is an affair?
I actually sought a counseler out this May and have been seeing her where possible. She doesn't understand, and neither do I, why i can't stop thinking about this. Why do I care if he is sleeping witht his woman or anyone else? It has gotten better than when the fallout occurred in May. But there are still really hard days, like yesterday, when I can't focus or concentrate on anything else. There have been times when i want to hurt myself because the pain is really bad.
I haven't told anyone in my life about this. I am ashamed of my behavior. I'm even more ashamed of letting him live rent-free in my head.
And Steel, I did something similar to your advice a few weeks back. I told him that I really appreciated all the wonderful opportunities he gave me when I started, and that I enjoyed and learned a lot while working with him. I stated that while times had changed and we weren't working together anymore, we had a lot of great times and that I would never trash talk him behind his back. I asked him to do the same for me. At this point, we seem to have a tacit agreement that we will not do this (again, I am not so naive to think that he doesn't talk trash about me to people, but I do not think he is hell bent on ruining my reputation at the firm in any way; I think he won't do anything one way or another to help me or hurt me).
On my major case, I realized recently that I was replaced by another associate in an office closer to where the case will be tried (it is another state). That hurt a lot. I heard the partner talking about it to his friend (thin walls) yesterday and he said that "he feels bad that it's good news." I think they may be saying that this is good news because that associate does better work than me and/or because she is closer to the place where the case is being tried (more likely the former than the latter). This associate also has two more years experience than me, so I can try not to take it personally.
I think that the thing I have to do is focus on doing consistently excellent work for other partners. It is harder to this while he flirts with me, but I can try. He travels a lot so i can enjoy the days when he is not there.
A final thought - he always writes notes to himself on little pieces of paper (he says it his blackberry). I have gotten glances of his notes before and there is sometimes stuff about me on them. It doesn't say my name, but I can tell it is about me because it references our conversations - i.e., one note said "you have said what are you thinking about 4 times" when he had asked me that a bunch of times. More recently, when I told him I thought he was sleeping with that co-worker, i saw a crumpled up note and I read it - it said "one last thing, if you believe that. a lot of people don't like you." later on the note it said "I don't give a ratsass."
The best news is that in a couple of weeks, I am switching offices so I will no longer be between him and his best friend. That way, I will no longer hear their conversations through the walls and get upset. Only two more weeks and I will be down the hall. That way I can try to work through this.
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