Posting Etiquette and Style

[Karl_K]

expect least what you would expect most and you cant be disappointed.

 

[zoebartlett]

To answer your question Gypsy, I generally try to thank people by name, but I don't always. There are times when I think a more general "thank you everyone!" is sufficient.

 

[kenny]

At the other extreme...image a thread with 25 responses, AND 25 thankyous.

That's 50 posts to scroll through, 25 of which are not terribly interesting.
I try give a group-thanks but certainly not in response to EVERY post.

Maybe etiquette is just morphing to facilitate efficiency in today's era or forum communication.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I always say thank you, but almost never specifically to everyone. For example, in my latest post about my cat and cancer, most people are simply offering well wishes to Maggie. I am deeply thankful for everyone's concern, but as it is mostly the same thing from each person, I really don't have anything specific to address nor do I feel I was ungrateful by posting my thanks en masse as I did thank everyone and it does mean a lot to me. No thanks you at all is rude, especially when people have spent a lot of time. Being 25 and spending most of my time on a college campus means that I am very used to a total lack of manners around me.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

At the other extreme...image a thread with 25 responses, AND 25 thankyous.

That's 50 posts to scroll through, 25 of which are not terribly interesting.
I try give a group-thanks but certainly not in response to EVERY post.

Maybe etiquette is just morphing to facilitate efficiency in today's era or forum communication.

You don't need a post for EACH thank you. It is easy to make a list in one post.

 

[Kaleigh]

At the other extreme...image a thread with 25 responses, AND 25 thankyous.

That's 50 posts to scroll through, 25 of which are not terribly interesting.
I try give a group-thanks but certainly not in response to EVERY post.

Maybe etiquette is just morphing to facilitate efficiency in today's era or forum communication.

You don't need a post for EACH thank you. It is easy to make a list in one post.

That's what I do.

I think newbies come ask a question they don't think to come back and say thank you.. Some do, I don't take it personally...

 

[cellentani]

Sometimes, filling half a page or more with individual thank-yous can come across as a trifle self-seeking, as if you're just trying to bump your thread - at least that's what I worry about when I do it. But when I post a general thank you to everyone, it seems lame-ass, lazy, and insincere. So I do a combination of both, and hope the posters I don't respond to individually don't get offended.

And just who are the posters who comment on a thread, and then get chuffed when there's no thank-you forthcoming? No one is under any obligation to post, so I feel like that's a weird sense of entitlement. I mean, we're just having conversations here, not giving Cmas gifts.

 

[AGBF]

expect least what you would expect most and you cant be disappointed.

Maybe if you translate that into Latin for me I will understand it, Karl. That's because Latin is one of the few languages offered by the schools I attended that I never got to study. Thanks.

Deb

 

[TravelingGal]

And you a new mother Mara. Is that what you want to tell your child... don't fight against the status co! Don't try to change things for the better! Just go with it kid.

Gypsy, this is my honest to god answer for what you said, because I deal with it with TGuy from time to time, and I'd say the same to my daughter.

Yes, there is the way the world SHOULD be. But the fact of the matter is the world oftentimes simply isn't. Doesn't mean that you shouldn't try and change it if it's a cause that's important to you, but before anything, I always say, it's your OWN attitude you can deal with first, and the thing you can change the fastest. This doesn't mean we shouldn't fight for injustice or what not, but in the example you posted, I wouldn't waste my energy bitching about it. Life's too short and I have more important things to do. If someone didn't thank me in real life, I'd just move on, and just be happy myself. Dwelling on it and fuming is a waste of time if the person is lame enough not to partake in common courtesy.

Maybe this is a cop out to you, but I go through life pretty happy and more interested in improving myself more than anything. I find in the end, it all seems to work out.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think lowering your expectations is stupid. I think if you keep your expectations high, people will want to meet them, because you will encourage them to do better.

And by the way, it's not about lowering expectations. I think most of us expect people to be polite. My expectation are pretty standard, actually. It's about knowing how to deal with it when expectations are not met. Some battles are worth fighting. Others, better to shrug, grin, and move on. Wasted energy is sad. The only person who loses is you.

Turning off the stove now.....

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I try to thank people who respond to my threads. They don't HAVE to respond, and I appreciate their time. Even if it's just a blanket thank you to all who have responded, it seems like the decent thing to do.

 

[kenny]

I have a confession that is sort of related to this topic.

Recently on RT a guy started a thread on searching for an asscher ring. (for his pinky )
I replied recommending GOG and included pics of our asscher rings.

I checked back for a reply/thank you but, honestly, not so much for the thank you.
I wanted him to go gaga over my iRocks and my pics.
I admit it.; I'm just an attention whore.


But yeah, a thank you would have been nice since I went through the trouble and you'd think my post would have been really helpful for the guy's unusual request.
But I'm not going to loose any sleep over it.
It's the Internet!

 

[Imdanny]

expect least what you would expect most and you cant be disappointed.

That's good advice. Thanks.

 

[decodelighted]

Giving advice isn't a totally selfless endeavor. And which is the bigger offense:

* asking for advice & then not thanking everyone who responds

--OR--

* giving advice with the expectation of something in return (admiration, agreement, acknowledgment, attention etc)?

I don't really expect anyone will take my advice, or even acknowledge it. Its always nice when other people agree with me, or when someone goes out of their way to come back & say that something I wrote affected them in any way. I enjoy the concept of sometimes entertaining people ... sometimes changing a point of view in a way that's helpful. Don't think I'm offended when folks *don't* respond in anyway. Though it would sting a bit if no one ever answered a question *I* post. Hope that doesn't happen! I'll try not to abuse the privilege!

 

[Octavia]

I don't often post advice-seeking threads, but when I have done so, I try to thank people who respond. I've never thought it necessary to thank each person individually unless they posted something that resonated with me and that I particularly wanted to respond to, a general thanks to everyone seemed sufficient to me...so I'm sorry if this was ever rude.

I don't usually care whether people thank me, but I do get a little bummed when I take the time to post a long response and then the OP never even checks back in with the thread, since I have no idea if they even bothered to read what I (and others) took the time to write. I don't dwell on it, but if I noticed someone doing it consistently, I probably wouldn't bother posting on their threads anymore. That's not really my problem, though, it's easier not to respond than it is to type something out!

 

[packrat]

I'm a general thank you-er. Tho if when I post there's been one or two people who've replied by then, I think I generally call them by name. And if someone asks a specific question or whatever, I respond to them by name.

 

[Haven]

Haven, I'm surprised by your post. You're a teacher. I would think you would want people to exceed your expectations, instead of just dropping them so you won't be disappointed.

Gypsy--If the world were black and white, and if my post applied to every single circumstance in my entire life, then I would understand your surprise by my post.

However, and I assume you know this but it appears that I have to state it: there's a big difference between my expectations of strangers for whom I post advice on the Internet, and my expectations of students for whom I create entire courses to help them develop skills that I am particularly trained to teach.

Couple that with the fact that I value my low-stress lifestyle over getting a "thank you" from some anonymous person online, and there you have it. If I were to get annoyed or upset every time an anonymous forum user failed to meet my own expectation of behavior, that would seriously affect my stress level, and a higher stress level makes me unhappy.

Real people, in my real life are a different story. I care deeply about my students' success, and about whether or not they meet or exceed the expectations I set for them (and they set for themselves) in my classes. I have never lowered my expectations for my students because that would be paramount to lowering my expectations of myself as an educator. However, if I became upset every time a student didn't thank me for the help I provide, I'd spend my entire life pouting about this thankless job that I love so dearly. Rather, I choose to care about the things that affect THEIR success, and not the things that affect my own feelings about whether I helped them or not. If I'm teaching an etiquette class, then I'll be upset if my students fail to say thank you. Otherwise, there are so many other bigger, more important things to worry about, and I choose to focus my energy on them.

Perhaps a better way to phrase my initial response would have been:

I vary my expectations of others' behavior based on how important those people are to me, the obligations that I feel I have to them, and how much I value the behavior upon which I am placing an expectation in the first place.

ETA: I want to share that posting on PS has helped me let go of my uptight attitudes about thank yous, in particular. I'm a big thank you note writer, and a devotee of Miss Manners herself, in general, but being a part of this community (and thus, reading about others' perspectives) has helped me loosen my expectations of others' behaviors. And honestly, I'm a happier person for it. For example, I no longer harbor ill feelings for all of the little guys on DH's side who never send us thank you notes for presents. It actually feels liberating to have let that go. (My grandmother is probably turning over in her grave as I write this, but it's true. She needn't worry, *I* still say my thank yous, and that's really all that should matter.)

 

[Haven]

Haven, interesting about CL...honestly, I've used CL a LOT to buy and sell used kids' stuff, and I've never emailed afterwards to thank the people. I thank them in person, but every time I use CL, I'm so wary of the fact that I'm dealing with strangers and I feel so odd about sharing personal details with strangers like email addresses, phone numbers, addresses, that once the transaction is completed I try to delete all record of it and hope they do the same...Freaks me out to think of someone out there hanging on to my email addy or phone number.

I'm a big scaredy cat and have actually never met a CL person IRL. The few items we've sold, DH has met people at Starbucks to exchange the items for cash. But, I've given away many, many big ticket items (I like to purge things) and what I do is I put the items in front of an empty home on our block for pickup, and tell the people the address of where to find them. I also use a special "Craigslist only" email because I'm just so utterly scared of crazies being able to contact me otherwise. That way they don't know where I live, or my real name, or my real email address.

I'm just always surprised that people never send a "thank you" to that email address after looting these very nice things that I've given away. But meh, I'm glad to have them off my hands and I'm happy that I didn't have to hire a truck to lug them to the local Goodwill dropoff, so it's a win for me, too.

 

[Mara]

For record, Kenny I think that's a cop-out. Mara, you too. People can change. I think lowering your expectations is stupid. I think if you do that, then OF COURSE people aren't going to change. And you a new mother Mara. Is that what you want to tell your child... don't fight against the status co! Don't try to change things for the better! Just go with it kid.

I think if you keep your expectations high, people will want to meet them, because you will encourage them to do better.

Sure people can change, but they have to WANT to change. What makes someone want to change? A posting on an internet forum saying shame on people who don't say thanks? Not likely.

re: Lowering expectations, in my post I said it does NOT mean lowering your expectations, but rather finding those who meet your expectations/requirements and spending your time cultivating those relationships. Having high expectations does not mean that everyone tries to meet them. Rather, I am more often disappointed by people's lack of effort. So who's the silly one in that situation? I think ME for having expectations... and ME for choosing to spend effort on people who are not equipped to meet them.

Tacori's signature says it all really though it's extremely hard to not have ANY expectations in life. As for what I plan to teach my boy... hopefully 'the wisdom to know the difference'. But even that comes with life experience.

ETA.. yep people should say thanks.

 

[radiantquest]

I have honestly never thought about it before. I think that I am a thanker, but usually a "Thank you everyone". Recently I had a thread where many thanks were in order and I was informed that I was not allowed to post individual thank yous to some posters.

I think that if it is a simple question and all the replies are the same answer I think that a thank you everyone is fine. If it seems that one poster is truly interested in the questions and goes out of their way for research and to help then an individual thank you is in order.

One thing that I worry about with individual thank yous is that although not every reply was exactly what the poster was looking for everyone who replied took the time to read the original post and then thought about it and replied. So even if they didnt answer the question, they still tried and should be thanked for the effort.

 

[Imdanny]

Haven, I'm surprised by your post. You're a teacher. I would think you would want people to exceed your expectations, instead of just dropping them so you won't be disappointed.

Gypsy--If the world were black and white, and if my post applied to every single circumstance in my entire life, then I would understand your surprise by my post.

However, and I assume you know this but it appears that I have to state it: there's a big difference between my expectations of strangers for whom I post advice on the Internet, and my expectations of students for whom I create entire courses to help them develop skills that I am particularly trained to teach.

Couple that with the fact that I value my low-stress lifestyle over getting a "thank you" from some anonymous person online, and there you have it. If I were to get annoyed or upset every time an anonymous forum user failed to meet my own expectation of behavior, that would seriously affect my stress level, and a higher stress level makes me unhappy.

Real people, in my real life are a different story. I care deeply about my students' success, and about whether or not they meet or exceed the expectations I set for them (and they set for themselves) in my classes. I have never lowered my expectations for my students because that would be paramount to lowering my expectations of myself as an educator. However, if I became upset every time a student didn't thank me for the help I provide, I'd spend my entire life pouting about this thankless job that I love so dearly. Rather, I choose to care about the things that affect THEIR success, and not the things that affect my own feelings about whether I helped them or not. If I'm teaching an etiquette class, then I'll be upset if my students fail to say thank you. Otherwise, there are so many other bigger, more important things to worry about, and I choose to focus my energy on them.

Perhaps a better way to phrase my initial response would have been:

I vary my expectations of others' behavior based on how important those people are to me, the obligations that I feel I have to them, and how much I value the behavior upon which I am placing an expectation in the first place.

ETA: I want to share that posting on PS has helped me let go of my uptight attitudes about thank yous, in particular. I'm a big thank you note writer, and a devotee of Miss Manners herself, in general, but being a part of this community (and thus, reading about others' perspectives) has helped me loosen my expectations of others' behaviors. And honestly, I'm a happier person for it. For example, I no longer harbor ill feelings for all of the little guys on DH's side who never send us thank you notes for presents. It actually feels liberating to have let that go. (My grandmother is probably turning over in her grave as I write this, but it's true. She needn't worry, *I* still say my thank yous, and that's really all that should matter.)

Haven, I had some thank you notes, just plain thank you on the card and nothing inside, with little envelopes, in the car with me today and happened to be at the post office. My mother the most recent time we spoke on the phone reminded me of something she had done for me (that's a fancy way of saying I forgot it during our conversation ). So I sent her a thank you note saying, "Thank you for everything." I wanted to make sure I didn't leave anything out. I think she's going to be very surprised!

I enjoyed reading your post and I agree with you about context and perspective being essential. It's something I have to remind myself of often.

 

[Clairitek]

The area of the forum I tend to post in the most is BWW. I feel like I've been exposed to a ton of wedding related stuff through PS, my own wedding, and helping friends plan. There have been several times I've taken a good long time to compose an answer to a thread asking for help and never even gotten an acknowledgment or gratitude for taking time out of my day to write a lengthy, detailed response. Given, I help because I want to and am happy to be of assistance, but it does strike me as odd if someone doesn't even thank me for it. Often times its a totally new person or someone with very little PS experience. The regular posters that I respond to always seem to acknowledge my help somehow, either in group form or individually. There have definitely been a few brides over there who would consistently post threads asking for help or input and then NEVER come back to thank ANYONE. The most annoying thing is when the same thread topic gets posted several times by the same person and they never seem to take any of the advice given. What do they say insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result? This is a totally different topic, but it cracks me when it happens.

I try to thank people for helping me when I do ask for advice. If I don't acknowledge someone (either individually or in a group post) its definitely an accident.

 

[Gypsy]

So funny. Most of the folks this post has attracted (Tacori being a prime example) make a concerted effort to thank people heaps.

I think you can always thank in a group "Thank you everyone who responded!" or as was pointed out, you can thank people individually, in one post, or do a combination. Both are great.

I think, for me, I just list to see people treated well. I've noticed a lot of effort goes into some of your posts for others, especially in BWW, LIW, RT, and DH. And like Clair said, it's like... nothing, no acknowledgment, or very minimal.

I remember when I was a BWW a LOT of the married ladies would post over there... including Kaleigh, and T-gal and Lynn, and Neatfreak... now, and I think it's because there isn't as much appreciation for the wisdom these people bring, I don't see these posters on those boards. It just makes me sad because as a crazy bride what so many of the long time posters brought to the table-- strength, patience, hope and wisdom were so invaluable. Not to mention the humor. I remember T-gal reminding me of her 'guest book' when I was complaining about something or other, and it just put it in perspective so well for me.

Anyway, I'm not up for causing anymore trouble. I think the post has been great for talking about ideas and thoughts and for raising awareness.

 

[TravelingGal]

I remember when I was a BWW a LOT of the married ladies would post over there... including Kaleigh, and T-gal and Lynn, and Neatfreak... now, and I think it's because there isn't as much appreciation for the wisdom these people bring, I don't see these posters on those boards. It just makes me sad because as a crazy bride what so many of the long time posters brought to the table-- strength, patience, hope and wisdom were so invaluable. Not to mention the humor. I remember T-gal reminding me of her 'guest book' when I was complaining about something or other, and it just put it in perspective so well for me.

Anyway, I'm not up for causing anymore trouble. I think the post has been great for talking about ideas and thoughts and for raising awareness.

C'mon Gypsy, you're more fun when you're trouble!

FWIW, I'm not over on BWW for a couple of reasons:

1) I'm the last person in the world that should be giving wedding planning advice. Keep in mind that my wedding dress came rolled up in a Fed-ex box and I didn't secure any kind of flowers for my wedding until about 2 weeks out.

2) I don't care much about wedding planning in general, as I'm in a different place in my life.

3) I don't know any of the brides, and frankly, don't really care about their weddings. That's not being mean, it's just a fact. It's all fun and games when we were all in the same point in our life and chatting amongst gal pals, but I'm not equipped to give out wedding advice at this point nor am I in a position to just hang out with the BWW's. Marriage advice, certainly I think many of us can give.

4) When I did hang out after I was married, it was because there were some BWW's left whom I "knew " (i.e. you and a few others). Once that crop got married, nothing much for me to hang around for.

The BWWs there have bonded and I'm sure they find wisdom and humor in the current group of gals. A huge percentage of the BWW's of our time have had kids now, and most of us hang out in the old ladies room now (FH&H).

 

[Shoopy]

I would imagine that Neat doesn't hang out on BWW because it's hard to dish out wedding advice when you're chasing after twin boys

I also wanted to add re: thanking each person that commented on a thread-we've lost some posters who felt like they couldn't keep up anymore because there were just too many people to individually address when on a post. I didn't think that anyone would be offended or bothered by high level posting (rather than detailed posting) but it seems that some do which drives other posters who don't have the time away from the boards.

I don't hang out in much areas where there would be new posters since I pushed myself into the old ladies room as well so I don't know what it feels like to give advice and not receive the thank you. However, with the small community of PSers that I interact with daily, I don't really need a thank you from them. What I get from them is so much more than what I give that when I do offer advice or just sympathy, it's coming from a place of gratitude for all the times they've helped me. So I don't need them to say thank you. But again, I only interact with a small handful of PSers daily and then venture over to other boards when I want to snoop around

 

[Haven]

imdanny--That's really sweet. I bet your mom is going to keep that note forever.
Your post gave me the warm fuzzies.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Hmm... I guess I never thought about this place as being needy like that - I know there are real faces behind the comments, but sometimes when I bring something to "the board" it is not for any one person and I don't expect anyone HAS to answer it... I figure the thanks are implied if not specifically given. I don't know that I've ever felt I needed to be thanked for my contributions here, I just give what I can and sometimes I don't even go back to threads. I know I have thanked people in the past, and I know I have probably forgotten as well - I just didn't think it was a big deal either way. I have to fight myself from answering every single post individually as it is - I think I post too much.

Do I get a thank you for responding in this thread too?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It is very difficult not to have any expectations but when I succeed, life is much happier. There is a difference between hoping and expecting. I can hope that my help will be acknowledge but I cannot expect people to react or respond how I think they should. I am trying to overcome my disease of "I know what is right for everyone at every given time in every given situation." Expectations do lead to resentments. It just took me awhile to connect the dots.

I like etiquette. Like already mentioned saying "thank you everyone" is pretty easy and makes people feel good. I have been slighted by people on here and just assume they don't like me (imagine that!!!) and move on.