Post Wedding Feelings & Weight - What's your experience and can you relate?

[teapot2ii]

Hi ladies

I wanted to talk about post wedding feelings and start a discussion. I felt a lot of post wedding depression and regret thinking that I could have planned things more or was uninformed about how to make my wedding better, and how to navigate with my family on this issue who insisted on planning it *for* me. I also felt a lot of sadness that my husband did not book our honeymoon in time and prices had gone up (we got married over the winter holidays). We ultimately decided to go on a "vacation" later on but in my opinion, it cannot be our newly wed honeymoon I always dreamed of since our wedding is over.

I also have put on some weight! I lost 40 pounds before meeting my husband and getting engaged, and another 10 after engagement. I kept my fit body for only a few months before I gained 9 pounds back post wedding. I think it's okay, I've gained my appetite back but will work on reducing the weight still. I felt a lot of anxiety before our wedding which affected my appetite.

Now, for our relationship... I have had so many emotions! I am wondering if my birth control has anything to do with it. I've had post wedding anxiety that I'm not good enough for my husband. I've had a hard time communicating when he says something that bothers me (he can make off the cuff comments at times). I've had a hard time adjusting overall. We have had sweet moments and sour ones. We are discovering each others annoyances and what makes the other tick. We are trying to figure out activities we both enjoy that we can do together and finding a balance of compromise. Marriage is wonderful, but it can definitely be work at times!

 

[qubitasaurus]

What hit me about that was how many changes you've made recently, if youre navigating that many changes then honestly you should cut yourself some slack. Even if it wasn't all perfect, like idealized wedding, honey moon straight afterwards, not everyone is going to be congenial in every conversation, sometimes they're going to be insensative. It's ok. Like most things in life it is work in progress. Work on the essential thing, the communication bit (good thing about a marriage is you get lots of time to work on this). And let the rest go.

Funny story that is completely unrelated to what you're talking about (lol....). My wedding was in my eyes perfect but actually it was a bit of a sh**t show from the abstract perspective. I was married in the middle of one of the worst summatran bush fires, 3-4 solid months of burning and the smoke wafted for a 1000s of km over Singapore, malaysisa and even thailand. Despite 3 months of continuous burning, with conditions so bad you couldn't see 100 m for weeks at a time, it was still burning on the day of my wedding. I had to make the snap decision the wedding will be inside while having my hair and makeup done. I did pictures outside, and I have no idea what the photographer did to those as they dont look smokey.....

I was headed to beijing the week after my wedding. No honeymoon planned, we did that way later. Instead I was hosting a conference. Lol well I dropped my passport off at the chinese embassy 3 days before my wedding, and the chinese embassy shut for golden week (chinese national week long holidays). No one would even answer the phone. My passport was my only legal ID as I am expatriated. So no other form of ID was considered sufficient to get married, I found this out by trying to collect my marriage certificate a meer 48 hours prior to the wedding. My family had all flown in internationally. His family had all flown in internationally. It had taken months to get the solemnizer, and the appointment for the mariage certificate collection. But now the wedding could not proceed. My husband was leaving the country again several days later, most of my family only stayed 2 days including my intended witnesses (its a very expensive place to holiday...on the date of my wedding it was super expensive bush fire pee soup). Haha, we somehow turned it arround. We had the wedding (which was a sham actually) and then actually got actually married 4 days later. Less than 24-48 hours (I forget) before my husband flew out again. I still think it is funny. My wedding was prefunctionary, while I definitely stressed over it, it didn't really matter in the end. I would say it was perfect, as I felt really loved by my family. But I can think of lots of things I wish I had done better, like including my father in law more and maybe not loosing my passport. I look back and wonder why we put so much emphasis on one day of our lives, as the marriage is really not about that day. It's about the life you build together.

 

[HGar]

How long were you and your now husband together before getting engaged then married? It sounds like it may be a short timeframe when you talk about now negotiating how your husband talks etc and your reactions.

I’ve got to say I’m not one for losing large amounts of weight before marriage - my motto is you have to love me as I am, not that I have to fit into an “idealised” bride image. It probably helps that my husband and I were friends from 12 years old, started dating at 18 and then married at 33 - so he knew exactly what he was getting, warts and all.

In our case we still had a lot to work through as we hadn’t actually ever lived together until we were married, he had started a business whilst I was a bank manager plus we fell pregnant pretty much straight away which ended unfortunately at 20wks whilst overseas. Our honeymoon was cancelled after 3 days due to a hurricane so we hastily rebooked a trip and yep, took my in-laws with us LOL.

It sounds like you are putting too much stress on both yourself and your husband. As fantastic as weddings are, they are not the be all and end all of a marriage. That is the important part - becoming a family and having each other’s backs in every situation. My husband and I live and work together every day - do we have fights? Yep. Do I dislike him at times? Yep. But I will always love him because he is my husband and my best friend.

Take a breath. Holidays and weddings are small small parts of your lives together. You got married for a reason - hopefully because you adore each other and can’t stand the thought of not being together. Your weight is for you to manage - and this should be for health reasons, no other.

 

[Ally T]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

I was also going to ask how long you & your husband have been together? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Please be gentle with yourself whilst you adjust to this new dynamic.

 

[teapot2ii]

Wow, I did not expect to recieve so much concern from my post! I thought most things I am experiencing is pretty normal and will get better with time.

My husband and I did not know each other for for very long as is normal within our customs. We had requirements that we both met and many conversations to get a feel of each other and if we could communicate, and then decided to get married. In our customs it is frowned upon to have a lot of interaction before marriage and many of our family members thought we were engaging too much.

I don't think he is the problem as much as my oversensitivity. He definitely is not a ladies man and sometimes has trouble not saying something that might be upsetting, i.e. your stomach looks like a third boob (after my slight weight gain) lol. For him it was a joke, or an observation, not a criticism, but for me with how hard I worked on my body it was insulting and I shut down, becoming passive and hoping he'd notice I was upset without clearly addressing it. This is a bad habit of mine that I am getting rid of. We are newly weds and getting to know each other, so it was hard to open up and talk about it or know how to react.

Thanks for the insight ladies! I love hearing your experiences. Also, I've definitely made peace with my wedding and nonexistent honeymoon now. The first few months of the year I was living in fomo.

 

[seaurchin]

My thoughts: Nearly everyone I know had regrets about their wedding and/or the events surrounding it. It involves so many new things that imo it's typical, if that helps.

About the weight gain, that's not fun but I'm sure you also know that nine pounds is minor and could easily be taken care of with a month or so of calorie counting and simple exercise regimen, if that's what you want to do.

Adjusting to marriage is hard and takes time. It can be exciting to have a whole new life but also uncomfortable for that first year while it all settles in.

One thing though, I found his little "joke" cruel and a little alarming. I would not put it on yourself being overly sensitive because a spouse being disrespectful to you is a very real problem. Sometimes it can also be a red flag for an abuser. If he says anything else hurtful to you, don't be afraid to tell him "You don't talk to me that way." Make a little noise, slam a door, don't speak to him for a while, point out something less than perfect about his anatomy, sleep on the couch that night, whatever you need to do to make his hurtful rudeness uncomfortable enough for him that he thinks twice the next time he feels like demeaning you.

If the issues with him go beyond that, I suggest a few sessions of post-marital counseling or going by yourself (or maybe even if they don't). Or even just get a book on assertiveness. Sometimes women are too much raised to be submissive and agreeable and it comes back to bite them terribly. He was dead wrong to speak to you that way and he owes you a huge apology. He needs to be respectful to his wife. And if it goes beyond that or you just know in your heart he is the wrong one for you, it could be you need to get out before you get in deeper. Sorry if this sounds dire, it's hard to know from a couple of posts if something is a big problem or a little problem. Also sorry to hear that the customs had you marrying someone you barely got to know first. Best wishes.

 

[yssie]

Can I ask something a bit blunt? Are you Indian @teapot2ii?

In some cultures romance before marriage is frowned upon. Which leads to long-term unions between two people who’ve never navigated those sorts of relationships, and who have only perfunctory familiarity with each other. Recipe for a post-nuptial stressfest. Then on top of that - in most cultures where this is traditional, men aren’t generally raised to be emotionally communicative. I know that’s a broad brush, but *in general* it’s a cultural truth. Double whammy. And if you’re living in a country where arranged marriages aren’t the norm, well, that’s just added complexity that those around you won’t understand.

I’m sorry it’s difficult. I’ve not been in your shoes. His comment about a third boob wasn’t funny, it was him *being* a boob, and if I’m guessing right he’s probably never had a woman tell him that he’s being a boob and, like, actually mean it, so - you get the privilege of being first. My parents had an arranged marriage; my mum has trained my dad out of most of the boobage (there was plenty at first, sounds like). Some still slips out occasionally and he gets whacked with a ladle.

 

[teapot2ii]

My thoughts: Nearly everyone I know had regrets about their wedding and/or the events surrounding it. It involves so many new things that imo it's typical, if that helps.

About the weight gain, that's not fun but I'm sure you also know that nine pounds is minor and could easily be taken care of with a month or so of calorie counting and simple exercise regimen, if that's what you want to do.

Adjusting to marriage is hard and takes time. It can be exciting to have a whole new life but also uncomfortable for that first year while it all settles in.

One thing though, I found his little "joke" cruel and a little alarming. I would not put it on yourself being overly sensitive because a spouse being disrespectful to you is a very real problem. Sometimes it can also be a red flag for an abuser. If he says anything else hurtful to you, don't be afraid to tell him "You don't talk to me that way." Make a little noise, slam a door, don't speak to him for a while, point out something less than perfect about his anatomy, sleep on the couch that night, whatever you need to do to make his hurtful rudeness uncomfortable enough for him that he thinks twice the next time he feels like demeaning you.

If the issues with him go beyond that, I suggest a few sessions of post-marital counseling or going by yourself (or maybe even if they don't). Or even just get a book on assertiveness. Sometimes women are too much raised to be submissive and agreeable and it comes back to bite them terribly. He was dead wrong to speak to you that way and he owes you a huge apology. He needs to be respectful to his wife. And if it goes beyond that or you just know in your heart he is the wrong one for you, it could be you need to get out before you get in deeper. Sorry if this sounds dire, it's hard to know from a couple of posts if something is a big problem or a little problem. Also sorry to hear that the customs had you marrying someone you barely got to know first. Best wishes.

It may sound strange, but my husband and I actually preferred to get married that way looking back, do I wish we had talked more? Not really. After our first phone call we knew we wanted to be together.

I think I need to have stronger boundaries though. Your post does call attention to that at least. He has definitely made mistakes and I shut up whenever he does because I don't want to be hot headed.

 

[teapot2ii]

Can I ask something a bit blunt? Are you Indian @teapot2ii?

In some cultures romance before marriage is frowned upon. Which leads to long-term unions between two people who’ve never navigated those sorts of relationships, and who have only perfunctory familiarity with each other. Recipe for a post-nuptial stressfest. Then on top of that - in most cultures where this is traditional, men aren’t generally raised to be emotionally communicative. I know that’s a broad brush, but *in general* it’s a cultural truth. Double whammy. And if you’re living in a country where arranged marriages aren’t the norm, well, that’s just added complexity that those around you won’t understand.

I’m sorry it’s difficult. I’ve not been in your shoes. His comment about a third boob wasn’t funny, it was him *being* a boob, and if I’m guessing right he’s probably never had a woman tell him that he’s being a boob and, like, actually mean it, so - you get the privilege of being first. My parents had an arranged marriage; my mum has trained my dad out of most of the boobage (there was plenty at first, sounds like). Some still slips out occasionally and he gets whacked with a ladle.

You are correct! I am not Indian myself, but my SO is So yeah, I attribute his comments to his background and never having experience with women lol. We met on a dating website.

 

[teapot2ii]

How do you all manage general anxiety with marriage? I'm sorry to make this thread a self help forum lol.. I just was curious.

My ex husband was very abusive, although he'd never make slip of the tongue or slightly rude comments like my husband now does. My first husband would outright insult me and threaten to divorce me over any infractions, among other abusive behaviors that I have mostly forgotten now thankfully. He would never move past problems and say he couldn't handle me or any issues I might have. Maybe that's why I suppress conflict - I was met with threats of divorce if we fought. He would speak to me disrespectfully and I would back at him as well. He cheated on me and left me for someone else. Thank God, it was the best thing that ever happened to me so that I was out of the relationship.

My husband now is okay with conflict, he is respectful when we have a disagreement, and he is patient with me when I'm worried or sad. He is very easy going and doesn't take things too seriously. Most importantly, he is committed to working on our marriage and he wants to be with me.

 

[seaurchin]

Oh okay then, I guess I read your earlier post much more seriously than it was intended to be.

I think the better you know someone, all other things being equal, the more comfortable you are with them and the less anxiety you will have with them.

So maybe it's more about coping techniques for the time being. Anxiety is an awful feeling. I like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy self-help books. My anxiety etc. is not at what I would consider a level to need a therapist for, so self-help works for me. I have collected three CBT books now but they're all pretty much alike. They walk you through considering exactly what you are anxious about at the time, why you are anxious about it, and then provide what has been for me a more accurate way of thinking about it or resolving it.

For ex., anxiety can be from filling in the worst with imagination when you really only have incomplete information, worries about future events that may or may not happen, connecting something to a past issue that it doesn't really have anything to do with, etc. But we do these things without fully realizing it so becoming more aware of it helps. (Or if there is a solid reason, then you can get at whatever that is and try to fix it). I have to keep going through the chapters a little at a time though because it takes time for a new way of thinking to become second nature.

Since I started studying the CBT books, I also notice that I am more aware of my thoughts than I used to be. Before, I would often just feel kind of bad but not even know why. To me, it's also interesting besides being helpful.

 

[nkarma]

I went to a wedding this weekend where the Vicar said in her blessing / speech something along the lines of 'you came here looking your best today and it would be good for you to realise this is the best each of you will ever look.' It was in the context of how your marriage will change throughout the years and trying your best to have patience, kindness, and forgiveness throughout.
12 years into marriage I agree! It was my lowest weight of my adult life and my body/face has aged quite a bit of course.

It is good you have married someone patient and kind. Unfortunately the jokes he says will likely continue throughout your lifetime - you'll navigate how to deal with them - arguments, humour, or holding one's tongue all will come into it!